Saturday, August 01, 2009
If you are out there reading this buckle your seat belts because this is going to be a long ride. It is a soul searching odyssey that I have been on for the past 3 hours since I have been back from the gym. (Sorry Sandra I did not call you as I promised I would from the gym. Sandra, my good friend knows how much I have been stressing because I fell like everyone was watching me. Yes I know I put myself out there and caused this. I was very vocal in my frustration this month in various posts and blogs about this STUPID goal I set up for myself not to weigh myself for 1 month. I know everyone was there rooting for me.) I feel as though besides letting me down I let them all down. I had to think this whole thing through and have my own pity party before I could talk to Sandra. Sandra always knows how to make eveyone feel better.
Well I did not hit the number I was looking for, not even close! I tortured myself this whole month by not weighing myself and I only lost 8 measly pathetic pounds. I know, 8 pounds lost is better than 8 pounds gained. 8 pounds lost is better than being on a plateau. OMG if that would have happened and the numbers said zero I would have totally lost it. I lost a safe amount of weight for the month, almost 2 ponds per week, but that was not what I was looking for. "Pass me some brie (my favorite cheese) with my whine."
I was being unrealistic. I was hoping that I would get under 330 pounds so that I could weigh my self at home on my scale instead of having to go to the gym to do it. That would have meant losing an unrealistic number of 27 pounds. Hell, I would have been happy with 20 pounds.
OK so now I am looking back at my Food Tracker to see what I did wrong. I love our Food Tracker this is one of the best tools we have available to us on Spark People. I can not find any fault here, there may have been a day or two I was slightly under my calories for the day and 2 days I went over by 1 calorie on two different days. It is telling me that I am usually low in my protein for the day however. I find it hard to hit that number being I eat no animal proteins. generally it was Ok and I don't think the problem.
I think the main thing that my food tracker is telling me is that I am no where near being back to 100% RAW. I know for a fact that when I was doing the Raw I was averaging a pound lost a day. However, I have been thinking about this lately and I am not ready to go back 100% RAW. I am enjoying my one meal of a curry over brown rice, or quinoa with a sautéed vegetable or a vegetable stir fry which are all very healthy but not Raw. I am concentrating on taking Baby Steps to insure that I stay on a healthy eating plan because when I tried to go back to 100% Raw I would be good for maybe a week and then I would binge and eat junk. I have eaten no junk since June 16th so that is a good thing.
June 16, I told you I have been investigating to see where I failed myself, was the first day I actually started to work Spark. I joined back on May 24, 2009 but joining Spark doesn't mean you automatically lose weight. You have to work it, the weight does not fall off by itself. There is no magic fairy out there with a magic wand. I was good for a week and I lost 10 pounds the first week which I am questioning my body, "WHAT THE HELL? I AM GOOD FOR THIS WHOLE MONTH AND YOU ONLY GIVE ME 8 MEASLY POUNDS? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" Can you tell I am so upset? Then as usual I yo yo back and binge and gain the whole 10 pounds back plus 2 more. When I started on Spark I weighed 371 when I weighed myself on June 16th when I first formally introduced myself on Spark People I weighed 373. June 16th was the day I set up my Spark Page. I did not do my 1st Blog till June 18th and even then it was not every day I would Blog. I know now that you have to work Spark to be successful. I wasted my first 3 weeks on Spark doing my regular yo yo thing. I have said it before and I have said it again - YOU HAVE TO WORK SPARK!
My blood sugar is another measurement to see how I am doing. I can not find fault there but it does have to be checked daily as it fluctuates. I have had hita low for me since I have been diabetic of 85 this Monday from a high of 309 (that's a 224 point reduction) so I am very happy about that. However, even today my sugar did not want to give me a high 5 to compensate for only losing 8 pounds. My reading this morning was 105. It is still a far cry from a high of 309 but couldn't my body have cut me a break and been lower today of all days when I am feeling down for only losing 8 pounds. I also know that my fellow diabetics out there are probably saying. "Are you kidding me? I wish my sugar was only 105." I am sorry but right now I feel the cosmic forces out there are working against me. Like I said earlier, " Can I have some brie (my favorite cheese) with my whine."
What am I going to do about this? I am very proud of myself that my first thought was not to go and pig out like I normally would have in the past. I always used to say, " It is not working so why am I bothering? I might as well eat and enjoy myself." I am not doing that.
I am going to go back and read through all of my Blogs to remind myself just how much I have grown on this journey with Spark People. I am going to celebrate how much I have achieved in this short time. I am going to be my own Cheerleader, instead of trying to find all of the negatives in what went wrong and concentrate on the positives.
I am going to try to convince my body that I am on the right track. I don't know, maybe my body is asking itself, "What is she doing now? When is the big yoyo coming?" Maybe my body is just as confused because of all of the yoyos I have put it through, all the ups and downs that it does not no how to react.
I do know that I am moving forward and not returning to my old eating habits and defeating ways. But I also know I am going to be very cranky today because did I mention I ONLY LOST 8 POUNDS THIS MONTH!