TREA241   13,711
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Manically Spinning Back Into Depression. Help Me :(

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

I have been suffering from depression for about 7 years now. I have been on numerous medications and I have been on Prozac for about 4 years now. I finally got to the right dose for me and I have been doing better.

However, recently, I have been having money problems. My fiance is supporting me while I try and finish school. I am negative in my bank account. However, I just recently got my refund for my student loan. It was about $3,000. I have never really had that kind of money before. However, I just came to the realization as I was pulling out my credit card to buy a scarf online that I have been manically spending all that money. I have blown through half of it already on things that I do not need. I mean I really do not need them. I can realize that now, but as take out that debit card or press "pay with paypal" it is like I am blinded by what I am actually doing. I am just accumulating things.

It is a horrible cycle because now I am depressed that I am spending money when I was spending money because I was manically depressed. I feel hopeless. I feel lost. I feel like I will never be able to save money, let alone finish school, have a nice wedding.... I am manically spinning into depression. What a horrible, horrible concept. I don't know if I need to change my meds, if I need to cut up my debit card, if I need to commit myself. I feel out of control.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FOXYROXY13 9/19/2012 4:29PM

    money problems can depress anyone. I agree that asking for some more help might be a good idea. I know from experience going through depression is not easy. Recognizing you need that extra bit of help is huge.

I'll be thinking of you ^_^ try to stay as positive as you can!

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BARBIE176 9/19/2012 12:54PM

    emoticon Andrea. Recognizing what you have been doing is a great first step. It seems like it would be a good idea to check with your doctor to see what their recommendation is. I will add you to my prayer list. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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A&I BSG Poinsettia Week 2 Blog: Dear Santa

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

“DEAR SANTA” – Write a letter to Santa and include what would you like for Christmas. Not exclusive to just gifts; this can be anything you think Santa could help you with if he could.

Dear Santa-

I want happiness for Christmas this year. 2011 has not been the easiest for me. Actually, it sucked. I need that happiness in my life. I want to look at a baby and smile and not feel a hallow emptiness inside. I want to feel again, Santa. I want to know that I will be okay. That I can go on and have a happy, healthy life and family. Santa, I just want to okay. Please help me with that one wish this Christmas season. Let me know that everything will turn out for the best.

Love, Andrea

(For those of you who may not know, I experienced a miscarriage in November.)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HUNNNYBEE 12/15/2011 3:27AM

    Oh Andrea, I am so sorry. I have been there, and I know...
Although it may not feel like it, have faith that the pain of this will pass. Sending prayers your way.

ps. If you ever need an ear...I'm here.

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CATHYGETSFIT 12/15/2011 12:12AM

    emoticon emoticon

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss! I can only imagine how you must feel. I know there is nothing anyone can say that can really comfort you. Just know that all of your Spark Friends are here for you if you need us! Have you thought about getting a little bit of counseling to help you get through this difficult time? There's no harm in asking for help if you need it. The feelings you have are normal and it's going to take time to work through your loss. We all work through grief at different rates and there is no telling how long it will take for you. Just take it one day and one moment at a time. I'm sure that 2012 will be better for you and I know you are on Santa's nice list. I hope Santa brings you everything on your wish list!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CJWORDPLAY 12/14/2011 11:41PM

    Dear Andrea - I have no words to make your sad loss less painful. I do want you to know that my heart is with you and I care. I'm trusting that your longing to bring new life into this world is heard and will be honored. May you be blessed with tender comfort and peace, my friend. Hugs, CJ

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SHOYER 12/14/2011 10:03PM

    Andrea, I had no idea of your loss, but that makes my sympathy no less real. I admire you for sharing this important and private, yet so public, event in your life. You are so brave -- and wise -- to remain committed to what you want. Thank you.

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ASHAIXIM 12/14/2011 4:08PM

    Oh, I'm so sorry. My deepest sympathies to you!! My sister miscarried several times between her 1st and 2nd child (her 3rd was an oops).

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JEWELRYLOVER 12/14/2011 3:11PM

    Great blog Andrea. So sorry for your loss! Thanks for sharing and being a friend. I truly hope you get your Christmas wish. You deserve it. emoticon emoticon

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KELCARD1 12/14/2011 1:01PM

    emoticon Here's to Santa fulfilling your wish. May you indeed find that joy and fullness of living.


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AMYBELLES 12/13/2011 11:18PM

    Andrea, it's good that you are able to express your pain here to your SparkFriends, who love and care about you! Losing a baby is such a devastating event! I never had a miscarriage, but my sister had a stillborn baby, and I know how life-altering that was for her and how much heartbreak she went through (as well as the whole family.) Be patient with yourself and take one day at a time...give yourself time to heal. I am here for you if you need to talk. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope Santa will make your wishes come true. I have faith that 2012 will bring happiness to you! emoticon

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KARALIANNE 12/13/2011 3:23PM


I can't imagine how you must feel right now. Grief takes time. I don't know if you have had counseling for this, but I think it is important that you know that it's normal to grieve for the unborn child you lost, and that everyone grieves differently. It will take some time, and I am sure that it must feel like it is taking forever, but it has only been a month. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel - I've found that it's the only way I have ever been able to sort it out and get back to "real life."

(Also, I am sure it doesn't feel like it right now, but one miscarriage does not mean no healthy pregnancies in the future. I have a friend who had a miscarriage after her first baby was born, and she had her second child earlier this year. My own mother was the last of five children and there was at least one miscarriage in amongst those five. If you really do have worries about that, make sure you talk to your doctor about it.)

Comment edited on: 12/13/2011 3:25:52 PM

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IZZYBEBOP 12/13/2011 11:38AM

    I do hope that Santa fulfills your list. I've never had a miscarriage, but my supervisor did so I know how hard it is. I hope you can start planning for another one soon.

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BARBIE176 12/13/2011 10:19AM

    emoticon letter Andrea. I know how difficult this time must be for you, and I pray that your wish comes true. Time does heal although it doesn't erase the event. emoticon emoticon

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A&I BSG Poinsettia Week 1 Blog: December Goals

Sunday, December 04, 2011

My December Goals:

- Lose 5 pounds
- Run at least 12 miles a week (Good thing I got a new gym membership!)
- 270 Fitness Minutes per week = 1,080 for the month!

My main goal this month is to stay accountable to my workouts. I have them all planned out, now I just need to actually do them. There is no excuse this month. They are non-negotiable and written in pen on my calendar!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHOYER 12/7/2011 4:16PM

    With that succinct wording, you can't be anything but determined and motivated. Wow. I wish you good luck and everything you need to accomplish your goals! emoticon

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ASHAIXIM 12/7/2011 3:21PM

    Wow! Good luck!! I am fine doing my PT but running is beyond me :)

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KARALIANNE 12/6/2011 6:10PM

    Oooh, looks like you're going hard-core this month with the workouts! I might start doing that if I slack off too much on my workouts. It's not like I really have any excuses for not doing them, like "I was at work all day!" or "I had too much homework!" or something like that. Nope, my best excuse is either "I was pretending to do housework" or "the laptop is so shiny and pretty!" emoticon

Good luck with those goals, they look great!

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CATHYGETSFIT 12/6/2011 3:39PM

    Good for you! Great goals for this month! It sounds like you are very determined. I'm sure you can and will succeed! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

emoticon emoticon

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CJWORDPLAY 12/5/2011 11:51PM

    oooh - written in pen. I LOVE that! You are indeed serious about your fitness plans. Good for you.
emoticonI'm cheering you on! emoticon

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IZZYBEBOP 12/5/2011 5:19PM

    Great goals, and glad that you made them non-negotiable!

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HUNNNYBEE 12/5/2011 8:33AM

    Wonderful goals! Enjoy your new gym membership...sounds like you have a great plan!

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    Andrea, good set of Goals! I hadn't thought of writting my workouts down on a calendar. Great idea! I might steal that one!


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BARBIE176 12/4/2011 7:47PM

    What a emoticon blog Andrea. emoticon Just stay focused! emoticon emoticon

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48MYYEAR2014 12/4/2011 12:07PM

    thats a great idea, writing your workouts downit makes it difficult to ignore emoticon

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AMYBELLES 12/4/2011 11:52AM

    emoticon on your goals, Andrea! I like how you made them specific and attainable. I have no doubt you can and will achieve them. I am also focusing on fitness and have a goal for cosistency and reaching over 1,000 minutes. All the best to you this month! emoticon

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SIOBHANKNITS 12/4/2011 10:33AM

    Great goals, Andrea! I like your non-negotiable workouts!!

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A&I BSG Autum Leaves Week 4 Blog: Thankful

Monday, November 28, 2011

It took me a while to actually sit down and write this blog. I have been having an extremely hard month as many of you know. So, the number one thing I am thankful for is my health and loving family.

I am only 24 and I have been through quite a bit, but I am thankful that some higher spirit (I apologize if that offends anyone, but I am still on my own spiritual journey) has given me the strength to endure all the evil things the world has sent my way.

Other things I am thankful for:
- my wonderful BF
- my extremely supportive family!
- my beautiful kittens who give me unconditional love EVERY day
- my job
- warm water
- food
- and every other little thing I take for granted

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AMYBELLES 11/28/2011 11:21PM

    I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through this month, but I'm glad that you are remaining strong through your faith and the supportive people in your life. It's amazing how our pets can provide us so much love during our most trying times. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Lots of emoticon

Comment edited on: 11/28/2011 11:31:53 PM

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BARBIE176 11/28/2011 10:51PM

    emoticon blog Andrea and I am thankful that you have such an amazing list of things to be thankful for. Your boyfriend sounds like a keeper too! emoticon emoticon

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SIOBHANKNITS 11/28/2011 10:16AM

    What a beautiful expression of gratitude! You are a remarkable woman!
emoticon emoticon

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A&I BSG Autumn Leaves Week 2 Blog: Holiday Stress

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Family holidays can be extremely stressful. Talk about how you handle stress and what you do to keep your cool when things get hot.

My family gatherings revolve around alcohol. That is how it always has been and I have always despised going to to family gatherings. Now that I am older and I also have my BF's family to visit, I can use that as an excuse to not stay. When I was younger, I had to stay because I didn't have anywhere else to go. Now, I can go and be with everyone before the alcohol becomes an issue. It makes it a lot easier that I can make the decision to leave and not feel guilty for being alone during the holidays. This year, I won't be alone. I will have my loving BF and his family.

Don't get me wrong. I love my family and would not change them for the world, but the alcohol is hard for me to deal with because they become people that I do not like to be around. I now have my own apartment, my BF, and my two cats. It is my own little family and it will be nice to just spend time with them in our cozy little place. I want to start enjoying the holidays, rather than despising them.

I also think that I need to keep up my exercising during the holidays. It is a great outlet for stress and I think it will help quite a bit this year. (Especially since I asked for a stationary bike!!!!)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AMYBELLES 11/14/2011 8:46PM

    I'm sorry to hear that you have experienced the stress of alcohol affecting your family holidays. You have done a great thing by finding a way to avoid this and enjoy yourself with your BF and cats in your own apartment. I wish you a holiday season filled with joy, love and peace. emoticon

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IZZYBEBOP 11/13/2011 10:11AM

    Alcohol can be so destructive, and yes it does change people.
It's good that you've found a way to deal with the holiday situation to not let it ruin YOU'RE enjoyment of the holidays.

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CATHYGETSFIT 11/13/2011 3:08AM

    I'm sorry that the holidays with your family is ruined by alcohol. I'm glad though that you have a great BF and that the time you spend together during the holidays along with his family will be good. I hope the holidays in your cozy little apartment with your BF and kitties will bring lots of good memories for you! I agree that exercising can help to relieve a lot of stress. So go exercise until there is nothing left to destress about. lol Have a great holiday season with your new family!

emoticon emoticon

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BARBIE176 11/12/2011 7:56PM

    It is unfortunate that alcohol can ruin so many families' holidays. I have certainly lived through what you describe too and I am so happy that you have the ability to have an excuse to get out before the problems escalte. Enjoy your holidays with your new small family! emoticon emoticon

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CJWORDPLAY 11/10/2011 9:54PM

    What you describe is very familiar to me. I'm sorry that you have this in your past - but you are very wise to limit your exposure to the "old" ways and build your own joyous celebration traditions. Good for you! I'm glad you are free to exercise good choices.

P.S. I'm putting in a good word for you with the elves about the exercise bike! emoticon

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RFJSJ50 11/10/2011 9:44AM

    Alcohol played a part in my childhood holidays - my grandfather was an alcoholic and his behavior often ruined the day.
I've reached a point in my life where the holidays don't cause the stress they used to. It took years, but I finally found the strength to spend Thanksgiving alone and enjoy it. I do go to mom's on Christmas Day and am often "gritting my teeth" and "biting my tongue" so as not to respond to snide remarks about my weight and appearance from my brothers. I get the strength to do that from the realization that I may not have many more Christmas Days with my 83 year old mother there.

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