Tuesday, March 15, 2011
**This weekend was rough and I'm still processing (Broke up with a girl who I really care about). I will blog about it sometime in the next week or so. This blog is unrelated to that**
It just seems like every time I feel down about the fact that I've been stagnating weight-wise, someone I haven't seen in awhile makes a comment that reminds me that I'm looking fit/good. Today though took the cake.
I enjoy exercise classes. I started taking step . Later, before I stopped working out all together, I took some spinning classes. Back in mid 2009 when I started working out again, I found iZumba!. It was fun. I got to learn new dance moves. For my fitness level, it was a good class.
One thing one learns quickly about aerobic fitness classes is that instructors usually remember any male that takes their classes if they've come a couple of times (we rarely represent the voting majority and therefore stand out).
So the other day, I made my triumphant return to one of the two iZumba! classes from a couple of years ago. The instructor asked the usual, "is anyone new to iZumba! ?" A couple of the women raised their hand. Then she looked me dead in the eyes and said, "You've taken Zumba before?". At first I thought she was kidding.
I was like, "yeah" and she was like "good"
She seriously didn't recognize me. I definitely look different 30 pounds later, but still. That one floored me.
Just thought I'd share.
- TD Out!
Saturday, March 12, 2011
This Week: 198.8 (-1.4) WhaaaaaaaT!?
Back on Track.
This week was kickboxing and lots of walking (9.1 miles total. 4 left to complete my 1/2 marathon for the month). The hunger was bad because I lapsed from eating the foods that help me fight sugar cravings. I picked those back up later in the week.
This week, I'm going to do 2-3 boxing kickboxing classes, more walking and maybe a kettlebell workout.
The kickboxing instructor on Monday is amazing, she puts a lot of ducking and body shots into her routine. With most other instructors, you can do kickboxing with little taxation on the abs. Definitely not with this one.
The past few weeks have been busy so I haven't had the time to be on Spark as much as in the past. I hope that that changes over the next few weeks. I love you all and miss you all.
Thanks for being there for me and leaving comments.
- TD Out!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Motivated was a bit of an understatement in describing me as a college student. I was a solid B- student in high school, but when I came to college, it was an entirely new ball game. I decided after the semester where I got the spit knocked out of me, grade-wise, that I was going to graduate with the highest honors possible. That involved graduating with a 3.8 GPA.
Bottom line: I needed a lot of A's.
The problem was not that I had a high goal, that the pressure was on, or even that I was not willing to give it up unless it was totally numerically impossible. Rather it was my attitude and corresponding mantra.
By the end of my sophomore year, my friends could practically finish the conditional sentence for me (I'm actually tearing up as I remember it). My motto was, "If it's not an A ..... it's garbage".
I carried that ball and chain for 3+ years. Sure some of my closer friends who cared about me tried to reason with me at first, but they fairly quickly realized that this was not an opinion that was going to change. I burnt out three times, destroyed a great relationship and totally let both my physical and mental health go. But I got what I wanted.
Midway through my senior year when I burnt out the second time I vowed that I would never, Never, NEVER do that to myself again. And I meant it. I would finish this mission, but I would find balance in life and never so dogmatically demand something of myself by which I hurt myself/ruined my life like that again. Ever. I meant it.
Then I started working out. I went from 228 down to 225. Yay!!! I started to feel better. I got healthier. 220. A few more pounds dropped, I exercised more. I got really healthy.
Then the same mentality crept back just with a different mantra. I found myself saying to myself, "Better off dead than fat". Yeah.
As I write this, I've once again sabotaged my health this week. I'm feeling lousy. I'm probably going to be over 200 again this Saturday and I was kind of wondering why I'm in this pattern.
The two things that have been killing me since joining SparkPeople are (a) my ability to control my eating and (b) I have no motivation beyond numbers (and then what?). While (a) is mine for the asking as long as I make some easy adjustments to my eating (I was just lazy this week), (b) remains a stronghold.
It occurs to me that I've lived my entire life avoiding failure. It wasn't "A is for awesome". It wasn't "Never surrender". It wasn't "another pound is another step in the right direction". It wasn't about succeeding.
It's always about not being a failure. Not putting myself in a position where I can fail or be perceived as a failure. Failure is like the stain of shame won't wash out of my hands no matter how hard I scrub. Even if it's not really even there.
Even if I don't say it. 2xx.x = failure to me. Heck until I reach 195, I will always look down on myself unless I can figure out how to not do so. I now realize how it ties together.
My whole life is about "not failing" rather than succeeding.
Now it's a matter of figuring out how to over-come.
Thanks for listening/reading.
- TD Out!
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