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I Get Why

Friday, April 22, 2011

OK, so I finally get it.

Over the years, I've had spark friends take SparkBreaks when they were struggling with life. At first my thoughts were always like, "Cool, once they've taken care of whatever it is, they'll come back and it will be like old times."

Then they come back for a blog or two. They disappear for another 4-5 months. One blog early the next year and they're never heard from again.

It saddens me, but I've always been blessed to have friends who I love and love me to support me. I miss the ones who leave, but am extremely thankful for the ones who are there. I love you all.

But the ones who leave when times are tough....I always used to wonder:
* Why won't they let me be there for them?

* Why not at least a status!?

* Taking myself out of the picture, why do they leave the very support system that has gotten them this far and that can be there for them in their times of need!!??

* What would Drunk Julie rap about them!!!???

Now, I have to admit, I get it. I get why.

This year has sucked literally from January 1. Ended both a rocky 6-year friendship and really close 1-year dating relationship both on the very first weekend (January 1st and 2nd).

It went downhill from there. Things such as the job and the living situation have become extremely unstable. It seems like when I'm able to get afloat in one area of my life either:
* two other areas start crumbling (or)
* another totally c's the bed.

My eyes have been sore due to poor lighting where I work, so going onto the computer has been extremely tough. And if I were to go on, I don't know what I would say. My Sparking or lack thereof has been the result.

I'm not depressed per se (*), but I feel as though I'm one or two pieces of bad news, changes or problems at work(**) from totally shutting down. And I haven't the foggiest how to handle any of it. It's like I'll be confronted with something that I can't do anything about. After two days I'll come up with solution(s) and then *Bam* the solution(s) are taken off the table or something else worse will make the solution irrelevant.

Part of me really doesn't want to burden my SparkFriends with my problems. The other part of me doesn't see the point in doing so.

I don't really know how to ask for help and I'm not sure anyone would be able to help.

I feel really stuck, really down, facing a lot of inevitable bad things and have no idea how to start dealing with them (or where to go/who to go to to do so).


So unlike last year, I understand why people become reclusive and leave when the times are tough. I get it. I'm there. While part of me wants to apologize for not being there, I know that you understand.

Thank you to all of you who have checked in on me these past couple of weeks. You have no idea how much it means to me (***)

As Mishka the husky talking dog would say:

I second that, Mishka. I totally second that.

- TD Out.

(*) Did you ever notice that when people say they're not something followed by "per se", they are usually what they are saying that they're not. "Per se" must be French for "I'm in denial."

(**) Did you ever notice that co-workers say that problems are actually "opportunities" are really annoying (per se)

(***) I know that you do know how much it means to me. I've read your blogs when others have been there for you. You get it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANEPANALIPTI 5/5/2011 8:05AM

!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanna hear about your problems....

Loved the in denial thing...

you know what though.... at least in the place where I'm at right now, as long as you're deciding you wanna keep living.... problems can ONLY be opportunities right? Opportunities for learning something for next time, growth, finding the beauty in it, etc etc.... ? As long as its not bad enough to kill yourself over its an opportunity for something.. hmm........

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RUNJEWELRUN 4/27/2011 12:58PM

    Dear Trent,
We all love you!
We all have problems :)
We support you.
I gave you my number, you can call, text, or chat whenever!
We all have felt the same way you do!
Don't give up!

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SYN-CA 4/26/2011 6:16AM

    Okay, Trent, buddy, get off your pitty party wagon! We all have to ride it once in awhile. You are so bright, I'm sure you will find answers, but your mind has to be in a state to formulate them and then own them! For your eyes, start eating cooked kale. My recipe is to saute garlic & onions in olive oil til cooked, add 1/4 to 1/2 cup chicken broth, when simmering, add chopped and cleaned kale for a few minutes, cover until cooked. I like it a bit crunchy. Look up kale and see how good it is for the eyes....We live in a place where all things are possible...start thinking of possiblities.

"You become what you think about." Earl Nightingale.

Syn emoticon

Comment edited on: 4/26/2011 6:17:19 AM

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KRITKRIT 4/25/2011 3:06PM


First off.....bug HUGS emoticon emoticon

Second...I'm sorry that you aren't feeling yourself as of late. I wish there was something I could do, something I could say to make it better. If talking about your problems helps you, if getting advice is what you need, then by all means 'burden' us. If they are true friends, they wont consider it burdening at all! We are all here to support each other and help each other thru our healthy lifestyle...and I dont know about you, but my weight loss/healthy lifestyle is greatly affected by my whole life, thats why I share things food/workout/life/troubles/etc. I know I've never talked to you outside of the SP world, but I would be more than willing to talk to you via email/phone/text etc if talking helps you. I think you are awesome TD, you always seem to amaze me about how caring you are to others. Let us, for once, help you thru this..

Much love. KA

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FITGRL124 4/24/2011 10:45AM

    Trent - oh my gosh - how CAN we help you if we have no idea how much your struggling? emoticon

You have a lot of things going on in life right now that you need to take inventory on. However, putting yourself first and remembering that we're all here for you should be at the top of your list! emoticon

BIG HUGS!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MPALMER15 4/24/2011 10:40AM

    emoticon I have several hopes for you on this new day, TRENTDREAMER. 1) I hope that blogging helped you somehow, that maybe it helped you to vent some much needed frustration and despair so that you can gain a fresh perspective. 2) I hope that you keep coming back to Spark. I don't know of a better support system on this planet, for weight loss or otherwise! It's like family and can be a lifeline when all seems lost. 3) I hope that you can tackle these issues one at a time and work past them. I could throw out a bunch of trite adages at this point, but I won't. I sincerely hope that you can catch your breath, regroup, and move forward with your life. You CAN do this, and you can do it with your SparkFamily's help if you will just keep logging in.

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TEENY_BIKINI 4/24/2011 7:46AM

    I am sorry you are feeling this way.

It is okay to spark the way that is best for you at any given time. Know that you have friends here...

Sending out big hugs on this sunny day...

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SBLACKWELL93 4/23/2011 8:04PM

    But that is why we are here. To be here when you are this far down to let you know there is an up and hand there to hold onto though you feel like nothing else is working out in your life. Sometimes when things are bad all we need to do is have something constant going to keep us holding on. Maybe spark is that constant that you need to keep you from going over the edge. Just know we are here for you and if you ever need to talk that i have two shoulders and two ears. I am a pretty good listener and advice giver. And sometimes it just helps to talk to someone outside the situation to get a better perspective of the situation. Know your are loved and you have alot of family here for you.

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BYEBYEFAT. 4/23/2011 3:01PM

    First off... "TRENTDREAMER totaly thought he had already added Janell as a SparkFriend previously.".... hahha, don't worry. Im not offended. This time.... dun dun dun! Just kidding, really sparkpeople needs a new "friend request" section. I can never remember who adds me so I hardly ever add people back! Your off the hook :)

Second.. I get it. I toooooootally get it. I have the hardest time coming on spark when my life isn't going the way I want it to. It is hard to try to encourage others when we aren't feeling the best about ourselves.

And last but not least..... Never believe that coming to a friend during a hard time is a "burden." yuck! I dont like that word :) and i forbid you from ever using it again! This is a SUPPORT system on spark. My "friends" that end up slipping away are the ones that I never talk to about things that are on my mind! So please... come "burden" me with your problems :)

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Turning 19 this year

Sunday, April 10, 2011

I'm not giving up on weight loss. I'm really not.

It's just that at this point:
* I've been stuck at 198-200 for about 3 months.
* My body hasn't changed all that much.
* I've never really implemented a good consistent exercise routine.
* I'm going to be going to the beach in a couple of months.

Yes, there are two areas of eating that I really need to get my act together on.

But the reality is:
* I'm in really good health.
* Physically, I look really good.
* I'm now wearing "slim fit" shirts, size mediums, and size 36" jeans/khakis (All three totally unheard of a year ago)
* My body fat % has consistently remained at 21%

While ideally I would have liked to hit 195 before going through the whole gain-muscle mass weight thing, I just don't see it happening.

This week, I was 200 pounds (*) at 20% body fat
I did:
* 4-5 20 minute interval cardio session
* 2 upper-body workouts
* 2 partial leg workouts
* 1 Kettle-bell routine
* definitely NOT this exercise video

If what I hear is true, a pound of muscle is the same size as five pounds of fat. Muscle burns fat. Between strength training and cardio, I should be able to maintain my weight or perhaps gain a pound or two over the next month or so. It's worth it though. I can look leaner and maybe fit slightly more comfortably in the 36" jeans/khakis

Again, don't get me wrong about the weight loss. I don't think it's over. I really believe once I build muscle and up my cardio the pounds will start dropping again. At the same time, they may not...and I'm OK with that.

My body fat percentage has been in the early 20s (***) now for the past several months. This year we're going to break that number down into the teens

Yes, my friends, this year I'm turning 19. Wish me success.

As this really cure cat would say:

TD Out!!

* 198.8, but who is counting
** Not that I won't this week :D
*** Mostly 21% and 22%

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANEPANALIPTI 4/13/2011 4:15PM

    turning 19 ....... mmmmhhhhhmmmmmm...............

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KRITKRIT 4/13/2011 10:45AM

    Im glad that you have a different outlook on the numbers on the scale. Good for you!!

Turning 19?!?! Man, I could almost go to jail for that! hehe

Can't wait for your post when you hit your mark!

GO TD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comment edited on: 4/18/2011 5:57:11 PM

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KT-NICHOLS-13 4/11/2011 12:23PM

    Changing up the plan yet keeping your eye on the prize ... sounds great. Looking forward to hearing about your new adventures in healthy living.

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MEADSBAY 4/10/2011 8:38PM

I never realized you are such a young-un!
I have shoes in my closet older than you.
You seem so much more- ahem- mature.
You must have an old soul.
Best wishes on your continuing journey to good health.


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FITGRL124 4/10/2011 7:00PM


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Hail-Mary Weigh-in

Saturday, April 02, 2011

199.4 (Last Week)
199.0 (This Week) w00t!!!!!111

For the past couple of months, I've been in a bit of a holding pattern with my eating.
* I eat poorly on the weekend after my weigh-in
* I eat extremely poorly Monday-Thursday
* Friday, I eat really well for the next day's weigh-in.
* My weight has stayed between 198 and 201 for the most part.

This week was exactly the same except for one detail:
* I ate poorly on Friday

I expected to see 201 or 202, but I got a bit of a surprise of 199.2, 199 and 199 for my respective weigh-ins.

Something similar happened years ago. I had stopped weighing myself and assumed I was gaining weight. Months later when I finally mustered up the courage to face the music on the scale, I was exactly the same as my last weigh-in.

That gave me the courage to start swinging again. I lost 40 pounds in a matter of months.

Now realistically, I don't have that much weight to lose. But I think that the seemingly forever elusive 195 may now be mine for the taking.

A dear SparkFriend (who I love very much) said that May was going to be Trent month. I say it will be a huge celebration. I would love to lose 1 pounds a week through April and hit or pass 195 on my April 30 weigh in.

Exactly 1 pound per week. We'll see

If you thought the below 200 blog last July was big,

just you wait.

As Wes, the woofy dog, would say:

You said it, Wes

- TD Out!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

COMPUCATHY 4/7/2011 8:29PM

    You can do it! Keep swinging! Hitting/surpassing 195 is going to be a blast! Spark on! emoticon

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RUNJEWELRUN 4/3/2011 9:53PM

    Go for it! Try eating one healthy meal a day :)

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SCRAP317 4/3/2011 8:02PM

    You will do it Trent - you've got it now!

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FITGRL124 4/3/2011 7:52PM

    emoticon The little fairy is sprinkling magical pixie dust on you because you are SO going to do this!!! April IS going to be your month! emoticon

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ANEPANALIPTI 4/3/2011 4:57AM

    HIGH FIVE ME TRENT DARLIN. We're going to get there. You rock don't forget it. :)

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I think Women Should EAT Oatmeal Not WEAR Oatmeal

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

There are some eternal conflicts that have persisted throughout time. Ones that will probably not be solved in our lifetime nor possibly ever.

Conflicts such as:
* Good vs. Evil
* The desire to be truly known vs. The desire to hide our innermost thoughts/feelings
* Less Filling vs. Tastes Great
* Ninja Kitty vs. Sumo Kitty.

Today though, I will not only address the greatest of all conflicts in history, I will resolve it:

Women Eating Oatmeal
Women Wearing Oatmeal

Her name is Eileen. She's a friend of mine. I met her a couple of years ago. Before then, when she was much younger, she was very fit and healthy. She ran marathons. I never knew her back then, but according to her since having children (and since she stopped running), she's put on some weight.

When I first met her she had a very diverse color palette for her wardrobe. She would wear:
* All Black
* All Dark Brown
* Some Black and Some Dark Brown
(You know, the "slimming" colors)

Oh yeah, there was also "the sweater". Now I'm not talking that pretty feminine pastel pink or blue cute v-neck or argyle sweater. No. I'm talking that big bulky cardigan that is some tan/beige/medium grey color (Basically the color of Oatmeal). It draped off her and looked like she borrowed it from her much larger husband.

As I started on SparkPeople a year and a half or so ago, she started getting involved in some the biggest loser type competitions at her office. She started losing weight. She came to me for encouragement (share her progress/success), because she knew that I had been losing weight.

She started to look really healthy. She exercised. She ate well. She did really well in the competitions.

But wait. There's more!!

As she entered into the second contest and the weight was clearly coming off, she became more confident. I'm talking just generally. She had a glow about her.

She started wearing clothes that weren't black and dark brown. She started dressing in actual colors (non-neutrals)! Most importantly, the oatmeal colored cardigan from Hell stopped making appearances. Everything about her screamed. "I'm confident in my appearance. I wear clothes to express my confidence, not hide myself."

I was really happy for her.

Then the holidays came.

Then she fell of the wagon exercise-wise

Then the all-black/dark-brown look resurfaced

And yes she now, once again, wears the oatmeal bc sweater *sigh*

It wouldn't be so tragic if she actually had a body that needed to be hidden, but she looks perfectly fine (imho).

If you are dressing yourself just to hide your body because it doesn't look like it did when you were 21, please stop. Large bulky clothing makes the wearer look large and bulky. Hiding yourself in boring neutrals will not build your self confidence.

I hated having to buy lager sizes when I was bigger, I get it. But even 40 pounds ago, I dressed myself well and got complements. It's doable and worth it. I was worth it.

You're worth it.

I love my friend and want what's best for her. That oatmeal sweater isn't worthy of her. She deserves far far far better from and for herself.

Bottom line: I think women should EAT oatmeal, not WEAR oatmeal.

- TD Out!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PICKIE98 4/9/2011 6:00AM

    I agree about the colors,, no worries about black for me,, my skin is so white, I look like Dracula's daughter in white or black,,
I wear pick, yellow, mostly red, and salmon, blue,,
your friend is wearing black, not downing 'ludes or pulling her eyelashes out, for that we are grateful,,
How about being diplomatic and buying her a beautiful colored top or sweater and "trading" it for the beautifully gift wrapped new one you present to her????
That is a REALLY subtle hint how you feel!!

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AZCUPCAKE 4/7/2011 4:17PM

    You are a master of humor and wit - with huge amounts of TRUTH thrown in! Bravo on your insight regarding oatmeal-colored clothing!! emoticon

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RUNJEWELRUN 4/3/2011 9:55PM

    Amen! But Oatmeal is one of my fall colors lol

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TANNERS 4/3/2011 10:31AM

    60% of my closet is black... sometimes you just do what you can to make it thru the day. Just remember that not everyone feels the way that you do. When you talk to her, make sure your caring, funny nature comes thru.

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SCRAP317 3/31/2011 8:33PM

    I'm sure it won't shock you to know my closet looks like a crayon box threw up - I LOVE COLORS! Somehow my body never told my brain about the oatmeal - I so glad!

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KRITKRIT 3/31/2011 3:57PM

    OH TD you are soooo rigght! My 'oatmeal sweater' is an old navy black fleece. I literally wear it 4 days a week to work...and the other days I wear a green one, cream one or red one! Now, honestly our offices are FREEZING..not kidding, even in the dead of summer I have my space heater on and sometimes a blanket but I KNOW a lot of other clothing options would be more acceptable. Its just so easy and it hides everything! I am wearing it today, still, but I am now able to take it off once I am warm and feel just as comfortable as I do with it on...I think thats at least is for me!

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KATYMACK 3/31/2011 11:58AM

    Great blog, so very true. You should show her this blog....I am sure she values your opinion. I know I wear the same colors, jeans, white, blue, black and grey (never oatmeal). I actually feel much more confident in those colors than when I wear bright colors. It's all about the confidence we feel inside.

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ELAPOINTE 3/31/2011 7:07AM

    you should tell your friend, because i'm sure your opinion and knowledge of her fight to regain her body are important to her. tell her! or steal the sweater and burn it! i, too, was guilty of this color scheme. not oatmeal, but black, brown, and grey. but as i grew more confident with my weight loss and my new body i was interested in color again...for the first time in years! now bright yellow and emerald green and purple and royal blue and baby pink and fuscia are my mom nearly fell over the day i tried on a yellow and orange striped cardigan - she was so excited she bought it for me! the thing about color is people see it. they notice you. when you're a big girl, you don't want people to notice, you mostly want people to leave you're friend will come back around, but i bet she could use some encouragement from you!

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ANEPANALIPTI 3/31/2011 4:26AM

    you write so well, i loved it

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BYEBYEFAT. 3/30/2011 9:59PM

    OMG, Its a good thing you dont see me everyday I dont wear oatmeal.. but i totally need to learn to wear clothing that shows off my good features instead of hiding EVERYTHING.

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MEADSBAY 3/30/2011 9:57PM

    Fine then- I will clean out my closet tomorrow.
I have WAY too much black in there!

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FITGRL124 3/30/2011 9:39PM

    Your blogs are funny but so true!

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SBLACKWELL93 3/30/2011 7:30PM

    I love this blog. Got a great eye there. And i agree with you totally!!!!!!!

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NICOLELYNNB 3/30/2011 6:56PM

    A great statement, and a wonderfully written blog!


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KT-NICHOLS-13 3/30/2011 6:53PM

    "If you are dressing yourself just to hide your body because it doesn't look like it did when you were 21, please stop." Seriously, we need to put this in every magazine and clothing store world wide. I completely agree.

Taking pride in what we wear no matter our size is important. I know it makes me feel better. I wear outfits and colors that compliment my curves ... it makes me feel sassy and beautiful.

Great blog.

P.S. How are those veggies this week?

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AKELAZ 3/30/2011 6:53PM

    You wrote this for me, huh? Course not - but you could've.

Black - grey - purple are 'my' colours. Except that they're NOT actually and you just may have put a stop to all that nonsense.

Thanks - yet again - for a great, reflective and truthful blog. emoticon

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Weekly Weigh-in (03.26.2011) and Redemption

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Goal: 182
01/01: 204.8
02/05: 198.8
03/05: 200.2
03/12: 198.8
03/19: 199.2

This Week: 199.4 (+0.2) meh.


a few years ago, I was listening to a former talk show host being interviewed about some of his callers. He talked about someone who would call into the show once a week (or fairly regularly). The caller was a recovering alcoholic.

Said caller would always introduce himself by first name and say " and I've been without a drink for..." followed by the number of days (then say what he wanted to say about the topic at hand). When trying to give up something that one is addicted to it really helps to hear about someone who has been free of something addictive for so long.

According to the host, he was up around 1100/1200 days when he stopped calling in. Three or for months passed, nothing. The host of course had other regular callers and the recovering man faded into the recesses of his mind.

Out of nowhere 6-9 months later. The host took his next call and heard an all too familiar voice. The caller introduced himself by his first name and followed with "and I've been without a drink for 14 days".

In life there is redemption, salvation and victory for those who want it and are willing to accept it. Most importantly it's for those who ask for it and are willing to accept help for it.

While not nearly as significant as giving up alcohol addiction, I want to get back to eating vegetables. I was up to 5 a week when I stopped. I really want to eat them, I know I feel better and healthier when I do. But for some reason, I just stop cold. I'm going back to square 1. My goal is to eat 1-3 vegetables this week. My reward will be SparkGift medals.

1 = Bronze medal
2 = Silver Medal
3 = Gold Medal

Thank you to my two friends who have asked how the vegetable eating was going. I really appreciate it.

Wish me good fortune.

TD Out!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SILVERANGEL6 5/9/2011 7:45PM

    Greetings from Sylv from Oz....TD, what a great idea from Syn-Ca. I love my zukes fried in a non-stick pan with a little spray olive oil, with S&P, yummy. But I love most veggies, I just have them steamed. I like hot sauce, HP brand, (from UK) with my grilled sausages, and it goes really well with the veg. I gave up sugar Sept 2010, the fructose makes you fat, do the research for yourself. I started with a book called Sweet Poison, author David Gillespie, (from here in Brisbane, Oz)...then just googled stuff. The fructose is as addictive as heroin, and it numbs the appetite control receptors in our bodies, my appetite control is on the way back, I'm not so hungry all the time, and am eating smaller portions. After Xmas, I did put on weight, so 'tweaked' my food intake to eat less bread & potatos, that fits my body, may not fit yours. One of the bits of interesting research David has in the book, is that all the research he did, right back to the 1930's (I think it was) showed that there is no clinical evidence to prove that fat makes you fat. It's all about how much you eat, and that d***d fructose. 2 things never to eat/drink are, dried fruit & fruit juice. Only eat whole fruits, 2 per day, and find a chart that tells you how much sugar in different veg & fruits, & liimit those high in fructose/sugar. You can find it all on the Net, if you are serious. I lost 6.6 kilos before Xmas, put back on 3.5, now have gotten my weight loss down to 8.2 kilos, the lowest weight I have been for 18 years. WooHoo....think about it & please, try the research for yourself. It was my light bulb moment.
Good luck with it.
Spread the Love
Silver Angel emoticon

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SMCBR0031 3/28/2011 12:47AM

    Just happen to stumble upon your blog, and glad I did. That is a great story! Really moving. You mention "redemption, salvation and victory" for all willing to accept it, and you are right. And I wanted to share a great definition of redemption I came across: restoration of man from bondage. If we are willing to accept help, accept weakness, and work hard, then we all can be restored. :-)

Great goals on the veggies, best of luck!!!


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TANNERS 3/27/2011 9:48PM

    Sometimes we need to do wrong to appreciate the good we do. You got this!

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GOLDIEFOXX 3/27/2011 9:34PM

    That's a cool story! I think it's a fabulous goal.. but one I dont think I could do.. atleast right now. I am a junk food junkie, and honestly, this weight I have lost up to this point has pretty much been junk food. I am trying to eat less, still eating the same type of food. Maybe when i get closer to reaching my overall goal I can shift my attention more towards eating right.. I envy you, and those that can eat healthy!! Keep up the good work, and btw thank you for the nice comment on my blog!

emoticon Renae

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SYN-CA 3/27/2011 1:35PM

    Trent, honey, you don't eat your veggies, because you don't like the taste! If you did, you would eat them regularly. Why not try some new recipes of your favs, and come up with something you can't live without? Here is one to start you off:

Take your favorite veggies (mine are zucchini, quartered little red potatoes, sliced onions, whole peeled garlic, asparagus, sliced sweet potatoes, mushrooms, halved brussel sprouts, cubed butternut squash, and sliced red and yellow peppers--though you can use ANY, but select a few that are colorful OR use them all!) Coat them with olive oil. Roast @ 450 til done, maybe 30 minutes. I like mine a little blackened.

I hated brussel sprouts until I made them this way. You can also add S & P, a little thyme, and make a batch for the week. When I make them, everyone wants the recipe--and it is so simple!
Good luck on your veggies!
Syn emoticon
PS Congrats on your loss this year! Keep it going!

Comment edited on: 3/27/2011 1:36:46 PM

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KT-NICHOLS-13 3/27/2011 1:05PM

    Embrace the veg!

"In life there is redemption, salvation and victory for those who want it and are willing to accept it. Most importantly it's for those who ask for it and are willing to accept help for it." I have to remind myself of this everyday.

If I can support you in anyway, please let me know. I'm always here, always willing.

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CALLIKIA 3/27/2011 11:46AM

    Good luck!! Nom those veggies hard! ;)

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MEADSBAY 3/27/2011 10:26AM

    Oh, my- what a great story- see how we all learn from each other in this life?
You can do it, TD!

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ANEPANALIPTI 3/27/2011 9:36AM

    emoticon i believe you can do this!!!

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