Wednesday, March 30, 2011
There are some eternal conflicts that have persisted throughout time. Ones that will probably not be solved in our lifetime nor possibly ever.
Conflicts such as:
* Good vs. Evil
* The desire to be truly known vs. The desire to hide our innermost thoughts/feelings
* Less Filling vs. Tastes Great
* Ninja Kitty vs. Sumo Kitty.
Today though, I will not only address the greatest of all conflicts in history, I will resolve it:
Women Eating Oatmeal
Women Wearing Oatmeal
Her name is Eileen. She's a friend of mine. I met her a couple of years ago. Before then, when she was much younger, she was very fit and healthy. She ran marathons. I never knew her back then, but according to her since having children (and since she stopped running), she's put on some weight.
When I first met her she had a very diverse color palette for her wardrobe. She would wear:
* All Black
* All Dark Brown
* Some Black and Some Dark Brown
(You know, the "slimming" colors)
Oh yeah, there was also "the sweater". Now I'm not talking that pretty feminine pastel pink or blue cute v-neck or argyle sweater. No. I'm talking that big bulky cardigan that is some tan/beige/medium grey color (Basically the color of Oatmeal). It draped off her and looked like she borrowed it from her much larger husband.
As I started on SparkPeople a year and a half or so ago, she started getting involved in some the biggest loser type competitions at her office. She started losing weight. She came to me for encouragement (share her progress/success), because she knew that I had been losing weight.
She started to look really healthy. She exercised. She ate well. She did really well in the competitions.
But wait. There's more!!
As she entered into the second contest and the weight was clearly coming off, she became more confident. I'm talking just generally. She had a glow about her.
She started wearing clothes that weren't black and dark brown. She started dressing in actual colors (non-neutrals)! Most importantly, the oatmeal colored cardigan from Hell stopped making appearances. Everything about her screamed. "I'm confident in my appearance. I wear clothes to express my confidence, not hide myself."
I was really happy for her.
Then the holidays came.
Then she fell of the wagon exercise-wise
Then the all-black/dark-brown look resurfaced
And yes she now, once again, wears the oatmeal bc sweater *sigh*
It wouldn't be so tragic if she actually had a body that needed to be hidden, but she looks perfectly fine (imho).
If you are dressing yourself just to hide your body because it doesn't look like it did when you were 21, please stop. Large bulky clothing makes the wearer look large and bulky. Hiding yourself in boring neutrals will not build your self confidence.
I hated having to buy lager sizes when I was bigger, I get it. But even 40 pounds ago, I dressed myself well and got complements. It's doable and worth it. I was worth it.
You're worth it.
I love my friend and want what's best for her. That oatmeal sweater isn't worthy of her. She deserves far far far better from and for herself.
Bottom line: I think women should EAT oatmeal, not WEAR oatmeal.
- TD Out!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sometimes things in life that once worked well (or just worked) stop doing so. Ideas, concepts and paradigms lose their novelty and effectiveness. The inventions that revolutionized a year,decade or generation just years later are a reference to how outdated and outmoded those times are now.
Whatever your political views are, watch any presidential inauguration. Invariably while the new president is speaking, the camera will briefly capture the outgoing president for a second. The man who just four/eight years ago represented a new era, new future and energized the country just looks tired with the "my time is so over" countenance.
Same as with almost any sitcom after it's 3rd or 4th season. They all jump the shark eventually. Writers run out of ideas. The actors get bored. Ratings plummet. The audience doesn't care about the new cute kid. What was once a show that you couldn't wait to watch has become just a monotonous ritual of TV watching.
Throughout college and even since, my dating has reflected that of an overweight guy with low self esteem. My requirements in a dating partner have been really rigorous. They show strong interest that I might ask them out (no possibility of rejection).
I've chosen the "safe" people. The ones that I could enjoy spending time with but ones that clearly wouldn't work out (their parents usually didn't like me, they had serious baggage, etc.). It was "safe".
They could treat me like dirt, manipulate me, push me away. It's was OK though. Dating a headcase was better than being alone.
The good quality ones (you know, ones with self esteem) were usually taken, but hey. They wouldn't want to spend time with me, anyway. Even if they did, they would probably ultimately reject a wedding proposal. So why bother? Come on! I'm the fat kid! Right!?
There has been a strong underlying mentality of, "I don't deserve to be in a healthy relationship."
Last year it all came crashing down when I met the girl who I most recently dated. I figured that we would have a good six months and then she'd start pushing for the ring, I'd push back and we'd break up. Turns out she just wanted to date as well. That really scared me.
To boot she actually found me attractive when we met (I was 15 pounds heavier then). That was really hard for me to figure out. I always took the mentality that if a girl found me attractive, there was something seriously wrong with her. Scary thing was having lost 25-30 pounds, I could see where she was coming from towards the end and that really scared me.
After an 11 month very rocky (as usual) relationship, we had the "just friends" conversation. We tried and then she started really pushing me into the background. Friendships to me are very deep and I don't take demotions well. We officially broke off communications about a week and a half ago. It was tough, but I am more at peace than ever.
She represents the end of an era that has lasted most of my life. An era where I would give my love to someone who was supposed to love me but wouldn't or couldn't. An era of seeing myself as having to take what I could get dating-wise. An era where I could tell myself that people I dated were interested only in my personality (certainly not attracted to me physically).
Gone are the days I settle for someone whose parents think that I'm not good enough for their daughters. Gone are the days when I date someone who would pick them over me. Gone are the days of dating girls who use tears to manipulate me. Gone are the days of trying to keep someone interested in me when they're clearly looking for my replacement.
No longer will I ask someone out solely because she will give me the time of day. Someone else can have that. No longer will I accept "That's just who I am" when I point out that something they're doing is hurting me. No longer will I accept the scraps of time that someone is willing to deign to give me when they're no longer interested in investing in the relationship. My time is too valuable for that.
I'm too valuable for that.
I don't want a "safe" date-to-failure relationship. I want a good healthy one. I don't want to have to carry someone's mental baggage and not be able to confide my struggles to them because they can't mentally handle it. I'm not looking for someone who is completely issue-free. At the same time, I don't want to invest myself into a relationship with someone whose issues are running/ruining their life (and by proxy mine).
I love her and I wish her the absolute best. I really do. But I need my dating relationships to be more like my friendships. Healthy and fulfilling (for both of us). Both of us can stand on our own but be there for one another when we need each other.
My past mentality can't be part of my future dating life. I would rather be single for the rest of my life than go through another relationship like that.
"I don't deserve to be in a healthy relationship."
* Really!!?? Pfft!! I will accept nothing less.
Trentdreamer's dating paradigms (college-2011), Rest In Peace.
The era is OVER!
- TD Out.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
**This weekend was rough and I'm still processing (Broke up with a girl who I really care about). I will blog about it sometime in the next week or so. This blog is unrelated to that**
It just seems like every time I feel down about the fact that I've been stagnating weight-wise, someone I haven't seen in awhile makes a comment that reminds me that I'm looking fit/good. Today though took the cake.
I enjoy exercise classes. I started taking step . Later, before I stopped working out all together, I took some spinning classes. Back in mid 2009 when I started working out again, I found iZumba!. It was fun. I got to learn new dance moves. For my fitness level, it was a good class.
One thing one learns quickly about aerobic fitness classes is that instructors usually remember any male that takes their classes if they've come a couple of times (we rarely represent the voting majority and therefore stand out).
So the other day, I made my triumphant return to one of the two iZumba! classes from a couple of years ago. The instructor asked the usual, "is anyone new to iZumba! ?" A couple of the women raised their hand. Then she looked me dead in the eyes and said, "You've taken Zumba before?". At first I thought she was kidding.
I was like, "yeah" and she was like "good"
She seriously didn't recognize me. I definitely look different 30 pounds later, but still. That one floored me.
Just thought I'd share.
- TD Out!
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