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A Year on SP: What I have learned

Thursday, November 25, 2010

What a year! If you had told me one year ago all the changes that would happen in the next 365 days, I wouldn't have believed you. I'd have asked what pharmaceutical you were using. And maybe where I could get some of the same.

Or I might have gone back to bed, and not gotten up for a year, too. It's a good thing Life happens one day at a time. Sime changes were great and some were tough.

I lost:
- my entire family,
- my life partner (that hurt even worse)
- my beloved Manx cat of 18 years (if you are an animal lover, you know this can be worse than loss of a person)
- my job
- use of my right ankle and left knee for periods of time
-sense of security with various cancer-related issues occurring

But... I also gained:
- freedom from a set of toxic, abusive people (ain't nuthin' better than that!)
- faith in myself to carry on, no matter what the outlook or odds
-faith in my ability to think quickly and act creatively (and FAST!)
- a healthy lifestyle to keep my weight and health under control, in spite of *everything* (now, that's freedom)

I learned:

-it's never too late to start a new chapter. Be who you always wanted to be. As long as you have a pulse, you can keep learning and start something new.

- Anything good you have been given is yours forever, even if the "anything/anyone good" has to leave physical form.... for now. They are in your heart forever.

- Making lemonade out of lemons can be really fun, and can lead you on new pathways if you have a creative and daring spirit. (Apparently, I have exercised one of those into being... and pretty glad about that.)

- And the converse: It's exhausting making lemon after lemon after lemon into lemonade. It would tax any sane human (fortunately, I am crazy). . But the alternative (sitting around moping) isn't very useful and won't manifest the life you want. So get a little crazy.

- Exercise does help when you are anxious. It helps when you aren't, too.

-I can exercise through nearly anything. I just have to modify a few things when this or that limb does not work.

-I can start every single day with oatmeal and blueberries. Really. They're good!

-Water is the coolest chemical compund on Earth - or anywhere else. It has the coolest properties that nothing else can compare with, and that's why we have life on Earth. Drink lots of it. It is pretty amazing!

-Make Spark Friends! There are some awesome people here!

- Some people will be there for you when things are down. There are some folks who will even hold your hand, let you cry, and .... sit in silence with you. Treasure them. They are gems!

- Some people will celebrate your successes with you, with absolutely no jealousy at all. They are jewels, too!!

-Some people will be both of the above. Hang on tight to these folks, and nurture them, too,, because they are rarer than unicorns!

-Have faith that you can reach a goal. This isn't a race. There is no time limit.

-Feel free to modify your goals. It's your life!

-There's no One, True, and Only Way to live Life. Trust the way that works for you. We're all different, and that is fabulous! It's ok to be different - you might just inspire someone else to be daring and creative.

-Enjoy your life. It's the only thing you truly possess, and it is yours for a short time.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KIJO0607 12/31/2010 8:18PM

    Thank you for sharing this blog. It's really powerful and I think it is something we can all relate to!

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JANIEWWJD 12/5/2010 7:43PM

    WOW!!! May the good Lord bless and keep you in good health. You have overcome many obstacles this past year. May the new year bring many, many blessings!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CBACH71 12/5/2010 3:34AM

    That attitude will get you wherever you want to go in this life! Keep up the great work and never stop believing in yourself. emoticon

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RHONDA_11 12/4/2010 9:50AM

    Wow, that just put some things in perspective for me. I have been spending a lot of time feeling sorry for myself lately. My husband is toxic and I have been a stay at home wife and mother for years and am looking for a job for the first time in years, I am scared, and it goes on and on. You are so brave. You give me someone to look to for an example and count my blessings instead of all things that are wrong. Thank you. Rhonda

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BUTEAFULL 12/1/2010 4:27PM


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LATVIAN_SANDY 12/1/2010 1:22PM

    emoticonThis was emoticon emoticon

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4MOM77 12/1/2010 12:53AM

  WOW. I made a copy of this do that I can use what you said as inspirational mantras. Thank you for opening up a very personal part of your life to us. Sometimes many years of life's hardships can get packed into one year, I know because it has happened to me. Good luck and stay strong.

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KELLY40222 11/30/2010 8:11PM

    Thank you for this wonderful blog!

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HIKETOHEIGHTS 11/30/2010 3:49PM


¸.•´¸.•¨) ¸.•¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ (¸.•¨¯`♥Victoria!

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ANISMENDOZA81 11/30/2010 2:29PM

    This blog brought tears to my eyes. Simply put together with so much punch. Thanks for sharing! emoticon

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ANGELBELIEVER 11/30/2010 1:38PM

    What a beautiful blog. Your attitude is so good especially after all of your losses. You are an incredible lady. emoticon

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M77355 11/30/2010 1:30PM

    Thank you so much for posting this.

Comment edited on: 11/30/2010 1:33:26 PM

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TKAYSMILES 11/30/2010 1:09PM

    Great blog!! Congrats to your one year, that is awesome!!

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TEENY_BIKINI 11/30/2010 12:45PM

    I just love it when you are happy :)

Go rock star!

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DOODIE59 11/30/2010 12:39PM

    Thank you so much for the wise advice. You have a remarkable attitude. I hope I can learn from it! emoticon

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YAMINOKODOMO 11/30/2010 12:33PM

    Im sorry I missed this blog before!

I am super proud of you! emoticon emoticon

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SMYLESX4 11/29/2010 11:13PM

    what great inspiration for all of us....thanks and how true!!!! emoticon

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SCOTMAMA 11/29/2010 9:30PM

    YOU, my dear -- are an amazing person! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LOSE4LIFE10 11/29/2010 9:06PM

  well done :)

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MYOWNHERO 11/29/2010 8:52PM

    Life has taught you so much, thanks for sharing!

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SUSIEWHITE1109 11/29/2010 8:29PM

    Terrific blog! I can relate to so many of your experiences, but most of all, I applaud your terrific attitude...like you said, as long as we have a pulse, it's not too late to create the life we want to live!

I've added you as a Spark Friend, because I think you're one of the terrific people out there, and would be honored to do the journey with you!



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ELLEBE725 11/29/2010 7:57PM

    Great blog!! You have a great attitude and outlook!!! Thanks for sharing with all of us!!!

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SWEETMOMMY41 11/29/2010 7:53PM

  what an inspiring and great blog! you are doing so well and you have been through so much. have a terrific day!

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TEACHDIANN78 11/29/2010 7:24PM

    That is a lot to learn and go through in a year! It's true...what doesn't kill us, just makes us stronger!

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BASTEAT46 11/29/2010 6:31PM

    You are truly an amazing person. Congratulations on your year with SP that is wonderful. All of your losses were major ones. This year is going to be a better year. You make me realize my problems are not so big. Thanks for sharing this. emoticon emoticon

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BASTEAT46 11/29/2010 6:30PM

    You are truly an amazing person. Congratulations on your year with SP that is wonderful. All of your losses were major ones. This year is going to be a better year. You make me realize my problems are not so big. Thanks for sharing this. emoticon emoticon

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BASTEAT46 11/29/2010 6:30PM

    You are truly an amazing person. Congratulations on your year with SP that is wonderful. All of your losses were major ones. This year is going to be a better year. You make me realize my problems are not so big. Thanks for sharing this. emoticon emoticon

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JANI-LOU 11/29/2010 3:25PM

  Terrific blog. I really enjoyed reading about your successes! Sorry to hear about the loss of your cat. Yes, I've loved a few animals that much.Sounds like the rest of them -- you're better off without!
Keep on Sparking!


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KARENE10 11/29/2010 2:28PM

    You have such a great attitude. Stay positive! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ELB1209 11/29/2010 1:14PM

    Thank you for writing this. What a great, positive attitude you have towards life, despite all your hardships. It's amazing the things we can overcome and even grow from when we allow ourselves to, and just change our mindset. You are truly an inspiration to all of us! Keep up the good work, and please keep writing and sharing. Your words are helpful not only for you, but also for the rest of us trying to achieve the same goals or similar goals as you.

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DELLASOL 11/29/2010 1:07PM

    Very insipiring! Thank you for sharing your story.

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JAMIEJOYNER 11/29/2010 12:39PM

    I thought I already commented on your blog but I guess i didn't so I am doing it now.

I love what you had to say! It's wonderful that you have so many things happen to you and you are still able to fight and kick your way through it. What a strong person. When my dad had quintuple bypass surgery in October (it was a surprise and an emergency) I sort of forgot how to live. I couldn't remember what day it was or even if I had ate or when I slept. It was so weird once he came out of it ok and started getting back to semi normal I realized I did not remember if I was dieting or exercising. It was scary that my dad was going through that but it was pretty scary that I could not even remember doing basic simple life things.

You are so strong! keep going and pressing on!

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JGINTX 11/29/2010 12:30PM

    This morning, I woke up to find that my little dog, Molly, had passed away in her sleep last night. She was with us 17 years. I think the Lord led me to this blog just now - as sad as I am and as well as I know "this too shall pass", your blog has given me some added strength today.

Bless you, SparkFriend!!

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ALLI429 11/29/2010 11:58AM

    You have learned really good things in very hard circumstances. Thanks for being open!


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NINNY165 11/29/2010 11:56AM

    Stay strong emoticon emoticon

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SANDYMISA 11/29/2010 11:45AM

    Thank you for sharing - I am impressed by your continuing commitment to yourself in the face of so many challenges. Great job!


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CUDDLYPOLARBEAR 11/29/2010 11:39AM

    Great post....
Stay Positive

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LINDABENEDICT 11/29/2010 11:15AM

    Oh wow ! What an awesome blog from a really incredible person. All the best to you !!!!!!! Thanks sooo much for sharing your story.

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MUSIKGIRL 11/29/2010 10:56AM

  Great attitude...keep it up!

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LRSILVER 11/29/2010 9:28AM

    Wow. You have a wonderful attitude. I don't know if I could have kept going. You have a lot to be proud of. Keep it up. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SHANNONSTILLS 11/29/2010 9:12AM

You are strong, you are good, YOU ARE

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HEIDE69 11/29/2010 7:51AM

    What a year! Good luck on the rest of your journey!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 11/29/2010 7:14AM

    Wow, just wow. emoticon

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ABNTRPRSWIFE 11/29/2010 7:12AM

    When you can triumph over tragedy, that is when you can truely say you have accomplished something great in your life. Congratulations on all your triumphs and know that you are now inspiring others (like me) to stick with the plan. Through you we see a light at the end of the tunnel that doesn't have anything to do with a number on the scale, but something far greater...self-love. Thank you.

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MASE72 11/29/2010 7:02AM

    Thanks for sharing ! emoticon emoticon

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COMPUCATHY 11/29/2010 6:32AM

    Amen and amen. You have been through so much this year. But you are doing great. Your attitude is right. You're learning how to cope with it all and you are not just eating it all under. That's amazing and noteworthy. I wish you the best as you journey on. I'm so glad you are here on SP. Embrace the support that is available. You have a great future ahead. Keep sparking! emoticon emoticon

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KHELMAN 11/29/2010 2:22AM

    you are truly inspirational thank you for sharing emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SARCHRIS 11/29/2010 2:15AM

  Keep y our chin up and on to new and better things in your life emoticon

Comment edited on: 11/29/2010 2:35:51 PM

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MOMOF3NEWYORK 11/28/2010 5:07PM

    Did you realize you've also become a philosopher on life? What a year you've had. Keep on keepin' on!! and THANK YOU for sharing!! emoticon

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LINDA5758 11/28/2010 2:40PM

    You have been truly an inspiration. My heart goes out to you in all your trouble . I don't know how you kept going. I'm sure allot of us would have gave up. May God be with you and bring you all the best in the future. Keep up the good work. I know you will be able to accomplish anything else that will come your way. We all love you even though we may not know you personally.
Linda emoticon

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A little bit about Palo Mayombe

Monday, October 25, 2010

Since many folks were curious, here is a little bit about Palo Mayombe. Just a wee bit, as it would be impossible to sum up an entire religion in a SP blog. It's my take, based on my experiences in the religion. Other people's mileage may vary. My initiation was in Venezuela, so frankly, I trust that TONS more than pseudo-explanations I hear from people who read a book or a website in America, who speak neither Congolese nor Spanish, and just get off on the "power" aspect.

Wikipedia is NOT your friend when it comes to certain topics... and this would be one of them :-)

There are different pathways of Palo, and it was, and is, practiced in what is now the DRC (Democratic Republic of the Congo). Some Congolese were enslaved and brought to the islands of the coast of what is now North America during the Middle Passage. As people migrated between the U.S. and Cuba, Puerto Rico, the DR, Brazil, Venezuela, Trinidad and Tobago, there has been more migration of religious and spiritual practice.

The branches of Palo remain somewhat obscured, even on American spiritual landscape. Oh, we're not in the closet. We're just not up for a parade!

Palo Monte and Mayombe are earth-centered and element-centered religions that recognize a Supreme Being. Pagan paths, in one sense, in that they are practiced by "country" people. Palo in Spanish means 'stick' or 'wood', and Palo does connect us to the healing properties of woods, trees, and plants. Ideally, it connects one to the reverence for trees and plants.

I was drawn (some/most practitioners would say called - as Palo chooses YOU, not the other way round) by the emphasis on ancestor-reverence, work with the Dead, the reverence and working with Nature, the reverence and working with Forces of Nature, and a Supreme Being.

My padrino (godfather) in Palo once said that this Supreme Being set the Universe in motion, but is old and tired and not directly involved in human lives. That made complete sense for me.

You don't have to agree or argue or anything - this is just an explanation of what it is I've experienced. I respect your path. I am sharing a bit of mine.

Spirits "own" your head ( a bit like Santería or Voudoun); they are Forces of Nature which guide you and protect you. They choose YOU, not the other way round. In many branches and expressions of Paganism, you choose to work with those gods, goddesses, deities, spirits, etc. that resonate with you in some way. In Palo, it is very different. These Elemental Forces (Nkisis) are very different in the way that they interact with us, and with initiates, and our relatioships are different, even though these Forces sound similar to those orichas in Santería and lwas in Voudoun.

You develop a relationship with the Nkisi (spirit/Elemental Force) who owns your head, and you deepen this with your appropriate offerings and prayers as part of your bidirectional communication.

You also develop a deep relationship with your personal ancestors - those people you love who have died - and the larger community of los Muertos, all the Dead who have gone on before. I've found that the relationship between oneself and one's dead are the largest part of Palo. For nearly anything, any question, any remedy, my Padrino will say first, "Talk to your Dead!" It is a daily practice. A bit like Samhain for Pagans and Wiccans. But for us, it is a daily practice, not a yearly holy day.

Some people might look at this as morose, but I've found it deeply enriching and liberating. I love my dead, and feel closer to my ancestors - very healing.

We work with Nature rather than against It. We have free will, but... so does Nature.

Palo does get a bad rap, as the 'negative side of Santería'. Actually, this is perpetuated by people who know pretty much nothing about our spirituality. Santería or Ifa, and the Reglas of Palo are different religions altogether. Yes, some santeros will make an initiation in Palo as part of their particular pathway. Not knocking Santería by any means, but this makes about as much sense to us Paleras/os as hearing that a Christian has been baptized and is going to make their Confirmation -- but first has to make a bar- or bat-mitzvah. Ummm, a foray into another religion, that is related in some ways, but not all. So, you can see our confusion.

Anyway, there are initiations one makes. These are deeply spiritual, emotional experiences that bind us, to our dead, to our nkisis, and to each other. An important one requires being cut, or 'rayada' - literally, scratched. Umm, you get cut or scratched depending on the initiation. The word means 'scratched', but yes, you can be cut. So, when one is 'rayada', there is no more cutting the skin after that. Oh, you can have emergency surgery, but not elective. No plastic surgery in my future. And no tattoos or piercings.

So, I do have ritual scarification. It's not flashy, but it's there, for me, not the world. I've found that most practitioners are very quiet people, literally. usually soft-spoken folks. Somewhere in life, they have been through an ordeal. We tend to be more introverted and meditative. Many of us work with the dead, the very, very ill, or those who have been through tragedy, in some way. It's not an employment requirement - we all just notice this trend. I've mostly met water signs.... Camcers and Scorpios mainly, and a few Taureans. It's a very watery, cool, quietly meditative pathway. It's not for everyone. But if it calls you, you find your way.

Belief in a Supreme Being isn't necessary, as in Buddhism. You do walk a particular pathway, as in Buddhism. It's a positive pathway.... no matter what B movies you might see this Halloween!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NGANGULEROSOY 4/19/2012 3:15AM

    Thank you TURQUOISELOTUS for this statement.
I am a Palero myself.
I'm Guindavela Palo Mayombe.

It's great to see/read how you fomulated your explanation of Palo.

Kudos to you.

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EUPHRATES 10/26/2010 1:36AM

    Neat - I love learning about people's practices and finding out new things! Thank you!

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LADYBUG0805 10/25/2010 10:04PM

    Thanks for sharing this info. It's very interesting.

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CARRAND 10/25/2010 8:10PM

    Very interesting. This is something I was not at all familiar with. I'm glad you shared.

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50 Random Things, copied from... lots of people

Saturday, October 23, 2010

I filled one out ages ago, but Life keeps changing, and I read a few on my friend feed, and thought, "Why not?"

1. What time did you get up this morning? Morning?? What's morning? Noon.

2. How do you like your steak? I don't like steak, so I'll pass...and thought of eating the vahana of Siva makes me sad...

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Withnail and I... old movie, great strange little cinema overseas

4. What is your favorite TV show? I don't have a tv, but when I had access to an elliptical that did have one, it was... NCIS

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? London, UK

6. What did you have for breakfast? oatmeal, flax seeds and blueberries. Every day.

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Thai, Indian and Indonesian.. can't decide

8. What foods do you dislike? okra... and red meat... well, pretty much most meat, except fish flesh, which makes me feel like a carnivore, but there you have it

9. Favorite Place to Eat? S & M Café - where else would you go after a collaring ceremony? Tofu sausages to die for

10. Favorite dressing? Sesame ginger

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? A 1996 Saturn - it still runs just fine

12. What are your favorite clothes? Anything in PVC vinyl... or velvet. I am wearing velvet leggings and a PVC bodice at the moment

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? It may have differing amounts of water, but there's always oxygen, nitrogen and carbon molecules, so it's always... Full.

15. Where would you want to retire? I'm not retiring. I decided that when I was 6 years old, and the economy has made sure my wish came true. Plus, I always love what I do.

16. Favorite time of day? Whenever it is night.

17. Where were you born? In a city in Massachusetts, where I lived for a whole week, before I was transported to a tiny town in deep northwestern Maine... so I usually just say 'Maine' to make things easy.

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Baseball, though I haven't had time to watch it lately

19. How many siblings? legally, 2, supposedly.. They've been gone for a very long time. Ahhh, the joy of dysfunctional family.

20. Favorite pastime/hobby? Reading, whipping, writing, whipping, performing my work live, whipping, hiking, whipping, and some flogging

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? Everyone

22. Bird watcher? For nearly all my life. Yes, I've seen Jimi Hendrix' parrots, and lived with toucans in Venezuela.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Night. I know that's hard to believe.

24. Do you have any pets? I live with a cat whom I adore, but I wouldn't call Her a pet. And you mustn't either. As we all know, Cats own Us :-)

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? Let's see... I am getting A's in all my classes (hard work does pay off), my newer slave looks like Dolph Lundgren and I can climb him like a jungle gym, my newest slave acquired a horse farm in upstate NY, and... oh, I made the jump into polyamory :-)

26. What did you want to be when you were little? Morticia Addams or Lily Munster. I did. Then I grew up, graduated with a degree in Folklore & Mythology before it was trendy, and owned an occult store. I sold it when I got married and moved to Caracas.. what was I thinking? I also wanted to be a teacher, a scientist, and a writer. The schedule was all mapped - I'd teach in the morning, go to the lab in my home in the afternoon (I had a great imagination), and write in the evening. Guess what I do now?!? That little 6 year old was wise, very wise....

27. What is your best childhood memory? Kayaking with my dad, who was my absolute best friend! :-))) Miss you tons, Dad! Hug Angus, Blackie, Betsy, Pugsley, and Thinge for me!

28. Are you a cat or dog person? CAT!!!!!!! I know that's hard to imagine. I grew up with cats, and have shared a home with at least one my entire life. Venus is the Cat I serve (for the past 15 years)... I bow to no one but Her. She taught Me everything I need to know about Domination. I've been known to ask how people cope with Life without a Cat. No one has the answer....

29. Are you married? Not legally. I've been married, though, and liked it. I'm just not into the Home Ec krappe. I like having a stable though. I like it a lot.

30. Always wear your seat belt? Always

31. Been in a car accident? Yes, been rear-ended - and not in a fun way - by fools who just had to run that red light to gain that whole extra 10 feet.

32. Any pet peeves? Ahhh, yes. Stupidity. Energy vampires who run hot and cold, expect you to be there for them night and day, and are not there for you, who love you yet hate you, revere you yet degrade you, are jealous, clingy and demanding. Have you met one of these? Me, too. Closed-minded, judgmental folks, which often includes the subset of energy vampires. And gum-chewing.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Onions, carmelized onions, scallions.

34. Favorite Flower? Mmm, too many to name... but I'll try. Purple roses ( my slave knows why). Irises and cyclamen plants... and pipsissewas, because they remind me of childhood and Dad.

35. Favorite ice cream? I like frozen yogurt... peach, or chocolate-with-edible- objects-in-it.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? Hmmm... not much into fast food...

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? None.

38. From whom did you get your last email? slave simon

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Honour of London. No question. I could live in Honour of London. I wouldn't need to eat. Really.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately? Let a man I'd never met fly me to NYC... hmmm, he might make a good slave. . Sophie Tucker was right. Do you know her most fanous quote? *winks*

41. Like your job? YES!! And... due to my ex-job, I have the wonderful job of being a full-time student. And part-time Dominatrix. Both of which professions I adore. Naughty nurse by day, naughtier Nurse by night. Due to My very personal slave(s), I've had less time for the professional dominant arts. But I do have time for acadame. they knew that going in.

42. Broccoli? Yes, thank you, I'll have more.

43. What was your favorite vacation? Every trip to London :-) My favourites have been ones during which performed.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? Thierry

45. What are you listening to right now? The music of Venus purring and the breathing of slave adonis under My feet.

46. What is your favorite color? Black, with purple and turquoise as a very close tie.

47. How many tattoos do you have? None. I was rayada en Palo Mayombe many years ago. No cutting the skin after that. But I have beautiful ritual scarification from my initiation.

48. How many people will fill this out? No idea, but it will be fun to read and learn about my friends.

49. What time did you finish this quiz? 3:10 PM EDT

50. Coffee Drinker? No. gastritis. ouch.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHICKYMOMMAOF2 11/29/2010 8:29AM

    I love reading these..

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TEENY_BIKINI 11/11/2010 1:33PM

    Favorite hobby?


LOL. You better go girl.


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CARRAND 10/23/2010 8:22PM


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DARKSTAR8 10/23/2010 5:17PM

    Yes, please, can I haz 2?

Fascinating creature, is you! Share more, pretty please.

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LITTLE_QUEEN 10/23/2010 4:13PM

    I especially loved your answer to #1, I am NOT a morning person, and usually up into the wee hours of morning, I am also a cat person, currently have 2 and I love them,
I filled out one of these a couple of blogs ago, yours is much more interesting, You live your life and I love reading about it.

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EUPHRATES 10/23/2010 3:30PM

    I can haz explanation of "rayada en Palo Mayombe" please?

And I can recommend a great poly message board and other books and resources if you'd like. :)

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Handsome, rich men need love, too

Sunday, October 17, 2010

I'm sitting here, basking in the after-glow of what was supposed to be a healing... fling.

Except neither Me, nor the Adonis who is busy cancelling appointments in NYC right now, so he can stay on here, are fling material.

I didn't factor that in.

I was just lookin' for a boy toy, a fun way to burn some calories ...OK, pounds... I put on after eating chips for tne first time in over a year. Often referred to as "break-up binging'. Which I haven't done much of at all in the past 3 years. Throw in that I was losing my life partner, and... it was rough. I couldn't stop crying.

But, I think my new friend LIFEANDALL nailed it. Some... OK, most...men are easily intimidated by a healthy, attractive woman. Factor is some serious accomplishments, and... she's terrifying. It sounds all wrong, but maybe such a lady respresents a mountain of work to keep up with.

(I'm really not. I'm very easy-going. Men are always surprised by that. Very strange.)

I had found a fabulous man who I still believe is the mate of my soul. W/we've had an amazing relationship, and continue to have an emotional and spiritual bond, he made Me realise that there's hope and love in store for Women, post-rape, no matter what the rape has done to Her body, or brain. he made Me believe in hope for unusual Ladies Who believe in (and have to have) connection with someone at all levels... not just physical, vanilla, D/s, but who believe in an emotional, intellectual and spiritual level as well.

For all that, I am grateful. I learned a lot, and expanded my concept of love. How can I stop loving a person I have once loved? If I do, it cheapens the bond. If I loved someone, there must have been something good about them.

Fast forward to meeting the 6'4" blond, blue-eyed body-builder. Mmmm, mmmm.

No, I'm not putting up pictures... yet. Earth girls may be easy, but we have some grace.

It never, ever occurred to me, till LIFEANDALL wrote it, that men may be frightened by a healthy-weight attractive woman. I mean, don't men have it all? What could they fear, if they make all the rules? Don't they get to pick and choose in this society? Unless you are a Lady with an... 'alternate' .... sexuality and political worldview. But still, even We alternative Ladies live in the world-at-large,too, not in a vacuum.

So, I got to thinking that if I am a bit 'frightening', then maybe I should start hanging out with men who are not frightened of Me.

(Well, not at first... and only by mutual consent. I have morals. *wink*)

I learned that handsome men have a similar problem. Ohhhhh, to have these problems, I hear you saying! Hey, they are still problems if you get hurt.

This particular gorgeous specimen found Me attractive (OK, 'hot' in his words - but I'll take 'em!) and interesting. And unique. And non-judgmental.

he told me that in O/our lifetsyle, he is often overlooked. Women assume he is just some dumb jock who wandered into the wrong place. They would rather have the 'emo boy'. He wants to say, "Nooo. emo boy will just use you, and play his terrible guitar while you support him, as he makes more demands... Pick me, Pick me!" But he doesn't, because that is contrary to who he is. Apparently, folks assume he couldn't possibly be A) smart enough to know about the lifestyle, or B) deep into it and NOT the role his height, form and looks would make one think.

he was blown away that I approached him and treated him with respect and dignity. And... erm.... isn't that what W/we all want??

Yes, he's physically gorgeous, but he's also smart and sweet....and been around the block enough times to know that it's not easy to find Ladies like Me. Best of all, he knows what it is like to be overlooked because of 'assumptions' by other people, as opposed to his actions or intrinsic value as a human.

(I wish the heck this SP thang had underlining capabilities! Or I could write assumptions in magenta...)

Soooo.... I'm taking a little vacay. I'm gonna enjoy My present. I'm learning that wealthy handsome men are intimidating to (most) women. But they are human beings, and need love too. And recognition for who they are as people.

Is it a fling... or a start of something beautiful?

Who cares? he's making dinner.

All I know is that the poor,ugly men out there, who keep groaning about 'women', wanting shallow things and vain men have it all wrong. Some ladies DO give them chances. In fact, chance after chance after... and We just want to be appreciated. But ... if they can't appreciate us, then we'll go for the other 'outliers'. The ones who aren't afraid of us and like us just as we are, the ones who have no desire for us to stunt our own growth or hide our Light.

If that means a handsome, wealthy mover and shaker, well, them's the breaks.

We all, all of us, want to be appreciated for our own unique selves. The people on all parts of the spectrum. The folks with some extra punds, and the folks without. Those with extra income, and those who have hardly enough.

The folks whom society calls "pretty" or "handsome", and those whom society calls "alternative". Well, *I* say "alternative"... society says something else.

Well, dinner's ready. I may be off the boards for a bit. I do deserve a vacay, according to my horoscope.

Be well, Spark Friends, and never judge a book by its cover... even if it's a really pretty cover!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CIVIAV 11/27/2010 10:39AM

    How lovely!
While this isn't quite the picture I get at least you know I like the idea of this intimacy!

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BATTY30 10/21/2010 3:37PM

    So glad you found someone to spend time with. Enjoy your toy to the max you deserve it.

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PODUNKPAUL 10/21/2010 12:04PM

    I'm glad you found not all men have fear of women like you. There are some "grown up" men out there who can treat a lady right!

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JENNYBETHIN 10/20/2010 12:53PM

    Sounds good to me! If he's got a nice brother let me know! ;)

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WRWW13 10/19/2010 4:53PM

    Yes enjoy your toy!!!! Where can I get one - LOL. So glad that U have found someone worthy of your attention - Enjoy, Enjoy, Enjoy, sending lots of lacy deep red velvet huggss!!!!!

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M0PPET 10/18/2010 11:17PM

    Wow. I stay away for afew days and I miss all kinds of drama all over the site! I just read the blog right before this one and I'm really sorry that things didn't work out with your guy. I was going to console you and try to ad some insite as to the fact that when these men picked "frumpy" you they were attracted to the idea that they had a hot mama in disguise.. But once you started shedding your shell they didn't have the confidence to think they could hold onto you in all your glory... And so, to protect their own egos and their own insecurities, they dump you first. Silly boys! BUT THENNN I reag this blog and I am happy and giddy for you! You already figured it out. Go you! You are awesome. emoticon

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CARRAND 10/17/2010 8:47PM

    Enjoy. But check back in once in a while so we know what's going on.

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EUPHRATES 10/17/2010 7:34PM


Ya never know...could be a "lifelong fling"



Comment edited on: 10/17/2010 7:51:46 PM

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ROOTIHAUSMAN 10/17/2010 6:37PM

    Enjoy your self!

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A vent... and looking for hope

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I've been in a depression cycle of late. I'm coping, but I do struggle with the disease.

Yes, I have reached my goal. For all those tremendously curious people, who are wondering about the numbers ( and....hmm, why do we love numbers so much? And other people's bidness? Hmm, a puzzle indeed), and my 'unstated goals', well, here are the stats for ya.

I am 5' 9" and weigh 155 lbs now.

I am in the healthy BMI Zone!

I can think of a lot of SP people that would jump up and down over that!

Heck, I can think of loads of people out there in the world ( yup, there's a world out there beyond the compter. I like to go there. Spend most of my time there.) I think they'd jump up and down over that.

After reaching my goal, I decided to set another one. Thought I'd try to lose another 15. Ummm, reconsidering. Do I really need to be 140?? I'm 2 inches shorter than Liv Tyler, and I'm not gonna be in any movies anytime soon. Hey, if I make it deeper into the Zone, awesome. If I maintain, awesome.

Just going through a serious funk, as there are now loads of relationship issues. Unlike a lot of women here, I found that being 5'9" and 130 lbs in college and my 20s wasn't so much fun. Oh women/girls admred that, and some were catty and jealous. And men liked to LOOK, but it seemed that I was always: The Vacation From The Girlfriend. Never 'good enough' to be The Girlfriend.

Oh, I was told I was lovely, kind, intelligent, non-judgmental..what they'd always wanted.... hey, occasionally even pretty! But ... they always wanted to return to the ex, or the current GF, of whom I'd had no inkling, or there would have been no gracing them with My Womanhood, LOL!

What the....?

I didn't understand it then, and I don't understand it now.

Then, by my 30s, I just...... gave up. Being pretty, healthy. kind, intelligent and all that was 'all wrong'. So, since I was doing everything wrong, might as well try the opposite, right? Eat! And ohhhh, I ate Myself into oblivion. I felt better, because I was deadening the pain. And hey, if all those other attributes weren't enough, and neither was slimness, then why not experiment? Eat... and see what happens.

Oh, and I should mention, I am a Clairol Indian. I regularly stripped My hair and tried other colours. Blonde, red, brown, colours of the rainbow. Aqua was a favourite! So, while I was eating, I dyed it "Frump Dumpy Brown".

And surprise of surprises, I met a man who loved me for me! How strange!! I enjoyed cooking, being the breadwinner, the whole bit. We got married, and we were going to live happily ever after. Because hey, now I weighed 202, and had Frumpy Brown hair. I finally figured out The Secret. Wayyyyy before Rhonda Byrbe, LOL!

Then, I made a terrible mistake. I got... happy! I really liked being married. I loved being introduced proudly as a Wife. I remember the first time I was introduced that way, I almost cried. I almost fainted the first time I was introduced as The Girlfriend, but that is another blog!

So, I was happy. Lovin' my life. And guess what? I started losing weight! Yup, I was cooking, in charge of the vegetables, back to walking, back to enjoying my life. I didn't need food to stave off the pain, because... I didn't have any.

I got back real close to my college weight.

He left me for a short, chubby, redhead. Who was Being-In-Total-Control-of-Herself-y. What the....????

Needless to say, I went back to my old habits. B.F. Skinner was right. I hate admitting that, but hey, he was pretty smart. I ate my way all the way up to 225 lbs. That is still a lot even on a 5' 9" frame... and even with linebacker shoulders!

Lotsa pain gone, but felt frumpy and dumpy even without the brown hair, LOL! It wasn't.... Me.

More stuff than I care to write here, but .... I took My body back! It's Mine, I like how it looks, and I worked harrrrrd to lose those 70 lbs! I can't even pick up those 40 lbs of dogfood in each hand to see what it was like carrying all that around.

So, I am healthy, sweet-tempered, still intelligent. Didn't lose any mass from My brain. Finally found a man whom I thought would overlook My 'lookin' good' and feeling good, and...now all sorts of things are amok.

I just don't get it. I am having: What the...? Syndrome.

Oh yeah, I grew up with Wimmin's Liberation. I heard Gloria Steinhem. A Woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

But, it still hurts.

I know I'll hear "You did it for you", "You don't need a man", "You are a strong women", etc. All that good stuff.
Well, ya know what? Strong Women have feelings too, and Mine are hurting. A lot!

(Note: Beware the Strong Woman who has a single-tail whip and knows how to use it!!!! LOL!)

These are silly petty problems, compared with what I coped with 8 years ago, and following. Those were health issues of fatality-magnitude. What I have now? These are the problems I dreamed of!

But... it still hurts. I am uber-tempted to just eat myself back into oblivion. Bread, pasta, chocolate = nodding. It's my drug of choice, after all.

Just needed to vent. I'd like to hear from the OTHER side. The women who found men who loved them EVEN though they were at a healthy weight, feeling good, and looking good. I hear it happens. Can you give Me some hope???

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DARKFLAME2009 11/26/2010 9:29PM

    I AM 155 and 5'9ish"

I want to lose 10 lbs for good measure, and to make me feel better...but KNOWING i'm within my BMI (by little mind you) makes me feel good :-D

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 10/17/2010 6:59AM

    I don't have a story of hope, but I do want to say you are alright on your own. Your feelings may be hurting, but it's better to be alone and lonely than with someone and lonely. I remember asking my therapist after my ex-husband left me "What the hell is wrong with me that I would want to be with someone that doesn't love me for who I am?" It's been nearly 3 years now, and I am much happier without him than with. Your time will come too, but it's a process. Check out the book "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends"... only thing that helped me rebuild. Hugs.

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TEENY_BIKINI 10/17/2010 3:03AM

    I am so sorry, boo. You sure know how to write to the heart of a matter. You are just so awesome - anyone can see that [even in cyberspace]. I sure hope you are feeling better soon.

I just want to hug ya. Stay beautiful.


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TIPYRAIN 10/15/2010 3:01AM

    OK! Geez Where to start? LOL! I met my D.H. when I was 19, he was 34. We worked 2gether. I was a bartender, he a musician. I was coming out of a year long, VERY SERIOUS relationship. My 1st as a single woman on her own. I drank too much and was a HUGE COMPLETE MESS!!! I cried on his shoulder, my now D.H.'s & he was there for me w/o wanting or expecting anything in return. I was 5'4" * about 90 lbs.!!! BUT, OH SO UNHAPPY!!! FFW: we will celebrate 21 yrs. next year as H &W! He has seen me go from those 90 little pounds to a whopping 194 AND NEVER SAID A WORD! Actually, I think he likes me better heavy. When I lost the obnoxious extra weight & got to about 155 I could get dressed quickly cuz everything fit. Well, it wasn't uncomfortable. That he commented on. Now I'm 131 and still 5'4". His only concern is that I'm happy and healthy.

You mentioned college! I was talking to my BFF the other day and I had to excuse what I was about to say but I'm always honest. I told her If I had known I was such a hottie as a teen I would have been a huge B**** with a pierced everything and skimpy clothes!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!! I was athletic but a slim 112. I tend to gain weight when I'm happy so I have to balance that way. Like everything else I do that backward too! LOL! I'm sorry but looking back to then I was perfect. Back in the '80's people were smaller in general. I think so anyway. But there were plenty of girls who were much heavier than me and nearly as pretty. I had naturally platinum hair down passed my waist, a perfect complexion ALL the time& I was sweet and kind. AND YA KNOW WHAT???? I never had a date or many friends. I was considered a nerd and geek! So you tell me. Even now I'm an outcast in a group of people I have known for years. I'm always on the outside looking in. I'm not much to look at now but the people I'm talking about are no prizes either! I really got my feelings hurt just a couple of weeks ago cuz of this. I'm still nice and fun to be with. I don't smell or anything! LOL! So I guess it's all luck of the draw! Like how come I can't be a mom and every crack head and junkie has more kids than she can name. Life isn't fair we all have our crosses to bare and do the best we can. The important thing is to connect and talk about it so we don't feel alone. Cuz we're not. I hope you get something good out of all this!!! I hear stories like yours and feel bad cuz My D.H. is the best! Don't miss understand though! HE DRIVES ME NUTS MOST OF THE TIME! LOL! But he loves me and only me and always will!!! I bet that on my doggies life! And I NEVER do that. AND the fact that he's here to drive me nuts is oddly comforting! emoticon

Comment edited on: 10/15/2010 3:04:46 AM

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KJFITNESSDUDE 10/15/2010 1:59AM

    You know there's hope, you know this a sure as the sun will shine tomorrow. I don't know exactly what's going on but I wish you the best because that's what you always give to your friends.

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MISSVOLUPTUOUS 10/14/2010 10:04PM

    There's good men out there who DO love you no matter what. My husband has been with me when I was 140 pounds, he was with me when I was 210 pounds, and everywhere in between. He is proud of my accomplishments as I lose weight now and he encourages me. He has seen me at my best and at my worst and he loves me. There is DEFINITELY a man for you. Don't give up on yourself or on finding him!!

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YOGAGIRLNH 10/14/2010 9:54PM

    Been there, well, actually.... still there. My divorce became final two weeks ago, and I've lost 10 pounds in the two months that he has been gone. I am in the process of rebuilding my life, and I know that things are getting better.

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CARRAND 10/14/2010 9:06PM

    Your weight sounds perfect to me. I'm 5'8" and weigh 155, the same as you. I'm trying to lose another 5 to 10 pounds.

I weighed 125 pounds when I got married 38 years ago. My husband has stuck with me all these years as my weight went up to 220, and now that it's gone done again. I think I'm pretty lucky, actually. I married a good man at the age of 23 when I was too young to know what I was doing, and it worked out.

I'm so sorry to hear that you had a break up and are feeling depressed. You deserve better.

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EUPHRATES 10/14/2010 7:20PM

    Aw honey...

Break ups suck.
And boys (and girls) are stoopid.
Seriously - throw rocks at them.

I don't know why people do that. Never having been there (thin and healthy), I can't really speak from the other side per se, but I DO have a BF who loved me at 260, and loves me at 225 (and tells me he's proud of me when I do stuff for myself like going to the gym), so I have to believe it's possible.
You'll find someone, and in the meantime - be gentle with yourself, and be GOOD to yourself. Don't let the boneheads win by punishing YOURSELF for their stupidity, okay? You deserve better, promise.

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RYANDEJONGHE 10/14/2010 6:04PM

    Wow, you are such a great writer. Thanks for going deep on those emotions and sharing with us. It really helped me understand your pain and now I have to apologize on behalf of all us men out there.

This may sound silly, but most men are intimidated by healthy and attractive women. We think that we have to be near perfect to keep a near perfect woman. And seeing a, as you call it, a frumpy woman will give us a since of comfort. Someone that is almost a mother figure.

My only insight is to try and comfort them as much as you can. It sounds like you already did this, but I think that is what it will take. A warm smile and approachability.

I hope things piece together. I would say keep your health. That is what will keep you strong to deal with us crazy men.

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_CYNDY55_ 10/14/2010 5:34PM

    Hi Lillith...I Was Very Independent For Many Years...And Had My Two Sons Before I Did Get Married, When I Was 32 Years Old...For The First Time! And Now Have Been Married For 23 Years. I Asked My Husband To Marry Me...It Took Him 3 Years To Say ~~Yes~~*!* So Go Get Him...You Will Find The Right Man For You!!!!! We All Have Our Flaws...And All Have Our Inner Beauty And Beautiful Selves..... emoticon.....{{{((HuGG}}})).....One Thing To Add...I Had Work Boots On My Feet And Levi's On, With A Hard Hat In My Hand When I Met Him......All The emoticonTo ~~You~~*!*

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YAMINOKODOMO 10/14/2010 4:24PM

    I am sorry you are going through the "what the...?" funk. I have been there too, I was just like you, the pretty one who was sweet and cool but never really gf material, it sucked and it hurt but you will find that someone who likes the new you AND everything else that comes with the package.

You have definitely come a long way, and yes I am going to say it, you ARE a strong woman and your problems arent petty because like I said since I been through that I know how it feels.

I dont think eating yourself into oblivion is the way to go BUT I do think every once in a blue we need to eat something that does make us happy, so you know what, and maybe I should be bashed over the head for saying this lol, tonight when you get home make yourself some pasta with whatever you like in it, make some garlic bread, get yourself a bottle of wine, enjoy your pasta and bread, and wine, while watching your most favoritest movie and then have yourself a piece of chocolate, whether it be candy, or a piece of cake, or a chocolate cookie, let tonight be your vent night! You vented out on your blog now just enjoy tonight with you and your comfort food! And do not get me wrong I am not encouraging you to start eating to the point where all your hard work goes out the window and you start finding yourself gaining weight again! I am just encouraging you to give yourself a feel good night every once in a blue emoticon

I hope these problems resolve cause I dont want you hurting emoticon

We are all here for you whenever you need support!

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TURQUOISELOTUS 10/14/2010 3:49PM

    Thanks Sue! I am glad to hear the hope! I'm going thru a tough break-up, and it hurts. Ugh!

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BATTY30 10/14/2010 3:47PM

    Lilith your not alone in this situation. I luckily found my current husband 16 years ago. He has loved and supported me through heavy times and light. Both of us are on Spark so its a big help. We lived together for 14 years before we got married just to be sure. Your beautiful and I know there is a special some one out there for you. emoticon emoticon

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TURQUOISELOTUS 10/14/2010 3:42PM

    Thanks....I'm right in the Healthy BMI Zone. 22.9. My doc is thrilled! I like the way I look. I'm totally into nursing school, but all I get are stupid sub-worms who want to play for free, or men who want to treat me like krap. Which I am distinctly not up for!

I want the man who will forgive Me for being pretty and healthy, and just deal with it, and relate to the inner Me, which is pretty rich!

Thanks, Normandy. Thanks Lori. I'm glad to hear men are able to love you even being slender! That's hope!

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FATROCKSTAR 10/14/2010 3:35PM

    I have been involved with the same man for about 15 years-we aren't married, but we see each other every day! Both of his parents had severe health problems, and his dad died 4 years ago leaving a dependent, depressed mother. He has seen me at my best, and the worst, and now I am 55 lbs lighter and better again, and he still supports me! The biggest attractant in the world is disinterest. When I busy myself with other things, I guess men being the way they are find that curious, and interesting, and I have them coming on to me even though I am clearly not interested! There is a man there for you-I know it! Don't go looking for him, because you won't find him, but rather get involved with other things and he will come looking for you! I gave that advice to my youngest daughter, who actually followed it after having pretty much the same kind of thing as you, and guess what-that special guy found her, and they got married in Mexico in May! Never say never! Normandy

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LITTLE_QUEEN 10/14/2010 3:31PM

    I personally think you have an excellent body weight, but do what you feel is comfortable, Just be healthy, You Are Woman Hear You Roar!

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