Friday, January 30, 2009
To My Dad:
I drink a smoothie every morning,
and listen to Kenny Loggins every night.
I run to keep in shape,
and swim to strengthen my mind.
I sleep on my stomach,
and wake up on the other side.
I love Doritos,
and still hate brussel sprouts.
I dance like Carlton on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air,
and I sing like the losers on American Idol.
I match my underwear to my shirt,
and always wear two different socks.
I would rather text than talk on the phone,
and would rather email than text.
I am a Democrat,
and disagree with your beliefs.
I read for fun,
and write for sanity.
I cook like Mom,
and sew like you.
You knew me with curls,
and my hair has now gone straight.
I just want you to know,
the girl you have let go.
I want you to walk me down the isle,
but not just for show.
You are still my Tato,
the best man I will ever know.
But please do not forget,
to never let me go.
I love you, Dad.
(My dad has recently gotten a new girlfriend. Not that I don't like her, she is awesome; however, he is letting his old life go and beginning a new one. I just want him to know that I am still his daughter, always will be.)
Sunday, January 18, 2009
2008 was a horrible year for me. I got into a really bad car accident at the end of the year. I am SO grateful that I was alright. I ended up with a concussion and a broken rib in my bac, but the way my car was hit, I was suprised I didn't fly through the windshield and die.
I was living a pretty self-destructive life before that accident. Emotional eating, not working out, finding excuses FOR everything, not just working out, but for not doing the dishes, not cleaning, not going to work. I was really driving myself into a dark, deep hole.
But the accident opened my eyes. With all my loved ones around me at the hospital, I realized that I am loved. I am loved immensly. I then decided that I should love myself just as those around me love me. That means taking care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. That is why 2009 is a new year for me. It is hard to break old habits, though, so the beginning has been kind of rough, but I am working on it.
My boyfriend and a bunch of friends are going to Bonaroo in June, so I would like to have lost at least 30 lbs by then, but mostly I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I do not want to look in the mirror and say nasty things, I want to go to the mall and not leave crying because I hate ALL clothes. It is going to be hot, so I want to be able to wear tank tops and such and not feel so self conscious. It will ruin my time if I am worried about how I look the whole time.
I am on the road to recovery and I couldn't be more happy about it. (Even though some days are extremely tough, I am stronger than I think.)
Thursday, August 21, 2008
I feel like I keep going in this huge circle with my weight loss. I get into the groove of good working out and eating, then I just lose it. I know that I have the wrong approach to my weightloss. I want to lose weight so I am more attractive, not because it will make me healthier and live a longer life.
I just don't know how to change my thinking... I mean for SO long to think that skinny = beautiful even though conciously I know that is not true.
How do I reprogram my thinking? How do I change my habits for a healthier lifestyle rather than a short bout of weight loss?
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
So- I just found out that the scale at my mom's house (the one I use for my weekly weight in) is broken! It is about 8 or 9 pounds off. Therefore, that means I do not weight 167. I weigh 175. That is the heaviest I have ever been!
I know that I should not look at this as a failure, and use it as an opportunity to get my butt back in gear, but I can't help feel like crap. I haven't been showing an progress and at the end of the day I gained 7 pounds.
Where do I go from here? I wish I still looked like my picture. I guess now that is something to strive for.
Monday, June 16, 2008
I have been a swimmer I was about 3 years old. My older brother was on the swim team and my mom would always take me to practices. She said that I got too annoying so she finally threw me in the water with the 5 year old. Well, good thing she did because I wouldn't know what to do without swimming.
It is kind of my escape. No one can hear my thoughts when I am swimming (not they can anyways, but its a metaphor). However, when I swam competitively in high school I could eat anything I wanted because I was burning about 1500 calories in every practice. I also needed to the carbs and things to keep my energy and stamina up. However, I tore my ACL as a senior in high school (playing soccer) and haven't gotten back in the pool since.
I guess my problem is that I think I can still eat all those carbs (I admit that I love them!) and not exercise as much as I used to. I was talking to my grandpa the other day about how much I miss swimming and when I actually get in the water I will be discouraged by how slow I go. Then he said "Are you going slow only because you have gotten fat?" Now he is 90 and not yet senile, but that hurt my feelings. Yes I have gained about 30 pounds in 3 years, but I am trying.
I guess I am just discouraged. I miss the escape of swimming, but I don't want to see myself in a swim suit, let alone struggle through a workout. I'm just not sure what to do.
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