Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I guess this is the blog that I hoped never to write.
I can't stop eating. I really hate myself for this. It started a few weeks ago when I really started exercising more. I thought that my hunger would subside and that I would be able to slow down, but it's not happening. I Just keep eating and eating and eating and eating and....well, you get the picture. Why can't I stop eating? I really hate myself for this....
I hate my body. I really do. 46 pounds total lost and I still look like a typical fat American. Ticks me off. I've been working out for awhile now and my body fat ratio sticks right around 21% give or take. I'm afraid that I could lose another 35 pounds, be at the bottom of my healthy body weight range and am still going to hate what I see in the mirror. Why bother? I hate my body. Hate it hate it hate it.
I hate chocolate. I can't stop eating it, but I totally hate it. I say to myself that I will try to limit consumption, but then two candy bars later.....then the next day. Then the next day. Then the next day. I hate chocolate. I can't stop eating it, but I totally hate it.
I hate my weight. I'm stuck at another 2-3 pound range. The scale once again said 205 this morning. I want to be 191 pounds by mid September. I don't want to do the same as last time. Hang at the same weight for 7 frickin weeks, have to play catch up and then miss my goal. I just don't know what to do about it. I can't stop eating (chocolate and in general). I hate my weight.
Honestly, I'm just kind of tired of life at this point. I'm burning out. I don't know what to do. I'm stuck. I'm burning out.
I really don't care anymore. I want 191 by 9.11. I will do what ever it takes, no matter what. If I have to abuse my body through excess workout, so be it. I don't care. If I have to take appetite suppressants,I don't care. Starve myself? Oh, if only I could at this point. If only I could. There is nothing at this point that is off the table.
Copy that? Nothing.
I'm sick of my life as it is. Sick of missing goals. Sick of being fat. Sick of not having control over my weight. Sick of losing weight and still hating my body.
I'm sick of it.
I'm really just sick of it all.
191 by 9.11!!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
A very dear SparkFriend of mine who I love very much posted a blog about a funeral that she attended for a former neighbour and good friend of hers. He was a good man. He was a fun man. He lived very large. He ate a lot of unhealthy foods. He drank a lot.
Sadly, he died prematurely as a result. I weep for his family.
Let's face it, when we see someone die young (or face life-long/terminal illnesses) for not so good health choices, we invariably start to ask ourselves the hard questions (no funny YouTube clip on this one):
* Will/Could this happen to me if I don't turn around?
* What choices am I making that could lead to this for me?
* What do I need to or can I do to avoid this?
Now the intelligent person knows that if they continue a life of poor eating and over-indulgence on high fat foods, low nutrients, simple carbs, etc. they face a good possibility/probability of such a death.
They know that they can, in theory, totally turn around and eat nothing but the healthiest foods and never indulge for the rest of their life and probably prolong their life by a good chunk of time. But is that realistic?
What is the balance? Where should the line be drawn that would balance the two?
I say it shouldn't. I say choose "Light Grey"
A line creates a black and white scenario. "White" is a life of nothing but healthy, totally clean eating (indulgence free). Totally void of any ANY "bad" foods. "Black" is all double cheeseburgers, Twinkies and non-diet sodas (or the like).
"Light Grey" to me represents a general transition in from "Black" to "White". It means making changes in one's diet and exercise lifestyle one-by-one. Doing it over time until eventually one desires to eat clean and healthy. For the most part one will do just that. For the most part.
At the same time, one will go on vacation or a cruise with a buffet. One will be in a scenario where the office brings lunch with limited healthy options. One will attend a very well catered wedding reception. Even some of my cardio class teachers admit that they sometimes indulge, especially around the holidays (Before SP this used to really annoy me because I thought that they were just trying to "be like us" in saying that, but I get it now).
A big Thanksgiving meal and Christmas dinner with one day of indulgence between them will add up to 3 not-so-healthy heavy eating days out of about 60 for November and December combined. That's about 57 less days for me than before joining SP.
Unless your doctor/nutritionist is telling you that you need full score "White", I say go for "light grey". Make it a goal to live a life of predominantly healthy eating and exercising. Get your body to crave healthy nutrients and a good workout. Don't draw a line saying, "I can't eat this" or "I can only have 1 of this" as a regular habit (Unless of course you have addictions to said food or drink). Yes, there are times where saying these things are helpful, but not always always.
I ask you the vending machine questions:
Scenario: A person is at a vending machine and wants to buy a snack but knows that it's not "good for them"....
1) If for the rest of the week said person has eaten mostly lean proteins, healthy fats, 7-9 fruits and vegetables, lean dairy and healthy whole grains, how bad would one candy bar a week be for them, assuming no addiction to chocolate?
2) If for the rest of the week that person ate nothing but fattening meats/dairy, All processed and refined carbs, a lot of chocolate and no fruits or vegetables, how much good would not buying the offending snack do them?
I say strive for "light grey"
191 by 9.11!!
- TD Out
Monday, June 14, 2010
** Listening to "Belle of the Boulevard" by Dashboard Confessional as I write this.**
Deep down, I think we all want to believe that we are above certain thoughts, feelings and silly mind games when it comes to unfortunate chance reunions with exes. If we're realistic though, we're really kind of not. At least I'm not. I'm totally not.
To this day she is the only girl I can honestly say that I've ever truly loved.
We met on a cold Saturday night in January. When I say that I loved her, I don't just mean that I had strong feelings for her emotionally (though there certainly was that). She is the only girl that I would have given my life and hand in marriage to. My love was anything but unrequited by her. Tears of joy form in the corner of my eyes at just the thought of her.
When she was facing the possibility of surgery that would have rendered her immobile for at least a year and a half, I made a vow to myself that I would stick it out with her. She was adamant that we would split up (She didn't want to burden me). While I would have ultimately let her break up with me, I wouldn't let it happen without a major fight (and many tears). It would have had to have been her call.
Unfortunately, I did not meet her parents' expectation. They were polite to my face, but they were overtly trying to find a husband for her even when we were dating. My family situation was not good then. In order to cope, I kept her out of my family's Christmas situation. She blew up at me a few days after for that. She wanted to spend Christmas with me and my family.
It was at that point, I had to face the harshest and saddest reality that I ever had to and probably ever will have to.
I couldn't stop her mom and dad's pecking at her. I couldn't make her happy. She needed something that I couldn't give her. I couldn't and wouldn't be the perennially inferior-good son in law.
I broke up with her on a sunny Saturday March morning barely a year after we first met. Tears of sorrow well up in my eyes as I remember that morning. It was the most painful day of my entire life, but I wouldn't give it up for all the money in the world if by doing so I would have to give up the previous year. The pain was more than worth it. It took me a few years to truly get over her, but it was more than worth it. SHE was more than worth it.
To this day she is the only girl I can honestly say that I've ever truly loved.
My fear has always been that I would run into her and I would be the fat, single loser ex-boyfriend and that I would be introduced to her dashing lean successful boyfriend/husband. She would be in great shape and all of her efforts to spare my feelings wouldn't hide her countenance, a mixture of pity and of thankfulness that she didn't settle for me.
Irrational fear? Perhaps. But no less real.
So, I was at the museum with a female friend of mine (just a friend) a few days ago. Out of nowhere I hear a totally unfamiliar voice say "Trent?". I turn around and see a face that I totally don't recognize at first. Then it hit me.....
It was her. Ring on left hand!
I now weigh 25 pounds less than when we met and 35 less than when we broke up. She had the classic, "I let myself go post honeymoon" look. While I have to tip my hat to the fact that she's married, my friend made it very clear to me later that I was definitely more handsome than him. While I introduced my friend (who is extremely attractive, I might add) to her, I never introduced her as just a friend. I let my ex's imagination run wild on that one.
Please understand, it was not about 1-upping her. It was more about not getting totally 1-upped. I sincerely hope that she's well. For her, I hope that their marriage is going well and that they live happily ever after.
I hope that if she is unhappy with her health or how she looks that she joins SparkPeople tomorrow and enjoys twice the success as I have. I hope that she lives a very long healthy, happy and whole life.
Heck, if could die tomorrow to buy her but one more day on Earth, this would be my last blog post with no regrets.
My fear never came true. I wasn't the fat, single loser ex-boyfriend. I was the lean handsome ex-boyfriend with an attractive girl by my side. Thank you SparkPeople!!!
I was the one that got away, the one that she let slip away.......
much like she is to me. *disappointed sigh*
(long somber pause)
Did I mention that to this day she is the only.....
Get An Email Alert Each Time TRENTDREAMER Posts