TIME4CARRI   13,193
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Uncomfortable

Thursday, July 10, 2014

As I go along, I ponder throughout the day why I want to reach for food (or yummy drink) when I am already nourished and hydrated. We all know the deal about hiding from our feelings and eating when we are bored etc... I have found that along with that and maybe more accurately for me is that I don't like to be uncomfortable. I can handle pain. Like many of you here, I am an over-comer and a strong person for the most part BUT I don't like to be uncomfortable.

There are countless times throughout a regular day when I get wisps of fatigue, loneliness, anxiety, sadness, and more. I am no longer a depressed person but this is not a perfect world and we don't live in a perpetual state of happiness. If I read a crappy yahoo article or three about another tragedy, if an email or text I have sent goes unanswered, if I observe any one of my kids growing/blossoming before my eyes and I get a bit sappy, when I realize how fast I am aging.......the list goes on and on. These aren't things to despair over they are just......uncomfortable. Like a growling stomach 15 minutes before dinner uncomfortable. Like a sated but not the usual stuffed after a meal uncomfortable. Yes, I've stuffed some deep feelings down over the years, that's how you gain 100 pounds but for sure it's the sprinkling of pleasure by way of taste buds over little moments of nagging gray that had the most effect on my weight. Honestly, if I had only overeaten during the big dark moments I probably would have gained 10lbs. It was the handful of tortilla chips here before confronting a teen about their attitude, an extra creamy coffee after a toddler tantrum there, a bowl of ice cream after a daily grind kinda day with no sign that tomorrow will be much different.

I always get some form of baby blues and this time I told myself that with the grace I receive from prayer, I can handle it. I have been concentrating on not escaping my feelings but just simply feeling them until they pass. Sometimes it feels like torture but mostly I am surprised and impressed with my own strength. It always passes. I decided to apply this to eating less and not numbing myself even for a brief moment with food, but just allow myself to feel what I'm feeling. I almost always conclude that there is no taste that could have distracted me for long before I had to face/feel what I needed to anyway. This is very different from the tactics that I have tried in the past: drink water, take a walk, opt for a low cal snack, make a phone call. These are all useful yes, but sometimes you just need to feel and process what is going on. It may be uncomfortable but when I do it I get the feeling I'm living much more authentically and that alone is worth it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CINDYT63 7/10/2014 9:14AM

    You have made such amazing progress. Seriously getting down to the black and white reality of why you overeat. I had such an epiphany when I read your blog "No More Games", and I realized I myself was playing games-but not acknowledging them as such. This uncomfortableness is the center of why we overeat or why we "treat" ourselves. The little fracktles of time/feeling/experience that unsettle us. It is managing those, and receiving grace. Choosing to get through them, as opposed to letting them decide. Thank you once again!

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BETHGILLIGAN 7/10/2014 7:12AM

    What a great blog!! Words of wisdom for us all!!! Thank you!

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NYARAMULA 7/10/2014 1:52AM

    emoticon

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HOTPINKCAMARO49 7/10/2014 1:26AM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ZRIE014 7/10/2014 1:20AM

  know what you mean emoticon

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PRAIRIECROCUS 7/10/2014 1:17AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TODDERICKV 7/10/2014 1:16AM

    I felt that way tonight.

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DAIZYSTARLITE 7/10/2014 12:51AM

    emoticon

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30 lbs gone

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

I said I would wait until I maintained my weight for a whole week before awarding myself the 30lb lost goodie but I thought it would be useful to work on a progress pic blog. I LOVE when others post their pics along the way it helps a visual person like me to see progress and the changing shape instead of just the stellar "after" photos. (which are always awesome and inspiring too!)


Fuzzy like my idea of myself. Taken 5 years and 4 kids ago at my high weight of 227


Me and StevieLu who is now 12 days old.

There are a few great reasons for me to have a progress pic. Here are some of them:

Not to be self depreciating but I still have a way to go. Sometimes when my clothes are getting loose or I fit into a large instead of an XL I start to feel cute and eat a bit more. I feel like the skinny person I once was who got fat by not paying attention. I almost NEVER take a full body pic so this is good for me to see and I have it on my phone so there are no illusions. I am overweight and need to stick to my program and lose weight. period.

When you only take head shots, it's easy to lie to yourself about what you really look like. Now I know. I cringed when I saw this today after I asked my daughter to take it but then I am also proud that it is 30lbs less than what I was so, I have to get used to not getting discouraged and giving up. It's painful to see the truth but maybe part of the problem is that I didn't take body pics.....EVER. so I could bury my head in the sand (or bag of chips) and cry only when family or friends captured and shared a random pic. I took this one with intention. I am on a journey. I am not at my destination, I am on my way.

I have always had what I consider a form of what would be the reverse of what an anorexic has when I look in the mirror. I have consistently gotten bigger because I don't think I'm as fat as I am. It sounds arrogant huh? I think it's more denial. The numbers on the scale and in my clothing tags don't lie but I just never saw myself as "that big". It has taken me to lose 30lbs before I would actually explore this. Before now it has been too scary because I didn't have any loss to feel like I could actually lose the weight. 30lbs is a solid loss even though the pregnancies have slowed my loss down, I know it is possible. I don't think I could bear the honesty with myself without even a minimal success. Success makes you confident and brave enough to look with honesty. Since I now know that I can do this, I can bear to look at the whole picture.

I want a picture I can use as a compare in a year or so when I take another 30lbs off. I am really starting to believe I can so why not?!

It's completely out of my comfort zone......therefore I must be growing!

Thanks for reading.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CINDYT63 7/1/2014 10:17AM

    Thirty pounds AND Onderland AND a baby! That is totally awesome! Your blogs are very enlightening and you are figuring it out. There's so many layers of issues, beliefs and myriad other things on this journey. You are figuring it out. And you are busting yourself for games you play with yourself. You are definitely on a roll. And you may not see it, but you do look good!

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BETHGILLIGAN 7/1/2014 6:41AM

    30 pounds is great!! Good for you and the changes in your body! You're looking good! We are much alike in this journey! If I feel a bit lighter or clothes are slightly loose, I often abandon the fight. For some reason, I think this means I'm done and can now eat what I want. I also have the same problem with body image: I don't think I'm as big as I am and seeing a photo is often surprising to me. I often complain that the photo makes me look big--well, hello, I AM big. Seeing my reflection in glass causes the same reaction--for a long time I dismissed it as distortion from the glass. I now admit that that is how I really look!! I'm having more aches and pains (esp. in my legs/feet). I usually blame this on age but am realizing it's due more to weight.
You are an inspiration!! I need to bear down and get some of this weight off. Right now, I would love to lose 15 (heck, I'd love to lose one!) and know I have to get going and stay committed.

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No more games!!

Saturday, June 28, 2014

So thanks to a pretty focused and Sparkwonderful pregnancy, I was able to enter Onederland this week. WOOO HOOO! Okay but I've been here before. Two years ago to be exact and I didn't exactly blow past the 190's and slowly ended solidly back in the 200's. For anyone who has crossed the threshold, you know there is such a HUGE mental block about getting and staying out of the 200's. I imagine it's like that with other ranges as well.
Yesterday, the baby's jaundice peaked and we were at the lab and pediatricians and escaped being re-admitted by a hair. This morning we had to be back for more. I used yesterday to sun and feed her so she'd poop a lot and bring her numbers down by today. It worked and we are in the clear with the pediatrician but I stress ate for the first time in a while and today weighed in at 199.8. I was 197.0 before that and was just about to give myself the 30lbs lost award. I don't want to play games with this. I desire to learn maintenance NOW as I go because I don't want to lose as much as I want to keep it off when I do. It's painfully disappointing to regain. It happens I know, but I need to get moving forward on my goals now and stop dancing around these numbers. I got back on track today and I've decided that when I get back to 197, I am going to keep at that weight for at least a week before awarding myself the patch. I will do that with the other milestones as well. It cannot be a one day accomplishment anymore.

No. More. Games.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CINDYT63 6/28/2014 9:23AM

    You are so right about it being a tricky threshold. I came very close to crossing over and have been in this weird waffle-land of eating more than I should, setting myself up to eat the wrong things, and then eating the wrong things. In other words - a big freaking game! I DO want to do this and I am NOT going to play games either. It's time to bust myself and get over the reasons I feel it's appropriate to fall apart and eat.
I appreciate your blogs very much. You are good at busting yourself and me too!
Glad StevieLu is home!

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BETHGILLIGAN 6/28/2014 6:16AM

    So glad those numbers came down!! You sound wonderful!! Congrats on onederland accomplishment!! That is huge after just having baby!! sounds like you are in a great frame of mind, too! YAY!! Give that baby a kiss for me. (I love the story of her name. Very special tribute!)

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Home at last.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Oh my,......what a long week. We had planned on a Tuesday the 17th induction and so after Father's Day and a Monday to kinda get things ready around here, we headed to the hospital early Tuesday morning.

Allow me to backtrack for a quick moment and share a detail that is relevant to what we do here at Spark when we strive and fail sometimes with our inner confidence:
My son was born last year on June 18th. At his two month check-up the receptionist called me back up to the check-in window to tell me that I had his birth date wrong and that he wasn't in the system. I told her that I couldn't believe that and she asked what hospital he was born at and it is an affiliated health system so she looked in her computer and sure enough, the computer confirmed through the hospital records that he was born on the 17th of June. I shrank. I felt terrible. They all sympathetically chuckled and "of course with ALL THOSE KIDS............" "you're just tired......." "blah blah blah...." I came home feeling like the worst mother. Fast forward to Monday night and as we were preparing for the next day induction, (I always have to schedule induction, my body no longer labors on it's own and we had decided on a same birthday since waiting a week was not an option and I have May babies a day apart.....lots of work!) I had a funny feeling at about 9:00 at night and asked my husband to pull down our filebox. I started going through paperwork and sure enough DOB was 6/17/13. but then when I looked closer, the admit date was 6/18/13. I had my son the same day I was admitted. I KNEW IT!!! Then I found the cutesy certificate that is handwritten with the footprints .....6/18. The baptismal record.......6/18. My confidence in myself surged. I knew that I knew. How could I be talked out so quickly??? Anyway, that now left us to wonder if we push the induction off a day but there was no way I was going to call in and explain all that so off we went the next morning. When we checked in I told the nurses about my discovery and they promised to look into it. They showed me the admitting face sheet from last year and I told them that it didn't make sense when I was "admitted" a day after the baby was born. "OHHHhHH, no we see". They also keep a handwritten log on the floor and yes, baby was born on the 18th. Someone in admitting made a mistake and it is all corrected now. My point is, Really? I can be talked out of something so basic and important to me so quickly??!! Why do I doubt me first and everyone/everything else second? No matter, it was a great lesson and it won't be happening again anytime soon.

Thanks for the detour: If you're still reading, induction started, stopped, was frustrating and unproductive and very very long story shortened, our baby girl Stevie was born late Wednesday the 18th night after 36 hours and so she and her brother in fact do share a birthday. God rocks!

Last year within days of Sylvester's birth our good friend Fr. Steven was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and passed in October. We were already pregnant by then and so were able to share that boy or girl this baby would be Stevie. Her middle name is Guadalupe so she is called StevieLu.

She was born 8lbs,3oz and 20in. NO HEART IRREGULARITIES praise GOD!!

We got home late Friday and I have changed my calorie parameters to non pregnant but have yet to land in that range. It's going to take some time to figure out how to do that.

I have super strict orders to take it easy. Stricter than last time so my fabulous husband took another week off and I won't be exercising again until September 1st so I'm happy to extend my concentration on food/calorie/choices/tracking regime a while longer before adding exercise back in and it is my goal to keep growing solid in this area so that exercise does not become the pitted excuse that I use to overeat as I have in the past. I am happy to say that being taken off of exercise these last two months has been practice and I met my weight goals this pregnancy landing 10lbs less than last year and 1 pound away from my pre-pregnancy weight. Next stop Onederland!!!
Thank you everyone for the support and encouragement and I look forward to your blogs. I have been here and reading just not posting. Know that when it gets crazy and you don't hear from me, I am checking in and always cheering you on!


  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CINDYT63 6/23/2014 10:40AM

    You both are gorgeous!
Glad everything is good.
What wonderful news!

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BETHGILLIGAN 6/23/2014 7:38AM

    You look amazing!! StevieLu is adorable! I love those chubby cheeks!!! Congratulations!!! Now rest (as much as you can!)

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ALICIA214 6/23/2014 1:29AM

 


Beautiful Baby


emoticon

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When Healthy Habits Are The Main Goal

Tuesday, June 03, 2014

Two weeks left until baby's arrival and I am still off of exercise although truthfully, I don't think I'd be exercising at this point anyway. It has become clear to me that this unraveling of my tangled up attitudes about exercise/eating healthy/making healthy choices is going to be ongoing and I hope to hang on tight to the little clarity I have even after I get to add exercise back into the mix. I don't like that I pit these elements of healthy living against each other or use one area to justify unhealthy behaviors in another. I have been tracking these past few days and making a game plan but going off the charted course is happening more and more and I'm not pleased with that. Even though I can rearrange and land inside of or close to my calorie range, it's not nearly as healthy and worse in my opinion leads to reactive not proactive living.

I'm okay with the scale but that is no longer the main point. I want to be able to more often choose not to indulge in the cookies or the sweet bread on the counter and stick to my plan because my plan is better. My plan made just for me the night before includes lean proteins, fiber and healthy fats that ultimately benefit me and make me feel much better than the high calorie crap that claims that calorie space in my day. And oh my goodness, I know this is probably common knowledge but I am discovering that those empty calories are almost always consumed in 5 minutes or less!!! Sheeesh! It would take me at least 20 minutes to eat a steak or chicken breast but boy when I track the junk I think back to when in my day I ate it and it happens quick! 500 calories?? really? SO NOT WORTH IT.

Alright well this is what I wanted to do with this time off of exercise, I wanted to have heightened awareness about my eating without that little voice that suggests being over in calories everyday is kinda okay because I burned calories working out.........etc... I want to be solid in how I treat my eating and stop hijacking my exercise to compensate for that which I find hard to get under control. Healthy Habits Are The Main Goal. I'm going to keep working at it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JITZUROE 6/4/2014 10:58AM

    Yes, I agree, the amount of time it takes me to consume too many empty cals can frighten me if I am an emotional mess at the time. Boo!

So keep up the good work wonderful gal! You are doing GREAT!

Bren

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144AUTUMN 6/3/2014 9:14PM

  You can do it!!

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