Monday, October 26, 2009
OK, so as usual I had a really good weigh-in, have eaten like total crap since, and now feel really horrible. Fat, disgusting and sloppy. I consumed about 4000 calories today and I am sure that it was the best of the past three days. I'm not even going to bother weighing myself, I'm sure that I'm back over 220. I'm really all out of ideas at this point.
I absolutely hate who I am. No control over food. I start out well each day (good breakfast and mid morning snacks). Then lunch comes and the calories and the junk food start. At this point in time. I will no longer accept failure. My weight makes me a failure. It is the only thing that stands between me and having a life worth living. So it's gotta go.
So screw it. If I have to starve myself to get to a healthy weight, bloody fine, I'll do it. It is my number one priority.
Note to God:
Sorry, I know that you would probably call this idolatry but I've never really been able to meet your expectations anyway. I've come to you before on this and you've rarely, if ever, provided in this area. We can touch base when I've lost the weight. I need freedom from this and I can't afford You if You're going to do Your usual job (tons of guilt with no solutions). I take responsibility for my weight. I will take responsibility for losing it . . . NO MATTER HOW.
When I was younger I lost a lot of weight by riding out hunger. It really felt good (a lot better than this fat, gross, fatigued feeling, anyway). Hunger became like a reward, like victory. I want that again. Those days we're much better. I will win this war. NO SURRENDER!!!!!
Saturday, October 24, 2009
I don't think words can really express how happy I am right now. When I started SparkPeople I weighed 225. For the first three or so weeks I lost 1-2 pounds/week. Then I hit a plateau at 220/221 in early September, which dragged on for six weeks.
This morning, the scale finally coughed up a "1" in the ten digits of my weight. This is significant to me for four reasons:
1) It's my first five pound milestone.
2) My BMI is below 30. I am officially no longer obese
3) I'm in a new 10 pound range (no more 22x.x, now 21x.x)
4) It's the first time in my adult life where I set a really difficult health related goal, met a lot of challenges, stumbled but still persevered unto victory
Now I know that I'm not significantly healthier than I was a pound and a half ago. I know that this is just the first step up a long stair case. Part of me wants to just say "good" and start planning the next phase. But no. This today is a day to celebrate. I will stick to the SparkDiet and nothing more. Tomorrow, battle resumes. Thanks for reading.
- TD out
Friday, October 23, 2009
For six weeks now, I've been basically within a pound of weighing less than 220. It's been extremely frustrating, but I really believe that tomorrow will be the big day. I will post either the "victory is mine" or the angry self loathing rant tomorrow immediately post weigh-in. Stay tuned!
OK, so this morning on the eve of victory, I come into work. I go to the fridge to get my healthy mid-morning snack (1/3 cup oatmeal and 2Tsp Peanut butter). I open the door and am confronted by a huge box of public access left-over pizza. Not just any old left-over pizza. Left-over pizza from the really good place (The really REALLY good place).
So I'm staring at the pizza box, already imagining the feeling of biting into my first slice. I start rationalizing. "A slice of the pizza is about the same as the oatmeal and PB calorie-wise", "I can have the oatmeal later", and "I can take a couple of slices for lunch". Then it occurred to me.....
I have been cheating myself out of victory for a month and a half by making stupid eating decisions, ironically many of them involving pizza. I know that some pizzas are healthier than others, but at the same time:
* Pizza is usually high in sodium (Can you say "water retention"?)
* The bread/crust is made of simple carbs. I would be hungry again almost instantly.
* I have rarely only eaten one slice of pizza when it's free.
I grabbed the peanut butter, scooped it into the oatmeal, put it back in the fridge and went the day without pizza. Tomorrow is weigh-in. I believe that I will finally reach my first Mini-goal. The pizza wasn't worth it. It was still an extremely hard decision, but one that I'm glad that I made.
- TD out
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
OK so yesterday's mid-week weigh-in went really well(220.2). By that, I mean really really well. And by THAT I mean like...OK moving on. I had 219.8 in the bag for this Saturday. I was going to let it out of the bag by writing my most triumphant blog ever, basking in the glory of achieving a goal that I have been within a pound of for six weeks (count 'em) now. Yup, victory scheduled for Saturday: manifest destiny.
So what do you think I did yesterday and today(multiple choice here)? No peaking at the blog entry title:
(A) Continued to eat exactly as I did to get down to 220.2.
(B) Upped my game and added some more vegetables and whole grains
(C) Ate a little bit more, but certainly not enough to sabotage Saturday's weigh in.
(D) Totally blew it by eating like a complete doofus.
OK time's up. Pencils down.
(DING DING DING!!!!) Yes, sadly the correct answer is (D). Ugh! This is like your old Uncle Herb's favorite joke. When you were five and heard it for the first time, it was funny. After a few more times it was cute. Then it became tedious. Twenty years and 6 hint Christmas gift joke books later, ol' Uncle Herbie is still telling it like it's his next ticket to comedic stardom. Again, I say "Ugh!"
I know that "tomorrow is another day" and I know that "I can do it" and I will "hang in there". I just get frustrated with myself when I am this close and seem to blow it week after week. OK, enough grousing.
Tomorrow, it's war. For the next nine days, I will be strong! (crowd applauds) I will eat the healthiest that I have in my entire life (crowd applauds again). More fruits, more vegetables, and more of TD just being plain ol' awesome (crowd snickers). Hey crowd, stop snickering. I'm serious.
Bottom line: If I don't weigh less than 220 this Saturday, you can bet your sweet bippy that I will the following one.
OK, luv ya bye,
p.s. The word doofus is funny. I'm just saying
p.s.s. If bippies were valued by size, something (namely a mirror) tells me that if I were to bet my own sweet bippy, the U.S. treasury itself couldn't make a calling bet .
p.s.s.s. Actually, Uncle Herb's joke is kind of funny. I might use it at work sometime. Hmmm.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
OK for about 26 years now, I've been within a pound of my first mini goal of weighing less than 220 pounds(1). So I've started the actual spark diet this week and reinstated my old morning eating pattern which I will go into on another blog to come. I'm in the fast break stage, which is exciting. I'm stretching, journaling and fruit/vegetabling(2).
So I've been tracking my food using the actual spark people tracker as opposed to the ol' quill and parchment(3). I'm finding it helpful. I have a few custom foods to add, but I think we're doing good so far.
OK, so now onto the "OMG and stuff". My official weekly weigh-in is on Saturday. I got onto the scale this morning for one of my several mid-week weigh-ins(4), and I weighed in at 220.2.
I am soooooooooooooooooooooooo close at this point. I can almost taste it. Of course if I could taste it I would probably eat it..... but then I could also track it. Hmm. OK this post is becoming even more incoherent as I continue to write it, so Ima gonna sign me off.
- TD out.
(1) Actually it's only been 6 weeks, but it seems like 26 years
(2) My old English teacher would shoot me if she read that sentence, not that she ever needed that much motivation to do so.
(3) OK, ball point and notebook paper. You get the drift.
(4) I know, I know
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