Saturday, September 24, 2011
So here I sit at 5:30 on Saturday morning, up early because my son has a 7 am hockey game.. I'm thinking about all the things that I can see in my house just as I sit here typing that need to be done, and how long it's been since I've given my house a really, really good cleaning, never mind all the projects that are staring at me (going through drawers for the change of season, weeding out clothes that don't fit or are ready to be weeded out because they are more than "gently" worn, cleaning out the pile of crap that has taken over the corner between the end of my dining room hutch and the wall and now spilled out along the next wall..just because it's a corner, it's not like you don't see it. The books I want to read, the projects I want to start. Making that Christmas list early to see if I can get that going early. The jean pants I bought for my son that need to be returned and have been sitting on my dining room table for weeks. The bins of beach bedding and towels that are still piled high in our spare bedroom that need to be taken up to the attic. The summer decor in my family room hutch that needs to be disassembled and the fall decor waiting to be brought out.
Oh, and the eating that needs to be reigned in, and the exercise, that, although I am getting to a lot, I am not getting to enough. The lifestyle changes I need to make to lose weight, to try to control my blood pressure, to get things back under control.
I think about a conversation I had many, many years ago with a therapist, where I said I couldn't stop myself from eating, and he said then you really don't want to, because if you really wanted to you would. Me being able to (then and now) intellectually grasp what he meant, but not own it.
I have, for the most part, been on Spark every day for thelast 8 months, except for the 2 weeks we spent at the beach last month. And yet, I have never felt farther from being on track on my journey to health.
But in the vein of recognizing the problem is the first step towards solving it, I have had this crystallizing moment this morning. I've GOT to get my house in order. The fact that my house, literally, is not in order, is what is holding me back. You know how sometimes you have so much to do that the only thing you can do is nothing?? That you feel paralyzed, that you are driven to inaction thinking that there's just not enough time, so why start?? That's where I'm at right now... And I've run this battle long enough to know that there is only way to fight it: one baby step at a time.
Yes, what do you know, Tina is talking about baby steps. That's because that's the only way to do it. And that is my public pledge..get my literal house in order so that I can get my figurative house in order. I don't have a plan yet, but I've decided I'm not even going to try to make a plan, because that seems too overwhelming. I just need to do one thing at a time as it presents itself to me.
And to all my Spark friends that I have not been there for for oh these many months, I am sorry! I know I have not answered page posts, emails, feed comments, team posts.. Not because I don't care, not because I'm not here. I do care, I am here. And I will try to do better. But first, I must start with my own house..
and off I go...
Friday, July 08, 2011
Well, since lack of time seems to be one of my major issues these days, I thought I would say one great big thank you to you folks that responded with all your encouraging words to my blog yesterday. Just to be clear, I wasn't really saying I wanted to be a triathelete, I was just describing the blog that had inspired me to write my own blog yesterday.
What I was trying to say is that I talk all the time about doing this, but my actions don't always show that I am willing to do the work necessary to reach my goals. It's easy to talk about getting it done, but not nearly as easy to do it. It was a call to action to myself to shut up and do it. I'm not being mean to myself, just reminding myself that no one but me can do it, and that the time is now.
What I do know is that the most important part of doing this is living in the moment and taking baby steps towards success. I have always known this..call it baby steps, call it streaking, call it "take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time," but ultimately, it is about moving forward regularly, even if you can barely see the forward.. It is about putting it all together. Exercise, though I haven't been as consistent in the past weeks as I have been, still gets done more than anything, but for some reason, even on a day that I have exercised hard, at some point, usually at night, that horrible eating starts and I feel helpless to stop it. And baby steps don't work when you take them forward all day and than take giant steps backwards at night.
So that is my challenge, it has been for a very long time. And it is very frustrating that I know it and have known it and that I still haven't solved it. For some folks, once they figure out what their challenge really is, it's their eureka moment.. But clearly, just knowing my challenge isn't enough for me.. I have always been a big believe in the saying "actions speak louder than words." And as I look at my actions, I realize that if that saying is true, then all my words about wanting to get this done are not and cannot be true, because if I really wanted to get this done, I would have found a way to stop the night time eating...
I wrote a long time ago that I believed my night time eating was a left over habit from long ago settled issues that had just reappeared. I honestly and truly still believe that to be true, but I have not found the replacement for that bad habit..
But I do have one kernel of good news: I did not night time eat last night. No magic formula, I just consciously did not put myself in a position to do it, and therefore I didn't do it. Night one, down. Today is another day...
Thursday, July 07, 2011
Today's Daily Spark contained a great blog about a member who has lost over 100 lbs and has become a triathlete during his Spark Journey. He says in his blog that he first had to decide that he wanted to do it, and only then could he consider how to do it, and that as his journey has evolved, so has the how to do it, he called it "doing what it takes" to succeed. So one day, his lightbulb clicked, and his steps forward began.
This was an awesome blog, and one that has dovetailed preceisely with my frame of mind these days. For all my talk (although lately I've been pretty outwardly quiet, but there is plenty of chatter in my head) of how much I want to lose this weight once and for all, clearly the eating I do, the exercise I don't do, says I'm not ready. I so do not want to be one of those people who put it off and put it off and put it off until some real health scare puts me in the hospital or worse, to then look back with regret upon the time I've wasted. But at this particular point in my life, I am afraid that is exactly the road I am headed on.
So I guess I just wanted to say all this out loud, to say that I am waiting for my lightbulb to go off, waiting to be ready. And I will continue to think about all the reasons I need to complete this journey to begin with..mostly, to be able to see my son grow up, to be here for him. Should be reason enough. Was that a click I just heard??
Saturday, May 28, 2011
So today, as I have done for the past 97 days, I logged into SP and immediately went to my sparkpoints to spin the wheel and get my log in points. Wow!! 97 days consecutive days of being active on this site, at least checking in for a spin and usually more, more than 1000 sparkpoints earned this month..so..why do I feel like I am at least in the same place I was when I started this streak, if not even a bit behind where I was in terms of my weight?
I know, I know, it's not all about the scale, it's about the lifestyle changes, the gradual process, I get all that. And truth be told, I think it could be said that I am doing very well with the getting regular exercise and bringing good food into our home and planning and eating well.. But still, despite all that, interspersed with some very great living, have been all too frequent periods of bad food choices. Usually, when I get on a roll like this, the bad food choices stop, and though I've had some great little streaks within this long streak of eating well, planning out everything and completely being able to resist that little nighttime snack, I have had too many times that I have prowled my kitchen like a predator looking for its next prey.
This is a song I've sung so many times before, I am quite fed up with it, but not fed up enough to stop these occasions, apparently. It is oh so frustrating and deflating, and I'm not quite sure what my next step should be. I have certainly studied this pattern of mine ad nauseum, and have to say that I cannot find a pattern or trigger. I've even had many of those serious chats with myself about whether I am being honest with myself, even if I can't be honest with anyone else..am I eating to fill some other need? Is there something going on that I am not acknowledging, or facing, or well, whatever.. And in my heart of hearts, I have to say my life is good. Oh, it's busy, and stressful, but no busier or more stressful than anyone else's.
One of the great philosophers said something like "I live, therefore I am." (is that the exact quote? I'm on too much of a roll right now to stop and see what it was exactly and who said it, because that is beside the point I'm trying to make) And my feeling for me right now is "I am awake at night, therefore I eat." If I am not awake at night, I don't eat, I don't even think about eating. But let's face it, there are times that I'm going to be awake at night, and I can't just keep going to bed early to avoid the issue of my nighttime eating.
Usually, when I start writing a blog like this, I end up at a place that puts me in a better position to assess the situation, or I have one of those eureka moments, or I get that little "click" in my brain that puts me onto something. But for reasons I cannot explain, I am on this long streak of doing much of what spark tells me to do, and yet...nothing. I have been involved in the Spring 5% challenge..lose 5% of your weight in an 8 week period. The last time I got myself involved in a challenge, I did awesome, so I thought this challenge would definitely be good for me, but it's not working this time. And not only that, I was going along, pretty good until last Saturday when I stepped on the scale and suddenly there was a 4 lb gain, totally unexpectedly. Well, that really burst my bubble, because though I had not been doing a stellar job, nothing in what I had been doing could have accounted for that kind of gain. So I tried to put it out of my head and have worked pretty hard this week, and it finally looked like it was going to be okay..back down to where it had been before it ballooned up and I was going along great, until yesterday morning, when I got on and suddenly it was back up to last Saturday's weight plus one.. I have not weighed myself yet today, and don't know whether I will. I am feeling kind of stuck, in a rut, without a plan to get myself out. And yet, I exercise almost every day, I plan my meals and bring my snacks, and do everything I'm supposed to do,
I will say this...there is some anger inside me right now about all this, and as I look back at last night, a night I did the night time eating thing, I think I did eat with anger. Anger that this whole process is so imperfect, that my body doesn't work the way it used to. In my younger days, it was oh so much easier to take weight off. I could never keep it off, but boy, once I set my mind to it, I could lose it. If I were to give any advice to anyone out there right now who might (still!!) be reading this ridiculously long blog, it would be if you are in your 20s or 30s, do it now and find a way to keep it off, because your body will start to betray you once you hit your 40s and 50s..it just doesn't come off as easily as you get older, and once you take it off, keep up the good work and remain ever vigilant, because once you think "I'll never gain weight again" and start to slip, you will gain weight. If 51 years of battling weight have taught me anything, that is it..
So, many words later, no solutions in the offing, I am going to go get my busy day going. It will include exercise, it will include trying to eat well. It might not include weighing myself (oh yes, I was going to write about the weigh yourself daily vs. not weighing yourself daily conundrum, but I think I'll save that for another time, I do have some theories about that...). All we can do is keep on trying.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
I just finished recording the last of the food I ate last night at a birthday party. I exceeded my calories for the day by a couple of hundred. WOOHOO!!!!!
I have not lost my mind, lol. I am just thrilled, thrilled, thrilled, that despite what I said above, I had a good day yesterday (and the day before that, too, as a matter of fact). How can that be?
For me, it is simple. Everything I ate yesterday was eaten consciously. I did not graze mindlessly. I had a little of this and a little of that, and I know I ate more than I should have, but the amount of calories I eat is, at this juncture, less important to me than the fact that I am now back into the zone of consciousness. I don't love the fact that I exceeded my generous calorie count for the day, but I'll take conscious eating over what had been happening any time.
Have a Sparky day!
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