Friday, May 21, 2010
Last week I didn't quit.
I finished a process of quitting that I started about three weeks prior.
(The Past: 195 by 5.29!! and previous)
I started making excuses in my head: "I may not make it", "More than two pounds a week is not healthy so I shouldn't strive for it".
It would have been bad enough if I had been making said excuses after it was clear that I was totally done for. But I was making excuses after losing over five pounds in 3 weeks!!!! I was just waiting for the bad weigh-in.
While everyone was cheering me on, while everyone was telling me not to give up, I felt a pressure to not fail, to not lose
I took "control" of the situation, by blogging for three weeks that I might not make it. Letting everyone know that they shouldn't expect anything of me (lest I let them down). One by one, pretty much everyone eventually accepted (or at least verbalized acceptance) that I was doing the right thing.
I think one person actually bought it....me.
Sure, the rationalizations made sense.....sort of:
Rationalization 1: "6 pounds in two weeks is too much, it's not healthy"
* So isn't weighing over 250 pounds and that didn't kill me.
Rationalization 2: "I may not make it"
* So what!? Maybe I would have.
GaHHH!! I've done this every time. Not just in weight loss. Everything in life. I start doing something that will make my life better. I get good at it. I get strong. I start to see the finish line. All my friends believe in me.
I feel higher expectations. I feel pressure. I become critical of myself. I fear failure. I create "escape" routes.....
The one time in my life I succeeded to my full potential on something. I rationalized my success to be a failure with a face. I "fooled" everyone into thinking that I'm something that I'm not.
** I WAS smart enough to graduate Summa Cum Laude D*rnit!!! I STILL AM!!!**
(The Present 191 by 9.11!!)
I watch the BL at least a week delayed on hulu. There was an episode where one of the contestants gave up on a challenge that they knew deep down that they could win. As I was rationalizing my "pending failure" a person on one of my teams emailed me about the episode, trying to get me to stay on track (not quit).
The night after I wrote the official resignation blog of my 195 by 5.29! goal, I watched that episode and it hit me.....That's what I did. I saw the regret in the contestant's eyes and voice and felt it for what I had done.
Two words: (1)Not (2)Again.
This time will be different. There is a saying on the 24 hour fitness gym on the BL that quotes Bob as saying "Stand up and finish what you started". Atsa what Ima gonna do.
This time WILL be different. I don't care if I have to lose 3 pounds a week for 4 weeks straight. I don't give a care if I have to lose 12 pounds in one week. I will fight to the very last minute with all my strength. I may fall short of the number after all is said and done. But I will not quit! I will NOT QUIT!!! I will fight to the end.
This time WILL be different.
191 by 9.11!!
- TD Out
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
I have a ritual where I go to the library and pick out 1 or 2 diet books. I joke with the librarian that said diets, "can't POSSIBLY fail". They're all kind of the same(the diet books not the librarians). They tell me that I can eat whatever I want and then give me a rigid program. If I'm lucky, I get a principle that I can apply (South Beach Diet/F Factor). The smart money always involves starting at stage 3, but even that usually doesn't work.
The oddest diet by far was "The Shangri la diet". Not only didn't it spend the perfunctory 60-70 pages telling me why all other diets were horrible, it actually quasi endorsed one and said how I could integrate this diet with any eating plan. It was weirdly written (but mercifully short).
While the diet itself involved drinking 150-400 calories of plain sugar water and light oils (safflower, extra Light Olive, Canola) spaced well between meals, the principles behind it were not so weird. I don't generally sip the sugar or oil, but I do a few other things that are recommended and they have been working. Over the past few months, I've been losing weight and my cravings, especially for sugar, have gone down
I strongly recommend reading the book, but not following the actual diet itself. Understand the principles behind it and focus on his 6 "Extra Credit" (The guy's a college professor) suggestions.
Below is what I've been doing
1) Eating Foods that are slow to digest: Whole grains, lean proteins and healthy fats (nuts and flavored oils)
2) Eating different foods and at different places: I still eat a candy bar or pastry every day but it's a new one or one that I haven't had recently. I usually don't crave any more the one. My lunch is still 600-900 calories, but I try to eat at different cafes/restaurants. When I eat at familiar places I order items that I haven't ever, rarely have or not recently eaten. I always feel full after.
Again, I recommend reading the book (It's a very short book, that's why I took it out), but don't recommend the diet itself. The precepts have been really working for me. My cravings have gone down and I've been losing weight.
191 by 9.11!!
- TD Out
Monday, May 17, 2010
Alrighty right right. So I've failed on yet another goal but am facing the possibility of being below 200 for the first time in a long time. I'm crushed in spirit yet hopeful for tomorrow. So what to do? Must choose carefully..........mmmmmmm....... I got it!!!!!
I can be an IDIOT!!! Again!!!!
Roll that beautiful blog footage, Tito!!1
Tito: Okey Dokey (Tito rolls footage)
A - Age:
* before beauty
B - Bed size:
* Well, (blushes) it's not the best pickup line I've heard, but it will have to do (Winks back).
C - Chore you hate:
* I can only pick one?
D - Dog's name:
* Finius Otis VonWoofenburgh (I know, nothing too original. If I had a dog it would be in couseling now.)
E - Essential start your day item:
That "waking up" thing has been known to play a sizable part.
F - Favorite color:
* That pinkish/reddish color that my girlfriends of the past's faces usually turned right before those fun little light hearted "We're through!!!" chit-chats. Ahhh memories, light the corners of my mind.
G - Gold or Silver:
* No thanks, I'm driving.
H - Height:
* Some where between these two guys
I - Instruments you play:
J - Job title:
"Captain of the gravy train". Just like THIS guy
but I'm not a friendly reminder ;)
K - Kid(s):
* I arguably am one(s)
L - Living arrangements:
* No, the last arrangement passed away in 2006.
O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth:
* That "Yeah, but what have you done for me lately?" question I asked my mom after she gave me the "I nursed you in the womb for nine months" guilt trip.
P - Pet Peeve:
* pass it on questionnaires with gimmicks
Q - Quote from a movie:
* Pretty much everything SHE says in this scene:
Sadly, I've had far less functional/productive conversations with girlfriends of my past.
R - Right or left handed:
* Those are my only choices!?
S - Siblings:
* None who would admit to such an ignominious lot in life.
T - Time you wake up:
* Usually about 5 minutes after the voices in my head do.
U- First word that comes to your mind for "U":
* "ubiquitarianism" as if that wouldn't be everyone's first one.
(Ironically, the site that I found that word on had at the bottom "I hope you have found this site to be useful." **I swear I'm not kidding** )
V - Vegetable you dislike:
* I did not become a SparkPerson for being so discerning on the matter
W - Ways you run late:
* Hmmmm. I'll answer this one after Y
X - X-rays you've had:
* OK maybe the pickup line in B wasn't so bad after all.
Y - Yummy food you make:
* I did not become a SparkPerson for being so discerning on the matter.
Z - Zoo favorite:
* Sounds like a grunge band in the post Cobain era 1995/1996ish
- TD out!!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Ali: TRENTDREAMER, Since starting SparkPeople, you've lost 21.6 pounds. Last week your weight was 203.4. To stay on the 195 by 5.29 challenge, you need to have lost at least 2.4 pounds. This week your weight is...
(Weigh-in music starts playing. Camera shoots to all 195 by 5.29! contestants. The music crescendos. The scale vacillates with random numbers between 190 and 230 and makes random beeping noises.....)
Scale: 203.8 [+0.4]
(silence fills the room)
Trent: Well, I guess the four sliders, two bowls of mac and cheese, and ice cream at my friend's graduation party last night wasn't the smartest idea.
Ali: Trent, your weight this week was above 201. I'm sorry to tell you that you are not going to be 195 by 5.29.
Trent: Thank you, Ali
(Trent walks somberly out of the weigh-in area. Somber music plays in the background. Lit name panel with "Trent" printed on it fades)
(Scene changes to close up of Trent outside of the gym (wearing a GAP t-shirt that says "dreamer" on it))
Trent: What I didn't count on was that when I hit 203 I would be as happy with my appearance as I am.
In fighting for 195, I focused really heavily on eating better and not exercising much beyond basic walking and Pilates.
If I were to have started real strength training, my weight would probably have gone up both from muscle and extra eating. I couldn't afford a gain like that in trying to reach 195 by 5.29.
I was losing weight but not looking much better for it and not really feeling healthier. Frankly the cargoes aren't going to fit unless I start shaping and toning up the body. I mean they fit OK now, but not well.
Yesterday I did a full cardio and upper body workout. It felt awesome.
I got what I really wanted out of this goal, even if I didn't get the stated number. In the meantime, it's time for me to come up with a new vision and a new plan. I will do that over the next couple of weeks.
(looking right into camera)
SparkPeople! The next time you hear from me it will probably be early in the week and I will write one of my usual midweek blogs. Nothing fancy.
(end credit music starts playing)
* To all of my Sparkfriends: I love you all and am extremely thankful for your love and support.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
As many of you know, I've been struggling with my goal of 195 by 5.29. I'm extremely happy with my weight and control over my eating (though it's been a bit of a rough week). There is a harsh reality that I face.
I'm probably not going to be much below 201 this Saturday, if I am at all. That gives me two weeks to lose 6 pounds. That is very steep, given that I've been pulling some fairly aggressive numbers these past few weeks.
Because it was in a SparkMail I won't mention who it was, but someone who was encouraging me asked the question, "Do you want your goal?". She then continued by basically saying to put in the extra effort and make it happen.
The question gave me pause. Do I really want my goal of 195 by 5.29? A very reasonable question, though asked rhetorically. That's when it occurred to me
* 195? Yes! absolutely. No compromises. I want to be at that weight.
* By 5.29.......? Meh.
When I originally set the goal, I needed to lose an average of 1-2 pounds a week. Quite reasonable. Now, I'm going to need to lose 2-3 pounds a week. That's way WAY too much. I got started with the actual weight loss a little late in the game.
I think of it this way. Let's say I want to drive from Los Angeles to San Francisco. I set the goal of getting there by 7:00 (Nothing pressing, I just want to get there to check into the hotel at a reasonable time). I leave at noon, but I get a flat tire and it takes me some time to put on the spare. Other minor things like having to get gas and I hit some traffic. All of this and three hours in, I've made 1 hour of progress.
Can I still get there by 7:00, sure. If I drive crazy over the speed limit, I probably can. But is it worth it? No, San Francisco isn't going anywhere anytime soon.
Do I stop trying and turn around? No, I can still get there by 9:00 or 10:00. If I drive normally. Later than I wanted, maybe. But no less enjoyable.
My weight loss is like that trip in certain ways. I'm behind where I want to be. I could in theory make 195 by 5.29 healthfully if I have a really out of the blue great week and the scale says 199, but that's probably not going to happen.
If it said 201, I could really clamp down, fast, do some really drastic and abusive things to my body (metaphorically speaking, drive really crazy fast). But for what? I don't have a special occasion that weekend. 195 by the fourth of July would make me happy. If I was trying to meet a weight requirement for a job or something, yeah I'd do it. But I'm not.
But turn around? Absolutely not. I am not giving up on 195. I just don't absolutely need it two weeks from Saturday. It was a great goal, but ultimately it was and still is an arbitrary date.
Traffic has cleared and I'm losing weight and making decent progress (cruisin' up I5). Would I like to have made it by 5.29? Sure. Will I be any less proud of 195 if it happens on June 12/19? No. Not at all. I'll get there between 10:00 and 11:00 and check in before the lobby closes.
As always, thank you for your support. It has and will continue to make a great difference in my journey. I will let you know how this weekend's weigh-in goes. Who knows, I might catch a lucky break. If not, it is well with my soul.
195 by 5.29 (perhaps for the last time)!
- TD out
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