Thursday, April 29, 2010
Hoping to turn over a new leaf, slowly but surely. Bought healthy food today! I have been very tired and overwhelmed by life the last 8 months or so, and I know this will be an uphill battle, but I am dedicated to starting to make healthier choices.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I am still having a hard time making habits stick. I know I have always expected too much of myself, and unfortunately stretching myself too far is causing me to fail at even the basics, even the essentials. I don't sleep enough, I don't eat regularl or healthy meals, and I do not take care of myself emotionally. Many of my strongest supports have pulled away recently due to personal crises. Unfortunately, I don't feel that my own crisis is important. My crisis is a loss of mojo, of personal confidence.
My biggest ongoing struggle has been finding motivation, determination. I am the queen of organizing, making lists, knowing what needs to be done. But I have an impossible time actually taking action. I can be completely ready to start a project, have all the tools in front of me, and I will feel completely paralyzed with fear. I feel the wind has dropped out of my sails, and I'm not sure how to get it back. I am continually reassessing what I need to strive towards in my life, but my focus is constantly shifting. I can never stick with one goal, I feel there are too many things to do. In the end, I get spread so thin trying to do it all that I never get around to the few things that are most essential in my life. I vacillate between feeling like I am not doing enough and being frustrated that I can't accept myself as I am and sit with the present moment; being content with the little I can get done.
I'm not sure what the purpose of this blog is, other than to get these vague and troubling thoughts down. I feel I need a change. While I am happy with what life has given me and I appreciate the good I do have, I feel stagnant in my own personal growth and expect more for myself. Here's hoping for a change ...
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Last summer I was doing well. I was eating very healthy, drinking lots of water, and exercising regularly. I had never maintained such healthy habits in my life. I was even putting myself out in the dating world, and being very brave for me. Come September I was hit-four rounds of illness. I went through months of sleeping more hours than not, feeling fatigued, lack of motivation, and feeling nauseous. Numerous doctors visits told me one thing: I was healthy. But I kept getting sick. Anyone around me who sneezed caused me to crash with a severe cold.
The only thing that came up as abnormal was Vitamin D deficiency. I started thinking I was experiencing symptoms due to psychological issues. But I wasn't feeling sad or down, and I was physically healthier than I had ever been. I started using a light box regularly, got regular sleep, and started to recover. I have not been sick since December, but I am still putting things back together.
I have slowly come to realize that my life had been in chaos. Although nothing had changed for me, everyone around me was changing: two breakups, a divorce, four of my closest friends moved, another friend had a series of major surgeries, and there were many big changes within my family. Every major support I had was going through a major change or crisis. Every role I had was changing. I went from having many stable supports nearby, to having none.
Even now, I don't feel completely back to snuff. I don't know if it is medical or psychological, so I'm just taking it one day at a time and trying to do my best to take care of myself and catch up on my life.
I wish it were easier to talk about, to explain. I wish what I had experienced, what I am experiencing were as simple as a basic illness I could take a pill for. The truth is, I probably do not take very good care of myself physically or emotionally, and I am not feeling up to snuff in both ways because of it.
Growing up a divorce child, the main lesson I heard was to take care of others, and, if there's time, take care of yourself. My default is to run and push myself until I collapse, taking care of everything that needs to be done so that others are happy. This leaves little room for myself. I've felt for a long time that something in my life was missing, and that whatever that was made me incomplete. While my life is full, I have support from friends and family(though not nearly enough), a stable income, and a graduate program that keeps my intellectually stimulated--I feel simply content. I wish to be happy. I know I can get there, and I'm willing to work, I just wish it were clearer what I should be doing to get there.
I wonder if anyone else has ever been in this position: experiencing this vague feeling that, although your life is ok, you're missing out on something better. So for now, my main goal, my mantra, is this: "start small, build habits." I'll work towards being healthier, more balanced, and taking better care of myself. My supports are much smaller, and I'm still navigating all the major changes that happened last fall, but I'd like to think that my awareness of the situation is a strength. I'm not sure what the purpose of the blog is, other than to lay it all out and to ask for help. To ask for help from the Spark community, from my supports, from the fates and gods that exist, and from myself. And to realize I will have to take it one day at a time.
Monday, September 07, 2009
I have realized that over the course of this process and this summer I have started to lose sight of what is really important: taking care of myself. Sure, I am eating better than I ever have, I have lost over 20 pounds overall, and I accomplished a TON this summer with all my free time. But somewhere along the line I lost myself. I haven't been meditating. When I have free time, I ask what I should be doing, where my to do list is, and beat myself up for not getting more done. I should be allowing myself to sit back and do nothing or something "lazy" without feeling guilty. Over the last month a number of my friends have had major life traumas (mental health issues, getting sick, break ups). I have been a great friend and a strong support. But now I realize that no one is supporting ME. Not even myself. Not only that, I have become my own worst enemy, pushing myself too hard to do too much and beating myself up when I can't meet these impossible goals.
I've decided that my current goal is to try to be GOOD ENOUGH. Not the best ever, and not a superwoman. Just good enough. And to believe in myself that good enough is just fine. My focus will be on meeting my basic needs: getting enough sleep, not staying up to take care of others, eating when I need to, not when it works for other people's schedules. I am going to extend my goal date for meeting my goal weight and clear my to do list of unnecessary tasks I feel I "should" do to be a good person. I will journal before bed each night and also allow some time for myself, even if it is 15 minutes to read or to meditate. I vow to pay attention to my body and my stress level (which has been OUT OF CONTROL). I will remember why I am doing things rather than gripe about how much work I have to do: for example, I am working out to be healthy for myself and my future children. I am doing schoolwork to become trained and licensed so I have a stable job where I am giving back to the world. I will acknowledge my accomplishments and dwell on my positives. And most importantly, I will take time to BREATHE. One more time: to BREATHE. Once more to really believe it: BREATHE.
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