Tuesday, November 03, 2009
10 lbs by 2010:
It was really weird. I met my first mini goal and am easily going to make my second goal (219.8 by the Saturday before Thanksgiving). So I was wondering what should by next mini goal be. I thought to myself, if there are only nine weeks left in the year, why not try for 10 pounds.
Then last night, while perusing the Spark Blogosphere, I noticed a posting from somebody who appeared to be wanting to to just that. Turns out there is a group dedicated to this cause. So I joined it.
Seriously, the team forum is extremely well organized. I went on it and there was a "read me first" post which was helpful. The leader really seems to have her act together. I'm excited about it. I'm going to go for it. 10 by 2k10!!!!
I bought a black suit back in the late 1990's when I was hitting the gym fairly regularly. I would probably have been about 205 lbs or so. The suit is to die for (not literally, of course). It looks really sharp. I wore it for about 5 years. Always got compliments.
As I gained weight, the suit became less and less comfortable. By 2003, it simply didn't fit. It broke my heart to have to hang it up, but I've kept it. I've tried it on periodically as I've lost weight. It's gone from "can't even come close to buttoning it (2004/2005) to "can button it technically" (2006) to "can button it but can't realistically wear it (2007)".
Last night I tried it on. While I still can't realistically wear it, I believe that I am now 10-15 pounds away from being able to do so.
Bottom Line: My non-weight goal/desire for the rest of the year is to lose enough weight and fat to be able to wear that suit on New Years eve.
- TD out
Sunday, November 01, 2009
OK, I'm fairly new to the whole weight loss culture and definitely out of touch with modern American television. Several of the Spark Teams I would see on people's spark pages referenced a woman named Jillian Michaels. I had heard the name and finally figured out that she was a fitness coach on the Biggest Loser (an American Television show for those who have lived under a rock, as I have, for the last 8 years).
So last night I decided to Hulu The Biggest Loser and actually watch an episode. I can definitely see why people get hooked on it. Very inspirational. While I'm really REALLY not big into the yelling-like-a-lunatic-Drill-Sargent thing (Nine months of attending a typical Southern Baptist style church does that to you), one can not look at her and not be motivated to hit the gym a little harder the next day.
That being said, the main thing that occoured to me was that I lack actual positive motivation. Most of my focus on weight loss has been avoiding negative things("I hate the way I look", "I don't want to develop health problems later in life"). It's always about getting afloat, never about swimming, or making sure that the boat doesn't sink rather than sailing.
The reasons that the contestants have for losing weight are so much bigger and better than mine. Many of them have spouses and children. One of them is a leader who want to inspire the teenagers who he coaches. I don't really have such reasons (Not that wanting to avoid diabetes and heart conditions is a bad thing, but still). At best, my motivation is about wanting to look better, and most of my friends and family really don't care how I look. Nor would I want them to.
I mean, I have really good friends. At the same time, I can't help feeling like if I were to die tomorrow (not that I plan to), their lives probably wouldn't be any more or less blessed. Heck, if any of them got into a stable relationship, I would be yesterday's news anyway (I speak from experience). I don't know. I'm rambling.
Anyway, on the plus side, I had a good workout this morning and I lost weight over Halloween (Yesterday: 220.2 | Today 218.4. Had a good eating day yesterday). Anyway to whoever reads this, have a wonderful Sunday and Monday.
Therapy session over,
Saturday, October 31, 2009
OK Dokey, Dukey...This was supposed to be my most disasterous week weight/eating-wise ever. I mean, like, ever ever (not just plain ol' garden variety ever(*1)). I binged pretty much up until about 1:00 yesterday. I had two days less than 3500 calories this week. Definitely wasn't waiting for any Spark attaboys from Chris (a.k.a. Spark Guy).
I toyed with the idea of not weighing myself. I poked at it, tickled it, and lightly batted it like a cat does an insect. Heck I even looked at it with a goofy countenance while covering and uncovering my face saying "Where'd he go?" and "There he is" (*2)
But, alas, I figured "why not?". I haven't beaten myself up psychologically nearly enough this week (*3). So fast forward twenty seconds (VCR fast forwarding noise) and I'm on the scale and it says "220.2". Yes 220.2. I was expecting a lot higher. While I am obviously not happy to be back in the 220's, a am pleased as punch(*4) that I am only slightly over. We'll fix the whole 220's thing for next week's weigh in.
Until the next blog,
(*1) It's a weird language we speak. I mean, like, weird weird.
(*2) If the idea of not weighing myself was a two year old, s/he would have giggled with delight and clapped his/her hands. Two year-olds rock, you can do the whole "Where'd he go/There he is" thing for hours/days on end and they never get tired of it. And by never, I mean never never.
(*3) And by nearly, I mean... yeah, this joke jumped the shark last paragraph. I'll stop now.
(*4) I just take it for granted that punch is always pleased. My apologies to any punch that doesn't feel content 24/7.
Monday, October 26, 2009
OK, so as usual I had a really good weigh-in, have eaten like total crap since, and now feel really horrible. Fat, disgusting and sloppy. I consumed about 4000 calories today and I am sure that it was the best of the past three days. I'm not even going to bother weighing myself, I'm sure that I'm back over 220. I'm really all out of ideas at this point.
I absolutely hate who I am. No control over food. I start out well each day (good breakfast and mid morning snacks). Then lunch comes and the calories and the junk food start. At this point in time. I will no longer accept failure. My weight makes me a failure. It is the only thing that stands between me and having a life worth living. So it's gotta go.
So screw it. If I have to starve myself to get to a healthy weight, bloody fine, I'll do it. It is my number one priority.
Note to God:
Sorry, I know that you would probably call this idolatry but I've never really been able to meet your expectations anyway. I've come to you before on this and you've rarely, if ever, provided in this area. We can touch base when I've lost the weight. I need freedom from this and I can't afford You if You're going to do Your usual job (tons of guilt with no solutions). I take responsibility for my weight. I will take responsibility for losing it . . . NO MATTER HOW.
When I was younger I lost a lot of weight by riding out hunger. It really felt good (a lot better than this fat, gross, fatigued feeling, anyway). Hunger became like a reward, like victory. I want that again. Those days we're much better. I will win this war. NO SURRENDER!!!!!
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