Friday, November 09, 2012
So, lately in not having a computer and having spent lots of time running, I have done lots of thinking. I have realized how much toxic stuff I put into my body, and I am not talking just food. I am talking, feelings and people AND literally stuff in my body.
I used to have days where I talked down to myself, and those are pretty much non exsistant, even on days when I do have a binge, I cut myself some slack and say it is one time right now, not another moment and move on, I am human and this habit certainly didn't form in 2 years, it will probably take a long time to totally go away. I life with feelings of guilt that feel awful to me about the time I take to myself. Lately especially I keep having this reoccuring thought about how here I have improved my own life by taking charge and taking time to myself, now my two older kids seem to be struggling so much, did I do the wrong thing? Am I taking too much? Should I be home with them right now instead of out here in 35*F weather running? I usually try to put an end to that with the thoughts of I need to be stronger for everyone in my family, my kids, my husband and myself included. If I am not strong, I will not be of much assistance to them somewhere down the road in someway.
I also had some pretty non supportive people in my life. I was told they were superficial by my husband (I hate when he is right). This started before I lost weight though, this started when I got pregnant and had a baby and none of them had babies. I was put out of the loop. The older Samuel got, the more I tried to get back in, but nothing seemed to work. In the mean time I had two friends that I didn't think were all that close to me rise up with the birth of my son and it brought me closer to them. Even when I started losing weight, I tried to get in with them and it never worked. I have realized that I don't need those people in my life anymore. I don't need to run circles around anyone to be accepted. If they don't like that my life is a little different with a younger child, or that I am smaller and have different goals and outlooks on life. So be it, I have really learned who my true friends are. Same thing goes with my relationship with my daughter, not that I am ending it by any means, but I have learned that her attitude doesn't need to impact me anymore. I am learning to step back and realize that she is old enough to learn from the mistakes if she is choosing to do things on her own and not listening to my husband and I.
I try to stay away from refined foods, I know they are bad for me, but for me if I worry about that right now on top of my own weight/food issues on top of my kid/life issues, it will probably send me straight to the looney bin. I always think that clean eating sounds appealing and I tell you BIG HUGE cheers to those of you have done it and found a way to happily do that, I wish I could be so strong. I just can't imagine my life right now making that big of a change. But I can start eliminating other toxins in my body, or as my son told me yesterday, poisons.
"Mom do you know your putting poisons into your body?" Upon watching me put my two splenda into my tea.....
"Yes, James I do realize that." Upon sitting down and drinking my tea.....then the wheels started turning......
It isn't about eliminating things all at once, this too is just like learning a healthier new lifestyle change, it is part of the process if you want it to be.
About four months ago (I wish I had written down the date cuz I don't really remember) I gave up diet soda from my day. I wasn't drinking tons, maybe 1 a day and sometimes 2. But I did see one thing.....when I was stressed, I would have the diet soda and then it usually ended up making me want to eat more. Almost like the sweetness of the soda, made me crave more sweet stuff. So, I gave it up. At that time I tried to eliminate articfical sweetners all together, but it just couldn't happen. I felt like it was too much and I felt like I was missing out on stuff I enjoyed (my teas and splenda in my yogurt) so back they came to my life.
Last night when James said something about it, I realized that I am using about 5-10 packets a day depending on what I am eating. I have at least 2 mugs of tea a day with 2 packets, and sometimes (especially lately I have three mugs, gotta stay warm somehow). If I have a yogurt, I have another packet. If I have oatmeal, I have two more packets. Yogurt and oatmeal are pretty much daily staples of mine as well, that is 10 packets of splenda. That is way too much. I agreed to him to cut back, the more I think about it the more I am thinking, why bother cutting back, might as well give them up all together. I am currently out of packets anyhow, so no better time. I am going to add 1 tsp. brown sugar to my oatmeal and try the yogurt with cinnamon or vanilla extract? I might have to add sugar to that as well though. As for my teas I am going to start with 1 tsp per cup I have. I think it will be less sweet than I am used to, but the other side to this is I don't want to use 10 tsp of sugar a day either. Right now I can use the calories anyhow, since I am still struggling to up my calories.
I am a work in progress, never a dull moment in my head or body where there is room for improvements!
Friday, November 09, 2012
Hello All my Sparkfriends. I hope that all is going well for each of you in your journeys to healthier lifestyles and your goals! I am finally back online having lost internet, a broken modem and sick kids! I don't even know where to start my update so it may end up jumping all around here.
I am doing well and all my kids are done with that nasty nasty cold that they all had, though I fear that my husband is getting it now. I thought we were in the clear after everyone was on the mend last week. It hit my middle child the worst who has asthma and it had him home for a week and in the doctors offices a lot checking his lung capacity and all that fun stuff.
DD is still having many issues going on, which I suspect will not go away until she is out of high school for good. I think they will start to subside a little when the college applicaction, financial aide stuff, grant applications and scholarships all go away in the mid winter. I am just learning to deal with her on this level. I am trying not to hold her hand too much as she wants to go it as much as possible by herself, but then she runs into stuff and needs help and that makes her angry and she uses that on me which makes me not want to help her. Somedays I have been handing her over to my husband and let him deal with her. I realize that the relationship I have had with her up til this year is changing and in that I get to change as well and I am learning to keep her stress seperate from mine (which is sooooooo much easier said than done, the feeling of wanting to help and fix things never goes away). I am doing better with not turning to food though. I will admit I have had some binges, but they were smaller, shorter and didn't lead to a day of binging which would have turned into many days and sometimes the end of my new lifestyle. Why is this? I give full credit to my commitment to running, will get to that later though.
Middle son is slowly making improvements as well and I am learning that I have to deal with him in a different way than my daughter. He needs to have support, but as limited as possible and if you try to give too much he gets bent out of shape. He had a horrible first marking period and is seeming to make a turn around knowing he was starting fresh in the second. Hopefully this keeps up. The daily homework battle is exhausting me.
Littlest child is doing well. We are almost completely potty trained, it is true, sometimes they just start when they are ready one day and that is how it happened. He had a wonderful birthday and we haven't been able to tear him away from his train table we bought for him.
Husband is keeping busy at work and he is closing next week on his next project. He is buying a two family house to rent out. This will be the means of our retirement when it comes to that. It is hard to save for retirement when you are self employed and we have money in IRAs and such, but they just aren't making the money we need, so he is doing this. I hope that it doesn't stress him out more though. Only time will tell.
I am still doing my thing. I don't think I ever blogged about my period of crappy running, if I did I apologize now. It started about 5 weeks ago and just kept going downhill, I was feeling down right crappy about running. I was doing 5.25 miles three days a week and then a 5K on the weekends. I didn't really get what was wrong but when went and did some research decided that I was in a way overtraining. My SP friend, MENNOLY was right, when she kept telling me I needed to change my plan. I was so intent on keeping up with my mileage, I never thought that maybe I was going about the mileage the wrong way, then it clicked. So, I started doing a 16 week half marathon training program. I think that I do well when people are telling me what to do and when to do it. I like the structure I guess. I am still running 4 days a week, but varying the distances. I do 2 easy days (3 miles) one average day (5 miles) and one long day (7). This week the long run is going to 8 miles. I also decided not to wait for Disney to do a half marathon. I am going to do one before I turn 40 in April of 2013. I am still planning on running Disney in January of 2014 and am starting to think "Maybe I will do the MARATHON in Disney" WHAT???? Did I just say MARATHON. I am not 100% sure yet, will see. All I know is when I started running and decided to do the half. When I was out running 4-5 miles, it seemed like I would never be able to achieve the half marathon distance. Well now that I am doing 6, 7, 8 miles at a time, I am starting to see how it will be achieved. I see the marathon now as the thing I could never achieve, but......maybe I can???? So, anyhow, I am running steady at a 9'20" to 9'40" pace most times I run. The program actually wants me to running slower, but it is hard to slow down your run. So, I run at a speed I am comfortable. I am very happy with my results so far and feel very content with my program. My weight is still slowly coming off. Last week I showed a gain, but I think it was the meds I was taking for my shoulder, which is SLOWLY making progress, I think I may end up with PT for it though. I am slowly able to get more sleep though so that is good. This week I weighed in at 153 pounds. I am not doing so well at upping my calories though and that is my focus this week. I need to hit at least the 1400 everyday and will aim for 1500. I don't feel like I need to lose more weight, even though all the calculators tell me I do. I am still overweight in a BMI and when I did an only body fat percentage, it came up with 31%, the average woman being 32%. I am still hoping for some skin tightening up, and on a positive note there, I did lost 3/4 inch in my waist, 1 inch in my hips, 1 inch in my legs and 1/2 inch in my arms last month. I notice that my arms are getting firmer on the bottom, though I haven't been able to ST in a long time with my shoulder.
So, I am going to catch up as much as possible, but I don't think I can go back as far as I was gone and still keep up.....so CONGRATS to all of you who hit personal goals and lost weight and maintained weight and are still here sparking. I will be on and off next week as well since on Friday we are leaving for Florida. I plan on bringing my pc, but we will also be doing the FL thing, Magic Kingdom, Sea World, Universal Studios as well as visiting with my Mother in law and her husband and my Sister in Law and her family. It should be a lot of fun.
Friday, October 12, 2012
I did. I threw away four dollars. At first I thought I was crazy for doing so. But again I see this as another step in the right direction that I wouldn't have to done in the past. Are you wondering yet why I threw away the four dollars?
I have had a few rough days here. One of those days I had to run to the store and on half impulse bought a container of natural peanut butter. I am out of my peanut butter, but I have Skippy here and could have made due with what I have until I got my regular jar at Costco, but I saw that container. It was a container from the store, so it was freshly made. It looked so appealing and I figured well it is only $4, so put it in my cart. BIG MISTAKE!
I got home and immediately tried it upon taking it out of the bag. Not only was it the yummiest thing ever, I think it was mismarked on the label and not just roasted peanuts, they were HONEY roasted peanuts peanut butter. Goodness it was heavenly. I put in the fridge and never stayed out of the first day. I kept going back and taking little spoonfuls, mind you this is during my binge day as well. This didn't help my binging at all. I couldn't leave the peanut butter alone.
The next day I woke up and put the container in the back of the fridge, thinking out of sight out of mind.....guess what???? NOPE, it was on my mind all the time, I again was in that container non stop. Little spoonfuls, piece of toast with the peanut butter on it, some with an apple. It was crazy.
Yesterday morning, the thoughts of it started again, so I got up and threw it away. My DH thought I was crazy and told me to at least bring it to my parents house (my family are skippy eaters) or give it to someone who would eat it. Nope, it went in the trash and then the trash went out to the big container.
Now I know what lots of people are probably thinking, as my husband stated when I tried explaining myself to him. "but peanut butter is healthy and putting on toast and apples isn't so horrible either".
Well for me it is horrible. When you could finish the pound of peanut butter in less than three days THAT IS HORRIBLE! I learned that peanut butter is a trigger food for me and when I am in a bad state of mind, it is going to be even worse. I will admit, I do little amounts of peanut butter on a spoon daily. Guess what else, I don't track it. It is never more than a teaspoon and I figure it is healthy for me and isn't going to hurt my overall plans. I know if I started eating more or gaining weight that would be the first thing I looked at as well. I also think the fact that my normal jar of peanut butter goes into the cupboard that has a lock on it (this is due to I keep my chocolate chips and baking goods in there and two times before Samuel was two, he got in there and dumped the bags of chips and ate them off the floor) So having the lock on it makes it not so accessible and when if I binge it is all about easy to get to and put in my mouth.
So, the peanut butter went in the garbage even though it cost me $4 and DH was bothered that I did it. I don't care, I know for me it was one of the best things I did for myself this past week during the situation going on at my house and let me tell you I still did exercising during this bad time I had, one night I had a horrible eating day and still went and ran 5 miles, that is good for me. Throwing away the peanut butter was FAR better. It also gave me a feeling of control. Like I proved something to someone, though it was only to myself. I felt powerful when I was done. This morning I am feeling better than I have all week, maybe that powerful feeling is helping who knows.
I do know that I do it again. There is no reason to keep something around that is going to deter you so much from your goals and that is what it would do to me. I ate TOO MUCH of it, which in turn makes me feel guilty and that usually leads to me eating more food. The same goes for eating something you aren't enjoying, just because you think you should. My daughter is again trying to regain her control of food and for two days in a row had eggs for breakfast and ate them. Then says last night, she hates them. Then don't eat them! There are plenty of options out there for healthy meals that you will enjoy!
Speaking of eggs and totally off the topic here though, I am enjoy egg meals in a cup. Using a mug, you make scrambles with lots of stuff in them. Yesterday I did one with cheese, light sausage and eggs. This morning I used leftover chicken fajita stuff and did that with the eggs. YUMMY.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
I want to start out by saying that I am not ignoring all the wonderful supportive comments I have received on my Scary Place blog. I am just kinda chilling about the whole thing right now and want to give them the proper responses. I can't begin to tell you all how amazing it makes me feel that I have such great friends here on spark that I am able to get that kind of support.
I am still not feeling 100% myself yet. My usual, get up and tackle the day like the superhero I usually feel like. I have been trying to analyze things each moment of each day and let me tell you, it is exhausting! I need to relax a little bit and just focus on one thing at a time. Yesterday was probably one of the worst days of eating I have had since I started SP. One of my Sparkfriends referred to the fact that I was on auto pilot and auto pilot likes to eat. This made such perfect sense to me. So I need to break free of that cycle in even small ways. That was why I did the exercising last night. It was late, but I knew even if it didn't make me feel like a million bucks and like things were going to be back on track, I figured I wouldn't regret it and it was something that that old me wouldn't do, which I felt was breaking free of auto pilot.
I also am wondering about how much my sleeping habits right now are playing into effect. I am still going to bed at the same time and waking at the same time, but I don't sleep well at all. I hear every sound that goes off in my house lately, probably deep down due to knowing how my daughter is feeling. The other issue is with my shoulder. I am using a heating pad when I go to bed, which helps a lot with the tightness and dull pains I am feeling still. Then I wake up when it has cooled down and heat it back up again. Last night it was very painful and I took meds in the middle of the night along with heating up the pad three times. This isn't how I can live for the rest of my life. So, next week I have a billion appointments with daughter, hopefully we will get a schedule for her and then I can move on to taking care of my shoulder. I also should probably make sure I am modifying any moves I am doing on my opposite days from running. I am sure doing the JM dvd last night didn't help my shoulders much at all. Anyhow, I am tending to get up at six and get the big kids off to school and then sit on the couch. Normal me, would be up making my own breakfast and tea when they left and then starting my day. The past few days I am sitting on the couch, nodding off if Samuel isn't awake or mostly he will sit with me and cuddle in and watch a movie. When I wake up from a nap, I notice I have a hard time making good food choices. I have NO clue why this is. But I do KNOW for a fact that when I was at my worst two years ago I was in this same pattern. My big kids would leave and I would go back to bed until 8-8:30 and then make horrible food choices.
So, I vowed not to do that today. I made myself stay awake and though I did rest, I wouldn't let myself nod off. It is a catch 22 though, on one hand I NEED the sleep, since I am not getting any, but on the other hand the sleep isn't my helping my inner person (or outer person if I keep eating that way) so I have to try something else. I am hoping that maybe after a couple of days I will be ready to crash at night and go to bed super early and fall asleep. We will see how this goes. I am going to finish up here and do some Pilates (not anything with legs though, I think that isn't helping my runs lately, which have been horrible as well.....) and some Qi Gong which I tried the other day and really enjoyed. Then it is my "funnest" day of the week.....cleaning day! Did some last night, but still have enough to do along with getting Samuel to the library and daughter to an xray appointment! Woohoo, off we go, I hope you all have a wonderful day!
Tuesday, October 09, 2012
So, this weekend, I tried hard not to think about the ER visit I had with my daughter on Friday night that resulted in no answers and us not getting home until 2am in the morning with the almost 3 year old (I can't believe in 11 days my baby will be three). Anyhow, I know there are reasons that I was trying not to think about it. It is going to send me to a bad place. A place I have been before with her. A place that lead me to add 30+ pounds in one year to my already 250 pound self. I will try to sum it up, but I know I won't be able to cover all of it in this one blog. It would take forever!
As I have talked about in past blog, my daughter suffers from depression and anxiety. She also suffers from severe cycles and a groin pain that has pretty much put her in a state of not wanting to do any exercise. This is the pain that sent her to the ER the other night. I already knew what the problem was deep down and again I ignored it because I was hoping they would find something, but they didn't and I knew they wouldn't. I knew that this was all caused by the stress which leads to the depression and anxiety. I haven't had time to talk to her about this, and I am dreading this discussion. She hasn't had a clear moment yet that seems good to talk to her about it. She will get upset when we talk about it since she thinks I am saying the pain is in her head and that isn't what I mean at all. I know the pain is real and that she feels it. What I do mean is that the pain is manifesting itself as a pain in her body. She has been talking about alot of the same things that she talked about 2 years ago. She won't really talk about them in person, she texts me at night and leaves me messages online. It is very stressful and hard to read and hard to deal with. She had seen a therapist for a bit and that kinda helped and kinda didn't. Then her therapist left town and she wanted to try over the summer to wean herself off the meds, she was tired of taking them and not feeling all the much better, she thought maybe taking herself off of them would make her feel more in control. For awhile (the summer) things seemed to be heading slowly in a good direction. Do not get me wrong the girl still had many bad days. Once going back to school though, I noticed it coming back and it is progressing far quicker than it has in the past. She confided in me yesterday such heartbreaking things for a mom to listen to, but did say she wants to go to therapy again.
This is a trigger for me. The phone would go off and I would head to the cupboards like Pavlovs dog! I am not exaggerating either. I would start with something that I thought would cure my want for a comfort food, something sweet and carby and pick a granola bar or something semi healthy, then it would just go from there. I would sit and eat calories upon calories of food until I felt sick to my stomach and tired and wanted a nap. I was disgusted with myself for giving in again. That phone noise something still sends me into panic mode, but I have coped with it better in the past year. I am very nervous about now though. I am nervous about what it will say from her and how I shoud react. It is hard for me to keep calm, a lot of times I want to yell and scream at her because I just don't understand why she feels this way, but I must keep in mind all of this is real to her and that I am not her and she probably doesn't understand it either.
So, this is where I was sitting two years ago. I specifically remember being at my youngests 1st birthday party and friends knowing I had a rough weekend with her and my looking at them enter the room and I wanted to cry because I could tell on their faces they wanted to talk to me about it and console me but it wasn't possible at that time. I wanted to have a breakdown. I was eating out of control behind closed doors.
Here I am two years later, having taken off all that weight and looking down the same path. I remember having thoughts that we would have all of this under control by the time she was a senior and that she could enjoy her remaining year in high school, and that is not the case. This path I head down is scary for many reasons, some reasons for my daughter who is in a bad place in her head and some reasons for me. I wonder if I am prepared to go through all this again and not go back to being Pavlovs dog. I think I am stronger, I think I am ready, but then I wonder if I am lying to myself and trying to tell myself those things. So, I sat down this afternoon with a cup of tea and thought about things. I thought about:
What is different this time?
What is the same this time?
How can I prevent that panicy feeling from even happening?
What can I do when it does and I am not feeling in control?
One thing that is different is I am a stronger person for myself right now. Two years ago I would have never thought about things I could do besides eat, I just ate. I have many different ways to deal with things and I need to remember them during my harder moments. I am a healthier person and feeling better about myself will hopefully enable me to help her more.
The thing that is the same is the panic feeling when the phone goes off. The feelings that I shouldn't go to bed in case she wakes up and feels badly and won't come talk to me and lay there alone and feel more upset. She is no stronger and that makes me sad and scared.
There probably isn't much I can to stop the panic feeling or the thoughts from roaming my brain, but I can learn to handle them better and mostly that will probably be in the form of exercising and sparkpeople. I can do things to calm me. Today I tried Qi Gong, which I REALLY enjoyed. I didn't think it would since we all know what a sweat junkie I was. The nice thing about it is that I didn't sweat though. So, that is something I could do anytime of the day and not have to worry about cleaning up when I am done. I know I have my runs and those always put me more at ease, but it isn't always possible for me to lace up and head out. I can always get on sparkpeople as well. Read motivational stories and others blogs. Catch up with my sparkfriends newsfeeds and blogs. Write blogs of my own if I need to. I also changed the ringtone of my text message in hopes that it won't stress me out so much.
Today I made all the appropriate calls to all the people I needed to. We will be seeing her pediatrician tomorrow and get a referral from him for a couple of different therapists he recommends. I called the pain management people so they can see her next week and help her learn to deal with the pain without always having to pop advil. I called the old office where she want and told them to have her file ready for anyone I needed to send it to in the upcoming weeks. I called the insurance company to see how I can find out if the people we are referred to are covered on our insurance plan. All done, all stuff I was dreading.
Now it is time to head back down this path, but I am better armed this time and I do know more than I did last time. I know what to expect somewhat and I have to have faith that things will work out for the best, even though it may again be a lengthy process and there will be many bumps.
Thanks for listening to all of that sparkfriends! I am ever so thankful to have an outlet knowing that I will not be judged, nor will my daughter and that I have such a great support system.
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