Thursday, January 07, 2010
Today in the gym, I had a moment. The people around me probably thought I was going crazy. Who cries at the gym? Me of course. Don't get too concerned, because I wasn't crying tears of sadness. I was crying tears of....PURE JOY! I knew once they started I would have a hard time getting them to stop, but I finally got myself under control.
It all started when I woke up this morning feeling a little discouraged as I stepped on the scale to check the BMI accuracy for my mom. I didn't want to get on the scale, because I am trying really hard to not worry about what the number says, but what I see and how I feel. I did it anyway and became immediately frustrated because the scaled hadn't moved much in the past few weeks...the progress was slight in my eyes only down 2 more pounds. After that I began to look in the mirror and pick myself apart. Then the negative voices in my head began to start lying to me once again..."you always quit", "who are you kidding, you have 60 lbs to go and that is a long way and too long of a commitment" "just give it up, it's just too hard" and many other things were going on.
After looking back at my reflection in the mirror and doing several poses (don't you dare laugh) to see if I could see any more definition I finally heard my mantra...."Slow and steady Wins the Race". That's it! That is what I will keep telling myself. I have to keep going, because I have been so consistent for the first time in my life. Once I had pumped myself back up enough, I got dressed and headed for the gym.
I really didn't feel like going today, but knew that I had to. I tried to do a little stalling by stopping at various stores along the way to just waste time looking around, but eventually I knew it was time to stop playing around and get to pumping some iron. After my weight training session, I headed back upstairs to complete my cardio. On my way my "My Machine" (the Arc Trainer), I stopped to glance at the advertisement for the "Transform Your Body Challenge" that I signed up for. Those voices came back in my head, but this time they were laughing at me saying, "Do you REALLY think you have a chance? You have GOT to be kidding. Are you really THAT serious and willing to do what it will take to complete this challenge?" I put down my stuff at my station, grab my water bottle, and walked away to the water fountain feeling discouraged once again, and that I was going to make a fool of myself.
While at the water fountain, it occurred to me that I HAD made progress. I have gone to the gym 5 days a week, only missing two days since Nov. 24th (the day after I joined the gym). I have lost 11 lbs and 8 inches in 1 month. Some of my clothes are beginning to feel loose. I have made some MAJOR changes in my eating pattern. I am doing great, and I can do it. I remembered the promise that I made o myself 2 months ago, which was to stop allowing fear to hold me back from myself and decided that I wouldn't give up. The eyes were beginning to well up, but I refused to let the tears fall. I turned to walk back to my station and stopped to take a long look at the poster and the winners from previous years. I looked at them and thought, "they didn't have many changes to make and I have a LONG way to go!" I don't even remember exactly what changed my attitude, but all of a sudden I looked at the poster once again and remembered what I was thinking at the water fountain and laughed out loud thinking "you CAN do better than that!" I can? YOU BET I CAN!!! (then came the water works).
I was standing on "my machine" when my life since high school began to replay like a movie in my head. I thought about everything that I had been through...good and bad and realized that...I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I am a survivor. I am a strong woman who has GOD on her side. I finally am beginning to accept and even like what I see on the inside and outside of me. I have people who love and support me, and will be cheering me along the way. Look at what you have shrunk down to so far. You CAN do it! You can change your life and make it better. The woman on the machine was trying not to notice me crying, but it was actually pretty funny to me when I started laughing out loud again and she looked at me as if I had completely lost it, which made me laugh and cry even more.
I decided that I better get off the machine, get some tissue and attempt to get myself together before more people start to notice, but it just got worse as I headed to the bathroom. Once I was finally composed, I once again headed to "my machine" for the 3rd time to get started. I turn on my mp3 and what starts to play?....Mary J. Blige's song, "Each Tear". I couldn't have planned that to happen even if I tried. Basically, I have cried A LOT of tears over the past 2 yrs, enough to probably fill a small pond. The song is basically talking about not feeling bad about things that have happened to you and the fact that you have been down. We shouldn't feel bad that we cry about things and sometime need a shoulder to cry on because....."In each tear/ there's a lesson./ Makes you wiser than you know/ Makes you stronger than before/ In each tear/Brings you closer to your dreams/No mistake/No heartbreak/ Can take away what you're meant to be. BUT my favorite part about that song that gave me the confidence and helped me realize that I can do whatever I put my mind to is where at the end of the song she says...You're much more than a struggle you go through/You're NOT defined by your pain, so let it go/You're NOT a victim/ You're more like a WINNER/ And you ARE NOT in defeat, you are more LIKE A QUEEN.
I have been set free to find out how far I can go and who I am....thank you JESUS! www.youtube.com/watch?v=bHmqQtAWD3A