Thursday, July 14, 2011
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
No. Unless you count the song "Tammy's in Love"
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
NOT Yesterday!! :) The day before I think.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Turkey I guess.
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I would think so
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Nope. They came out when I was 5
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
No. Nor do I have the desire to jump from a perfectly good airplane.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
probably corn pops or cap'n crunch, but I really do like the Kashi cereal that I have been eating.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
sometimes, but not often.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Not usually. I guess I have my moments.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Rocky Road, Phish Food, and Mint Chocolate Chip
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
In general... hmmm... the way they carry themselves (happy or depressed)
15. RED OR PINK?
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
18. WHAT IS THE PAUL MCKENNA TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST?
I could probably answer this if I knew who Paul McKenna was.
19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
white/silver/purple running shoes
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Activa Strawberry yogurt
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Songs on my computer. right now it's "This Life" by Curtis Stigers (the theme from the show Sons of Anarchy)
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
depends on the day. :) sometimes I want to be purple, sometimes a pretty forest green.
23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Lilacs (the real ones), horses, leather, pine, Thom
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
Mountains. Not that I dont' enjoy a lovely beach, but I'm a mountain girl at heart.
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Eventing... or hockey
27. HAIR COLOR?
28. EYE COLOR?
License says Hazel, but one is actually green and one is blue.
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Not since I got Lasik 6 years ago.
30. FAVORITE FOOD?
pizza, lobster (grilled not boiled), fresh rainbow trout from a rocky mountain stream cooked over a camp fire
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer, but not too hot and dry
35. HUGS OR KISSES?
WHY CHOOSE!! :)
36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
something with fresh berries, even if it's just berries and cream. Chocolate is good too. :)
37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
so many differing uses.... hard to choose.
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Nothing at the moment. :( Need to pick up a new book.
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Horse & Rider jumping out of a water complex. I think it's Karen Stives.
42. FAVORITE SOUND?
horses chewing, wind blowing through the trees, a mountain stream, "I love you"
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
eh... Stones if I HAVE to choose I guess
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Seoul, South Korea. 3 times with the Army Reserves. 2nd place goes to Russia when I was 19.
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
The ability to make everyone think I'm WAY more organized than I really am.
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
New Lebanon, Ohio
48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?
Outside is white. Kitchen is orange with dark cabinets and light floor, great room is tan with dark floor and accents of greens and browns, foyer/hall are green, downstairs bath is orange, upstairs bath is green, bedrooms are tan, blue, tan/green and yellow.
49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?
Explorer is black. Scooter is red/black/white.
50. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 50 QUESTIONS?
Thursday, July 07, 2011
I need to do an "end of BLC 16" update as well, but that's going to be long on its own (plus I haven't done a pic or my Winches yet). It's been a couple weeks since my last blog. My anniversary. Hard night. Hard day. Came home and started drinking (butterscotch schnapps and ginger ale). Did I mention I was a light-weight? I did my first drunk text that night too. Not proud of that. Had a breakdown (again) and I guess it seemed like the thing to do. See... there's a reason I haven't been drinking much the last few months. I know better. Just that day... I dunno... too much pain.
There's still pain. Trying to move past it. 10 days ago... well, I won't say it all disappeared or I found the way past it, but a conversation was had that changed the situation just enough. Thom & Chris told me they missed me in their lives. Asked if we could try to find a way back ... at the very least to be non-awkward friends if not more than that. Words that I've wanted to hear since February. Hugs I've longed to feel since then too.
Some truths came out that night, and since. Some explanations that have lessened parts of the hurt. For those I'm grateful. I know some will think me naive... and I'm sure they're not entirely wrong. I want my family back. I want my love back. I've never stopped wanting those things even when I was starting to understand? believe? realize? they weren't going to be there.
We're nowhere near there yet. Have hung out a few times and had some fun. Taking it slow. And mostly I'm ok with that. Too weighed down with baggage involving trust I suppose to really be ok with moving quickly. Of course that doesn't stop me from finding myself wanting those touches, those looks. Lots more conversation needs to be had and I think will be had.
Some people knew most of this already. My wolves. And I know many of them, and many others that are my SP friends who read my diatribes here are concerned... worried about me getting hurt again. Trust me on this... I'm worried enough for all of us. I don't know what's going to happen. I wish I knew. I know what I hope for and when I checked in with them, what they want. Right now that's the best I can do to assuage any fears, even my own. Trusting what I'm hearing is hard, but at this point I have to try.
One other thing... evidently if you don't lock your SP blogs down to friends only, then they're public. And not just SP public, but public public. Turns out Thom & Chris have been reading my blogs here since March. I won't explain it properly so I'm not going to try. I know at least one person is upset with them that they wouldn't say anything. I've been giving an explanation that I accept and I'm letting it drop. I've gone back and read what I wrote and haven't/won't apologize for anything other than to say that many things I should have said directly to them - but at the time didn't think it would do any good other than to cause problems.
Anyway, I guess I'm posting this so that anyone else who is using SP blogs to vent about whatever knows that unless they're locked down... pretty much anyone can read them.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
I'm a date geek. I remember dates. Not formal history type dates, but dates that mean things to me. It's handy and fun usually... but the problem comes when the dates mean things that are important but hurt like hell. Today is an example of that.
I love the summer solstice. That's today. It also is my anniversary. Or at least it would be if Thom was still around. 3 years ago right now, I think I was cooling off in the creek after setting up the grounds at the park for our handfasting before getting dressed and whatnot. Then dinner... then our ceremony at sunset... then drinking, laughing, a small bit of drumming and a bonfire (and of course consumating the marriage). It was a great day... even when the generator gave out and all the lights for the ceremony went dark. Oh well. Right now I'm fighting crying as I write about it.
I miss being married to him... having him around. I still miss him. Hell, I still love him. I know I need to let that go and move on. Just can't quite convince my heart of that. I don't know how. someone recently told me that I need to not let him come around -- that it throws me every time. Haven't talked to him in days... haven't seen in him more than that... and here I am, thrown. I'm better when I'm busy, surrounded by others. But the reality of life is that I'm not busy 24/7... I'm not surrounded by others 24/7 either... nor can I be. So where does that leave me? Remembering dates and feeling like I can't breathe. I'm so tired of feeling this way... but I don't know how to stop. At this point I'm not sure it will. But then I say that and *I* want to smack me. Again, it's something I *know* but I just don't *feel*. I know it will get better... but I don't feel like it will. I know I need to let go and move on... I just don't feel like I can or ever will. I know all these things... but (to paraphrase Sally Field in "Steel Magnolias") I wish someone would explain it to my heart.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Not sure why my blogging has tapered off lately. I enjoy it. It's a release for me... especially here when there are SO many supportive people, both with the weight loss and the personal issues. So why haven't I been blogging? I don't know. There's a chance I've hit the "I've talked and talked about this -- I'm quite sure theyr'e tired of reading my whines... I know I'm tired of thinking it" syndrome, but I don't think that's the whole story. I'm just not sure what IS the whole story.
My parents are coming for their visit Thursday. they've offered to help with projects while they're here. I can use the help, for sure. I guess I'm a little apprehensive on their visit though... just don't want the questions, the comments, the looks. Not that they'll intentionally do things to make me feel bad, but I can't hardly talk to people about Thom yet without tearing up... and I dont' want to get that way in front of my parents. i just don't. We're not THAT close. But at the same time, i know they're coming up to support me and I love them for that. My brother told me he'd thought about surprising me this weekend... but they JUST drove 1300 miles moving from Montana to Iowa and isn't sure he wants to SEE a highway for a while, much less drive another 8 hours one way.
Have quite a few projects lined up though. Not sure we'll get through all of them...
-- paint the kitchen. It's a yellow color now and I'm thinking terra cotta would be nice. something of a Tuscan feel to the color.
-- install a light above the sink. There's already a switch we can attach it to (controls the disposal and the lights on top of the cabinets - which I never use. Need light there though.
-- install rain gutters on the back of the barn. Have had them for a while... just need help installing them.
-- clean the bar. Opening the bar for a hangout on Saturday... so it really needs to be cleaned! Including the floor of the workshop area as the chickens have made a mess getting in there.
-- install fencing. Going to put a layer of mesh fence on the existing fenceline to help keep the chickens contained to the pasture. I love watching them by the house and having them follow me to the barn (it's only mildly creepy), but I'm tired fo them tearing up my plants not to mention all the chicken poop everywhere. Time to contain them!
-- finish the 2nd raised garden bed near the back patio. I started on it yesterday, but it needs to be finished.
-- change out shower heads in the downstairs bathroom and possibly install a shower in the upstairs bath.
I think that was the list. I'd love to start painting the barn a little at a time, but I don't think we'll get to that this weekend. :) I'll be happy to get through half of that list to be honest. They said they'd work but I don't want to kill them at the same time, right? :)
Have started talking to a new friend online. Some question marks are coming up about her and right now I'm just trying to sort it out. Basically, there are things about her that she's told me or things that have come up that make me wonder if she's for real (no really). Just when I'm convinced one way, she says or does something that makes me wonder. I haven't met her in person... been having some really nice (supportive) conversations online. If she is for real... I have a new friend. If she's not, I have information that I'll have to take to a couple people as while not criminal, weird is a mild term for it and some folks in certain organizations will need to know to make informed decisions. I know that sounds a little shadey and a lot confusing... just have to leave it at that for now.
As for Thom... saw him and Chris yesterday when they came out to move the trailer closer to the road since they're selling it. They didn't hang out. Talked for a minute but then they left. I gave Thom a paper sack with some books I had kept that I thought I'd get time to read but that probably won't happen anytime soon so he should take them... a couple t-shirts including the one that I slept with for 2 months... and the cord from our handfasting. I didn't mention it and so until he looks, he won't know its there. not sure he'll say anything. I didn't know what to do with it but couldn't bring myself to throw it away or burn it up... this was the only option as I could see it.
Ok... I think I'm caught up now. oh... except I entered my first horse show in a couple years this past Saturday. Did ok for being out of practice/out of shape on an out of practice/out of shape horse. Good thing we were only jumping about 2' and we've both BTDT. Progressively got better as the day went on and I'm pretty happy with our performance. I am, however, MASSIVELY sore today. :)
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