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f3ar TH1S!!!!!!11

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

I think that there r things that w3 all fear above anything el5e:
* being alone/abandoned
* losing some1 or something that is dear 2 us
* Stacey and Clinton show up at an office function (cameras in tow) and w4lk toward us
* we find out that BRITNEY sang the telephone song, NOT lady g4g4
www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeFBDHhDkCg

i have 2 fears:

1) i will never hit 195
itz irrational. i just need 2 get my act 2gether

2) i hit 165-169 and still dont like what i see
this ones serious. its not the #s.

this has been how it has been 4 the last year or s0.
1. I lose 5-8 pounds
2. I like what i see
3. i stagnate
4. i start to become disatisfied with what i saw in step 2
5. r3peat steps 1-4

when i wuz in hi skool, i wuz even @ 160 and still really didn't like how i looked.

seriously. i remember being s0 happy when i wuz 203. i now weigh 200 and dont like the way i look.

i dont have the rlf support i once had. At 240, 'im going t lose 20 pounds' was met with 'g00d luck' and 'u can do it'.

now im getting asked if thats even possible (let alone reasonable).

i felt fat last time i wuz 195 (15% bf).

i dont know what else 2 say.

have u dealt with this or know some1 who has? how did u or they get past that?

i dunno

d00d

td out

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CALLIKIA 10/21/2010 5:46PM

    All I have to say is that you never know. I do know that this weight on me now looks totally different than it did coming on! So maybe you'll get to 195 and realize that you're looking better than the old you at 195. But, then again...never know till you try! ;)

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TANNERS 10/16/2010 8:46AM

    TD... the unknown is always scary. It is so much harder to have faith in ourselves compared to someone else. This journey is as much about learning to love ourselvse as it is to get healthier. Just know that I think you're awesome, and I want you to as well!!

P.S. yes, I have always feared Stacey and Clinton showing up at my office too

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KRAFTIJAN 10/14/2010 5:19AM

    I have yo yo-ed most of my life but just recently learnt that I 'm not very good with yo yos. emoticon
First step is to look at what you have achieved. And that's a hell of alot.( give yourself pat on back).Be happy with who you are not what you look like Or what others think you should look like. Make your goals smaller. and achieve more of them over time.. Slow and steady. We seem to forget that in most cases weight was gained slowly but we always want to lose it quickly. emoticon
Your doing ok so stand up tall;

( that's difficult for me cause I'm only 5-2 emoticon)

and take pride in who you are. There are many people out there that like what they see and many call themselves your friend. So what about you be a friend to yourself as well.
emoticon emoticon

A Jan

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MEADSBAY 10/13/2010 9:39PM

    SOSOSO much of this journey is in our heads.
On my sparkpage I posted a pic of when I was a 16 yr old new mother and weighed about 125 lbs and felt like a big fat cow. Then, for at least 10 years, from age 25 to about 35, I weighed 130- again- mooooooooooooooo!
Then for the next 20 years,
I dieted and yo-yo-ed my way up to 190! emoticon
Now- I would kill to get back down to 140-150. emoticon
We need to learn to love our bodies no matter what size we are!
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2+2+2 makes td SIX-y

Saturday, October 09, 2010

Beginning w8: 199
Goal: 195 by 1-nov
Last Week: 200.8
This week: 200.4

ok i know what ur all thinking (im a guy. i can read womenz' minds). ur thinkin:
* he cant really read minds
* what is happiness and how does one attain it
* why does every inert gas name end in "on".......EXCEPT HELIUM(dah duh DAHHHHHH)!!???
* how duz Dojo (aka "the ninja squirrel") stay alive without linda's help?
vimeo.com/1288254

seriously, if i wuz dojo'z sencee. I would b really upset and embarrassed (stoopid ninja squirrel. cant even eat a d*rn peanut).

but i digress.

i think the ?s that are on most of my regular blog readerz' minds is this
* with ur brillian w8 loss strategy, why are u gaining w8?

A fair ?. a tough ?, but a fair ?

my plan has been 4+ pronged
* make sparkpage all emo
* change my pr0file pic frequently
* make picturez scary
* talk all im-my (omg, lol, bff, etc)
* maybe sit with dojo and teach him/her the "wayz of the ziplock" ommmmmmmm

i think i need 2 step up the scariness of the pictures.

at the same time i suppose exercise couldn't hurt

OR COULD IT **(thunder crashes and lighning flashes)**???/

up, looks like i gotta close my windows. rains coming.

So here's my stratey with exercise:
2+2+2=TD= SIX-y

hi level:
Exercise 6 days a week
* 2 days upper body: Start with really light weights and up it about 5 pounds a week on all of my lifts (warm up on rowing machine)
* 2 days legs (warm up on exercise bike or eliptical):
* 2 days Pilates Classes (the new pilates teacher on thursday is both in da hizzy + off the chizzain)

My cardio/warm up will be 6 minutes per day, adding 1 minute per day every week.

I will push myself a little more each week, but i want to start slow and work up slowly.

i reserve the right to do a double session 1 day a week and make it 5 days if my schedule necessitates.

so that my plan.

d00d

td out.

***
ps etc isnt an internet term. lol

pss ok the pilates teacher is usually either 'off the chizzain' or 'in the hizzy' but not usually both. i couldnt handle that

psss im sorry i wuz mean to dojo earlier s/he'z g00d people.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CALLIKIA 10/21/2010 5:43PM

    Man, I forgot how fun your blogs were! And, btw (you like?), that first part = hilarity!!! Thanks for making me laugh! Now get back to friggin' work, dude. I don't know what day today is on that list, but you've got SOMETHING you need to be doing other than reading my blog comment!

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KRAFTIJAN 10/13/2010 6:13AM

    I have been told we speak a different language in Australia but you my friend have one all of your own. Having said that, I worked out that you are getting back on the exercise band wagon and there is something odd about your pilates teacher...

Glad that your doing some thing again and I'm sure your teacher is quite nice and as long as you're learning something and doing something does it really matter..That she /he is a bit odd...

Then I thought I read you're going do it all as an emu... but realized you said..im-my. Somehow I think emu is better. I have seen one of them and they make funny noises in their throat and have evil eyes...I will post a photo of one for you in the next couple of days.

Am so glad you are getting back into a routine. I'm sure you will feel so much better and the weight will start to move again..


emoticon A Jan

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DREAMFREQUENCY 10/12/2010 9:55PM

    That sounds like an awesome plan Trent, keep it up!

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RUNJEWELRUN 10/11/2010 5:04PM

    Keep going buddy :)

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AKELAZ 10/10/2010 6:19PM

    I so-o agree about the dictionary. It all gets more and more obscure and I get more and more confused. Good onyer, tho, if it helps, Whatever it takes! Rootin' for yer!!

PS -AND - pics certainly getting scarier!

Comment edited on: 10/10/2010 6:20:46 PM

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AZCUPCAKE 10/10/2010 11:21AM

    Go, Trent, GO! You are seriously bustin' the moves! You always knew you had it in ya, didn't you?! emoticon

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STEELKICKIN 10/9/2010 5:49PM

    Hey...it sounds like an awesome plan to me, TrentMan. You are doing awesomely wonderful so keep up the terrific work! Lovin' the positive attitude.

Case in point to my comment on your page....I GOT THIS! I UNDERSTOOD IT, SO THEREFORE I AM HIP! HIP, I tell ya, HIP!!
emoticon emoticon

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MEADSBAY 10/9/2010 8:14AM

    Apparently I need a dictionary of some sort.
emoticon

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confession and apology

Friday, October 01, 2010

*GREETINGZ!!!
hi

in my 14 months or so of blogging ive laid down some pretty h4rd hitting facts about myself. without a real prof pic ive been anonymously abl3 to share some of my d33pest secrets. stuff even those who are closest 2 me have no idea about. stuff like:
* I am addicted to chocolate
* I struggle a lot with self hatred and body image
* i hide a lot behind my words and quirky sense of humor (ok ive never said that out loud, but im sure anyone whoz read more than 2 of my blogs haz figured it out)
* i wish milow'z owner wuz as happy as milow is
www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWYgg-dKGmA

today's blog is a confession and apology i guess i had hoped never to make.

*BACKGROUND:
ive always prided myself on being a good friend. i luv my friends. the only thing i enjoy more than spending time with my friends is knowing that ive been able to be there for and bless my friends (both rlfs and olfs).

sure im a bad christian. sure since college ive floundered in pretty much every aspect of life. and yeah im a total let-down as a son (just ask my m0m, she'll give u an earful on that topic).

friendship though? no complaints. no apologies. if i had to choose between (a) walking across the street to cure world hunger and (b) walking 1000 miles so that a friend could have a shoulder 2 cry on, my feet would have 1000 miles worth of blisters.

but make no mistake about it, my friend would have a shoulder 2 cry on.

i luv my friends.

that why what im about 2 say really hurts 2 say

*CONFESSION
i have a friend who i care deeply 4 but have a hard time being there 4.

*MY FRIEND
shes been a gr8 friend 2 me. she'z been there 4 me. regularly comments on my blogs, leaves me gifts and really encouraging comments. sh3 blogs about life & she lives it 2 the fullest best as i can figure. she luvs her family very much. she'z endured an extremely tough change/loss in recent weeks.

*THE PROBLEM (MY PROBLEM, ACTUALLY)
there are two topics she blogs regularly about (1) marriage and (2) God's love. these are areas that have been nothing but sources of deep pain 4 me. marriage since i wuz born. God, in the last few years.

*MARRIAGE:
God apparently thought it would be funny to give me a mom who hated men. i woke up in the middle of the night to my parents fighting more than once or twice. there was always angry tension between the two of them. they acted really happy tho when company was over. After kicking her father and brother out of her life, after she and my dad stopped fighting/talking/communicating at all, i wuz the next male that my mom would take her anger with/hatred of men out on.

i see my friends getting married and think to myself, its such a shame. the fighting, the having to act "happy" around company that the 2 young "luv-birds" will have to go thru. you may say im cynical, i say fine maybe i am. i have nothing else to go on.

my single friends see me degenerate into a slightly more ugly angry nasty person with each passing wedding i attend. one of my best friends (of 15 years) once told me that i didnt have to come 2 his wedding if he got married (not out of frustration at my attitude, but a genuine sense of not wanting to put me through more pain). again a friend of 15 years.

hmm....maybe i shouldn't be so proud of my track record as a friend.

*GOD:
Not much to say here. became a christian a few years ago. if u read the bible u read about a god who can part seas, heal the blind/sick/lost and save souls for eternity.

in the real world He seems to be a shadow of His former self. i have been marginalized, insulted and betrayed more in the church by my "brothers"/"sisters" in Christ than i have by my non-Christian friends and co-workers in the real world. im a sinner for saying that, im sure (God hates pretty much everything i do, best as i can figure).

if i could please his Holiness, maybe i would try. im burnt out trying tho.

he adamantly demands that i honor my mother and father (5th commandment) and then gives me a mom who yells at me and treats me like a disappointment for most of my life (i cut off ties with my mom a few years back).

sure God, g00d luck w that. don't hold Ur breath.

*THE RESULT:
i want to be able to share in the joy of a friends happy and fulfilling marriage. i want to be able to say "amen" or "praise God" or even "God bless" when she talks about what a blessing jesus is in her life....

but i cant.

she will write a masterpiece of a blog, sharing one of (or both of ) the most near and dear things in her life and the best that i can do is make a comment on a random daily status of her'z from 2 days ago. the 1000 mile walk would be easier.

yeah, its pathetic.....

but it really is the best i can do.

*APOLOGY:
to my friend (u know who u r): im sorry i havent been a 6ood friend 2 u in recent months.
im sorry i cant b a friend 2 u when it comes to the areas of ur life that are most dear 2 u. i do read ur blogs even if i dont comment on them.

its not that i dont care about u. its just that what u write about, well............. i dont get.

i ask ur forgiveness.

regretz,

- Trent

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CMADSTYLE 11/29/2010 12:35PM

    This Blog is so real and so honest and so from the heart :) I Loved reading it! It sucks what you have been through! I have been through a lot growing up too! I just want you to know that you are a special person in my life and we have never even met! I know sometimes it feels like God is not on your side But he will always Love you T.D! Always! Just thought I would share that! Love Cynthia emoticon

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MARCYNA 10/13/2010 4:23AM

    Hi Trent, I really loved reading some of your entries...you are one of these persons I will never forget here on SP.
I won my addiction to chocolate and wanted to tell you that YOU CAN also if you want. emoticon emoticon

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AZCUPCAKE 10/5/2010 12:57PM

    Trent, you are just so ..... precious. A real person. A real friend. You have nothing to apologize for. EVER. Don't let the world make you feel like you are on the outside looking in. You have the 'smarts' of a very wise person. Your sensitivity to others is amazing and immeasurable. I hope you realize all of this about yourself someday - sooner rather than later! You are loved!

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RUNJEWELRUN 10/4/2010 7:33PM

    Confession-I am addicted to the same things :)
I think more people than you think struggle with family issues and God issues. I still deal with issues related from my Mom and she passed.
I don't know what friend you are referring to, but we are all here for you :)
I just wanted to see a real pic to put a real face to your awesome blog.
Lots of love,
Jewel :)

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DREAMFREQUENCY 10/2/2010 11:48PM

    Don't be so hard on yourself. Parents can be cruel, but don't listen to what your mom said to you, because you are a really great person. My mom was awful to me growing up, to the point where I have such a f'ed up image of myself, and had an eating disorder for 5 years. But then I realized I'm my own person, and I can't let her control me, especially if it's so self destructive, because I'm worth more than that. And so are you.

I hope you realize how you've touched a lot of people on this site. Myself included, and it was just from a random comment you made on one of my blogs. Hang in there, and try not to dwell on these things. Sometimes over thinking, can make situations a lot worse than they ought to be.


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TANNERS 10/2/2010 10:30AM

    Trent,
This blog is so honest and personal, I don't even really know if I should comment on it, but there are some things I want you to keep in mind. Being yourself is the one true gift that you can give of yourself as a friend. You are only a person and aren't expected to be perfect. Our flaws and hardship in life bring us wisdom which help us to guide our friends. Just because you can't understand or relate to a friend, doesn't make you a bad friend. I have a picture hanging in my house that says, "A friend is someone who helps you when you are down, and if they can't they lay down beside you and listen." Don't discount what you do or your quality as a friend. We don't always have all the answers in life, but there are many times when having someone there for us is way more important than solving the issue. When I was going thru my divorce and the darkest time of my life, my best friend had never been thru the situation. Regardless, she stood by me and listened and loved me, and I will never forget it and forever love her for it. Without her, I truly believe I would not have survived it. I guess my point is that we all come from different walks of life, and just because you don't walk on my path doesn't mean that you can't be my bestest friend.

As far as your mom goes, society makes it seem as though we should all have these ideal parents who love us unconditionally and help us navigate life. Let's be real though... some of us get the short end of that stick. I know I have, and I'm sorry to hear that you have as well. I know its hard not to let the emotional beatings get to you, but you are an amazing person!! Your kind words and relentless support are amazing. I look up to you as the type of sparkfriend that I should be. I feel so sorry for your mom that she can't see the strong, compassionate son that she has in her life. I feel even more sorry though, if you don't realize it.

Life is hard TD, and you are clearly realizing that right now. When we are so hard on ourselves, that makes life even harder. In regards to your friend and his weddding, you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. Instead, you should feel fortunate to have a friend who loves you so much, that they put you before themselve. That's not the type of friend you find everyday.

TD, I know myself as well as many of your sparkfriends adore you. I know you are going thru a dark, hard time right now, as we all do. Just try not to be too hard on yourself. If only you could see the TD that we see...

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YW84FRIDAY 10/1/2010 9:36PM

  It's hard to get past those problems. Seriously. I've been married twice and divorced twice. Ain't going there again because I don't want to inherit anymore in-laws, out-laws, half-wit brothers or sisters, ex-wives from hell or the loyal offspring thereof.

I've been through a lot of crap and some of it from people who profess Christ. I just try to keep it real. I am who I am. I know God loves me. I don't try to push it on people, but I'm not afraid to say what I believe either.

I hope things work out for you. Thanks for reading my blog and commenting on it.

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STEELKICKIN 10/1/2010 9:21PM

    Please read your goodie, dear sweet friend....

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LYNNDE65 10/1/2010 9:13PM

    {{{Hugs}}} Sounds like you could really use one of these right now.

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weird dream

Monday, September 27, 2010

preface:
im not much of a football fan and i know that dreams are usually symbolic not literal. i bring this dream up bc i have 2 friends who are steelers fans.

this blog is pointed specifically to 2 friends of mine.

dream:
i dreamed that i was in the pittsburgh area and i was listening to 2 people on the radio talking about how the dallas cowboys were heavily favored to win a football game (70 points). their opponents were not mentioned.

l8r in the dream i stopped at a random house in Pittsburgh and was having dinner with a family and there was a football game on the tv in the living room. dallas was winning the game by almost 200 points.

i then noticed that the other team was wearing black uniforms and then noticed the yellow and white trim and it occurred to me that the cowboys were playing the steelers. i immediately thought of one of my sparkfriends. I wanted to let the family know that I was sorry for them.

again, i dont think that this is a literal dream that the cowboys are going to beat the steelers. i just know that things in my dreams are usually symbolic of people in and aspects of my life. so im kind of concerned.

The Steelers are something very close to my two friends' hearts so I worry that they may be going through something or in the process of losing something dear 2 them.

if u have any ?s about the dream please feel free to ask.

just wanted to share.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUNJEWELRUN 9/29/2010 12:48PM

    Dreams are powerful. I hope you were able to talk to your friends.

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KRITKRIT 9/28/2010 11:05AM

    I also believe in the power of dreams. You're a special person for being able to look into things deeper. I know you will be there for your friends so I dont even need to say it.

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LIFESANATTITUDE 9/28/2010 10:58AM

    I'm dreaming lately too...of a trip to the SuperBowl! GO BEARS! =~)
...............................
..................Just sayin'!!!..........................
...............................
.....
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LYNNDE65 9/28/2010 7:45AM

    I am not a football fan either, but I do believe in the power of dreams. I have had dreams that have come true, and believe if we concentrate on a subject before falling asleep at night we have the "power" to make those dreams come true.

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STEELKICKIN 9/27/2010 9:13PM

    Wow!!! 200 points??? Nevah!!

But I do have to say that you were dead-on with one of your Steeler friends. You know what is going on with me now. So maybe you were picking up with my inner struggle as of late?? It's pretty awesome about the power of dreams. They pick up on your inner thoughts/feelings/perceptions that we're not consciously aware of. I am just amazed with your observation.

As far as the Cowboy/Steeler rivalry, anybody that is not on the Steelers team is a rival. They are not exactly the team most other teams would sit down to have a luncheon with. Off field, Polamalu and Ward are two of the nicest people in the world. On field, hold onto your britches because they will take you down and accept the penalty.

I think you are very...what's the word..."aware" and perceptive of what those who care about you are going through. Like me, you are blessed with the ability to "feel" things. Unexplainable, but yet, you have that "gift" don't you??

Comment edited on: 9/27/2010 9:13:46 PM

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LADYJAKE1 9/27/2010 6:48PM

    I had a dream about black and yellow bees...I looked it up and it said, if you dream of bees something is aggravating you...I wonder if the colors are symbolic of the bees at all... emoticon

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today im 19......(p4rt 5 or 6. not sure)

Saturday, September 25, 2010

today im 19......

goal 195
last week 198.6
this week 199.2
(+0.6) meh

this week were totally going 2 kill it. iam not going to have wasted this 6 weekz talking like a txt addicted college student to have that scale say an oz more than 195. this will work.

i recap my goalz:
* dark emo sparkpag3 (check)

* delta the profile pic cada s3mana (ch3ck)

* make prof pix reely scareey (werewolf makes ominous "aroooooooooo" noise. Trent must have 4gotten to feed him again) check

* write like an add highschool student (ch3ck!!11 lol)

* maybe do the merengue WITH 4 DOG!!!!!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MUhb00kiXs&
feature=related

(mayb3)

u will note that this week im using a ghost 4 A PROF PIC. hope that thatz not 2 scary.

well c. gotta g0 feed th wolf.

d00d

td out

ps i cant wait 2 start talking normally again lol

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KRITKRIT 9/27/2010 12:12PM

    ps i cant wait 2 start talking normally again lol"

Me either! I have to think too much when trying to decipher what you are saying!!! lol jk!



emoticon

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LIFESANATTITUDE 9/25/2010 12:24PM

    Ur 2 fun33! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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