TRACYZABELLE   138,806
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TRACYZABELLE's Recent Blog Entries

From the mind of a Super Morbidly Obese woman

Thursday, June 12, 2008

So as I was reading the new posts on one of my teams, a remark was made that someone who gets to be really large is trying to kill themselves. I seriously take offense to that because never in my wildest dreams (or nightmares) did I ever think my top weight would be nearly 500 pounds! The weight just "comes on" and you do not realize it! When you get to a certain size, another 10 pounds is nothing, it is not noticed and being I was never nor ever will be scale obsessed, I never realized how heavy I was until I went to the Dr or when I got on the scale at weight watchers. Considering the Dr's scale never went up high enough.

You cannot judge a whole group of people by 1 person you know in that similar position.
Sure we gained weight for different reasons.. I have a number of reasons why and I will tell you...

1- I did start to gain when I was younger to not appear pretty so the person who was sexually abusing me would stop. I was 145 then.

2- At 17, I left an abusive situation at home to come live with my Nana where I received love and food. I returned to my mother's home for a visit where a traumatic thing happened and I gained more. I was now 185

3- At 18, I tore the cartilage in my knee, started to gain weight, had 2 surgeries and ruined my chances of joining the Navy. I was now 250.

4- At 22, I got pregnant with my daughter (now 21) and got as high as 315 but 2 weeks after her birth I was back down to 250.

5- I began dating a Portuguese guy when my daughter was 2, he liked to feed me! In 2 years I gained another 50 pounds. I am now 300 pounds.

6- MY job closed and I was unemployed and sat around for a year-- gained another 50 pounds. I am now 350 pounds.

7- I dated another feeder for 8 years.. Within that time frame I gained over 100 pounds in a 4-year period from 1999-2003. I am now 450+.

8- I got rid of him, dated a friend I had known many years.. joined Weight Watchers and lost 52.2 pounds.. I almost got to "threedom", then I was put on a medication (provera) and I gained 30 pounds in 3 months. I had a hysterectomy and by almost 2 years later I was up to 474.2 in May on 2008.

I do not enjoy:

1- being judged when I put food in my mouth
2- being stared at
3- being made fun of
4- having pain when I walk
5- not being able to stand for long periods
6- wondering whether I will wake up in the morning
7- not being able to get up from my seat on the first try
8- not making to the bathroom on time
9- breaking furniture, toilet seats, car seats
10-not being able to shop off the rack for my clothing
and that is just 10 things.

I am not :

1- depressed
2- sad
3- trying to kill myself
4- useless
5- a piece of garbage that people can treat how they like

I AM

1- strong
2- smart
3- kind
4- honest
5- understanding
6- compassionate
7- empathetic
8- HAPPY
9- blessed
10-Trying to be the best I can be!

So that is my story and I am sticking to it. Just the view from inside a super morbidly obese woman's mind. Thank you for reading this. I hope it has opened some eyes.

Sincerely,

TracYZ

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHILLIWACK 9/9/2008 4:12PM

    Tracy, your blog brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face. How courageous you are, after all you have been through, to still be so positive. You go, girl!!

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RSOBIES 7/2/2008 4:38PM

    HUGS Tracey ....You can do this

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ITSNEVER2LATE 6/24/2008 6:03PM

    Amen.
emoticon Becky

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WHYMZECAL 6/23/2008 8:20AM

    Hello my friend!! Thank you so much for sharing this. I know how you feel. You are such an inspiration to me!! Keep up the GREAt work you are doing! Never ever give up on yourself!

You are loved and you are AMZING!!

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KARLYNCANDOIT 6/20/2008 12:54PM

    your blog is amazing and honest. That is the most inportant step to sucedding. You are doing great. Keep up the good work.

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JFROGDIVA 6/17/2008 7:43PM

    Tracy - you are not alone out there!!!! Most of us who are "large" didn't just decide to be this way!! It comes on you without you even realizing it!!!! Your blog touched my heart!!!! Thanks for sharing!!!! You are an inspiration!!!! Hugzz - Jae

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SHERRY_38 6/17/2008 2:56PM

    WOOHOO SISTA FRIEND! I know exactly what you mean!

Hugs to you,

Sherry

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LOVEMYKIDS:) 6/16/2008 6:42PM

    Tracy, your blog has touched me more than I can say. It let me know that there is actually someone who has the same problems as I do, but you are still a strong, wonderful, person. You really motivated me to want to change. I also need a buddy. emoticon

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KAREN_01 6/16/2008 4:52AM

   
I love your positive attitude despite everything that added to your weight gain!!
I love the fact that you know yourself so well and can make these statements so boldly.
You are a good friend and may I add motivator!!



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ROSEGONZALEZ 6/13/2008 4:54AM

    Thank you for posting your blog it has really touched me as I can relate to a lot of it. After being through so much I am glad you still have such a positive attitude! emoticon emoticon

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TXAUNTIECHELLE 6/12/2008 8:38PM

    TracYz - you are a valuable person on this site, in the lives of others, in this world!! You opened yourself and said things we have all felt. Thank you for being my champion!! M emoticon

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POSITIVELY_EB 6/12/2008 6:13PM

    emoticon
You hit the nail on the head! What you said is so true! Thank you for saying it so well!

And you go girl on the positives you know about yourself. Most people (including skinny ones) wouldn't be able to do that!

Hugs! Beverly

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JENNIFER2LUZ135 6/12/2008 4:04PM

    It never ceases to amaze me how people can demean other people without a care. Personally I think it is there own insecurity talking

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BELLACUORE 6/12/2008 1:38PM

    {{{{{{{{{{{{{TracYZ}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Your beauty far outweighs any number on a scale. I LOVE your blog because you shared painful memories and ended with how fabulous you are!

Before I go can we take a moment to chat over something~from this day forward please try not to use super morbidly obese woman to describe yourself. I know you had a point you were making but when I look at you I see a SUPER WOMAN! Take all the other words out, they are not kind you who you really are. YOU are a FABULOUS SUPER WOMAN!!! XOXOXOOOOOOOO emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CASEY-DIANE 6/12/2008 11:42AM

    Tracy,

Don't you just love it when people torment or judge you not based on YOU!

I love the way you stated everything. Very matter of fact.

And I absolutely LOVE your I AM'S!

You are all of those things and so much more.

Keep up the GREAT attitude, I am SO proud of you!

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SCHAUTEMOMMA 6/12/2008 11:24AM

    Ditto, Kiddo!!
Life just happened and weight just continued to come, but now you're working so hard to improve your health and lifestyle.
That doesn't sound like SUICIDE to me?

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JCROWELL 6/12/2008 9:52AM

    Tracy you are a beautiful wonderful woman and I am so glad to be on this weight loss journey with you! *hugs* ~jenn

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MBENNARD 6/12/2008 9:15AM

    Well said! emoticon

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HIRTKIMBERLY 6/12/2008 9:02AM

    Love your blog... You go girl... I love you knowing who you are...

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SPATTERS3 6/12/2008 8:38AM

    I could have written your blog entry. I don't want to live my life as a handicapped person - I have a choice, thank God ! I pray that you continue to lose weight and that your AC gets fixed today ! (I live in a trailer too and my AC went out 2 years ago - estimate $5,500 ! We chose to buy 3 cheap window units and they're doing just fine) -Sheila in KY

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SECRETO58 6/12/2008 8:12AM

    You go girl! emoticon emoticon

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LAYDIEJ 6/12/2008 2:27AM

    emoticon

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KIPPY_63 6/12/2008 2:25AM

    YOU.............Are AWESOME!!!!!!!

Well said girlfriend. I hear you loud and clear! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TUPPERWARE1 6/12/2008 2:12AM

    TracyZ Wow ! Well said and yes you are valued. It is very sad how people judge us on how we look on the outside.I wish you well on your journey.

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COLOMBIANMIMI 6/12/2008 2:06AM

  Tracy you are so strong. I love you! Keep going towards your goals whatever they are and start small. You have had success in the past so I know you can do it again. It is so admirable that you opened up so much on your blog and i hope your words reach others as they have reached me. You go girl!!

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Air conditioning saga part 2

Wednesday, June 11, 2008


Well the verdict is in-- $1150 to replace the compressor but we don't know if the unit in the house is ok.. I am trying to get a guy or gal to come in and see if the inside unit is ok! grrrrrrrr anybody got some air out there for me?? LOL!

A GF of mine brought over a 5000 btu window unit but it is not even cooling the living room-- it is really freaking hot in here!

Again I woke up drenched, my daughter did not think to open my door when they put the unit in the window-- so I woke up soaking wet-- may as well bed down i the tub.

I may just bite the bullet and have him fix it! We can not go the whole summer like this and why pay $700 for a big window unit when we will get the central air fixed, right?? Decisions decisions.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BKP4166 6/12/2008 1:15AM

    Well Tracy...If I could, I'd share our nice cool air with you...but I certainly understand your dilemma...a smaller air conditioner with some fans to move the air around to different areas...that's how we've done it...we don't have central air...house was built in 1920, so no insulation in the walls. Take care.
Kathy emoticon

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JENNIFER2LUZ135 6/11/2008 10:05PM

    If you can affrord to do it you will save money and aggravation. YOu are right you cant do without it under the circumstances

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JCROWELL 6/11/2008 9:12PM

    I hope you are able to find a solution soon. I lived in a mobile home for 5 years before moving in to my mom's house, and I know all to well how hot those suckers get. We didn't have air the first year we lived there, and I thought I was going to die (literally) from how hot it was. I'll be praying for you hon! *hugs* ~Jenn

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POSITIVELY_EB 6/11/2008 7:34PM

    I'd blow you some of my air, but it definitely is not cool and is way too humid. So I guess I'll just have to send you cool thoughts!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
Hugs!
Beverly

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Ut oh-- the AC broke

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Here in NJ our weather has been horrid! 100+ degrees and I live in a mobile home... I wake up from my nap (I work nights) this afternoon DRENCHED! So I ask my Daughter to turn the AC down a little-- well it was 90 in our home! The AC obviously is having issues-- on of course one of the hottest days of the year.. serviceman to come in the morning. Well lemme tell you-- I took a cold shower BRRRRRRRRR.. it took 10 mins to put on my undergarments including my compression garments.( I have lymphedema which causes my legs to swell so I wear very tight sock like things that were specially made for me) Then another 10 minutes to put on my pants and shirt (with a little cussing and frustration)-- this whole process usually takes 5 minutes total! SO I was so happy to get out to my car and turn on the AC. SO I will work until 7am and when I get home the park manager will meet me at my house to see what can be done.. I have some guys here at work too that may be able to help me too! Lets pray it is nothing too bad!

I know some people don't even have air conditioning, but being in a mobile home it is a necessity. Our unit is 16 years old so I am not sure what the fate is yet! It is central air. I did let my daughter know she will be responsible in helping with that bill considering I pay all the bills and it may not be pretty!

Keep Cool!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JENNIFER2LUZ135 6/11/2008 4:57PM

    I hope its not a terminal case for the airconditioner. Francie can empathize with you she just replaced her central air not long ago. I'll pray for you I know how important it is to you

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KIPPY_63 6/11/2008 4:02PM

    Turn this into a positive hun...for me. Heat shuts my appetite DOWN. So although being that hot is the pits, use it to drink that water and the rest will be natural. emoticon

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DIVALINDA 6/11/2008 11:06AM

    Oh - I hope its fixed and working again without too hefty a bill.

I'm in Southern Tier of NY - hopefully those thunderstorms that rolled through last night barreled over to NJ and brought down the humidity and heat there too.

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POSITIVELY_EB 6/11/2008 9:42AM

    Oh, Tracy! That's the absolute pits!!! I hope your AC is fixed now!

Hugs! Beverly

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Another successful weigh in

Saturday, June 07, 2008


** We weighed the cats yesterday too He is 18 pounds she is 10 pounds...."


Releasing weight is awesome! I don't say "losing" because I like to find what I lose! So today I had weigh in and I released .
.
.
.
.
.
.
1.2 pounds!

Hey I will take it! 1.2 pounds off is better than 1.2 pounds on!

Hope you all have an awesome day!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHERRY_38 6/9/2008 4:32PM

    Yay! You're really doing it! That is awesome!

Sherry

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JCROWELL 6/7/2008 9:23PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Congrats on the loss Tracy!!!!!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JENNIFER2LUZ135 6/7/2008 6:14PM

    Hey as long as it aint still with you who cares where it goes LOL
Congrats Tracy

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_KARA_ 6/7/2008 4:32PM

    That's great, Tracy! Keep it going!

Kara

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YAKIRA_AVIGAYIL 6/7/2008 3:37PM

    Congratulations...You are doing it! That's what count! You'll see those curves before you know it! Welcome to the Team!

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IVYLASS 6/7/2008 3:34PM

    Congratulations! I also "got rid" of two pounds over the past two weeks. You're doing great!

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POSITIVELY_EB 6/7/2008 3:07PM

    emoticon
High 5, girl! Good for you!

WooHoo!

Hugs! Beverly

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My feelings today

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

I am trying to reduce my weight so I do not become a burden on my daughter! I want her to be able to marry and have children and not worry about me. The guilt is overwhelming at times how much I really NEED her assistance with some things. IT really breaks my heart and I wish I never got as heavy as I have.

For me the time is now to reduce and keep the weight off as that very special 21 yr old in my life deserves a life of her own. I am not sure if she realizes how I feel but I do not want her to despise me one day.

The time is now to get a hold of the issue and do something! We can all do it-- we are worth the effort.

TracYZ

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MEEMAMEL 6/7/2008 8:23AM

  The time is NOW ....Tracy, we can do this . It's going to be the hardest thing to ever do but we can do it !!!!! Just think what kind of life YOU will have after losing the weight !!!!! Then someday Tanya will NEED you and you will be right there for her !!!!
Love Ya
Mel

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JENNIFER2LUZ135 6/4/2008 4:28PM

    I dont think she would ever see you as a burden but she will be happy to see you healthy enough to see and play with your future grandchildren

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POSITIVELY_EB 6/4/2008 12:27PM

    You are only proving what a wonderful mother you are, Tracy, by worrying about how YOUR health affects your daughter. By losing the weight, you not only free HER from any future responsibilities, you free YOURSELF!

If the daughter is anywhere near as kind and loving as the mother is, you have nothing two worry about. You are going in the right direction, and because of that the love you and your daughter have will only grow larger as you shrink! You are setting a great example for her.

Hugs! Beverly

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SPATTERS3 6/4/2008 7:55AM

    I'm sure your daughter would be aghast if she knew that you felt like you were nothing but a burden to her. She obviously adores you ! And of course you're absolutely correct in wanting to lose weight and get healthy for her benefit and for yours. Keep trying keep trying keep trying ! emoticon -Sheila

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