Monday, June 14, 2010
** Listening to "Belle of the Boulevard" by Dashboard Confessional as I write this.**
Deep down, I think we all want to believe that we are above certain thoughts, feelings and silly mind games when it comes to unfortunate chance reunions with exes. If we're realistic though, we're really kind of not. At least I'm not. I'm totally not.
To this day she is the only girl I can honestly say that I've ever truly loved.
We met on a cold Saturday night in January. When I say that I loved her, I don't just mean that I had strong feelings for her emotionally (though there certainly was that). She is the only girl that I would have given my life and hand in marriage to. My love was anything but unrequited by her. Tears of joy form in the corner of my eyes at just the thought of her.
When she was facing the possibility of surgery that would have rendered her immobile for at least a year and a half, I made a vow to myself that I would stick it out with her. She was adamant that we would split up (She didn't want to burden me). While I would have ultimately let her break up with me, I wouldn't let it happen without a major fight (and many tears). It would have had to have been her call.
Unfortunately, I did not meet her parents' expectation. They were polite to my face, but they were overtly trying to find a husband for her even when we were dating. My family situation was not good then. In order to cope, I kept her out of my family's Christmas situation. She blew up at me a few days after for that. She wanted to spend Christmas with me and my family.
It was at that point, I had to face the harshest and saddest reality that I ever had to and probably ever will have to.
I couldn't stop her mom and dad's pecking at her. I couldn't make her happy. She needed something that I couldn't give her. I couldn't and wouldn't be the perennially inferior-good son in law.
I broke up with her on a sunny Saturday March morning barely a year after we first met. Tears of sorrow well up in my eyes as I remember that morning. It was the most painful day of my entire life, but I wouldn't give it up for all the money in the world if by doing so I would have to give up the previous year. The pain was more than worth it. It took me a few years to truly get over her, but it was more than worth it. SHE was more than worth it.
To this day she is the only girl I can honestly say that I've ever truly loved.
My fear has always been that I would run into her and I would be the fat, single loser ex-boyfriend and that I would be introduced to her dashing lean successful boyfriend/husband. She would be in great shape and all of her efforts to spare my feelings wouldn't hide her countenance, a mixture of pity and of thankfulness that she didn't settle for me.
Irrational fear? Perhaps. But no less real.
So, I was at the museum with a female friend of mine (just a friend) a few days ago. Out of nowhere I hear a totally unfamiliar voice say "Trent?". I turn around and see a face that I totally don't recognize at first. Then it hit me.....
It was her. Ring on left hand!
I now weigh 25 pounds less than when we met and 35 less than when we broke up. She had the classic, "I let myself go post honeymoon" look. While I have to tip my hat to the fact that she's married, my friend made it very clear to me later that I was definitely more handsome than him. While I introduced my friend (who is extremely attractive, I might add) to her, I never introduced her as just a friend. I let my ex's imagination run wild on that one.
Please understand, it was not about 1-upping her. It was more about not getting totally 1-upped. I sincerely hope that she's well. For her, I hope that their marriage is going well and that they live happily ever after.
I hope that if she is unhappy with her health or how she looks that she joins SparkPeople tomorrow and enjoys twice the success as I have. I hope that she lives a very long healthy, happy and whole life.
Heck, if could die tomorrow to buy her but one more day on Earth, this would be my last blog post with no regrets.
My fear never came true. I wasn't the fat, single loser ex-boyfriend. I was the lean handsome ex-boyfriend with an attractive girl by my side. Thank you SparkPeople!!!
I was the one that got away, the one that she let slip away.......
much like she is to me. *disappointed sigh*
(long somber pause)
Did I mention that to this day she is the only.....
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog about successful self motivation using the formula Motivation=DVF
D: Dissatisfaction with current state
V: Vision of future
F: First Step(s) success
This past weekend I decided to reward myself by going to the beach with my "new" cargoes and t-shirt to enjoy my success of losing weight. No longer did I have to be ashamed of my appearance at the beach. Yeah, that WAS the theory.
OK, didn't go so well. Apparently as I got out of my car I gained about 170 pounds or so, because I was still the fattest guy on the beach. Really frustrating. Man, the other dudes on the beach were buff. On the plus side, I didn't have to worry about that whole annoying "girls noticing me" thing. This Ken and Barbie couple walked by me and I swear that between them they didn't have half the fat on their bodies as I do. Ugh.
No harpoon, no problem I guess.
So, fortunately now the "D" in my motivation equation is back up. After my current September goal ("191 by 9.11!!"), I am going to focus on toning up and getting my body beach ready for Summer 2011. Don't worry, I won't do another "1XX by M.DD!!" cry. Yes, even I'm getting tired of them.
On the plus side, I was able to leverage FCDA. I had a double cheesburger, fries and a "Kiddie sized" ice cream cone (it was still a lot of ice-cream. In the 1990's it would have been called "Pro LineBacker sized"). I wasn't hungry for the rest of the day. I had a small dinner and the next day's weigh-in had me down 2 pounds for the week. w00t!!!1
I hope to be below 200 this Saturday.
191 by 9.11!!
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
OK, those of you who have been reading my blogs regularly know that I have said some very strong and daring things. Things that make one think really hard and wrestle with some of the deepest and most existential concepts. Things such as:
* "If you wouldn't beat a friend up for a bad day then don't beat yourself up for one."
* "If you vary your foods a lot you won't be as hungry."
* "Forget Ginger. Baby was by far the best looking Spice Girl."
* "My gosh, this kid is TOTALLY adorable!"
Ahhhhhhh, if God ever has enough of a sense of humor to give me children, SHE will definitely flunk at least one of them in Biology class. She'll get the whole cat/cow thing by then, I'm sure. That WAS a really good horsey, imho.
But here's something even more controversial than all four statements above(*).
Go to the FastBreak portion of the Spark Diet and look at what it tells you.
No, seriously.....do it.
Notice that it tells you to pick one thing from each of 3 sections. One thing. One small thing. Let's say hypothetically you picked the 4 whole grains option. You can meet your fb goal without infinitesimally upping your Fruits and vegetables, giving up all sweets for the rest of your life and eating nothing but lean proteins and skim milk.
Here's the rub.........
The Spark Jedi Council not only understands this. They designed the program that way. It's as if they want us little SparkBunnies to take small steps get some initial victories and make gradual changes to our lifestyle rather than give up every "evil" food in the world and subsist only on celery/carrot sticks (while doing the perfunctory 3 hours a day at the gym, of course).
Tito: So why are you telling us this?
Trent: Ah! I'm glad that you asked, Tito.
I've been reading random blogs from people who are coming back from having "fallen off the wagon" and now they're going to really kick it up a notch to get back on track. Gym 6 days a week and stick right to the calorie range. I never hear anything about a ramp up period.
It saddens me. I did that for almost 10 years. 10 years! Every single time, I failed. It was actually the SP articles and staff published blogs that drove home the "Rome wasn't built in a day" concept.
So it breaks my heart to see people who are given the opportunity to break free of the aforementioned cycle of self imprisonment just keep on doing the same thing which almost invariably doesn't work. More restrictive diet! More intense cardio! The cycle continues....
I hate overused expressions as much as the next martian....but less really is more.
If you've fallen off the wagon. Analyze why. Did you try to do too much too fast. Did you try something too new. Did you give one habit change enough time to sink in. Were you so set on two pounds a week that that 0.5 pound loss psychologically knocked you to the mat?
Figure out how to start again. What was working? What came easily. If you stopped doing cardio, shoot for 10-15 minutes and add a minute or two each week. If your body craves a little more, give it a little more.... a LITTLE more.
To me, trying to instantly go from "off the wagon" for any period of time to the whole kit and caboodle (nutrition/exercise-wise) is like surviving a 100 mph car crash and then getting right into another car and driving 100 mph again. What's going to be different this time?
I love you and I want you to succeed. Pick an option from the 3 areas of the fast break stage and do them and only them for a couple of weeks (unless of course your doctor/nutritionist is telling you otherwise). Take it slowly.
As the funny meowing cat who wants turkey would say....
That's right, funny meowing cat who wants turkey! You said it!!!
191 by 9.11!!
- TD Out.
(*) Except for the Spice Girl choice. I know that I'm going to get cr4p from the Scary Spice fans. 4ll y'4ll r H-8-R's!!!
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