Thursday, July 18, 2013
So I realized a few days ago that I hadn't reported a rather life altering event. Given the way I gush in past blogs, it may not be surprising to hear that:
I AM GETTING MARRIED!!!!
I've actually been engaged since last January, so about 6 months now. We are likely to be married next May or June, I haven't quite decided. Geez that's a long way off. Hate going to visit my honey, or vice versa, and having to go home after a couple of days. Ready for that to be done.
Anyway. I'm looking into wedding things, and more than one person out there has suggested that I should be looking for a dress at least 6 months before the event, which means by early December. I have not lost the weight I want to before the wedding, which means that if I want a dress that looks good and fits me in May, I'm going to have to have lost the weight by December to look for the right dress.
I go back to what works, which is eating whole foods and trying to drink lots of water. Whenever I am consistent with this, I am successful. It's being consistent that is the key. I sent myself into a panic when I realized I had about 5 months to get this done, this thing that I've been trying to do for 9 years, with limited success. I of course have a compelling reason now, which is my wedding.
But I've definitely developed a binge eating habit in response to the added stress of needing to get fit. Which is stupid and obviously somewhat counterproductive. When I think about eating healthy I start panicking a bit and then try and cram as much bad food into my day as I can, because I'll NEVER EVER EVER HAVE IT EVER AGAIN! once I start dieting the next day. Of course, this is absurd, and I never start dieting because I keep wanting that last taste.
Not sure how to work through these psychoses. I had a low carb sandwich for breakfast this morning, and I brought celery, bell pepper, and leftover ribs for lunch. These are all tasty things to me. It took about 5 minutes to prep food this morning. But some mornings, I just can't seem to do it. And if I DO do it, I will sometimes buy bad food instead of eating what I brought just because it seems so tiresome to me.
It feels like a chore, and I feel frantic when I think about eating like this consistently, not only for the next year, but for the rest of my life.
Just need to calm down. It's not that difficult.
Friday, April 05, 2013
I posted a few weeks ago about how I'd go from 160 to 157 by the end of the month.
Yeah. That was a lie. I'm now 161.2. Le sigh. But, this is what happens when you eat junk and don't exercise.
Been eating right AGAIN for about four days. As usual, I feel great. Much more energy, not feeling naggy munchy urges.
Thinking about Aaron coming this weekend, and I can already see myself sabotaging. I don't want to cook. When it's just me, I can graze on quick (mostly) healthy things. Say, yesterday. Bell pepper and hummus for breakfast. Homemade vegetable and sausage soup for lunch. Some carrots for a snack. A tbsp of peanut butter when starving at home, followed by a quickly made low-carb burrito with cheese, bell pepper, chili pepper and sausage. Dessert of blueberries and cream. The soup took me about 10 minutes to chop for and lasts for days, and the burrito takes me about four minutes to make. Just eating things that taste good, I came out at 1,371 Cal, 57 g protein, and 73 net g of carb (which is highish but I'm shooting for under 100, under 80 preferably). For those who believe in the Cal in, Cal out equation, I'm good. I worry that my carbs are too high, but really, if keep net under 80 I tend to do pretty well. A good day's work. But it's different when you have to feed someone else who doesn't eat like you. He always says it's fine, but I always guilt trip myself into cooking something less good for me because it's more in line with his tastes. Which is, in a word, dumb.
I'm going to be out of food by tomorrow. Need to shop, and I need to make food. And it's just dumb to say that it's such a big thing to cook an actual meal for dinner. I mean what, season some chicken breast and throw it in the oven. Heat up some frozen veggies, or cook up a squash? No big thing. But I have to think about it. Thinking is bad. But better to think about it now, then get there and be like, ugh, I have to cook. I'm so lazy.
Hee hee. I think about Aaron coming and start thinking "love love love" in my head and smiling goofy. Maybe if I think about cooking good food for him as a way to cariefor him/give something to him. That makes it more palatable and less of a chore.
Anyway. Here's hoping I don't derail myself this weekend.
Wednesday, April 03, 2013
I gave up TV for Lent. It was so good for me, and I got so much more done. I picked it up again after Easter. I already feel less productive and less happy.
No more TV! Or at least, only on weekends. Which seems reasonable. I'm not one who has to unwind after work these days, and when I do, it works to be unwinding by doing house or yardwork.
I'm so glad my body doesn't yet react to my abuses of it too negatively. Just getting off another bout of eating whatever I want when I want. I definitely spend more time eating badly than I do well. And I have definitely mentally fixated on whole wheat pasta as my binge food. Not that I eat a terrible lot of it when I do, but when I feel deprived, that's what I want. It epitomizes everything I have given up. And ti's chewy. And tasty with straight butter and salt. Which is probably the worst way to eat it.
In any case, I kept myself from it a couple nights ago, and was very proud of myself. Drank much fluid to compensate. Almost always when I want something sweet it's fixed by drinking water. Not sure why thirst manifests itself that way to me.
Briefly played with exercising, but then caught the head cold of doom and destruction and it clung to me viciously for two weeks. Pretty healed up now, which is good. Gotta find the will to start exercising again, which, cutting TV back down will help with. As the sun has been out more and more these days (though we could really use some more rain and snow), my energy level has been rising and I've been more upbeat. Between the little cloud bursts and the subsequent sun, my yard has been growing like crazy. Need to attack!!!! Which is good exercise.
Just bought a bike, since riding is now Aaron's passion and it seems like a fun thing to do together. Wish I was out on it now, in the sun. Been seriously sun craving the last couple of days, and stuck inside doing data entry. I wish it was summer and I could go bake by the side of the river.
Anyway. Just happy today. And excited about getting back up on the horse.
Friday, March 15, 2013
I actually did this a couple years ago, and was going through old blogs. Thought I'd do it again.
Whats a fact about the last person you were in love with?
He's a major trekkie and a total nerd. It's, adorable.
Who was the last person you gave up on?
I was going to say Samir, but I still think it's my ex-friend Seth. Samir I pray and have hopes for still. Seth, I just don't give a damn about.
Have you talked to a complete jerk today?
What did you do last night?
Conquered part of my yard! Mowed, despite it still being winter. I felt triumphant. Texted my honey, took a bath.
Do you think relationships are even worth it?
Given that I currently have the best man in the entire world? Yes.
If you could pack up and move would you?
...Nope, I don't think so. It was a question, when Aaron and I have discussed a potential future life together, but if we go that route, it makes sense to both of us to move into my home.
Do your parents REALLY know you?
Mostly. Not as much as I used to think they did. And by parents, I mean the various parts of my family that helped raised me.
When was the last time you laughed really hard?
Last Sunday I imagine. I can't remember why, but I can remember not being able to stop.
What are you excited for?
...all kinds of things!!!!!
Has anyone told you lately that they would always be there for you?
Yep. Aaron does fairly regularly. He doesn't use the word always, neither one of us like it, but he's there, and he commits through words.
What do you want right now?
To go home. Just blogging at the end of the day.
Are your parents divorced?
Yes, thank goodness. Not that my dad is a bad guy, but I'm glad it was just mom and me.
Do you fall for people easily?
I trust people too easily. I don't fall easily. But when I do, I fall hard.
Would you ever get a tattoo?
Not unless I something occurred to me that really meant something. Then, maybe.
What's your mood right now?
Chill, and happy.
Did you enjoy your weekend?
Yep, I did. Way too busy Saturday, but Sunday was chill, and I got to visit my honey and his aunts and their dogs. Which was fufn.
Last person you told a secret to?
My friend Rachel I think.
Are you stubborn?
Are you gonna be home alone tonight?
Yep. Though I'll probably spend some time with at my grandma's first, with her and mom.
Are you listening to music right now?
Who else is in the room with you?
No one. It's the end of my work day, and I've clocked out and am just doing this before I go.
In winter, would you rather wear jackets or hoodies?
Jackets almost exclusively, unless I'm going to get dirty.
Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?
At home, mowing my lawn.
How long can you go without your mobile phone?
5 hours before I go crazy.
Ever kissed someone else's girlfriend/̴
No more than platonically.
When's the worst time to say I love you?
At their wedding to someone else...
Who was the last person in your room besides family?
The cat. Aaron.
What is one place you would love to visit right now?
Do you know anyone named Dan?
Is there someone you know you should hate, but you can't?
No. You should never hate.
Is there anyone you trust even though you shouldn't?
There was. Not anymore.
Are you afraid of falling in love?
I'm there, whole heartedly. So...not so much.
Have you had the chicken pox?
I think so. My parents can't remember it, but I remember it. I had it at the same time my two boy cousins did.
Are you a forgiving person?
Too much so, if I love the person, or even have strong affection. It tends to get me in trouble. If I don't, and someone pisses me off, I tend to just drop them as not worth my time, since I wasn't invested in them anyway.
Are you talking to someone while doing this?
Are you younger than 21?
Do you like winter?
When I don't have to go outside to work in it.
How clean is your room?
Reasonably good actually. Makes me happy.
Do you have feelings for anyone?
I'm recognizing a theme in these questions. Many Aaron's in them...
Is there anyone you need to tell something to?
Do you want to yell at the top of your lungs?
I did that last yes.
What do you think about people who get hair extensions?̴
Meh. Don't really think about them.
Are you named after a grandparent?R
My middle name comes not from grandparent, but the generations above. My mom has it too though, so I don't know.
Who's bed did you sleep in last?
Mine own. It was gooood.
Do you like the color green?
My favorite, on par with red.
How many hours did you sleep for last night?
Where was your default taken?
In my office. And then modified, obviouslyu.
How do you feel about the last person that called you?
I think he's very efficient, and I appreciate the work that he does.
Are you someone's first love?
Last place you smoked a cigarette?
Never have. I don't think.
Last time you received flowers?
Lol, um...not sure. My boyfriend stopped giving them to me. He likes to give live flowers, and I tend to kill them.
Who did you hang out with last Monday?
Grams for a bit.
What are you doing tommorow?
Baby shower for my friend Karina! It's gonna be neat.
Are you addicted to anything?
Yellow cupcakes with chocolate frosting. The longing will never go away.
Are you tired?
Nope :-) I like it.
What are you about to do?
Go home, visit grams. Maybe mow a bit.
When did you sign up for Myspace?
I can't even remember. Haven't been there for years.
What do you do when you get mad?
Where were you saturday night at 12?
Aaron's house, on his couch.
Whats bothering you right now?
Not a dam thing.
Are facial piercings trashy?
No, but I do find some of them seriously unattractive.
What color is your tongue?
pink? What else would it be? I'm not a giraffe to have a black tongue.
Is it possible that you could be pregnant right now?
Hellz no. Can't do that 'til I get a raise. Which, btw, I am! Like, 70 cents. But still.
When was the last time you had your hair cut?
A little over three months ago. Gonna let it go one more month than trim it.
Does anyone have a lock of your hair?
Not as far as I can recall. I did turn in a few strands of hair as "organic matter" to my high school biology teacher for a class assignment though.
If you had to go without one food group for the rest of your life, which would it be?
Wheat, I suppose. I love it, but I feel like it hurts me.
When you go to the zoo, what are you most excited about seeing?
Otters usually. Or the various primates.
Who is your favorite talk show host?
I don't watch TV. Definitely don't watch talk shows.
What makes you happy?
Most everything in my life these days.
What's the greatest thing that happened to you today?
Lol, got informed I was gonna get a raise :p It's only about $80 more a month, but that's not insignificant to me.
Do you like the person you are becoming?
Yes, I do actually. I like her a lot.
Do you miss anyone from your past?
Yes. Some more than others.
Friday, March 15, 2013
I currently weight 160 lbs. By the end of the month, I will weigh 157.
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