Saturday, October 31, 2009
OK Dokey, Dukey...This was supposed to be my most disasterous week weight/eating-wise ever. I mean, like, ever ever (not just plain ol' garden variety ever(*1)). I binged pretty much up until about 1:00 yesterday. I had two days less than 3500 calories this week. Definitely wasn't waiting for any Spark attaboys from Chris (a.k.a. Spark Guy).
I toyed with the idea of not weighing myself. I poked at it, tickled it, and lightly batted it like a cat does an insect. Heck I even looked at it with a goofy countenance while covering and uncovering my face saying "Where'd he go?" and "There he is" (*2)
But, alas, I figured "why not?". I haven't beaten myself up psychologically nearly enough this week (*3). So fast forward twenty seconds (VCR fast forwarding noise) and I'm on the scale and it says "220.2". Yes 220.2. I was expecting a lot higher. While I am obviously not happy to be back in the 220's, a am pleased as punch(*4) that I am only slightly over. We'll fix the whole 220's thing for next week's weigh in.
Until the next blog,
(*1) It's a weird language we speak. I mean, like, weird weird.
(*2) If the idea of not weighing myself was a two year old, s/he would have giggled with delight and clapped his/her hands. Two year-olds rock, you can do the whole "Where'd he go/There he is" thing for hours/days on end and they never get tired of it. And by never, I mean never never.
(*3) And by nearly, I mean... yeah, this joke jumped the shark last paragraph. I'll stop now.
(*4) I just take it for granted that punch is always pleased. My apologies to any punch that doesn't feel content 24/7.
Monday, October 26, 2009
OK, so as usual I had a really good weigh-in, have eaten like total crap since, and now feel really horrible. Fat, disgusting and sloppy. I consumed about 4000 calories today and I am sure that it was the best of the past three days. I'm not even going to bother weighing myself, I'm sure that I'm back over 220. I'm really all out of ideas at this point.
I absolutely hate who I am. No control over food. I start out well each day (good breakfast and mid morning snacks). Then lunch comes and the calories and the junk food start. At this point in time. I will no longer accept failure. My weight makes me a failure. It is the only thing that stands between me and having a life worth living. So it's gotta go.
So screw it. If I have to starve myself to get to a healthy weight, bloody fine, I'll do it. It is my number one priority.
Note to God:
Sorry, I know that you would probably call this idolatry but I've never really been able to meet your expectations anyway. I've come to you before on this and you've rarely, if ever, provided in this area. We can touch base when I've lost the weight. I need freedom from this and I can't afford You if You're going to do Your usual job (tons of guilt with no solutions). I take responsibility for my weight. I will take responsibility for losing it . . . NO MATTER HOW.
When I was younger I lost a lot of weight by riding out hunger. It really felt good (a lot better than this fat, gross, fatigued feeling, anyway). Hunger became like a reward, like victory. I want that again. Those days we're much better. I will win this war. NO SURRENDER!!!!!
Saturday, October 24, 2009
I don't think words can really express how happy I am right now. When I started SparkPeople I weighed 225. For the first three or so weeks I lost 1-2 pounds/week. Then I hit a plateau at 220/221 in early September, which dragged on for six weeks.
This morning, the scale finally coughed up a "1" in the ten digits of my weight. This is significant to me for four reasons:
1) It's my first five pound milestone.
2) My BMI is below 30. I am officially no longer obese
3) I'm in a new 10 pound range (no more 22x.x, now 21x.x)
4) It's the first time in my adult life where I set a really difficult health related goal, met a lot of challenges, stumbled but still persevered unto victory
Now I know that I'm not significantly healthier than I was a pound and a half ago. I know that this is just the first step up a long stair case. Part of me wants to just say "good" and start planning the next phase. But no. This today is a day to celebrate. I will stick to the SparkDiet and nothing more. Tomorrow, battle resumes. Thanks for reading.
- TD out
Friday, October 23, 2009
For six weeks now, I've been basically within a pound of weighing less than 220. It's been extremely frustrating, but I really believe that tomorrow will be the big day. I will post either the "victory is mine" or the angry self loathing rant tomorrow immediately post weigh-in. Stay tuned!
OK, so this morning on the eve of victory, I come into work. I go to the fridge to get my healthy mid-morning snack (1/3 cup oatmeal and 2Tsp Peanut butter). I open the door and am confronted by a huge box of public access left-over pizza. Not just any old left-over pizza. Left-over pizza from the really good place (The really REALLY good place).
So I'm staring at the pizza box, already imagining the feeling of biting into my first slice. I start rationalizing. "A slice of the pizza is about the same as the oatmeal and PB calorie-wise", "I can have the oatmeal later", and "I can take a couple of slices for lunch". Then it occurred to me.....
I have been cheating myself out of victory for a month and a half by making stupid eating decisions, ironically many of them involving pizza. I know that some pizzas are healthier than others, but at the same time:
* Pizza is usually high in sodium (Can you say "water retention"?)
* The bread/crust is made of simple carbs. I would be hungry again almost instantly.
* I have rarely only eaten one slice of pizza when it's free.
I grabbed the peanut butter, scooped it into the oatmeal, put it back in the fridge and went the day without pizza. Tomorrow is weigh-in. I believe that I will finally reach my first Mini-goal. The pizza wasn't worth it. It was still an extremely hard decision, but one that I'm glad that I made.
- TD out
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