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191 by 9.11!! (11 Weeks to Go)

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Goal: 191 pounds by 09.11.2010
Last Week: 202.0
This Week: 203.2
Delta: (+1.2)

No surprise there. My eating has been totally out of control this week. Third straight gain in a row. Kind of frustrating.

That being said, I am still less than four pounds away from being below 200. This means that I could healthfully be there in two weeks. Therefore, in addition to my 3 pillars of "191 by 9.11!!", I'm going to try an experiment.

Replace doughnuts, chocolate and other sugar/carb junk food with WholeGrains:
* Whole wheat pasta
* Brown or wild rice.
* Cereals that are free of high fructose corn syrup (Bye FiberOne and Total!!).
* Whole wheat bread
* Any suggestions from fellow Sparkie Friends who I love very much.

Shooting for 4-6 servings per day. I already eat some, but I didn't realize how few until I started tracking.

I know that I'm eating more because of stress so I've got to figure out how to handle that. At the same time, I'm wondering how much of it is a physical addiction to sugar and carbs (or how much that's playing into it).

I'm also not going to weigh myself next Saturday (my mid week weigh-ins won't happen either). I want to focus on what making good food choices will yield. I believe that two weeks of good eating can get me below 200 and that's what I'm shooting fer.

My next weigh-in will be 07.10.2010. That's when I start my BL themed weigh-ins. I love doing those.

191 by 9.11!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SROBBINS02 7/13/2010 6:28PM

    How are you getting on? As I'm so able to say to other people.... please, please don't beat yourself up for not being perfect (NB- hypocrite cow mode from last post is still on!) emoticon

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HICALGAL 6/30/2010 4:09AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

ps...thanks so much for your support on my latest blog....it meant a lot to me. i'm here for you too. hugs x 100

Comment edited on: 6/30/2010 4:34:38 AM

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1DEBIE1 6/28/2010 5:58PM

    Oh PARDON ME, Mr. Trent. You BARELY gained a pound and you're STILL eating donuts and chocolate?????? Dude, I am SO trying not to be all sad and bitter over here.

Yeah, I'm sure if you cut out the crap food, you'll lose like 5#s instantly!!

Let me know, and sorry for getting back to you so latte...er....late...hahahaha

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MEADSBAY 6/26/2010 9:19PM

    Good ideas- may I suggest you eat a lot of lean protein- egg whites, Greek yogurt, cottage or ricotta cheese...
That will help you feel full.
emoticon

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AKELAZ 6/26/2010 7:10PM

    Being very good to yourself and putting good things into your body is great. You can and will make all of this come good and resisting the scales for a while will take a lot of pressure off you which should help considerably. Go for all that healthy eating my dear friend - this WILL be OK. emoticon emoticon

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STEELKICKIN 6/26/2010 2:01PM

    When I switched to whole wheat stuff and brown rice, you WOULD NOT BELIEVE THE DIFFERENCE it made for me. It seems that the white stuff just kept those nagging pounds on me and I was constantly struggling with flabby spots. My daughter is actually the one who said, "Mom, you eat way too much white foods. Let's try this..." and it worked. You have to be strict with yourself. At first it was difficult but now I won't eat anything else.

To be honest with you, Trent, it helped my mood swings, too. Sugar and starches will play havoc with you and I'm not as temperamental as I used to be. Go for it...I'm backing you up. I think this may be the key you're looking for....

emoticon

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AZCUPCAKE 6/26/2010 12:39PM

    You have a good plan. Weighing in every week can be constricting, and it is good to take a break from it occasionally. You know where you are going and how to get there, and you are good at sticking to your plan....eating healthfully will be a good focus and will perhaps alleviate some of the stress that you feel. Taking care of yourself is always necessary, and I feel like you are pulling out of your 'burnout' stage with the revisions and modifications you are willing and able to make.

191 by 9.11!!

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WATCH_IT_BREAK 6/26/2010 12:22PM

    I gained about 5-6 pounds from vacation and birthdays/graduations/weddings/fami
ly gatherings/barbeques with friends/etc... this month has been a nightmare! So I totally feel you on the frustration of gaining. It looks like you've got a good plan for tackling it, though.

Good luck!! I'm pulling for you! emoticon emoticon

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Burning Out

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I guess this is the blog that I hoped never to write.

I can't stop eating. I really hate myself for this. It started a few weeks ago when I really started exercising more. I thought that my hunger would subside and that I would be able to slow down, but it's not happening. I Just keep eating and eating and eating and eating and....well, you get the picture. Why can't I stop eating? I really hate myself for this....

I hate my body. I really do. 46 pounds total lost and I still look like a typical fat American. Ticks me off. I've been working out for awhile now and my body fat ratio sticks right around 21% give or take. I'm afraid that I could lose another 35 pounds, be at the bottom of my healthy body weight range and am still going to hate what I see in the mirror. Why bother? I hate my body. Hate it hate it hate it.

I hate chocolate. I can't stop eating it, but I totally hate it. I say to myself that I will try to limit consumption, but then two candy bars later.....then the next day. Then the next day. Then the next day. I hate chocolate. I can't stop eating it, but I totally hate it.

I hate my weight. I'm stuck at another 2-3 pound range. The scale once again said 205 this morning. I want to be 191 pounds by mid September. I don't want to do the same as last time. Hang at the same weight for 7 frickin weeks, have to play catch up and then miss my goal. I just don't know what to do about it. I can't stop eating (chocolate and in general). I hate my weight.

Honestly, I'm just kind of tired of life at this point. I'm burning out. I don't know what to do. I'm stuck. I'm burning out.

I really don't care anymore. I want 191 by 9.11. I will do what ever it takes, no matter what. If I have to abuse my body through excess workout, so be it. I don't care. If I have to take appetite suppressants,I don't care. Starve myself? Oh, if only I could at this point. If only I could. There is nothing at this point that is off the table.

Copy that? Nothing.

I'm sick of my life as it is. Sick of missing goals. Sick of being fat. Sick of not having control over my weight. Sick of losing weight and still hating my body.

I'm sick of it.

I'm really just sick of it all.

191 by 9.11!!

-TD Out

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SROBBINS02 7/13/2010 6:25PM

    I'm going to be a complete preachy hypocritical cow right now. *preachy hypocrite mode on*

Unless you're (not Mr TD specifically, a general, preachy 'you') at least content inside, there's absolutely no chance at all that you will be happy with the other crap that contributes. It's a zero-sum equation. The bits that contribute to the mystical '42', the meaning of life, change from person to person, and the really tough bit is figuring out what those bits are for YOU, in what ratios. Once that bit's achieved... the getting there part is relatively simple. Relatively. Might reserve the right to certain limitations with that statement too.

God, I hate me sometimes! Why is it so easy to say these things, and not to do them??

I hope a fair part of your sum-to-equal-42 is achieved by how absolutely great you are. You're an amazing friend, warm, funny, supportive; I aspire to be you! But a you that's allowed to wear my beautiful shoe collection. Yes. emoticon

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INFLATED 6/25/2010 10:37PM

    "My fear has always been that I would run into her and I would be the fat, single loser ex-boyfriend and that I would be introduced to her dashing lean successful boyfriend/husband. She would be in great shape and all of her efforts to spare my feelings wouldn't hide her countenance, a mixture of pity and of thankfulness that she didn't settle for me."

I think perhaps seeing her again, even though you are not fat or a loser, may have triggered something in you that lets you excuse your behavior with the chocolate. Since she is wearing a ring and with another don't become a self-fulfilling prophecy of what you wrote.

Plan in your candy, at least you will be dealing with it that way. Life is not about cutting out the things we enjoy. Also remember that your weight loss is for you, not to one-up someone else.

This is from a woman's perspective. I do believe that men and women think differently. When I was young, I dated some men that were very good-looking. I did not have the self-esteem to think that I was pretty enough for them to stay with me and in the back of my mind, I felt like they were with me until they could find someone prettier.
My husband of 32 years and I met and there was not what I would call the "animal magnetism" of looks as a draw for us to be together. He had a sense of humor that I liked and was drawn to, we had fun when we were together and we still do.

I hope you don't resort to fast-track weight-loss of diet pills, starving yourself, etc. You will not do yourself any good that way. Lifestyle changes are not about fast fixes. The lessons we learn as we face the problems we go through to lose weight are what helps us to keep the weight off when we get to our goal.





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AZCUPCAKE 6/25/2010 7:49PM

    Oh my God, stop reading my mind and then writing exactly what is going on with ME. It is a self-sabotage issue, if you ask me. As soon as you see some results, it is as if some 'warning siren' goes off -- the fear of success. I have been re-examining all of my "talk" about watching my calories, fat, exercising, and I am downright ashamed of myself for not being able to follow my own guidelines for longer than 2-3 days at a time. PATHETIC. I am seriously looking into going on Medifast....I am seriously depressed about my inability to stick to my knitting! I need someone or someTHING to be accountable to. In an "official" sort of way. I obviously cannot be my own best keeper. I need a kick in the pants from someone other than myself, because I am USED to kicking myself in the pants -- it doesn't help me out anymore -- I don't feel the pain from my own kicks anymore!

Please don't give up hope -- you have hit a rough patch of highway, but just keep breathing, you will get through this. You will. You are looking at yourself in a circus funhouse mirror, and the image you are seeing right now is not REAL. It is not the real TRENT. The REAL Trent is a strong, physically attractive man who is getting healthy and getting healthy the right way....the right way takes awhile. The right way will STICK. But it takes AWHILE.

Don't get down on yourself, my friend! You are way ahead of the game, you just need to stop beating yourself up! emoticon emoticon

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LEMONSMILES 6/25/2010 7:45PM

    Hi Trent,
Thank you for supporting me on my blog.
You know I couldn't read all of your blog because it made my heart sink every time you said hate, hate & hate again and then eat, eat, and eat. 'I' felt depressed for you.

Things aren't always as bad as they seem, Plus like attracts like. What I mean is; if you are going to be so down on yourself this is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You are going to MAKE yourself fat because one doesn't think they are worth it - hence hating oneself. My advice, if I may, is if you are able, go to a counselor, and talk this through because it's not just about appearance, self-loathing I mean, it can go much deeper. At least it did for me.

I lost weight last year and felt wonderful about so many things but life can be about so many other very deep seated issues too, (as you already know), and perhaps this is why you seem to be punishing yourself. As I once heard which is so true for me anyway - "We are eating our emotions"

I hope you are okay Trent because it sounds as though you aren't - and you need someone to help you through this - someone who loves you, and can support you. Is there a photo of you on your page? Maybe others can tell you how handsome they think you are and support you this way to? God bless Victoria emoticon

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CLEVAGAL 6/25/2010 3:58AM

    dude........I cant believe how it is for you at the moment. It sucks a$$!!!! Theres nothing I can say that hasnt been said so just relax and go with the flow you will do what you need to do. Listen to your body. Cleva xxx

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GINGERLY4 6/24/2010 9:38PM

    So you have just admitted that you are...human! Keep at it and realize that everything in life is a phase and ultimately it's not the numbers on the scale that makes us happy, but how we live our life and how we impact others. From your posts, I'd say you impact a lot of people.

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TANNERS 6/24/2010 9:17PM

    Trent, I just want you to know that we all love you. You are the rock for all of us. It's ok to be frustrated, but think about what you would tell us if you read this in one of our blogs. Get it all out.. we'll be here for you!

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HICALGAL 6/24/2010 1:35PM

    i hear ya and totally understand and feel your frustration. take some time to chill if you need to and when you're ready to resume where you left off, we'll be here for you, like you've been for us.

i only ask of one thing...Trent's special and one of a kind, so please....treat him with the love and care that he needs and deserves especially now.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TIMETOMOVEON 6/24/2010 4:53AM

    You are running around in a circle. Chocolate, weight and hate. You need to rid yourself of the word hate. Look in your mirror every day and tell yourself you love you. Keep on doing it every day till you believe it. Hating yourself is not worth it and takes up so much energy and time. You are a good person so focus on all your positive attributes. Refocus and aim for your goal. It is not the end of the world if you don't make it by that date. What is important is trying every day. All of us fail but we get up and try try again.

Personally I can't have chocolate in the house or I will pig out on it. Right now I'm having trouble with the food but each day I try again and believe I will eventually reach my goal. Some days are down right hard and yes I fail but I will not give up.

It is good you wrote out your feelings, now you can slowly change them. By the way you can do it, look how far you have come. emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/24/2010 4:55:35 AM

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AKELAZ 6/23/2010 9:26PM

    I really could have written this blog myself – I so know how you feel and truly I sympathise. But you need a reality check here – you can’t by any stretch of the imagination look the same now as you did 46 pounds ago – you are seeing a distorted phantom – a larger you than is accurate when you look in the mirror and you need to to adjust that in your head. You have said yourself that you are wearing smaller size pants – that tells you something real about your loss. You’ve done so well – don’t throw it away now for the sake of an obsession with 191 by 9.11!! I see that you won’t believe this but the world will not come to an end if you don’t make it by then. What you are doing is over-pressurising yourself.

Actually even though you could totally reach your goal by over-exercising, starving or taking pills how realistic would that actually be? The pounds would return in no time and then you’d be even more angry and disappointed.

The last few pounds are always the worst and the hardest. You may just need to accept that they won’t be gone by 9.11 but eating yourself back up the scale is just NOT the way to go.

Hate your body – sick of it all? These thoughts are telling you something that only you can understand. You hate your body and you hate chocolate so you punish your body with chocolate – not helpful and I wonder what it means.

Take a deep breath - give yourself a day off – no obsessing – no extreme exercise – no focus on 9.11 – and preferably no chocolate. Then regroup and start over. You need to be kinder to yourself and possibly to your body – fill it with healthy food and be nice to it – no extremes – just kindness. You really deserve kindness – you help and inspire so many of us with your deep thoughtfulness and care – why should you be any different towards yourself?

It will come good if you just hang in there – just don’t let yourself down after all this work when you’re so close to your perfectly reasonable goal – PLEASE.

BIG BIG emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/23/2010 9:41:23 PM

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MEADSBAY 6/23/2010 9:00PM

    One effin day at a time, Bud.
That's all we can do.
It's only a number-
it's not who you are!
Breathe.
emoticon

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FITGRL124 6/23/2010 8:32PM

    Oh my - first of all you really need to stop beating yourself up over this. You're goal is absolutely doable and you can make it there. Okay...so you've had a few bad weeks...I think you should throw out every bad thing in your house, including any candy bars, ice cream, etc. If it isn't there than you won't be tempted to eat it. Don't stop at the convenience store on the way home either...that can be the worst!! Go back to planning your meals and keep exercising. You'll reach 191 by 9.11. Have faith and keep trying!

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ZOE13O 6/23/2010 8:16PM

    Reading your blog.....your goal is realistic, you know what you have to do, and you have come SO far! Why kick yourself now?! YOU CAN DO IT! Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and tomorrow is a new day! Sit down and write what you will eat tomorrow, pack it up and that's what you eat. Set a "date" with yourself for your exercise, and think how AWESOME you will feel at the end of the day. Your cravings are because you have maybe been too strict with yourself. Don't deprive yourself of something, just remember portion control. I am a chocoholic and the best tip anyone ever gave me - buy yourself a bag of good chocolate ( I personally love Dove), throw the bag in the freezer and give yourself one a day. Frozen they take longer to eat and you can savor the flavor and you never feel deprived. I have faith in you - emoticon

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Because "Light Grey" is the New "White"

Sunday, June 20, 2010

A very dear SparkFriend of mine who I love very much posted a blog about a funeral that she attended for a former neighbour and good friend of hers. He was a good man. He was a fun man. He lived very large. He ate a lot of unhealthy foods. He drank a lot.

Sadly, he died prematurely as a result. I weep for his family.

Let's face it, when we see someone die young (or face life-long/terminal illnesses) for not so good health choices, we invariably start to ask ourselves the hard questions (no funny YouTube clip on this one):
* Will/Could this happen to me if I don't turn around?
* What choices am I making that could lead to this for me?
* What do I need to or can I do to avoid this?

Now the intelligent person knows that if they continue a life of poor eating and over-indulgence on high fat foods, low nutrients, simple carbs, etc. they face a good possibility/probability of such a death.

They know that they can, in theory, totally turn around and eat nothing but the healthiest foods and never indulge for the rest of their life and probably prolong their life by a good chunk of time. But is that realistic?

What is the balance? Where should the line be drawn that would balance the two?

I say it shouldn't. I say choose "Light Grey"

A line creates a black and white scenario. "White" is a life of nothing but healthy, totally clean eating (indulgence free). Totally void of any ANY "bad" foods. "Black" is all double cheeseburgers, Twinkies and non-diet sodas (or the like).

"Light Grey" to me represents a general transition in from "Black" to "White". It means making changes in one's diet and exercise lifestyle one-by-one. Doing it over time until eventually one desires to eat clean and healthy. For the most part one will do just that. For the most part.

At the same time, one will go on vacation or a cruise with a buffet. One will be in a scenario where the office brings lunch with limited healthy options. One will attend a very well catered wedding reception. Even some of my cardio class teachers admit that they sometimes indulge, especially around the holidays (Before SP this used to really annoy me because I thought that they were just trying to "be like us" in saying that, but I get it now).

A big Thanksgiving meal and Christmas dinner with one day of indulgence between them will add up to 3 not-so-healthy heavy eating days out of about 60 for November and December combined. That's about 57 less days for me than before joining SP.

Unless your doctor/nutritionist is telling you that you need full score "White", I say go for "light grey". Make it a goal to live a life of predominantly healthy eating and exercising. Get your body to crave healthy nutrients and a good workout. Don't draw a line saying, "I can't eat this" or "I can only have 1 of this" as a regular habit (Unless of course you have addictions to said food or drink). Yes, there are times where saying these things are helpful, but not always always.

I ask you the vending machine questions:

Scenario: A person is at a vending machine and wants to buy a snack but knows that it's not "good for them"....

1) If for the rest of the week said person has eaten mostly lean proteins, healthy fats, 7-9 fruits and vegetables, lean dairy and healthy whole grains, how bad would one candy bar a week be for them, assuming no addiction to chocolate?

2) If for the rest of the week that person ate nothing but fattening meats/dairy, All processed and refined carbs, a lot of chocolate and no fruits or vegetables, how much good would not buying the offending snack do them?

I say strive for "light grey"

191 by 9.11!!

- TD Out

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ILLINITEACHER52 6/21/2010 3:54PM

  Sounds good to me!

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AZCUPCAKE 6/21/2010 1:44PM

    I like your analogy! Life is really not black or white, and light grey "goes" with so many other things! It is too easy to get "pure white" dirty, and then we count that as FAILURE. I am putting my light grey power polo shirt on right now! emoticon emoticon

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HICALGAL 6/21/2010 3:21AM

    great attitude! most of the time i eat with my health in mind. sometimes it's out of sheer enjoyment like the 'low fat' black cherry and chocolate chip frozen yogurt that has a permanent home in my freezer and nothing's wrong with that.

eating should be enjoyed without the obsessiveness about the dos and don'ts. if we ate with nutrition and health in mind most of the time (which i think we all have the potential but ignore and instead listen to our tongues), allow for indulgences (within reason and without the guilt), eat when hungry, stop when full...we wouldn't have half the eating disorders and eating would be a pleasure and not something to be worried about. emoticon emoticon

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STEELKICKIN 6/20/2010 11:31PM

    THIS IS SOOO AWESOME! Have you ever been told that you have a total knack for writing?? What you say makes so much sense. Impressive. I've always believed that a black and white approach is not good for ANYTHING...there has to be some kind of middle ground. You hit the nail on the head. And then you drove it HOME! Love it, love it, love it!

BIG HUGS for you. BIIIIIIG ones.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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LESSOFJEN 6/20/2010 2:44PM

    I agree light grey is the way to go!

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AKELAZ 6/20/2010 2:34PM

    So 'light grey' IS the secret of the universe!

WOW TD!! Love your blog - so thorough - so thoughtful. Love YOU for sorting me out. I was kinda proud of my excessive lifestyle (coached by my friend really) but knew it couldn't go on - I'm lucky to have survived thus far without any major health problems. You have made me see that there is a bearable way forward - the 'light grey' way. Thanks a zillion.

BIG BIG emoticon

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DEBJNC 6/20/2010 1:56PM

    I totally agree with your thinking. You know what? I am 53 years old and I don't want to live the rest of my life without having a piece of chocolate cake on my birthday or a bowl of ice cream on a hot summer night. I love healthy foods and I eat them the majority of the time. But I am not going into the last half of my life denying denying denying. It's just not worth it to me!

Thanks for sharing!

Debbie

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GWENFITNESS1ST 6/20/2010 12:57PM

    Very interesting. This fits with the 80% "rule" where you follow the guidelines 80% of the time! I agree with you about light grey. emoticon

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191 by 9.11!! (12 Weeks to Go)

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Goal: [191 pounds by 09.11.2010]

Last Week: 201.6
This Week: 202.0
Delta: +0.4
Remaining: 11 pounds||12 weeks (Totally doable)

Summary:
Second straight week of a half pound gain. Second week of really heavy eating for the first 3 days and catching up the rest of the week. I was almost 205 at midweek.

What's making this really hard is that I am very happy with where I am. 10 pounds ago I was very dissatisfied with myself physically. I didn't like the way I looked and any exercise made me tired. Now I'm working my way up time and intensity-wise and feeling great. I need to go to the beach more. Maybe that would jolt me.

I'm still only two pounds away from the 190's. I believe that I could easily be there next week. If not easily the week after. I know, I've been saying that for three weeks now. This time though......

I'm going to strategize this morning. I may post a blog tomorrow.

110c:
Did 73 minutes this week. 15 minutes of Kick boxing on Sunday and a 20 minute interval session on Friday (elliptical the rest). I'm going up to 80 This week. I am going to shoot for three 20 minute sessions and two 10 minute ones followed by weights. Eating and strength training are still going to have the most impact at this point.

se7en:
ate 2-3 fruits and vegetables every day. I'm going to try to do the same this week. I think I'll buy 6 days worth of tomatoes. I want to get my body really used to them. I hear that there are great health benefits to them

FCDA:
Didn't do enough of this earlier this week. Did well later this week. I actually followed the diet itself Thursday and Friday and my appetite was practicably non-existent (especially in the evening).

191 by 9.11!!

- TD Out

p.s. Again, thank you to everyone who commented on my last blog. I love you all!!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TANNERS 6/21/2010 9:53AM

    Your fellow Sparkers are lucky to have you! You help us and make us think in ways like no other.

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AKELAZ 6/20/2010 2:46AM

    HEY! You're doing good - reflecting on and finding what's good for you is definitely the way forward - and inspiring the rest of us to do the same. Personalise the journey - a few pounds more or less are just not the most important thing at this stage - happiness and confidence and FUN are where it's at. Go rock'em on the beach in the meantime! emoticon emoticon

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FITGRL124 6/19/2010 10:10PM

    Your attitude is like no other! Thank you for helping to inspire me! Our conversation yesterday really allowed me to think and today...I'm working toward a whole new me! (See today's blog for details). emoticon

113 by 2.13

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LESSOFJEN 6/19/2010 7:30PM

    sometimes I think we are better off staying a bit over if that is where we are happy and where our bodies seem to keep us at...you are doing good either way! emoticon

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AZCUPCAKE 6/19/2010 6:42PM

    I LOVE this attitude you have of being happy in your own skin and feeling empowered and encouraged by the intensity of your workouts. You are so much more in control of your plan than you were even one short MONTH ago, and it really shows! Next time you go to the beach, you will definitely feel better about where you are and where you want to be! I am so proud of you, and how far you have come in such a short time! (It may not FEEL like a short time for you, but it hasn't been THAT long!) emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MGAYLE 6/19/2010 6:26AM

    Thanks for sharing your true feelings through this journey. You have inspired me and countless others. Keep the faith and keep moving straight ahead!

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Don't Turn Away....Dry You Eyes. Dry Your Eyes.

Monday, June 14, 2010

** Listening to "Belle of the Boulevard" by Dashboard Confessional as I write this.**

Deep down, I think we all want to believe that we are above certain thoughts, feelings and silly mind games when it comes to unfortunate chance reunions with exes. If we're realistic though, we're really kind of not. At least I'm not. I'm totally not.

BACKGROUND:

To this day she is the only girl I can honestly say that I've ever truly loved.

We met on a cold Saturday night in January. When I say that I loved her, I don't just mean that I had strong feelings for her emotionally (though there certainly was that). She is the only girl that I would have given my life and hand in marriage to. My love was anything but unrequited by her. Tears of joy form in the corner of my eyes at just the thought of her.

When she was facing the possibility of surgery that would have rendered her immobile for at least a year and a half, I made a vow to myself that I would stick it out with her. She was adamant that we would split up (She didn't want to burden me). While I would have ultimately let her break up with me, I wouldn't let it happen without a major fight (and many tears). It would have had to have been her call.

Unfortunately, I did not meet her parents' expectation. They were polite to my face, but they were overtly trying to find a husband for her even when we were dating. My family situation was not good then. In order to cope, I kept her out of my family's Christmas situation. She blew up at me a few days after for that. She wanted to spend Christmas with me and my family.

It was at that point, I had to face the harshest and saddest reality that I ever had to and probably ever will have to.

I couldn't stop her mom and dad's pecking at her. I couldn't make her happy. She needed something that I couldn't give her. I couldn't and wouldn't be the perennially inferior-good son in law.

I broke up with her on a sunny Saturday March morning barely a year after we first met. Tears of sorrow well up in my eyes as I remember that morning. It was the most painful day of my entire life, but I wouldn't give it up for all the money in the world if by doing so I would have to give up the previous year. The pain was more than worth it. It took me a few years to truly get over her, but it was more than worth it. SHE was more than worth it.

To this day she is the only girl I can honestly say that I've ever truly loved.

PRESENT:

My fear has always been that I would run into her and I would be the fat, single loser ex-boyfriend and that I would be introduced to her dashing lean successful boyfriend/husband. She would be in great shape and all of her efforts to spare my feelings wouldn't hide her countenance, a mixture of pity and of thankfulness that she didn't settle for me.

Irrational fear? Perhaps. But no less real.

So, I was at the museum with a female friend of mine (just a friend) a few days ago. Out of nowhere I hear a totally unfamiliar voice say "Trent?". I turn around and see a face that I totally don't recognize at first. Then it hit me.....

It was her. Ring on left hand!

I now weigh 25 pounds less than when we met and 35 less than when we broke up. She had the classic, "I let myself go post honeymoon" look. While I have to tip my hat to the fact that she's married, my friend made it very clear to me later that I was definitely more handsome than him. While I introduced my friend (who is extremely attractive, I might add) to her, I never introduced her as just a friend. I let my ex's imagination run wild on that one.

Please understand, it was not about 1-upping her. It was more about not getting totally 1-upped. I sincerely hope that she's well. For her, I hope that their marriage is going well and that they live happily ever after.

I hope that if she is unhappy with her health or how she looks that she joins SparkPeople tomorrow and enjoys twice the success as I have. I hope that she lives a very long healthy, happy and whole life.

Heck, if could die tomorrow to buy her but one more day on Earth, this would be my last blog post with no regrets.

BOTTOM LINE:

My fear never came true. I wasn't the fat, single loser ex-boyfriend. I was the lean handsome ex-boyfriend with an attractive girl by my side. Thank you SparkPeople!!!

I was the one that got away, the one that she let slip away.......

much like she is to me. *disappointed sigh*

(long somber pause)

Did I mention that to this day she is the only.....

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUNJEWELRUN 6/17/2010 1:30PM

    Daaaammmmmnnnn Trent! That was real deep right there. I am so sorry that you had that happen to you. Please keep looking forward. Maybe one day, you will be able to open your heart to another(one who is just right for you).
I feel you on the letting people know about sparkpeople(at this point, I wonder what it being transmitted into a person's brain when I casually mention it to them).
I always wondered why people gained weight after they got married, maybe its because they have the attitude "Oh, well I got you now, you aren't going anywhere" thing. I am not sure.
Just keep doing you, and pushing towards your dreams! There are a ton of hot girls here on Sparkpeople who would be happy to have you :)

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TSEWARD 6/15/2010 11:38PM

    As usual I am full of emotions after reading one of your blogs. I can relate to the intense feelings...I had strong feelings for a guy when I was in high school and we were very good friends. Then his family moved to the opposite side of the U.S. For at least 2 years afterward I saw him everywhere, in a crowd, driving by in his car (this is all in my imagination, mind you...) I missed him so much that my chest was squeezed tight all of the time. It was like half of me was gone. Fast forward to today....about 6 years ago, I started dating Norris. I was SERIOUSLY influenced by my parents opinions, and my dad was dead set against me getting married at all. Yet (I don't remember this) my dad says I told him that" I'm marrying him and I don't care what you think". Ha! Anyway, long story short, as awesome as your first love was (is), she really doesn't deserve you. Or at least she didn't at the time. You are remarkably awesome and your awesomeness will attract the love of your life. Phooey on exes. And by the way, Congrats for being lean hot guy with attractive chick! I carry your old fear as well....

And thank you for your beautiful comment...I am going to review the fast break and I will get back to you.

emoticon

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AZCUPCAKE 6/15/2010 12:33PM

    Trent, you went through the virtual MILL for her, and it was just NOT MEANT TO BE! You are so much more than what you think you are. You will find the woman of your dreams -- and your happiness will exceed your wildest dreams --when it is MEANT TO BE!! (No, I am NOT trying to sound like some whiny country tune!) You had an idealized vision of that girl who seemed to be the girl of your dreams....but you have seen her now as she is going to be for the rest of her life, either in great shape or NOT so great shape! She was the past, and you have a LIFETIME of "future!" Don't think you aren't going to be rewarded for sticking to your guns and holding out for "the one!" She is looking for you, too, as I write this. And she is just as intelligent and articulate and HOT as you are!! Thanks for sharing this life-changing slice of life with us -- it really shows us who you really are. A genuine, sensitive, FIVE-dimensional awesome dude with a CLUE!! emoticon

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USHA85 6/15/2010 10:06AM

    Hi dear..What is amazing is not the events that happen but how you totally carried yourself. You totally showed your confidence out there..You did not fluster or blabber upon seeing her. You were calm and handled it nicely. Eventually my dear you did not win the battle for anyone but yourself.Amazing'') emoticon

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LYNNDE 6/15/2010 7:50AM

    You put into words, exactly how I feel. They say it's better to have loved and lost, but I don't agree with that statement, especially when so much hurt is involved with unfinished business.....why did you even let her go? And then, if you love something let it go....if it comes back it's yours and if it doesn't....then it was never meant to be. I think she may have come back more than once. emoticon Is it to late? Does she really wear a ring on her left hand, or is it just for "show?" Find out.

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REENIT 6/14/2010 9:32PM

    Wow,
What an amazing story. I agree with the others. The one that got away... invariably wasnt ours in the first place. The one that is meant to be is around the corner. For now, do as you are. Work on you, get healthy and greatness will find you. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story.

Laureen

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WATCH_IT_BREAK 6/14/2010 9:26PM

    the "one that got away" is exactly that for a reason... and if that reason is meddling family, it's still a valid reason and nothing to beat yourself up over.

that being said, i know it still sucks to feel that way. so many hugs to you, and kudos on NOT being the fatty ex-boyfriend. keep respecting yourself, and treating yourself right (as well as others) and you'll find someone who will be totally deserving of you, who will fight for you and not let others determine or invalidate your worth.

emoticon

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FITGRL124 6/14/2010 9:00PM

    emoticon

I know that you'll find love again someday and it will be like no other you've ever known (including this one).

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1DEBIE1 6/14/2010 8:30PM

    Oh baby, my heart is a mixture of happiness, sadness, and oozing HELL YEA-TAKE THAT....but it ultimately is caring, supportive and right here for you.

That first real love is the hardest to deal with, and you may never lose the feeling. when we love someone they will always have a special place in our heart for them...not that they may never be back in our lives, but the memories live on forever and when you are a little old grandpa, you will tell your own babies all about the One Who could of Been, and how fabulously hot and sexy you looked on that fated day.

Trent, you are sooo AWESOME. I'm so happy for your success, your strong mental stability and the hard work and effort you have put forth to come so very far.

When a door closes, please keep an eye out for the next one that is opening, be brave and walk through it....there are so many more adventures out there waiting for you!

Thank you for sharing your success story!

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_COSMOPAULATAN_ 6/14/2010 8:16PM

    I feel like I experienced your heartbreak with you. You write beautifully, thank you for sharing such an important part of yourself with us. We will love again someday... although I am all but convinced our first loves will haunt us. Mine does as well.

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TEENY_BIKINI 6/14/2010 8:07PM

    Wow. Dude. To me, that was sweet victory and you looked hot - even better.

Personally, I think the ones that get away weren't meant to be - the next time, she [the one meant for you] will fight for you.

You deserve that.

XO

Beautifully-
written story, my friend. Cheers.

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STLRZGRRL 6/14/2010 6:38PM

    Ya.

The one true great love of your life is a tough one.

I am quite lucky that I got mine out of the way early on and was able to go on with my life...

The fact is that you win, TD... FIRST you were NOT one-upped and you take THAT to the bank...

Second... if she was so swayed by her parents' opinion THEN, think how freakin' good and MISERABLE they would have made you by now!

It's good to know you are able to feel as deeply as this. It's also good to know there is life afterwards...

YAY YOU!



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AKELAZ 6/14/2010 3:39PM

    Sad - sad - sad and unnecessary. Parents huh? Hope I'm NEVER that sort of mother.

Glad you came out of the encounter feeling OK but a pity that none of us EVER count that our personalities and good hearts (definitely your case!) are more important than our shapes and sizes. Don't get me wrong I totally know what you mean - even at my great age these things still matter when it comes to exes - however ancient we have all become.

Came to your page initially (but diverted by this really great and touching blog) to thank you for your encouragement re my status. Yes - I feel this will be a good week - but of course it remains to be seen - slippage is constantly on the cards. Just hope that it is true what other Sparkers seem to find - all becomes easier as these good habits establish themselves - I do hope so!! Anyway my point is - a big
emoticon for giving time to me.

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LYNNDE 6/14/2010 1:39PM

    wow! emoticon

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SROBBINS02 6/14/2010 1:27PM

    I don't think anyone's up themself (UK expression? Do you have it over there?) to not feel entirely happy and yes, a teensy bit smug if they look great and run into an ex. Any ex, not a potential-love-of-my-life ex. My old boyfriend Alex works in the same building I do (although thankfully not in the same team any more!) and that is one hell of a motivation, although not one I'd normally admit to emoticon

By the way, the chick's parents are/were totally wrong. You're great emoticon

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LESSOFJEN 6/14/2010 1:13PM

    aww lost love is a tough one emoticon

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TANNERS 6/14/2010 1:13PM

    Trent.. wow.. her parents were so wrong. I'm so glad your fear didn't come true. And I can completely understand where you were coming from. Btw, you are an amazing writer!

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MPALMER15 6/14/2010 12:27PM

    Wow, what a sweet and sad story. I hope you find love again some day. You sound like a guy who has much to give.

Take care,
Melissa

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HICALGAL 6/14/2010 7:23AM

    awww...now you got me tearing up. love can be so bittersweet... emoticon

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