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Weird dreams

Friday, February 25, 2011

I had some of the weirdest dreams last night. In one, I was in a wheel chair. I have been in a wheel chair in previous dreams except that I could walk. I'd get up and walk perfectly normally and people would stare usually in my dreams. This one had a new twist. The person asked me about it and I said something about needing to ask "the peanut gallory" about that sometime since I didn't understand the explanation that the doctor had given me the first time.
In another dream last night, I woke up in a hospital bed. I looked around and noticed that it was a hospital bed. I guessed I was in a hospital as a patient but had no idea why. i did have a headache and a lot of ringing in my ears but felt perfectly normal otherwise. I heard someone enter the room behind me. The person unzipped/zipped something and I heard a sound that sounded like flip flops being tossed into the floor. I thought I might have a new roommate and was going to roll over to see. It felt so real that it felt like I was in a mix between my room and a hospital when I woke up. I started thinking about how I sometimes fear losing my mind and going to a luny ben. I have heard good things about one of the hospitals here and once even fantasized about going into the psyc ward. But, I still fear losing my mind in this way. I suspect it is because I have always known that I am different than a lot of the people around me because I think differently. I have always been a very negative thinker. When i was a child, I had a horrible temper that I sometimes lossed control of. I still think about the odd fear of monsters coming out of the drain of my shower that I had when I was very depressed. It creeped me out because I felt scared of the monsters, knew that monsters don't exist and feared that I was losing my mind all at the same time. I sometimes wonder if the strange monster thinking will come back if i get really depressed. But, my psychiatrist was funny. He asked me if I put something over the drain in the shower. I said "No." I just laid looking in the direction of the door to the room that the bathroom is attached to. If you have ever felt like someone was directly behind you, then you have an idea of how the monster thinking felt like.

I just had to tell someone that doesn't actually know me. I like the anonymity of this site at times for some of my mental health stuff.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MINNA72 2/26/2011 6:56AM

    Tracy,
I read somewhere that dreams about hospitals can signify a feeling of helplessness. That you are at your wit's end and need someone else to help you. Maybe in a way those dreams are healthy, your mind telling you what's going on?

I don't know, I'm no expert, obviously. I hope you figure it out and find something to help you feel better.



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CAMELA_55 2/26/2011 6:35AM

    Thanks for sharing your feelings and fears. I hope talking about it helped you feel better. Anytime you want to talk, I'm here to listen. I know it always helps me to know I am not alone in my fears.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 2/26/2011 6:36:09 AM

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Sparkaversary

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

I just checked to see when my sparkaversary was and it was yesterday the third. I am pleased that I have lost around 20 pounds since I joined SP. I have re-gained some which is why I am keeping it at around 20 instead of a little over 20.

I am hoping to get some of my motivation back by trying out the January bootcsmp team/challenge. I am not sure if I will be able to stick with it. It wants five sessions of cardio each week. I don't know if I can do that. I had a little trouble with the short video because I can't do jumping jacks and didn't understand how to do some of the exercises. I think ten minutes is doable though.

I am still eating too much. I am also annoyed that I probably allowed a thing of eggnog to go bad because of my limiting my drinking of it. (I had other goodies in my apartment too.)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SKIRNIR 1/4/2011 8:35PM

    The Kickboxing video is the hardest. The rest are strength training videos. For some reason the 10 minute cardio videos always are incredibly difficult for me.

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2010! Hopes for New year!

Saturday, January 01, 2011

2010 was a mixed bag for me. I had some great times including the play that I was in, some new ideas for my church, blogging on blogger for the first time and writing a devotional for my church. Yet, I had some struggles with finances (they stink!) and had a new manager a few days ago. I have not figured out how to sell any of my pictures. I had hoped that I'd find a way to start working on that for 2010. I had hoped that my finances would get better in 2010 but I didn't look for a second job or a different job. I still don't want to try to do to jobs because i find one job to be stressful. How could my little brain handle two jobs when I find one sometimes overwhelms my little brain at times? I don't even know what type of job that I would like. I love to write, draw, and perform in public but can't handle almost any confrontation from others. I like activity and variety at work but struggle when i feel out of control at work. I hate when there is problem that I can't do anything about because it is someone else issue such as pictures that never got to my store, prices that are too high... I really don't want to try for retail again. I would rather work in human services but I suspect that there isn't many jobs out there for that. I know that my local food pantry is ran with a small staff and volunteers. If one can get a volunteer to do something, why would they want to hire someone like me?

What are my hopes for 2011? I hope to figure out how to start a lay counseling ministry. I know of one place that does this and hope to visit to learn more on how they started it and how they handle certain potential ethical issue that was mentioned in my human services courses.
I hope to reduce the amount of money that I am taking out of savings. I am trying to get a little bit of financial assistance to help in this area. I might try to get a different job but I want to be able to spend time on church stuff and maybe another series of plays. I might audition later this month for one that plays in March.
I hope to loss weight but I haven't been doing that much lately. I am hoping to get back to it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CAMELA_55 1/2/2011 11:58AM

    Don't lose heart! So many folks are struggling. We had a little savings and it was completely wiped out by our property tax bill and funeral expenses for my SIL. Seems like there is always something, but we can't give up. Better days are ahead.

emoticon

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TACOTA 1/1/2011 4:39PM

    I know that sometimes life can be full of challenges. I know this firsthand. My last 11 yrs have been OVERWHELMINGLY not in my favor. Part of that was due to choice, and some of it was not. I firmly believe with God's help we can overcome ANYTHING and I do mean ANYTHING that puts obstacles in our way of living a prosperous, genuine, happy life. I want you to know that I know you can lose the weight. I too have some serious financial woes, but you know what, I know that GOD is bigger than all of those things, even though it seems I'll never dig myself out. You will be in my prayers. I know that somehow, someway, this year is going to TURN AROUND. I just know it. God loves you and wants for you to live abundantly. Believe this even when it seems almost an unachievable task. Hang tough! He knows where you are, and everything works together for good to them that love the Lord. In HIS timing, which is always the right timing.
I don't know how God's gonna do it, but God's gonna do it. Keep telling yourself that.

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whiny post

Thursday, December 16, 2010

I am in a very crappy mood. I hate that I seem to lose my brains when someone gets irritated with me. If someone communicates by body language or raising their voice that they are frustrated or irritated at me, I just seem to instinctly try to avoid all confrontation like the world will end if I have to deal with it. I sometimes wish that I was a little more sane than I am. Why do I avoid like the plague? Do I think the person is going to get violent or something? I know that I used to think that as a child with my parents. So I refused to turn my back on them once they yelled at me even if it was to tell me to do something that required me to walk away to obey the order. My step-father never could stand this odd behavior. I hate that I don't respond in a predictable manner in high stress or situations that involve an annoyed or irritated person. Even if they are polite, I still seem to act have luny.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SERENEMOM71 12/30/2010 11:32AM

  The holidays, winter, shorter days, snow, cold, all of that is so stressful! It can put anyone @ edge, let alone those of us who are hurting. I hope that you took Carol's advice and are doing better. I wish for you health, love, God's grace, serenity, and joy for the new year. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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RACHELSBAMA 12/16/2010 3:11PM

    Honey, you are not looney. Something harmed you in the past and this is how you react. I suggest that you find a good person to talk to about it and get passed it as you don't want this to hang over your head all your life.
I was abused terribly as a child but I got help to overcome my fears and "loonieness".
You just need a little help honey, don't beat yourself up about it...it is not your fault.
oxoxoxox
Carol emoticon

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Plays and snow

Sunday, December 12, 2010

I felt like I was going to blow away as I walked over to the theatre today. Church was canceled today due to the weather. We had over 200 tickets sold but not everyone made it to the show. I saw a sea of faces with some spaces here and there.
Since we have a cast of forty people, a lot of the kids are assigned to the studio. The studio room was very cold today due to the weather. They were wearing jackets when they weren't in the show or changing their clothes. I don't know how they tolerated the cold while changing clothes. I was surprised that the theatre doesn't cancel shows. Our director said it that way in his e-mail. I was also pleased that we had a full cast or close to it!
Well, I have one more weekend of the play and then I will probably miss everyone and the fun of having some where to go on the weekends.

  


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