Monday, September 17, 2012
Quick update on my furry brother: He is doing a lot better. He has had no personality changes at all and is now eating regularly. His walking and eye movement has improved further but he still has a head tilt and leans to one side when walking and running. All in all we are feeling very optimistic about him now. So thanks for all the well wishes on my last blog post. :)
My diet was so-so yesterday and the three days before that it has been bad. I didn't exercise at all and have gained half a pound since the day I started this all. I wasn't tracking anything I ate and I would be embarrassed if I had to. My family bought a lot of junk food this past week and I've just been really lazy due to stress from the dog and my mom. I should have been able to control myself but I didn't. I'm ashamed and have been beating myself up all morning over it. I feel like a failure and am completely demotivated.
I feel like my family doesn't understand, my mom and grandmother didn't know I was trying to lose weight but earlier this week they kept telling my how "thin" I was looking and how I shouldn't lose weight because I would lose my "curves" (I'm all stomach, seriously) and how skinny people are gross looking. I just wanted to yell at them to shut up and leave me alone. I felt so self-conscious, I wanted to go back to having an eating disorder. They don't know how it makes me feel. I've tried to tell them before to not comment on my body but my mom reacted very weirdly and yelled at me for being a terrible person or something of that nature. Now I feel as if I can never bring it up... Like how I feel is irrelevant in comparison to them being able to talk and gossip about our diets, our bodies and our choices. I don't tell them to lose weight why do they tell me to NOT lose weight? Their perception of what is healthy is very warped, either that or they are jealous or want to keep me in the house forever. I'm sick of this, I feel helpless.
Having a blog is like having a toxin filter for your mind. The more I write the more I can let go, the more I let go the better I feel. I am drinking anxiety tea and my appetite has finally returned. Time for a late breakfast once again.