Thursday, September 06, 2012
I am starting a Biggest Loser challenge, on the red team. Which is neat. It's been a long time since I was on a BL challenge, so hopefully this will do me good. My group last time was great, but I couldn't remember what team I used to be on when I went to sign up for it, though I remembed later. Anyway. Red's gonna be awesome I'm sure. But, back to the first week's Red Team Challenge. I'm go journal or blog about my five goals.
Here goes. Not terribly exciting, as they are pretty straight forward, reasonable, attainable goals.
1.) Track food and water intake everyday. It's easy to get out of control.
I've started on this in this already in the pre-week. Not religiously, which is part of the goal, but getting back into the habit. The problem is when I'm out of town, as is generally difficult for people, because I'm not really always in charge of what I eat. But, even as I write that, I think to myself that I'm being passive. Yes, I have to work Saturday, and it has to be away from home. But, that's not to say that I can't bring my own lunch and snacks of which I know the contents. I'll need to think about that.
2.) Cardio at least two times a week, 60 minutes total.
This doesn't seem too strenuous, but really will require dedication. It unfortunately may come at the expense of sleep. And I know sleep is just as important as anything else in fitness (see goal below), but...honestly, there's really only so much time in the day.
3.) Strength train three times a week, focusing on upper, core, and lower body.
Maybe I can build the habit, or the liking of it, slowly. Hard to make myself fit this in.
4.) Go to bed by midnight every night, aiming for 7 hours of sleep. 8 would be nice, but not a reasonable goal for me right now.
I don't even know how reasonable this is. The last three nights I've gotten 6 or less. Part of this is locking my cat up at night, even if it bothers me. She can sleep just fine on a pillow in the laundry room, and I just need to sleep. I need to. Part of it is retaining emotional equilibrium when stressful things come my way or upset me, as is the fairly frequent case. I didn't used to be this continuously emotional. Just flare ups. Now, all the time, for good or for ill. Relaxation time before sleep can maybe help, if I can find time for that.
5.) Check in at least 5 days a week, see how people are doing, post on myself if something relevant is going on. Will keep me focused on my goals and on top of goal 1, since hey, I'm already here :p
I should be able to do this on my lunch break at work pretty easily.
Wednesday, September 05, 2012
I can't seem to do it. Think of myself as thin. I can picture a body, but no face. It has my hair, my skin tone, body wears my clothes, but I can't put them together. And when I do think of the body, it is too slender for my bone structure, so it's not mine.
In thinking about it, I think part of the problem is I'm trying to think of myself as awesome. Which is not to say that I can't lose weight, but...awesome? Awesome requires serious dedication. And honestly, I think I have the potential to be, if not awesome, pretty damn good. Decent hip to waist ratio, which stays with you. Full breasts that don't sag (too much for 27 :-P). No cellulite on my thighs of which to speak. My skin stays firm as I lose weight, and stays soft. Not perfect, not model like, but decent enough that I can be pleased with myself if I lose the weight.
But, like I said, awesome requires dedication. Real, hard workouts, regularly. I haven't even run since last Saturday and it was a terrible huffing sort of thing. Maybe that just means that's what I can do now, and it's working for me now. But when I move so slow, even if it is obviously impacting my body by working it, I just can't believe in the power of it. And so internally I'm like, why waste the time on something that doesn't work? You're probably not even jogging as fast as you walk Tiana.
It's no fun, it takes time, it hurts. Yes, I get that nice endorphin rush afterwards, but during, it's just torture. So, anyway. I can lose the weight. Losing weight is 90% diet they say. And that just takes having good food on hand, and some planning. Torturing oneself into true fitness, well, that takes a bit more, including more time, which I'm always short on.
In thinking this blog through, I CAN imagine myself lighter. Decent enough. Just not awesome. But at least I can imainge myself decent. I was fearing there was some deep psychological block going on telling me I couldn't succeed. Okay. Glad I worked this image out.
But I really really really really want awesome legs and butt. Which are my worst problem area, least attractive. Maybe I should focus on wanting really nice abs, which I think i can do. Oye.
Tuesday, September 04, 2012
My cat has gotten into the habit of screaming all night. I hate to lock her up, cuz SOMETHING is making her unhappy, but I can't figure what it is. Clean box, fresh food, fresh water, and as much cuddling as she wants so long as she's QUIET next to me. Still, every night she starts yelling around 2 am, and keeps going until 5ish. Went to bed at 12:30 last night, woke up at 7, so already short sleep, and she woke me up at least 4 times.
I really don't want to be a slacker and not exercise tonight, but I'm so tired. And I don't get home from work until 9 tonight, and then I have about 45 minutes of work with Samir. I just want to be in bed by 10. Not going to happen. Even if I don't exercise, it's not going to happen. Not to mention that I'm trying to get my house back under control. It's such a mess, and it brings me down. But I'm trying to pick at it everyday.
So tired...don't even want to finish out my work day. But, things to do. Guess I'll get back to it.
P.s. Wow that was whiny. Everything always seems so impossible when I'm tired. Should take a 5-hour energy shot.
Tuesday, September 04, 2012
Under 1300 Cal for day 5. I'm always a little bit hungry, so am perpetually fearful that I'll make a stupid mistake. Like eating three cookies today. But, even with that, still about 1300.
Need to eat more of the good stuff, because I'm feeling deprived. Ate badly today because I went to Aaron's parent's house and they eat in a very carb-laden fashion. Cereal for breakfast, sandwich for lunch, potato and dessert for dinner. Trying to stay under 100 carbs, which is pretty easy and natural for me to do when I'm eating healthy, because the healthy foods that I naturally choose are more protein and plant based. IWhen I'm at home, I average about 80-90. Today at their house it was 179, and it was 165 yesterday. Which, I always enjoy the company and am grateful they cook for me, but I feel like I'm not eating enough because though the calorie range is a bit low, but reasonable, the food is not filling in the allowable calorie/carb amount. I'd have to eat probably a third again to actually feel full.
It's late. And I have to get up in less than 7 hours. Less than six if I want to exercise in the morning. Don't know if it's reasonable or not to try to exercise. Most likely I'll just snooze if I try. Really not a morning person.
Sunday, September 02, 2012
I can't quite decide how to reorganize my time. Samir's live-in caregiver will be leaving at the end of the month. The work is too difficult for long term commitment, which is understandable though unfortunate. Without a live-in, that means I expect, even if I telll myself I won't give up me time, that I'll actually in fact be giving up me time to help out more.
So...back to needing discipline. But I can't decide how best to organize my time. It makes sense to me to exercise in morning, go to work, come home and deal with what I have to deal with then maybe offer my time to Samir from 9 pm to midnight. He's not always awake in earlier part of the evening, so that's when I'm most likely to be able to contribute to him while awake. BUT! The late evenings are the only time I can talk to Aaron on the phone, which we've gotten into the habit of doing most nights, since he doesn't get off work until nine or ten at night.
I tend to naturally gravitate towards helping Samir in the evening because A) If I help in the mornings things always take longer than expected and I end up late for work and B) I usually end up doing stuff for him at night anyway because he comes up with things he needs (shopping, turning him, help with projects etc) over the course of the day and asks for my help at night. The problem is his schedule is so reversed from mine. He's always been nocturnal, and his lack of activities outside the house says to him he can be on whatever schedule he wants. So he goes to sleep around 9 am and then naps and wakes up and naps and wakes up whenever he wants. With no strict schedule on his part, I can't fit myself into his schedule regularly.
I dunno. But, today was an interesting sort of day mentally. I had to work today because things ended up taking all day with Samir on Wednesday and I had to make up time. But, I started the day by helping him, then going for a run, then doing stretches, hot shower, breakfast, then laundry and other little things I had to do, and THEN work.
Of all that, it took about an hour and 45 to exercise, stretch, shower, and eat breakfast. If I got up by 6, I could get all that done and get to work by 8:30 (takes half an hour to commute to work.) I always have such a hard time getting up and exercising in the morning because I'm lazy, tired, and it feels like I'm being pressured because I've go to get this thing done before I go into work and I hate feeling pressured.
But I'm probably thinking about it wrong. I feel good after I exercise, and take that hot shower, and eat breakfast. Starts my day off right. Maybe I need to not be thinking of it as something I've got to rush to get done, an obligation, but rather as me time. I tend to think of the day as starting out with trying to get to work, then fitting all my me time into the evening. But maybe that's foolish. Perhaps work shouldn't be the first priority of the day. Maybe it's okay to split my me time into two blocks, one before and one after work.
In all likelihood, I will continue to oversleep. I like sleep, and I don't get enough of it. But, today represents a mental paradigm shift in what I think of as the natural order of the day.
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