Friday, October 01, 2010
in my 14 months or so of blogging ive laid down some pretty h4rd hitting facts about myself. without a real prof pic ive been anonymously abl3 to share some of my d33pest secrets. stuff even those who are closest 2 me have no idea about. stuff like:
* I am addicted to chocolate
* I struggle a lot with self hatred and body image
* i hide a lot behind my words and quirky sense of humor (ok ive never said that out loud, but im sure anyone whoz read more than 2 of my blogs haz figured it out)
* i wish milow'z owner wuz as happy as milow is
today's blog is a confession and apology i guess i had hoped never to make.
ive always prided myself on being a good friend. i luv my friends. the only thing i enjoy more than spending time with my friends is knowing that ive been able to be there for and bless my friends (both rlfs and olfs).
sure im a bad christian. sure since college ive floundered in pretty much every aspect of life. and yeah im a total let-down as a son (just ask my m0m, she'll give u an earful on that topic).
friendship though? no complaints. no apologies. if i had to choose between (a) walking across the street to cure world hunger and (b) walking 1000 miles so that a friend could have a shoulder 2 cry on, my feet would have 1000 miles worth of blisters.
but make no mistake about it, my friend would have a shoulder 2 cry on.
i luv my friends.
that why what im about 2 say really hurts 2 say
i have a friend who i care deeply 4 but have a hard time being there 4.
shes been a gr8 friend 2 me. she'z been there 4 me. regularly comments on my blogs, leaves me gifts and really encouraging comments. sh3 blogs about life & she lives it 2 the fullest best as i can figure. she luvs her family very much. she'z endured an extremely tough change/loss in recent weeks.
*THE PROBLEM (MY PROBLEM, ACTUALLY)
there are two topics she blogs regularly about (1) marriage and (2) God's love. these are areas that have been nothing but sources of deep pain 4 me. marriage since i wuz born. God, in the last few years.
God apparently thought it would be funny to give me a mom who hated men. i woke up in the middle of the night to my parents fighting more than once or twice. there was always angry tension between the two of them. they acted really happy tho when company was over. After kicking her father and brother out of her life, after she and my dad stopped fighting/talking/communicating at all, i wuz the next male that my mom would take her anger with/hatred of men out on.
i see my friends getting married and think to myself, its such a shame. the fighting, the having to act "happy" around company that the 2 young "luv-birds" will have to go thru. you may say im cynical, i say fine maybe i am. i have nothing else to go on.
my single friends see me degenerate into a slightly more ugly angry nasty person with each passing wedding i attend. one of my best friends (of 15 years) once told me that i didnt have to come 2 his wedding if he got married (not out of frustration at my attitude, but a genuine sense of not wanting to put me through more pain). again a friend of 15 years.
hmm....maybe i shouldn't be so proud of my track record as a friend.
Not much to say here. became a christian a few years ago. if u read the bible u read about a god who can part seas, heal the blind/sick/lost and save souls for eternity.
in the real world He seems to be a shadow of His former self. i have been marginalized, insulted and betrayed more in the church by my "brothers"/"sisters" in Christ than i have by my non-Christian friends and co-workers in the real world. im a sinner for saying that, im sure (God hates pretty much everything i do, best as i can figure).
if i could please his Holiness, maybe i would try. im burnt out trying tho.
he adamantly demands that i honor my mother and father (5th commandment) and then gives me a mom who yells at me and treats me like a disappointment for most of my life (i cut off ties with my mom a few years back).
sure God, g00d luck w that. don't hold Ur breath.
i want to be able to share in the joy of a friends happy and fulfilling marriage. i want to be able to say "amen" or "praise God" or even "God bless" when she talks about what a blessing jesus is in her life....
but i cant.
she will write a masterpiece of a blog, sharing one of (or both of ) the most near and dear things in her life and the best that i can do is make a comment on a random daily status of her'z from 2 days ago. the 1000 mile walk would be easier.
yeah, its pathetic.....
but it really is the best i can do.
to my friend (u know who u r): im sorry i havent been a 6ood friend 2 u in recent months.
im sorry i cant b a friend 2 u when it comes to the areas of ur life that are most dear 2 u. i do read ur blogs even if i dont comment on them.
its not that i dont care about u. its just that what u write about, well............. i dont get.
i ask ur forgiveness.