Monday, January 27, 2014
In the past, some people have said to me, "You're so disciplined!"
I took this to mean, "You make time to run." I never really thought I was disciplined, per se, because I was only doing what I wanted to do. If that meant I ran at 5am or in the snow, then so be it. On the contrary, I remember my parents telling me as a child, "Sometimes in life, you have to do things you don't want to do." I thought, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Of course, I get their point now that I'm grown up -- but I say this to show I'm not really particularly disciplined.
At first, I was thinking I am only terribly undisciplined when it comes to eating delicious/comforting/handy foods. If I want it, I usually end up eating it. I do work out quite a bit, but it's because I like to, and when I don't feel like it, you better believe I find some way to stay on the couch. And now, I realize that the devil really preys on my lack of discipline. I recently stated to my hubby that I wasn't going to buy any new clothes until we move (to a different climate) in October. I have plenty of clothes right now, and we're trying to save some extra cash, and I will have to buy new stuff when we face the climate change. Plus, I don't really shop that much... maybe I pick up some things online or go to the mall for a precision-targeted purchase.
But don't you know, less than a week after my declaration, I am on a business trip and had some extra time when I drove past the outlet mall about which I always remark, "Someday I'll have some extra time and stop in there." Suddenly I'm walking out of Jockey with a new bra, new underwear, new pajamas and new camisole. Seriously? It's like the devil just wanted me to know for sure that I'm weak and undisciplined across the spectrum of my life, not just when it comes to food. Stinker.
So, I'm going to take most of it back. OK, not the cami -- because I have another just like it and always end up wearing it straight out of the hamper and hoping it doesn't smell. A second one is a good idea. But the rest: RETURN.
Lesson learned is that I need to work on discipline in my WHOLE life, not just on my dinner plate. "Sometimes in life, you have to do things you don't want to do."
Thursday, January 09, 2014
It has been a long time since I've blogged.
I would love to say, "things are so different now!" or "so much has happened!" but that's not really the case.
I've been trying different strategies with my eating, and really have been getting better about making good choices overall. Unfortunately, I seem to be much worse about "punishing" myself with intentionally poor decisions. This happens when I'm stressed or pushed waaayyy out of my comfort zone, and it's almost like, "I'm going to eat this [fill in blank] -- that will show them!" What?? How can my mind even think like that? So weird. And so hard to control.
I've cut back on artificial sweetners a bit, and sugar overall, and I find that candies and sweet things are often too sweet for me now. That's a good thing... until I eat them anyway, knowing I'm not enjoying them, just to make a point (?) that I'm upset. Still, I'm trying to focus on the positive.
I had some meetings in town today and decided to walk instead of taking the subway. As often happens in this town, I underestimated the distance terribly, and it took me almost an hour to transit between them. Fortunately, I had a flexible schedule and really just enjoyed being outside (in the bitter cold), moving. And, I didn't eat anything while I was walking! Ha ha!
I was supposed to go on a trip to Alaska on Saturday, and stay for a week. I was REALLY looking forward to it -- seeing a buddy and skiing a couple days before the work started. It got cancelled. I'm so bummed, but here's the bright side: I will not have the stress of trans-continental travel; I will not have to live out of a suitcase and eat meals on the go; I will not be tied to a hotel gym next week; I can plan my meals for the week. I'm going to make this pile of lemons into lemonade, and get my workout on.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
I finally went to the doctor about my leg.
She said my exam was normal, what did I want her to do?
I said, well, it hurts -- so obviously there's something wrong. What's wrong, and how do we heal it?
She kept telling me she didn't know what was wrong, and I burst into tears in her office.
Running is how I relieve stress, and I'm in a very stressful time right now. Yet she was telling me not only that I can't run, but that I can't bike, swim, hike, walk, or work out in any way that uses my legs. I kind of understand this, because logic says (to me) that if my leg is hurting from something I injured while running, I should probably stay off of it. But for her to not be able to say what was wrong -- I fell apart.
She seemed frightened at my outburst, and said, "OK, OK, I refer you to physical terapy!" But then she said I'd have to wait weeks to get an appointment so it probably wouldn't help. Nice.
To say I am feeling low is a huge understatement. I cry all the time. I was in Alaska last week (for work), and it was my first time there. Rather than being joyful at the excitement of The Last Frontier, I was stressed out and made terrible choices with my eating, which drove me lower and lower. I saw my best friend last weekend -- it's been almost two years -- and while it was so good to see her, I was preoccupied with this stress coming from every direction.
Much like I know how to stave off emotional eating but don't actually execute those strategies, I know other ways to let off steam. But I'm not doing them. I'm greedy. I want to run. I don't want to turn into this fat wife that my husband doesn't deserve, especially as he's returning from his overseas tour. It's like I'd rather wallow in self-pity (WISP, as my mom calls it) because I've been beaten.
Maybe I'll come around... we'll see. But I won't be burning any calories until then, and the "calories to burn this week" number on my SparkPage is mocking me.
Tuesday, August 06, 2013
I have had many things I wanted to write about, but I always forget them.
First, I noticed my weight was way down in the past couple days. It's the three-week cycle (not sure how that works, since all cycles I know about are FOUR-week deals) where my weight drops low, then creeps up again. Anyway, I was able to wear a suit Monday that I haven't worn in a while. It was a little snug, but not enough to look bad. I was encouraged.
But, as the cycle goes on, my weight is creeping up and I doubt I could put it on now, just two days later. I have no idea what this is... it's maddening. There has to be some water or hydration thing going on, maybe the phases of the moon... except that all hormonal and lunar cycles are (you guessed it) FOUR WEEKS. Where is the three coming from?
I played badminton Sunday and although my leg felt OK while I was playing, it didn't feel great for the rest of the day. I started taking ibuprofen based on a doctor's casual advice ... he was just someone a friend knows. Anyway, if I can ever identify exactly what the pain/discomfort is, maybe I'll make an appointment. But my doctor always makes me feel so stupid for being there, I hate to subject myself to more discouragement.
I have been craving crunchy lately, and that is weird for me. I indulged my craving yesterday with pretzels for a snack... today, I went crazy with wheat thins and cereal. Not so good... but the crunchy was very satisfying. How I feel tomorrow may not be so satisfying, we'll see.
I have to write a paper tonight and tomorrow, and I am not looking forward to it. I also take off for a week in Alaska (for work) next Monday, and the bureaucratic machine is making that as painful as possible. I feel like I can do well on trips, though, if I plan it out well. I just need to plan for the paper that's due next week, too. Then I will be done with class for a while.
That all seemed like kind of a rant... I just hadn't written in a while and felt like I should. The injury is still really getting me down, but I bought a new pair of running shoes just to be sure I was wearing good ones when I finally get back out on the road. Whenever that is.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
I completely let that injury wreck me.
I have been depressed and have been taking it out on my body. I need to treat it with more respect, even if it did betray me with this injury. I need to be able to adapt to things like this, and deal with disappointment. Even if I'm not able to run my 1/2 marathon in September, I can't let it ruin my life.
While part of me really wants to crawl into a hole and not talk to or see anyone, I have to keep going. And I have to be true to myself, the healthy, athletic girl who does not do hateful things to her body like binge on whatever's available.
OK, enough venting. Maybe the next blog will be happier.
Get An Email Alert Each Time TRAXINA Posts