Friday, February 25, 2011
I had some of the weirdest dreams last night. In one, I was in a wheel chair. I have been in a wheel chair in previous dreams except that I could walk. I'd get up and walk perfectly normally and people would stare usually in my dreams. This one had a new twist. The person asked me about it and I said something about needing to ask "the peanut gallory" about that sometime since I didn't understand the explanation that the doctor had given me the first time.
In another dream last night, I woke up in a hospital bed. I looked around and noticed that it was a hospital bed. I guessed I was in a hospital as a patient but had no idea why. i did have a headache and a lot of ringing in my ears but felt perfectly normal otherwise. I heard someone enter the room behind me. The person unzipped/zipped something and I heard a sound that sounded like flip flops being tossed into the floor. I thought I might have a new roommate and was going to roll over to see. It felt so real that it felt like I was in a mix between my room and a hospital when I woke up. I started thinking about how I sometimes fear losing my mind and going to a luny ben. I have heard good things about one of the hospitals here and once even fantasized about going into the psyc ward. But, I still fear losing my mind in this way. I suspect it is because I have always known that I am different than a lot of the people around me because I think differently. I have always been a very negative thinker. When i was a child, I had a horrible temper that I sometimes lossed control of. I still think about the odd fear of monsters coming out of the drain of my shower that I had when I was very depressed. It creeped me out because I felt scared of the monsters, knew that monsters don't exist and feared that I was losing my mind all at the same time. I sometimes wonder if the strange monster thinking will come back if i get really depressed. But, my psychiatrist was funny. He asked me if I put something over the drain in the shower. I said "No." I just laid looking in the direction of the door to the room that the bathroom is attached to. If you have ever felt like someone was directly behind you, then you have an idea of how the monster thinking felt like.
I just had to tell someone that doesn't actually know me. I like the anonymity of this site at times for some of my mental health stuff.