Sunday, December 02, 2012
Starting over. Not so much with health and fitness, which is a given, but with the rest of my life.
I keep trying to draft this, and I keep finding myself getting angry. Basically, my roommate Samir will be leaving my house, after about a year and a half since his accident.
Basically, he used me. It sounds harsh, but I gave way too much to him to be healthy, between my time, my money, my care, my peace of mind. And he was never satisfied, always demanding more. I put myself and my needs aside for too long, and got hurt. Damaged my relationships, my work, my health, my sanity honestly, when he was my number one priority.
And eventually, after almost two years, I said no, no more. While I'm still willing to help, I need to take care of myself too. He became abusive, cursing at me daily, attacking every weakness I ever gave him as a friend, manipulating me into helping him even though I knew that his requests were unreasonable. And I'd say 75% of the time he'd brought specific problems onto himself, through disrespecting his caregivers, or not using their time wisely, or engaging in activities that were directly harmful to him including, uncountable times, firing trained caregivers without having any sort of backup. The abuse is not a new pattern. He did the same to his live-in caregiver. And he taught himself that it was okay to treat people like that. Trained his neural pathways that attacking was the way to get things done, told me as much directly when we argued over it, and that it was most effective against people who cared for you.
I recognize that he's going through what will be the hardest challenge of his life, adapting to this new life. And I recognize that becoming paralyzed will completely mess with your mind, and that he's damaged FAR beyond the physical. But I also recognize that at this time he is not willing to change and despite my begging him to see a counselor, he will not. He keeps making self-destructive choices, including his choice to destroy me emotionally and psychologically, the only one who's been there from the start. He shows no repentance, no remorse, and no responsibility for himself. And he will continue to not do so until he has to. And he knows that he won't have to for as long as I'm there, because he's hugely successful in manipulating me to help him.
But what he didn't realize, despite my telling him over and over again, is that no one has the right to talk to people the way he did, and to demand love despite the abuse. He did the same thing to his last girlfriend who agreed to be his caregiver, and was eventually driven away by his degradation of her. I can't even type the things that he would say to us daily, because this blog would get removed.
But I told him, I would not go through this again. I would be available for his errands, his care, if he needed cash, or help to the doctor or filling out forms or writing grants for his medical needs, or training new caregivers if an old one quit unexpectedly or even care taking him myself if someone quit and he had no other options, for a dozen other things that I gave as a matter of course. I was willing to contribute quite a bit.
But I would not see him make a bad choice, one that could have been avoided, hurt someone else, hurt himself in the meantime, hurt me when he demand I fix it, and then get abused when I refuse to enable him to do it. I gave him warning that he would have to learn to control himself. He didn't have to agree with my opinion on his life choices, but he was responsible for his own choices, and I would not be available to fix it for him if it was a self-destructive one. And three times in three weeks he made a choice that was harmful to himself and those around him. And three times I refused to step in and fix it again, since this is a pattern that he's been repeating for almost two years. And three times he cursed me roundly and continuously for following through with my boundary.
I'm done. He has to learn to make his own way. He has to learn respect, for others AND himself. He has to learn his own power and weaknesses and how to navigate them both. And he won't do it while I'm there, and, after months of abuse, I won't stick around.
So, my life is starting new. I have unfortunately felt the need to cut myself completely off. He's so angry at me for "betraying" him I can't walk into the room without his disgust and foulness rolling out at me. So I moved out until his dad can move him out of my house. I'm not sure I'll ever see him again. I had long grieved that possibility, as I've been asking his dad to take a hand and get him out of my home for months,. But the constant negativity over the last few months, his refusal to take responsibility for his words and actions, and the outright lies he's been telling all and sundry about what a horrible person I am and how I was never there for him, have helped me to just be done. I'm still thinking too much about it. I'm still too angry. But this is for the best. Maybe someday we can be friends again, I don't know. But for now, it's best if I just be done, for both of us.
I'm hoping to enter a new part of my life. One where I'm not perpetually exhausted. One where I'm not perpetually depressed or angry or despairing. One where I can see to my needs, be rejuvenated, and have the time, energy and emotionally strength to be a support for all the OTHER relationships in my life.
The worst part of it is my heart is so wrung out that I don't even care anymore. I'm just tired. I hope the best for him, but, it's out of my hands now, and I can't feel responsible anymore. Honestly, as just a friend, I was never responsible. I took too much on, more than was healthy in any respect. Now, I'm just...tired. Once I'm less tired I'll continue to pray for both him and myself and our healing. And honest to God I pray and pray hard for his healing. But for now, I'm going to go watch tv and just vedge, cuddle with my love until I feel better.
Friday, October 19, 2012
I exercised this morning, and it left me feeling pretty good with the endorphin rush. I had a hard, hard, hard time doing it though. I set my alarm for 6:30, but I don't think I got up until almost 7:15. But, eventually I did. Got up, did my morning stuff, ate breakfast (Greek yogurt and huckleberries.) I have been house sitting for my aunt, so had planned to go home and exercise when I took care of my cat.
But, I locked my keys in the car. In the time it took for mom to come save me with her spare key, I got on the treadmill at my aunt's. And here's where I'm dismayed. I definitely chose to not push myself, completely talked myself out of it. This treadmill, like many, has a function where it can give you a set plan for your run, increasing speed or incline at various intervals. I got to running at 5.5 mph. I could see on the screen in front of me that it planned to make me run a minute at 6.0 and a minute at 6.5, before dropping back down at 0.5 mph increments. And, I all of a sudden decided I couldn't. Without any real thought, I told myself that 5.5 was my max, that there's no way I could run 6.5 mph for a full minute, and 6.0 was pushing it. This was partially motivated by the fact that I was short on time, but the feeling of "can't do it" was definitely there and even if I'd had the time I don't think I'd have done it. But, I may well have been able to do it. I was feeling decently enough at 5.5 mph, had held that for two minutes.
I dunno. I'll have to allow more time for it next time and see if I can't overcome this feeling. I also did some strength training on my arms, but am unimpressed. I can never seem to push myself hard enough in ST, which is partially why I don't like it. My triceps, which are sissy, felt it, but nothing else, at 10 lbs. I did high reps, but I really don't think I like high reps. I don't think I see the point. I don't believe anymore that I'll bulk up unattractively. And I want to be strong. I want to be able to lift heavy things. So why not do heavier weights for fewer reps and build some good looking muscle?
Anyway. I still feel good because of the endorphins, and it's been easy to focus and commit to work. But I really need to push harder.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
One of my challenges this week from BLC was to relax. I was thinking, easier said than done. But then I started remembering, I actually did pretty good on that front.
First off I went berry picking with my mama, snipping huckleberry twigs off on a sunny day. Then my honey came so we packed up and I spent the rest of Sunday with him. We watched a movie, and I picked huckleberries off the twig. We made homemade macaroni and cheese (yes, I know, bad food and probably part of why I gained almost two pounds), but it was fun and tasty. Watched the last Pirates of the Caribbean. He had to go home Tuesday, which is sad, but I've actually been pretty chill ever since.
I'm housesitting for my auntie this week, which means I'm away from the stress of home at night and all the chores I need to do there. No screaming cat, as mine has a tendency to yowl at three in the morning. I love my auntie's bed which they made up for me. Sat last night picking more huckleberries and watching How I Met Your Mother for hours.
And, wonder of wonders, I'm more able to cope this week. There's been a lot loaded on my shoulders this week, but I've handled with pretty decent equanmity. Still didn't have enough time, and I definitely let that be an excuse to eat poorly (yes, I know, bad excuse), but my mental state is pretty good right now. More than one day I've thought to myself, "I've totally got this handled, no big." And during stressful situations at home, I was able to handle that as well.
It's been good. I feel healthy after this week.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Little bit late for the Red Team Challenge...but I'm gonna count it anyway. Tasked with blogging about strength training and how I have noticed it benefitting me.
Honestly, I have NEVER strength trained consistantly enough to see benefit. I've never really exercised consistantly enough in anyw ay that it benefitted me, except during sports in school. Mostly if I lose weight it's by diet.
But, everybody knows, muscle burns fat. And it gives you a better shape. So even if you maintain your weight, you're getting the physique you want. And heaven knows I want a better physique.
The Interteam BL challenge was to do three different strength training exercises, but this week all I did was squats. Trying to fit them randomly into the day. While i'm brushing my teeth, while I'm standing there talking to Aaron. More one legged squats there, since a squat squat is just so ungainly. Whenever.
I need to stop wasting time with social networking. Facebook is killing me. Need to figure out how to make my cat stop screaming at night so I can get a good night's sleep and get up in the morning. Went to bed by eleven but she had to have woken me up at least three times and resulted in me getting up exhausted at 530 to see to chores, then going back to bed.
I LOVE my P90X. I love it. It completely wipes me out. When I do the ab exercises, as I've said, I end up whimpering and laughing on the floor because I don't have the muscles strength left to get myself off the floor, which strikes me as hilarious. But, it takes an hour to an hour and a half. So, need to do something less time consuming. But I do love it.
Thursday, September 06, 2012
Maybe I should have done this first, and then responded with my five goals, which I feel would be more proactive. Anyway. The BL INTERTEAM Challenge is to blog about 5 things that might be holding me back, and one thing to work on this fall.
1.) Lack of nutrients, including water.
I'm anemic in two ways, low on Vitamin D, low on one B vitamin or another, and NEVER drink enough water. I don't think water is really generally considered a nutrient, but your body uses it, wholesale, for so many different applications, so...nutrient. I stopped taking my iron because it made me sick to my stomach. I'm not suffering too much from it yet, so I assume I made myself some more blood in the few months that I was actually taking the stuff I should've been. And maybe summer increased my vitamin D levels. But, regardless, I definitely suffer from fatigue from the lack of vitamins, and suffer in all ways that dehydration hits you, from chapped lips to headaches, to even being too dizzy to stand every once in a while. And everybody knows you need to be hydrated to lose weight.
Solution: Multivitamins, 10 glasses of water a day.
2.) Lack of discipline in how I use my time.
For so long I was so worn down from caregiving my roommate and working a full time job and trying to toss in time for my other relationships, like family and boyfriend and friends. Since he got a live-in caregiver, I've had SOME more time (if not loads) and I spend a lot of it vegetating, feeling like I'm owed it, need it to rest up. I'm getting better about it, because the lack of order in my life is stressing me out so I go and organize everyday when I get home. But I need to keep moving perpetually. I've said this before, and like I've said, I've gotten better, but I need to keep pushing. I particularly fail in getting up in the morning. I hate waking up.
Solution: CLOCKY! I'm super excited about him. A little red clock that, after you snooze, jumps off the bedstand and rolls off beeping discordantly. You have to get up to chase him down and turn him off. Hehe, worth a shot. I think I've got discipline in activity pretty pat. Keep it up and I'll get ahead of myself, and then it'll just be maintaining. Which is theoretically easier...
3.) Emotional instability
I let my roommate get to me too much. He's very angry due to his paralysis. It's been a little over a year and a half now. And yes, I get why he's angry. Totally understandable and legit. But he's not seeking professional help, which he desperately needs, and so just stews and vents, and gets vicious. And when he's too sharp, angry, downright cruel to his caregivers, disatisfied with their work because he wants so desperately to be doing this for himself, I can't take it. It's not fair to them. The whole situation is not fair to him. And I get pulled in two directions, wanting to have sympathy for him because he's hurting emotionally and physically, while similarly wanting to protect his caregivers from his harsh words. I usually end up completely emotionally wasted, and not wanting to do anything.
Solution: I have, I swear, realized that I can't fix him. He's responsible for himself. The options are out there for him to help himself, and he is not taking them. And I have neither the skill nor the objectivity to heal him. It's a matter of convincing him and me that I don't have to suffer his perpetual negativity, sticking to it, and not letting him impact me. He will be moving out at some point. He's got apps in for HUD for an ADA compliant house. Life will be more difficult for him on his own, but, I can't sacrifice my life and happiness for him if he's not willing to do his part to help heal himself. I just can't. It's not right for him or for me. Beyond that it impacts my family and my love who have to deal with the emotional breakdowns that come as a part of this. Not fair for anybody.
4.) Need more sleep
Obvious. Not getting enough. Too tired to do anything. Made too stupid to come up with solutions. Need sleep.
Solution: See above, solutions two and three. More discipline, and less emotional impact, which often keeps me from sleeping or decreases the efficiency with which I help him so I end up staying later.
5.) My disbelief in the efficacy of exercise
I'm not sure what to do about this one. I just don't believe in it. To me, losing weight is primarily about diet. And I think that's true. But, obviously if I burn more calories I'll be able to lose more quickly, plus build up all that nice calorie burning muscle. But, on a fundamental level, I just don't see it working for me, because I've always been so layered in fat that I can't even imagine having muscle tone.
Solution: Just do it. Can't think of anything better.
The second part of the challenge is, what to work on this Fall. And, to answer that, I can go back to my previous blog, what are my goals. Really though, discipline covers it all. And thinking all the time about the choices I make. Whether it's to drink water or a soda, go to bed on time regardless of the other time pressures, be kind, be firm, be efficient or lazy. I have to be aware of all the choices I'm making, or refusing to make, and think about if I'm going to be happy with the result. So, as is SOMETHING of a family motto by this point, gotta be thinking all the time.
Get An Email Alert Each Time TWAYGOH Posts