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Tuesday, July 15, 2008

It seems I'm always stressed now. It hasn't been this bad since I was at Harvard. My headaches are coming back, I'm eating poorly and I don't seem to smile much anymore. I never used to wake up in the night, but now I do several times a night and I wake up thinking about all the things I have to do or should have and didn't. I don't like it. I'm not even going to get to dance this year, dancing being a very calming experience, because my work and my body both are going to disallow it. It's possible that stress is the reason my body is disallowing it. Oh well. Maybe it's time to pass the torch to the younglings. Even if I don't dance anymore, it's soothing to watch which I can do next year.

I think of how some other countries look at Americans and think we're crazy for working too much, and I'm starting to think they're right. But at the same time, I'm only doing what needs to be done. Sometimes the question is asked, "what would happen if you didn't work today...would the world end? would everything come crashing down?" The conclusion you're supposed to come to is that no, things will continue, life goes on. But in this case, and I think in a lot of cases in my past and in other peoples' lives, yeah, if you take a break things are going to fail and opportunities will be missed. Sure we've got the ability to make a choice that's better for us as an individual; there's always a choice of some sort. But in the end, it's not only about me and how overworked I feel. There are people counting on me.

But, now that I've ranted, it all comes down to this. I've done what I can. I can't do anymore. At this point I'm waiting on other people and there's nothing to be done about it. I need to stop stressing over the things I can't change.

Ugh. So I tell myself. I don't actually see myself stopping stressing. Usually I don't really consider myself a stressful person, but usually I'm not put in stressful situations. Then I get to one like this and I veritably seethe with stress.

We'll see I suppose. No use borrowing trouble. At least I'll get out some tonight. I have a softball game. It should help calm me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IVYCRYSTALS 7/21/2008 3:58PM

    I'm sorry things are so stressful for you right now. I understand how frustrating it can be. It is such an ugly cycle and hard to get out of. I'm not sure if you're looking for advice/suggestions or just needed to get it off your chest, but if you're looking for a suggestion, here are my two cents. When I get really stressed about all the things I have to get done, I start plugging in time for myself into my calendar and then I make sure it gets done. I'm a huge fan of "me time". I've also started practicing yoga. It helps me calm down and relieves stress. I often get to class feeling frazzled, but by the end of the class, I feel ready to conquer the world again.

I believe in you and know that you'll strike a balance that works for you. Good luck and spark mail me if I can help!

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July 20th

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

So, I've just realized I'm supposed to have lost at least 20 more lbs (preferably 25 to 30) by July 20th when I have a traditional ceremonial dance to engage in that requires being scantily clad. Somehow, I don't think it's going to happen. Oh well. I guess I'll just have to be fat and half naked, which is never fun. Or, I could give up the ghost and just not dance this year. I'm the oldest girl I know of dancing, but it's just too important to stop because I'm feeling out of place. I read a story about how a woman treadmilled all day everyday for I'm thinking around two weeks and lost like 20 lbs. Maybe I'll go that route. Just kidding. Mostly.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THINKGREEN 6/11/2008 10:08PM

    Tiana, you might not lose 20 lbs, but you will have lost something by July 20th. And if you're doing both cardio and strength training you'll be surprised how quickly you tone up. I think you should dance. It's an important part of who you are and an important part of your culture. If we hold off on everything until we hit those magic numbers, a lot of life is going to pass us by.


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Final interteam challenge

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Well, I got nowhere. I maintained, which is not a bad thing, but not a good thing either in my case. Well, to be honest, as of last weigh in I'd lost 0.1 lbs. Can't discount that, j/k.

My big problem is food itself. For example, I've been very good about exercise the last couple of weeks, going out for a good hike or something similar almost everyday. But I'm not getting anywhere because even if I do well on food most of the week, I generally have at least one, and sometimes two, days of absolute terrible eating. It generally comes when I go north to visit my grandmother, who always has horribly tempting food lying around. I always tell myself it's just one thing, and then figure that one thing's ruined the calories for the day it so let's eat more horrible things. I think I really need to plan out my food for the day in the morning, or the evening before, and bring my lunch with me so I'm not tempted to go to the store where there are many evil things.

I've noticed that I particularly go for these things when I'm tired, more from a disdain of stirring my butt to go fix something healthy than from a need for the bad foods themselves. Maybe I'll put extra effort into getting enough sleep and maintaining a more regular schedule next challenge. Good thing is I'm hopefully getting an outdoor job which will require a lot of hiking around, so that should help.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THINKGREEN 5/28/2008 4:48PM

    I know fatigue gets the better of me a lot of times, too. But you're right when you say a more regular sleep schedule and planning ahead will help. Good luck on the new job --we should be able to count some of that hiking as cardio minutes for summer, right? (lol)


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ASHLEYF3 5/28/2008 11:24AM

    I feel that those "lazy" days sometimes sabotage all our efforts and comfort foods feel so good (at least till we hit the scale). That is great that you might be getting a more active job - I know sitting at this desk all day is a downfall of mine! I think you are right planning ahead is a big part of all it. Keep up all the efforts - you can make the changes you want!


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Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Contrary to my last (long ago) blog entry, I'm tired. I don't seem to see any hope for improvement anymore. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut in so many ways, which is patently absurd because I've only been in the situation I'm in for less than a year. I'm not sure it's even possible to define a rut as being stuck less than a year.

But I can't seem to get motivated anymore. I've barely exercised this week and have paid no attention to what I've eaten, allowing myself way to much fat. Haha, I wish I was like my college roommate who literally did not like the taste of fatty foods. That would be handy. I think a large part of it is I can never seem to keep things tidy around my house, which may seem silly, but it just drags me down when I get home and the dishes aren't done and the cat got sick on the floor and the laundry hamper is full. Just thinking about all the annoying little details of life drags me down and I don't get *anything* done.

I constantly feel tired (which might be due to the fact that I don't sleep enough at night) and so drag through my work days and go home and do nothing. It's a gorgeous sunny day outside, but though my mom asked me if I wanted to go hike through the woods (something I love to do) I said no, I was too tired, and so I'm missing out on something that is special to me. There's a dozen things on my plate at work right now, and I'm barely moving on any of them, which is not only dampening to myself, but it's not honorable since I'm being paid to do what I do. I used to love it, but now...I'm just going through the motions.

I think I'm going to try a few things. For one, I am going to allow for nine hours of sleep a night and hopefully get my full eight. I'm such a night owl, but since the rest of the world doesn't work like I do, I'm only hurting myself by staying up 'til 2 in the morning. I'm also going to either start my day by plotting out specific activities (and maybe a schedule of them) that I want to get done in the day. For a third point, I'm going to look at my lack of motivation as a choice. I read a spark people article recently that said that we on the weight loss/healthy lifestyle journey never lack for motivation, unless we *don't* want to lose weight or be healthy, which is absurd. Not feeling the motivation makes us think that we have no choice, can't do it, my mind's not into it, but we always have a choice and it's just a matter of doing what I ought to do until it feels right, like it should.

Maybe I'll take a 15 minute break out of my not doing anything anyway right now and get started on my lists and deciding what choices I'm going to make ahead of time, before I lose my will.

Wish me luck and say a prayer for me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

THINKGREEN 5/10/2008 5:51AM

    Don't overwhelm yourself with your own "to-do" list. I find that when my motivation is saggin if I pick 3 things and get them done, it helps. Then when I'm consistently getting 3 done, I up it to 4, etc. Pick one thing from each area of your life -- something specific and doable. And do something fun for yourself -- a manicure, a new hairdo, a weekend away. The idea of getting more sleep is definitely a good one. Take care of you, coz you deserve it!


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    omg i think the vioces in my head have come to life and started blogging lol.that sounds just like me.but i have found if i take just a few min andmkae myself do one thing i dont realy want to do,i realy get into it.or if i go workout for a few then come back to thinga espeacialy in the house cleaning area,i can get a few things done with out getting to over whelmed.i think u just need to stop take a min to reflect andget thingds in order of importance.u can do it. if u need some one hit me up.

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UNIQUELYJULZ 5/7/2008 7:15PM

    Whew!!! You said it! Life is about choices... So right!!

I am going to join you and make my own list of what I am NOT going to do according to how I feel! I am going to do it cuz I have chosen today to do it for the rest of my life.

Thanks for sharing and getting me motivated. You're in my prayers!! Hit me up and let me know how you are doing....

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Love thyself entry

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Well, historically I have never really been satisfied with myself. I would not say I was an unhappy person, because I had friends to hang out with, a great family, challenges to drive me forward. But I've never considered myself pretty, and witty and wise, or any of those really.

However, as a part of my New Year's resolutions (which actually began in December 2007), I have become determined to go through and actually count my blessings and not take what I have to be grateful for for granted. I began by categorizing the things outside of myself that I have been blessed with, like my family, strong cultural roots, a beautiful homeland, etc, and this caused me to treat what I have with more respect, which I think has made me a better and more likable person. I'm more conscientious now. Not in a stifling way, but sort of like extending my lifestyle change of Sparkpeople into other aspects of my life.

Looking back at what I've been given and categorizing the good things I've done with them has improved my self-esteem which in turn has made me more willing to keep improving myself. I've got a picture of my future self as fit and trim and enrolled in grad school and working towards creating a life I'm going to love. Things are looking good.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

UNIQUELYJULZ 5/7/2008 7:18PM

    Girl, you are good! I agree with you on counting blessings. I have thanked God continually and openly for over a year concerning my job. And, no surprise, I am totally satisfied in working where I do... DUH! I need to start thanking God for my blessings in other areas of my life, which would bring more contentment and enjoyment.

Keep posting cuz you have good things to say!!

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CJWALD 2/14/2008 9:30PM

    I like your statement about your future picture of yourself as the goal you are working towards. I think you are well on your way.

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MTNEST 2/14/2008 8:06PM

    Tiana, it sure seems like you have succeeded in your new way of thinking. Not only in your weight loss, but it seems you are more content with yourself. I bet you are rubbing off on a lot of people around you. Way to go!

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HONEYBEA 2/14/2008 6:35PM

    You can't lose weight or make progress in life until you get your thoughts under control. It sounds like you're on the right path now for accomplishing that and so much more.

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