I so need to write this. I am basically just venting to release some of this anxiety and stress I have building up right now.
Today I feel like crying. It has been a rough few weeks here well basically a rough month. And every year after Halloween it just seems to get worse. Not that I intend it to but it does. Today I am just about at my breaking point. I am having huge amounts of anxiety about work, home, kid, money and Spark too. I know I am letting people down and it freaks me out. It is only getting worse too. I wake up saying it is going to be a better day and well it just hasn't gotten better. My depression is high right now too. I have been a horrible leader and team mate to my spark friends. I'm so sorry.
The only thing I feel like I have control of right this minute is my journey. Weird huh?? I have been very diligent in making sure I eat right and stick with my exercise. It's like that one thing that I can control. I love love love my crossfit. It has helped me a lot.
Do you just ever feel you've lost control of everything?? That is me right now. The holidays are not my favorite. I'm one of those that could really live with out them. They just make my anxiety go way up. anyway...i just dont' have anyone to talk to here and just need to get it out. This is choppy and doesnt' really make sense I know. Just frustrated and I need a hug really. UGH!!
Our challenge this week was to tell a bit of our story! Here is the short version!
OK I have always been the fat chunky girl. Can't remember not being overweight! My mom always sent mixed messages I think. On one hand bribing me with money or clothes to lose weight but she was also the one that insisted I eat everything on my plate or I'd sit there till I did. She was also the one constantly saying "you'd be so pretty if you lost 20 pounds"! Really difficult to have good self esteem with that in your ears all the time. BTW my mom weighs maybe 100 pounds her whole life so never has had to know the difficulty with weight issues.
Diets after diet after diet up and down and up and down. Skinny and fat forever. Pretty much gave up for awhile. But really was always missing the being healthy part. It was always about being skinny.
Then almost 4 years ago we went to vegas. I had a hard time getting around and keeping up. Couldn't walk up stairs. Had to take the escalator or elevator or the train. Anything but actual walking or stairs. But i wasnt fully convinced yet. Really ended up getting into a fight with my bf about not working out or taking care of myself because he had actually started a few months before. So to show him i decided yo walk one day. Well 1/2 mile later I thought i was going to die. Knew then I really needed to change things. I realized I didn't want to be the lady in the motorized cart getting around Walmart or not having energy to play with my future grand kids. Something had to change!
I started slowly. Walking and some Wii. Did some yoga too. Dropped weight pretty good at first. Then the difficulty started. Keeping it off and trying to lose more. It has not been easy. The last several years have still been a battle.
The real change is mental. Its not about getting skinny. It's about being healthy. I might never get to skinny again but that's ok. I want to be healthy and fit. I want muscles instead of flab! I have ups and downs but that's ok. I'll just keep on going. It never ends and it can be tiring but I am worth it!! I only wish I had discovered how awesome being healthy is much sooner!!
So I will continue to strive for fit and fabulous!! Might never get there completely but it is a great journey!!!
Ok for our between round breaks we are using our mileage to visit each other virtually...so I am here to show you my area!!!
So I live in Lake Jackson Tx. It is about 45 minutes or so south of Houston! We are about 10 minutes or so from the Gulf of Mexico.
We are a small town of about 25,000 people. But the area which includes several small towns is the Brazosport Area. We are home of Dow Chemical! Here is a picture of it as I was driving home yesterday. It is actually huge...pretty much stretches from one end of town to the next 2. A giant city all it's own. Scary if something happens to it we are all in trouble..anyway...here is a pic of a part of it:
Now we love our crawfish down here:
here I am at our crawfish boil a few years ago:
Here is some beach pictures...one is Martin at the beach actually:
Here is the access to the beach after Hurricane Ike...knock on wood we don't have one of these again for awhile:
Now our town has a weird little thing...all the streets are trees or flowers or "ways" Such as Anyway, This Way, Circle Way...
We also celebrate the mosquito by having a festival for it...the Great Texas Mosquito Festival...if we can't beat them we celebrate them I guess!
Here is an alligator that hangs out at the golf course:
A few more random ones...we have a lake where they found a wooly mammoth and now it is a scuba lake. This also shows you how flat we are here!! Not a bump in sight...LOL!!!
And a picture of the bayou that kind of runs through town...Martin's parents have this in their back yard
ok well I think that kind of shows you what it looks like down here!! Come on down and hang out with me a bit!!!
Wow what a round. I didn't lose much but I think it was one of my best yet. I worked really hard this round. I started out as a 20 minute walker and have ended up being crossfitter and LOVING it!! I'm sweating, running and lifting weights. NOTHING I thought I would be doing 2 months ago. I am getting muscles!! Yea!!
I also went gluten grain free this round. I cut out artificial sweeteners. I can really tell a difference. The first couple of days I was really tired and dragged some. But since then I have had maybe 1 other really tired day. It's been about a month since I started that. I'm working towards more of a Paleo diet with a few modifications. I definitely don't feel as bloated.
I also have been talking about getting to a new dr. to try to help me work through some of my health issues. I did that today. Think I found a good dr. She is going to test my antibodies. No one has done that even with a thyroid nodule and long term thyroid issues. She's also going to test me for rheumatoid arthritis. My joints hurt a lot. She also wants to do a bone density. She seemed to really want to listen to me and my symptoms rather just numbers on a test. My water retention issues do seem to revolve around progesterone cream I am on.
My weakness this round was LCW. I need to figure out a way to increase that. Maybe adding something to the walks. Just with bootcamps mwf I cook on Tu/Thurs more. I am not going to make excuses though... I just have to make myself do more. I'll be thinking about this through the break. I will NOT have the lowest average next round!!!!
My goal for the break is to lose a few pounds but definitely NOT gain!! I have honestly always taken the break literally. If I don't have a team pushing I have taken the 6 weeks and allowed myself cheats. I think this last round I gained back everything I had lost. Which was discouraging for sure. Well I can tell you that won't be happening this round. I am not considering this a break. It is a continuation. I will continue to do my bootcamp 3 times a week. Going to work on walking more on off days. And doing a WOD on my own on the weekends. Going to keep my calories with in the range of 12000-1500 a day. I'm basically just going to keep on doing what I am doing.
This does ramble a little bit. Sorry...but think through it all I answered the questions. But one last thing...Thank You Outlaws!! You have been an awesome team!! I'm proud to be a member and co-captain!!! And Pam and Penny...thank you for inspiring me and pushing me to do better. And really thank you for all the work you do to keep this team going!!
So how do I think the round is going??? Well as for weight loss it isn't going too great. Seems as I check the scale through the week I am gaining weight all week. But it isn't weight. I am retaining a lot of water lately. Think maybe it is my progesterone which I can't do with out. And one reason I think I was having worse panic attack few weeks ago. So far so good I have not experienced a week like that again. (knock on wood) So to counteract the water retention I'm taking a water pill. Not really liking that but doing what I have to do. I'm also trying to drink tons of water and limit my salt but it's not really having an effect. Seems though that I can still manage to get to the same weight by weigh ins just not losing anything.
I am eating pretty well this round. Staying in range regularly. I have had a few days but nothing bad. Even my bad days now are better then my good days pre lifechange. There are some things I could be more diligent on. Planning is my big issues with eating. If I take time Sunday to plan the week out I am not tempted to sway from that and there are less tempations from menus!
Now my fitness I have bumped up this round. I realized my 1 mile walks with my mom were not really pushing me to the extent I needed. I mean it is better then nothing but almost nothing at this point. So I joined a crossfit bootcamp. I can't explain how awesome it is. To do things at the age of 47 that I have never done before in my whole life has such a feeling of accomplishment. I go 1 hour 3 times a week. Right now that is a good amount although might try to get another day there as I get stronger. But I am lifting weights, today I jumped rope fast. I mean I haven't ever done that. I am learning how to deadlift and clean and jerk. Oh and handstand push ups. (I'm getting the handstand on the wall thing down first...been a long time since I did that even) I always thought I was too old. Or too out of shape. Well in the last 3 weeks I have proven myself wrong. I am way stronger then I thought and am pretty capable of at least trying anything. So all of this is a HUGE change for me. The most strenuous thing I did before was yoga...I never wanted to jump or get sweaty. Shoot I didn't even do TNT when I first joined BLC. It was the one part of the challenge I never embraced. But I am all in now! Just hate that TNT doesn't fall on one of my crossfit days...lol. I've been a bit sore and tired come Thursday.
Anyway am I happy with how the challenge is going...I'm thrilled. I belong to a great team, I am trying new things, and I am feeling better all the time. Do I wish I was getting different results...yes but I am also looking at the big picture and being fit and healthy is my goal and I am working towards that.
so my excuse that I use a lot is I'm too tired. I am not allowing my self to say that on bootcamp days at all. And if I don't allow myself to say it on those days well that will work it's way to other days too. I need to keep pushing myself on the off days too because that is half of my work out days. So 20 minutes is not enough. I need to push myself to at least 30 minutes on off days. Even walking my mile and then some situps and push ups and squats on off days. Just need to keep doing more and not let excuses take over any more!!! Because I can do it!!