Wednesday, September 19, 2012
I have been suffering from depression for about 7 years now. I have been on numerous medications and I have been on Prozac for about 4 years now. I finally got to the right dose for me and I have been doing better.
However, recently, I have been having money problems. My fiance is supporting me while I try and finish school. I am negative in my bank account. However, I just recently got my refund for my student loan. It was about $3,000. I have never really had that kind of money before. However, I just came to the realization as I was pulling out my credit card to buy a scarf online that I have been manically spending all that money. I have blown through half of it already on things that I do not need. I mean I really do not need them. I can realize that now, but as take out that debit card or press "pay with paypal" it is like I am blinded by what I am actually doing. I am just accumulating things.
It is a horrible cycle because now I am depressed that I am spending money when I was spending money because I was manically depressed. I feel hopeless. I feel lost. I feel like I will never be able to save money, let alone finish school, have a nice wedding.... I am manically spinning into depression. What a horrible, horrible concept. I don't know if I need to change my meds, if I need to cut up my debit card, if I need to commit myself. I feel out of control.