Tuesday, July 15, 2008
It seems I'm always stressed now. It hasn't been this bad since I was at Harvard. My headaches are coming back, I'm eating poorly and I don't seem to smile much anymore. I never used to wake up in the night, but now I do several times a night and I wake up thinking about all the things I have to do or should have and didn't. I don't like it. I'm not even going to get to dance this year, dancing being a very calming experience, because my work and my body both are going to disallow it. It's possible that stress is the reason my body is disallowing it. Oh well. Maybe it's time to pass the torch to the younglings. Even if I don't dance anymore, it's soothing to watch which I can do next year.
I think of how some other countries look at Americans and think we're crazy for working too much, and I'm starting to think they're right. But at the same time, I'm only doing what needs to be done. Sometimes the question is asked, "what would happen if you didn't work today...would the world end? would everything come crashing down?" The conclusion you're supposed to come to is that no, things will continue, life goes on. But in this case, and I think in a lot of cases in my past and in other peoples' lives, yeah, if you take a break things are going to fail and opportunities will be missed. Sure we've got the ability to make a choice that's better for us as an individual; there's always a choice of some sort. But in the end, it's not only about me and how overworked I feel. There are people counting on me.
But, now that I've ranted, it all comes down to this. I've done what I can. I can't do anymore. At this point I'm waiting on other people and there's nothing to be done about it. I need to stop stressing over the things I can't change.
Ugh. So I tell myself. I don't actually see myself stopping stressing. Usually I don't really consider myself a stressful person, but usually I'm not put in stressful situations. Then I get to one like this and I veritably seethe with stress.
We'll see I suppose. No use borrowing trouble. At least I'll get out some tonight. I have a softball game. It should help calm me.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
So, I've just realized I'm supposed to have lost at least 20 more lbs (preferably 25 to 30) by July 20th when I have a traditional ceremonial dance to engage in that requires being scantily clad. Somehow, I don't think it's going to happen. Oh well. I guess I'll just have to be fat and half naked, which is never fun. Or, I could give up the ghost and just not dance this year. I'm the oldest girl I know of dancing, but it's just too important to stop because I'm feeling out of place. I read a story about how a woman treadmilled all day everyday for I'm thinking around two weeks and lost like 20 lbs. Maybe I'll go that route. Just kidding. Mostly.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Well, I got nowhere. I maintained, which is not a bad thing, but not a good thing either in my case. Well, to be honest, as of last weigh in I'd lost 0.1 lbs. Can't discount that, j/k.
My big problem is food itself. For example, I've been very good about exercise the last couple of weeks, going out for a good hike or something similar almost everyday. But I'm not getting anywhere because even if I do well on food most of the week, I generally have at least one, and sometimes two, days of absolute terrible eating. It generally comes when I go north to visit my grandmother, who always has horribly tempting food lying around. I always tell myself it's just one thing, and then figure that one thing's ruined the calories for the day it so let's eat more horrible things. I think I really need to plan out my food for the day in the morning, or the evening before, and bring my lunch with me so I'm not tempted to go to the store where there are many evil things.
I've noticed that I particularly go for these things when I'm tired, more from a disdain of stirring my butt to go fix something healthy than from a need for the bad foods themselves. Maybe I'll put extra effort into getting enough sleep and maintaining a more regular schedule next challenge. Good thing is I'm hopefully getting an outdoor job which will require a lot of hiking around, so that should help.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Contrary to my last (long ago) blog entry, I'm tired. I don't seem to see any hope for improvement anymore. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut in so many ways, which is patently absurd because I've only been in the situation I'm in for less than a year. I'm not sure it's even possible to define a rut as being stuck less than a year.
But I can't seem to get motivated anymore. I've barely exercised this week and have paid no attention to what I've eaten, allowing myself way to much fat. Haha, I wish I was like my college roommate who literally did not like the taste of fatty foods. That would be handy. I think a large part of it is I can never seem to keep things tidy around my house, which may seem silly, but it just drags me down when I get home and the dishes aren't done and the cat got sick on the floor and the laundry hamper is full. Just thinking about all the annoying little details of life drags me down and I don't get *anything* done.
I constantly feel tired (which might be due to the fact that I don't sleep enough at night) and so drag through my work days and go home and do nothing. It's a gorgeous sunny day outside, but though my mom asked me if I wanted to go hike through the woods (something I love to do) I said no, I was too tired, and so I'm missing out on something that is special to me. There's a dozen things on my plate at work right now, and I'm barely moving on any of them, which is not only dampening to myself, but it's not honorable since I'm being paid to do what I do. I used to love it, but now...I'm just going through the motions.
I think I'm going to try a few things. For one, I am going to allow for nine hours of sleep a night and hopefully get my full eight. I'm such a night owl, but since the rest of the world doesn't work like I do, I'm only hurting myself by staying up 'til 2 in the morning. I'm also going to either start my day by plotting out specific activities (and maybe a schedule of them) that I want to get done in the day. For a third point, I'm going to look at my lack of motivation as a choice. I read a spark people article recently that said that we on the weight loss/healthy lifestyle journey never lack for motivation, unless we *don't* want to lose weight or be healthy, which is absurd. Not feeling the motivation makes us think that we have no choice, can't do it, my mind's not into it, but we always have a choice and it's just a matter of doing what I ought to do until it feels right, like it should.
Maybe I'll take a 15 minute break out of my not doing anything anyway right now and get started on my lists and deciding what choices I'm going to make ahead of time, before I lose my will.
Wish me luck and say a prayer for me.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Well, historically I have never really been satisfied with myself. I would not say I was an unhappy person, because I had friends to hang out with, a great family, challenges to drive me forward. But I've never considered myself pretty, and witty and wise, or any of those really.
However, as a part of my New Year's resolutions (which actually began in December 2007), I have become determined to go through and actually count my blessings and not take what I have to be grateful for for granted. I began by categorizing the things outside of myself that I have been blessed with, like my family, strong cultural roots, a beautiful homeland, etc, and this caused me to treat what I have with more respect, which I think has made me a better and more likable person. I'm more conscientious now. Not in a stifling way, but sort of like extending my lifestyle change of Sparkpeople into other aspects of my life.
Looking back at what I've been given and categorizing the good things I've done with them has improved my self-esteem which in turn has made me more willing to keep improving myself. I've got a picture of my future self as fit and trim and enrolled in grad school and working towards creating a life I'm going to love. Things are looking good.
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