Monday, April 09, 2012
I have this leather belt, nothing really special; just a plain black leather belt. I bought it in 2008 when I was on a trip in PA to see some family. This was at a time when I refused to step on a scale; at a time when I honestly believe that I was over 300 pounds (though I've never actually seen that number on a scale). I remember my humiliation that I couldn't find a woman's belt that would fit around me, so I had to buy a man's belt.
Since then, I've taken pleasure in seeing that as time went on, I had to keep bringing it in, notch by notch, until I was on the last one. Since I've owned the belt, I've had to add three more holes. Of course, my weight has been like a yo-yo, so I've been bouncing back and forth on the notches as well over the years.
But I am proud to say that once again, I am back into the last notch on the belt. And even more proud to say that soon I will be needing to add another hole, because I couldn't quite get it tight enough yesterday.
I fully intend of keeping this belt forever; it's almost like a trophy for me. And my goal is to eventually be able to add so many new holes that the belt will literally wrap around me twice (or more!?!).
I decided to do this a long time ago as motivation for myself; although over the years, I'd put it away in a closet (hey, my scale needed something to keep it company, right?) and it wouldn't see the light of day for a long time. But the belt is back out now, and being used almost every day. My scale, on the other hand, is still lonely most of the time because I only bring it out once a month.
I've been trying to come up with different kinds of personal motivation for myself, because that seems to be what I lack most of the time. I'm not lacking in people who motivate me, but I'm talking about when I am by myself; which is a lot of the time. So the belt is back in play, and I have also decided to take "before" pictures. I should have done this back in the beginning of February, but didn't think of it. I thought of this because a week or so ago, a friend of mine said to me: "Well, you can't really tell you've lost 10 pounds, but then, it is ONLY 10 pounds." And it got me thinking that I wish I could visually tell whether there was any change or not. I think actually seeing it with my own eyes (looking in the mirror is not the same as seeing a photo for me) will be good motivation for me also.
So, I am going to throw myself out there by putting on tight shorts and a tight tank top (I have to let all those nasty bulges be seen or this will be a waste of time, right?) and I am going to have Mom take pictures at all angles so I can see for myself. And then every few months, I will put the same clothes back on and take the same pictures so I can compare. It will be interesting to see; plus I can post them on my fridge to give me even more motivation! :)
Sunday, April 08, 2012
I didn't get much sleep (about 3 hours) but that's nothing new, of course. I went over to Mom's, expecting to help her cook. She already had most of it done....I came just in time to help her finish up and, of course, do all the dishes. (She keeps telling me that's what daughters are for, but Hmmm.....I wonder) lol
It was a small event, being as how all of our family is scattered over the states. But her boyfriend's family popped in here and there later in the day.
I am proud to say that there was *AWESOME* food, and yes, I did partake in everything that was made, but I am also proud to say that I ate normal helpings, and I didn't go back for seconds. I kept myself in check amongst the glorious food.
We even made an angel food cake, cut the top off of it, scooped out a "trough" and put chocolate chip ice cream in it, replaced the top and then smothered it in whipped cream and decorated it with Peeps. It was a cute holiday cake. Did I eat some? OF COURSE! But only one small piece! It was so very good...I don't get sweets very often... and I did want to go back to get another piece, but I resisted and I won that battle! My Mom, however, had 3 pieces and admitted that she wanted to get a fourth, but refrained. Of course, my Mom is about as skinny as they come......too bad I didn't get her genes!!
But overall, it was an awesome day! I got to be with my Mom (which is always awesome!), and I had good food with NO GUILT because I had the willpower to control myself. I can't even explain how proud that makes me, considering my never-ending battle with food!
The only downer of the day was when Mom handed me the pictures she'd had developed from Christmas and our trip to the beach in February. Looking at those pictures was a downer for me, because no matter how many times I see pictures of myself, I just can't believe how BIG I am! And truth be told, I don't feel that big, so seeing pictures that prove it tend to make me depressed. However, I raised my chin high and didn't let it spoil my wonderful holiday, because I knew that even though I may look like that NOW....I am still on my way to becoming a better and skinnier me!
Saturday, April 07, 2012
Have been fighting with my truck for almost a year now. The minute I knew something was wrong, I took it to be looked at. The mechanic was like "Oh, I know exactly what it is!" $50 dollars and 1 hour later, I left and it was running like a dream.....for exactly two days. It was about a week before I could take it back, and when I did, I once again got the phrase that he knew exactly what it was. Apparently the bolts and brackets holding my engine down and in were all broken, except for one. So, $250 dollars and 6 hours later, it once again ran like a dream, and I just KNEW that it was finally fixed!......
Well, so much for that glorious hope.
After about a week, there it was acting up again, and worse this time. So I gritted my teeth, and two weeks later, took it back. That time it was supposedly my drive shaft that was broken. A big fix. So almost $500 dollars and a WEEK later, I got my truck back and needless to say, I was about to ready to light my truck on fire as well as give that mechanic a HUGE piece of my mind when less than a week later, it was like I hadn't done a dang thing to fix the truck!
So about a month later, I took it to get a diagnostics test and $115 dollars and 2 hours later, all they could tell me was that it was "running rich", but said that they would visually look at it, if I wanted to pay them over $1000. HA! Nope.
So when I could, I took it the actual Chevy dealership to get another diagnostics, and another $100 and over 5 hours later (with an APPOINTMENT at 1:30pm...we got out of there after 6 pm) they handed me two pages of parts and prices. Over $5000! WHAT!?!
I almost screamed out loud, for real. I couldn't believe it. I had spent all that money for.....NOTHING!
I couldn't explain what I felt at that moment.....I wanted to scream, cuss, cry.......and I gave up. I was like.....not one more cent is going into this truck! I had bought it in 2008 for about $5,200 and I sure wasn't going to pay that much out again for the same vehicle. So my final decision was: I'm going to drive it until it just quits. It will be cheaper to have it towed when that time comes. lol
And surprisingly, it has hung on a very long time. It's gotten a lot worse, of course....the AC has quit, and there's something electrical going on that makes it not start sometimes, but I manage to get it started every time it does this, and even though it keeps getting worse, it's shocked me how long it's hung on. Now it's become a huge curiosity of mine to see how much longer it will continue to run. Because it's been over 6 months since all that happened that I talked about above, and I figured it would have died after a few weeks.
But the good thing is: I am going to Tennessee in a little over a week to get my Grandparents' van so I can have reliable transportation and not have to worry about getting stranded and have to be towed. This is a huge weight off of my shoulders, because every time I get in the truck, I am praying it's not the day that I can't get it started again; or worrying that it will quit as I'm driving down the road.
But I've also decided to keep the truck and work on it myself to see if I can get it running, or at least running decent enough to sell it for a little bit of money. Also have a friend or two that can help me out if I need it.
Let me tell you, after this, I really wish that I had went to school for mechanics like I wanted to while I was in high school! (To a tech school) But unfortunately, my Aunt (who I was living with at that time) wouldn't let me....she said it wasn't a "GIRL" profession and made me take the opposite: Cosmetology. Still get upset that she didn't let me do what I wanted to do; all because it didn't fit in with her idea of what a woman's "job" should be.
Friday, April 06, 2012
My friend Leon has been telling me for a long time that he wanted to move down here, but I just kind of shrugged it off because it was all talk. He's been talking about it for almost two years, so every time he mentioned it, I was just like "that would be great!" and left it at that. I didn't want to get my hopes up, because we live a long ways apart, though I've wanted to meet him from the first time we talked.
But starting in November of last year, he began talking about it more, and I knew he was being more serious about it, but still, I didn't think much of it. Then he calls me in February and tells me that he IS moving down here. I laughed and was like "yeah right". He shut me up quick by saying that he had already talked to his friends and family and let them know, and he had also talked to his job about a transfer down here and that all he needed was to save some money and that he was hoping to make it down by June. I was shocked speechless, and that made him laugh then.
A lot has been going through my head since then, needless to say. Over the past years, all I could think of was how much I wanted to finally meet him, but then I would get nervous because I wondered if he would not like me anymore because of my weight. This was before I actually let him see me; I wouldn't send him any pictures of my body, just head and shoulders. He couldn't go on Facebook to see any pictures of me either, because I didn't have any pictures that showed my body. And after a while, I realized how unfair it was that I wouldn't let him see the "real" me, and also that I was being seriously unfair to him by assuming that he would stop talking to me all because of my weight. So I began talking to him about my weight and how I felt, and that was when I realized how supportive he was to me. He understood, but took the time and effort to reassure me that he wouldn't stop talking to me over something so silly as weight; that it was ME that he liked. And I can still remember the first picture I sent him that showed my body, and how nervous I was. And when he wrote back telling me how beautiful I was, it was like a weight was lifted off of me. He accepted me the exact way I was! So I was no longer scared to post pictures on Facebook showing the real me. But every time I thought about meeting him, I still got nervous that if he ever met me in person, it would change how he felt about me. Irrational, I know, but there it is.
And then when he hit me with the fact that he would be meeting me in person in only a few months, I freaked out at first. I was like: I haven't lost enough weight....I'm not ready to meet him because of it.....slowly but surely, I have come to the realization that he knows exactly what I look like....he's seen all the pictures I absolutely HATE of myself (which, let's face it, is almost 98% of every picture I am in) and he never once turned away from me. He's been there through so many horrible things in my life; he's "seen" me at my absolute worst and has been there to talk me through it all. He's not the kind of man who judges on looks/weight, he looks at what is on the inside of person.
So I am happy to say that I am no longer freaking out about him coming here in June, I am looking forward to it! I'm sure I will still be nervous because that's just me (and I have been waiting so long for this!!!!) but it will be a good day.
Nothing is going to change: I am still going to try my very best to lose as much weight as possible, but I will be doing that even after he gets down here. But now, I'm curious how much weight I can lose between now and when he does get here. So this is turning into very good motivation for me, too. But it's nice knowing that it doesn't matter if I lose 20 pounds more between now and then, or if I don't lose a single pound.....I know it won't matter to him! It's been very RARE in my life for people to accept me 100% based solely on who I am and it's a beautiful thing.
Thursday, April 05, 2012
Wanted to take my blog today to express my gratitude to the (people) motivators in my life. First and foremost, my Mother. She has been so supportive through all of my up and downs, and lets me know she is proud of me in whatever I do. She got me to stop biting my fingernails (she HATED that habit of mine, that I had most of my life) last August, and now she has been a big part of my journey to lose weight. When I had a bad month, she was there saying not to give up; that no one is perfect, and that I am allowed to have days where I splurge on pizza and whatnot; as long as I don't indulge every single day. She told me how proud she is of me that I have lost weight every month. She knows just what to say, and she's not overbearing and is never negative. I know she worries about me and my health, but she sees that I am doing my best and instead of riding me constantly, she lets me know that she's there in the background, ready to spring forward when I am struggling. I don't know what I'd do without her. God blessed me with a beautiful and wonderful Mother and I thank Him for that!
Second is my friend Leon. We met on Facebook, at a time in my life that I was completely broken: in November 2009, right after I lost my soul-mate Bill. He was serving in Iraq at the time, and we became fast friends. There was a connection and it's still there today; almost two and half years later. I would send him pictures, but only of my face; much like all the pictures I have on here. No full body pictures. I didn't even put any full body pictures on FB either; because I was too ashamed of my body. People couldn't tell how fat I am if there were only pictures of my face or from the neck up. I slowly got past that; and it had a lot to do with Leon. When I finally let him see a real picture of me, he told me how beautiful I was and how I had no reason to hate my body. He is constantly telling me that I should love myself no matter what. He also reminds me that I am a beautiful person inside and out, and that I should be proud of myself.
And along with Mom and his support, I have made some major changes. I'm definitely not proud of my body, and I still don't like my body, but I have decided that I am no longer going to hide myself away. I didn't wear the clothes I wanted to, because I thought I looked too bad in them, etc. I would wear jeans and a t-shirt when it was 105 degrees because I didn't want anyone to see my legs/arms in shorts and a sleeveless shirt. I didn't go swimming because me in a bathing suit.....OH NO! It was even to the point where I wouldn't even meet someone's eyes, I'd be forever looking down at the ground. Now I don't care; I wear what I am comfortable in and if someone doesn't like it, then they don't have to look. I don't dress inappropriately, and it's nobody's business but mine anyway what clothes I wear. I swim a lot more, and although I have to admit that I still get that twinge of nervousness in my stomach whenever I step out of my bathing suit cover, I am proud of the fact that after that moment of weakness, I lift my chin and go on. And me looking at the ground like a hurt puppy....those days are over! I keep my chin lifted all the time now!!!!
There is also Erin, one of my besties who is in Ohio. She is very supportive too and likes to tell me that I look like I'm not a day over 25. (She's 25 and I'm 31) Then there's Diann and Tony. Both of them help me in the emotional part; but it's usually with them that I sway away from my healthy eating and such temporarily. So for "food support"...not so much, but emotional support means so much more to me than the rest. It helps me most knowing I have wonderful, supportive people in my life! And God has truly blessed me with some of the most awesome people a person could have in their life!!!
I have made many changes in the past few months, and all of them were for the good. I may not be where I want to be at yet concerning my weight, but I will get there eventually, and I will be proud of myself every step of the way; and I will try to not take any slip-ups I have effect me too harshly. This has definitely been a road of discovery for me in so many ways.
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