Wednesday, February 03, 2010
So I am really tring to reflect on what I have been holding onto all these years. Why can't I seem to let go of stuff? Why have I been afraid of being alone? What fears do I have? Why am I so down and sad deep down? Why do I carry so many people's weight on my shoulders? And how do I change all of this? How do I make my life happy, healthy, and positive?
I seem to have problems being a pack rat or something of the sorts no matter how hard I try I end up keeping just about everything. I really don't want to be that way and I feel bad about doing it. I'm not sure why I hold on to some things, someday I just might use it.... someone gave it to me...... It has value.... I think now I'm really trying to let go and see the value of having only what I need. Having nicer things and less of them. Someday may never come and the clutter and hording is bringing me down. I am going to try to change this by filling atleast one trash bag or good will bag per a week. I NEED to let go, I WILL be ok!!!!!!!
I may kinda pretend that I'm moving and can only take with me a certain amount of stuff. What is important to me? The next issue I have come up with is that I think I have always been afraid to be alone. But I think I am over that now. Not that I want to be alone, but I will be ok. I can surround myself with positive people that want to be around me and like me for me. I have felt so helpless in some aspects of my life but I need to take control and be happy :o) What am I truley afraid of....... I'm not really sure maybe I'm afraid of success, I don't know . I need to focus on my life and making it tick. Some days I just feel like I want to run away from it all and no one would even care. Infact many would be happy. I love the motivation and spark I get from this site!!! I like to try to support one another in positive ways!!
It brings me great job when I'm able to lift someone up or help them. I really just love helping poeple. I truely thank all my spark friends for helping me along my journey to health.
I really think signing up for the half marathon is a BIG step for me, I'm very excited, but scared. I CAN DO THIS !!!!!! and I WILL !!!
I've got the eating and the exercise under control and I really need to focus on my emotional well being. I can do this no matter how hard it is. I need to stay strong and realize the difference between being there for someone and someone being toxic to me that I deal with in person. I think I have a hard time with this. I need to be able to turn things around and have healthy relationships.
This is kinda a rambeling journal to myself that I just need to put down somewhere. But if anyone has any ideas or suggestions that would be great. My mind is all over the place lately and I'm trying my all to focus and stay that way.
Thanks to all that have supported me and taken my support both ways are very empowering and keep me going strong. I really need to stay positive :o) I need to not hurt so much inside. I guess I'm just confused, but am trying to figure things out. Hugz to all, can't wait to meet fellow sparkers at the Rally next month!!!!! Hope everyone had a wonderful day!!
A almost forgot I had my weigh-in this am and lost 3 pounds!!!!! I am doing this, my life will be healthier and happier. I just need a path, a plan, and my true friends :o)
I leave you with a cute picture of pumpkin, our kitty. I have no idea how he was comfortable.