Sunday, June 16, 2013
Friday I put in a 30 day notice for quitting my job. I have NEVER quit a job in my life, so I am feeling like a failure at the moment. My workplace has been good to me, and I do not blame or harbor bad feelings toward any one person. My biggest reason is that I cannot physically or mentally handle the stress any more. We are a small company and we recently purchased a few other companies. This is good...it has kept us in business. But we have very little staff to deal with the huge amount of work these purchases have generated. Unless I put in overtime every week, I have no chance at keeping up. I have no problem with occasional over time, and have done it often, but this is either putting in 4-5 12 hour days a week or working normal hours during the week and then putting the extra time in on the weekend. I am already working 40 hours before adding all of this, and I just do not have the stamina to keep up. And I have dozens of priorities and goals that are receiving no attention because I cannot keep up with work. I know this may sound wimpy to those of you who work long hours to support your families. Maybe I am a wimp. But I can tell you I know I have done my best to resolve all of the issues before I came to this point. I have spoken to both of my managers about the workload and the lack of time, and they have responded by hiring a part time person to help answer phones and help me with other duties. But it has not been enough. The phones never stop ringing and often there are only a few of us in the office to answer them, leaving no time for actual work to get done. I have gained so much weight from the extra hours sitting in front of a computer, and the bad food choices I make because I have no time to prepare healthy food and little time to exercise. I have been thinking about this decision for a long time. I wanted to make sure I had done all I can to get help and make sure I am working as hard as I can and not wasting time. Also to make sure I wasn't making a mountain out of a mole hill. So after a particularly disheartening morning when I had an angry customer that was told we were making a service call, a tech that said he wouldn't go, and a manager right next to him that refused to talk to me (he knew it was me, not the customer), I had just been hit by the last straw. One of my favorite things about my job was the customer service aspect. Now my manager is out in the trenches working with the employees (not a bad thing) and I have lost multiple customers because he will not talk to them or talk to me about them to give me the tools I need to keep them. I used to be able to count on that support. It isnt often that a customer says I want to talk to your manager, but when it does happen, I know if I was the customer I would want to know that the manager cared enough to talk to me. So bottom line is the cost benefit ratio is wayyy off. The job is costing too much and the benefits are not worth it for what I am losing each day in my sanity. Monday morning my manager wants to talk to me about it. I am not looking forward to this conversation. I know it is scary to only have one person in the household working (my husband) and I know I have awesome benefits through this job, but what is the point if I am miserable?
Friday, August 31, 2012
Monday morning at 4am my husband awoke with chest pains, shortness of breath, numbness and tingling in his arm. I drove him to the emergency room where he was immediately surrounded by nurses and hooked up to machinery. I was worried, but feeling confident that we were airing on the side of caution and would be sent home. Nope. Dr. came in and said my husband was going to be sent to Petoskey as soon as they had an ambulance and that he would be getting a heart catheter. Boy were we shocked. What followed was the first heart cath with no blockages found, then that afternoon a second 'heart attack' (they are traditionally not deemed an attack unless caused by a blockage, but they look and feel the same as a heart attack). After his second attack they determined he needed a second heart cath to make sure nothing was missed the first time. Still no blockages found. It was determined that he has myocharditis, inflammation of the heart caused by a viral infection. He was sent home wednesday. I stayed with him, have been off work for a week. I caught a bad cold in the meantime. We have had lots of support from family and friends. Norris is stable right now, other than being in pain where they did the heart cath.
So above was the wakeup call. But my reaction to it has been less than stellar. First I got a bad cold why? stress... but no doubt facilitated by a week of eating nothing but crap beforehand. In my head I know what I need to do, and want to do. Eat better so I can be healthy and in a better position to enjoy life and deal with the unexpected stuff life throws at me...but what am I doing?
Sneaking twizzlers, eating cookies that were brought over, all I want to do is escape by eating crap and more crap. Which is going to just tear down my immune system and mood even more. But my desire to be healthy is not winning out over my desire to crawl under a rock with a bag of oreos and never come out again. You would think that such a scary experience would motivate me to stop messing around and take care of myself. My husband is eating healthy, and policing everything I eat, which makes me want to sneak crappy food even more. STUPID CHILDISH BEHAVIOR!!!!!!!!!!! How do I get past this and start making good decisions!????!!!
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Each day this week I exercised before work. I alternated 1.5 miles biking one day, walking another. Not a sterling exercise program, but one I know I can do consistently. My ankles and arches start to really hurt when I embark on any new exercise regime, but doing this little bit and taking the pressure off my feet on biking days really makes it doable. I have new shoes coming! The brand new support on the new pair will help.
I have kept an eye on my weight this week. At one point it appeared that I lost a half a pound. I think I gained it back with the past two days of sweets. I gave myself permission to have just one mini box of milk duds, my blood sugar spiked, and I have been feeding that sugar high ever since.
Not today though! I am going to continue with the good habits I was practicing all week.
On the down side, I feel like losing the weight is a HUGE undertaking, that I will never be able to do it. My recent experience shows me losing and then gaining it back plus 10 more. I am trying not to get discouraged and give up.
On the UP SIDE you would not BELIEVE the purpose, energy, positive mood, and clarity of thought I had all week after exercising every morning! I think I have finally found the right balance of activity. In the past I over did and felt only the negative effects of overdoing. Plus I slept better. If I can come to the same balance with my eating, I think I could sustain a healthy lifestyle on into the future, without giving up because I feel exhausted or hungry.
Perhaps there is hope?
Saturday, August 11, 2012
I got serious about weight loss and my health again. I stopped putting creamer in my coffee, at fruit instead of sugary desserts, and started eating outside of my comfort zone (baked sweet potato fries). I started incorporating fitness into my everyday routine..walking to the video store, taking a bike ride before bed instead of eating ice cream, gardening, helping my husband in his wood shop.
I only lost a pound, probably because I couldn't seem to get my calories under 2000, I am aiming for 1800 for slow and steady weight loss. I felt better.
But then I just stopped caring. And I am trying to care again. Help? right now I feel hugely bloated and unhealthy due to eating dairy queen and mcdonalds and office treats. I haven't walked or ridden my bike in days, and I am not sleeping well. I don't have any huge obstacles in my life right now, am not dealing with a fraction of the stuff many sparkers deal with on a daily basis. But I am not getting the sleep I need because I am stressed out to the max. Work has been really busy. We are a small company and chronically short staffed, but having a guy out on vaca and our part time helper move on to another job has left me scrambling. I mostly feel discouraged and overwhelmed in every area of my life. I can't begin to keep up at work right now, but I am trying to be reasonable about that. I feel like I am always at work, when in reality I have only had to put in a few hours of overtime each week. By the time I get home, I am wiped and don't care. It is like a domino effect. I walk in, see the dishes and clutter and think of all the to do's I need to do and my brain just shuts down, I get a bad attitude and go sit on the couch like a lump. I can't go on this way. There has to be a way to live a stressful life (who doesn't have stress?) and take care of my health and lose weight. A way to cope without slowly killing myself. How do I start? I am overwhelmed by the smallest of goals. I am sitting here surrounded in checkbook receipts, dishes aren't done, SO MUCH TO DO!!!.
Sharing with you all has made me feel a little lighter. I think I will get up and do something. Thank you for listening, and my apologies if I sound like an ungrateful whiney butt. I know I am fortunate to have a job, husband, house, and dishes to wash. I just feel overwhelmed right now.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
I have been putting off writing a blog for a long time.
When I started SP I was in my 150's. Overweight for my height and weighed down by bad eating habits, I was ready for a change. Years have passed, and I have NOT moved forward, I have regressed! I am now 175lbs, 5 ft 2, and not just overweight. I am now officially obese. I HAVE lost weight...multiple times. I have lost 10 pounds, felt awesome, then relaxed my eating habits and gained 15 or 20 back. I cannot continue this way...I am gaining new health problems with each pound. I await test results right now on my knee and breast. I am exhausted all of the time and am happiest on the couch, because my body is not struggling to support my weight.
I am convinced that to win this battle I need to quit sugar again. I had amazing success when I did. I dropped 10 pounds without being hungry, gained energy and better moods, clearer thinking. But then I started adding a little sugar at a time back in, and I am back to square one, feeling like I need it all the time to feel 'good' (which is actually not good..it is misery).
Has anyone else felt this way? How did you overcome it?
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