Thursday, July 10, 2014
As I go along, I ponder throughout the day why I want to reach for food (or yummy drink) when I am already nourished and hydrated. We all know the deal about hiding from our feelings and eating when we are bored etc... I have found that along with that and maybe more accurately for me is that I don't like to be uncomfortable. I can handle pain. Like many of you here, I am an over-comer and a strong person for the most part BUT I don't like to be uncomfortable.
There are countless times throughout a regular day when I get wisps of fatigue, loneliness, anxiety, sadness, and more. I am no longer a depressed person but this is not a perfect world and we don't live in a perpetual state of happiness. If I read a crappy yahoo article or three about another tragedy, if an email or text I have sent goes unanswered, if I observe any one of my kids growing/blossoming before my eyes and I get a bit sappy, when I realize how fast I am aging.......the list goes on and on. These aren't things to despair over they are just......uncomfortable. Like a growling stomach 15 minutes before dinner uncomfortable. Like a sated but not the usual stuffed after a meal uncomfortable. Yes, I've stuffed some deep feelings down over the years, that's how you gain 100 pounds but for sure it's the sprinkling of pleasure by way of taste buds over little moments of nagging gray that had the most effect on my weight. Honestly, if I had only overeaten during the big dark moments I probably would have gained 10lbs. It was the handful of tortilla chips here before confronting a teen about their attitude, an extra creamy coffee after a toddler tantrum there, a bowl of ice cream after a daily grind kinda day with no sign that tomorrow will be much different.
I always get some form of baby blues and this time I told myself that with the grace I receive from prayer, I can handle it. I have been concentrating on not escaping my feelings but just simply feeling them until they pass. Sometimes it feels like torture but mostly I am surprised and impressed with my own strength. It always passes. I decided to apply this to eating less and not numbing myself even for a brief moment with food, but just allow myself to feel what I'm feeling. I almost always conclude that there is no taste that could have distracted me for long before I had to face/feel what I needed to anyway. This is very different from the tactics that I have tried in the past: drink water, take a walk, opt for a low cal snack, make a phone call. These are all useful yes, but sometimes you just need to feel and process what is going on. It may be uncomfortable but when I do it I get the feeling I'm living much more authentically and that alone is worth it.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Oh my,......what a long week. We had planned on a Tuesday the 17th induction and so after Father's Day and a Monday to kinda get things ready around here, we headed to the hospital early Tuesday morning.
Allow me to backtrack for a quick moment and share a detail that is relevant to what we do here at Spark when we strive and fail sometimes with our inner confidence:
My son was born last year on June 18th. At his two month check-up the receptionist called me back up to the check-in window to tell me that I had his birth date wrong and that he wasn't in the system. I told her that I couldn't believe that and she asked what hospital he was born at and it is an affiliated health system so she looked in her computer and sure enough, the computer confirmed through the hospital records that he was born on the 17th of June. I shrank. I felt terrible. They all sympathetically chuckled and "of course with ALL THOSE KIDS............" "you're just tired......." "blah blah blah...." I came home feeling like the worst mother. Fast forward to Monday night and as we were preparing for the next day induction, (I always have to schedule induction, my body no longer labors on it's own and we had decided on a same birthday since waiting a week was not an option and I have May babies a day apart.....lots of work!) I had a funny feeling at about 9:00 at night and asked my husband to pull down our filebox. I started going through paperwork and sure enough DOB was 6/17/13. but then when I looked closer, the admit date was 6/18/13. I had my son the same day I was admitted. I KNEW IT!!! Then I found the cutesy certificate that is handwritten with the footprints .....6/18. The baptismal record.......6/18. My confidence in myself surged. I knew that I knew. How could I be talked out so quickly??? Anyway, that now left us to wonder if we push the induction off a day but there was no way I was going to call in and explain all that so off we went the next morning. When we checked in I told the nurses about my discovery and they promised to look into it. They showed me the admitting face sheet from last year and I told them that it didn't make sense when I was "admitted" a day after the baby was born. "OHHHhHH, no we see". They also keep a handwritten log on the floor and yes, baby was born on the 18th. Someone in admitting made a mistake and it is all corrected now. My point is, Really? I can be talked out of something so basic and important to me so quickly??!! Why do I doubt me first and everyone/everything else second? No matter, it was a great lesson and it won't be happening again anytime soon.
Thanks for the detour: If you're still reading, induction started, stopped, was frustrating and unproductive and very very long story shortened, our baby girl Stevie was born late Wednesday the 18th night after 36 hours and so she and her brother in fact do share a birthday. God rocks!
Last year within days of Sylvester's birth our good friend Fr. Steven was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and passed in October. We were already pregnant by then and so were able to share that boy or girl this baby would be Stevie. Her middle name is Guadalupe so she is called StevieLu.
She was born 8lbs,3oz and 20in. NO HEART IRREGULARITIES praise GOD!!
We got home late Friday and I have changed my calorie parameters to non pregnant but have yet to land in that range. It's going to take some time to figure out how to do that.
I have super strict orders to take it easy. Stricter than last time so my fabulous husband took another week off and I won't be exercising again until September 1st so I'm happy to extend my concentration on food/calorie/choices/tracking regime a while longer before adding exercise back in and it is my goal to keep growing solid in this area so that exercise does not become the pitted excuse that I use to overeat as I have in the past. I am happy to say that being taken off of exercise these last two months has been practice and I met my weight goals this pregnancy landing 10lbs less than last year and 1 pound away from my pre-pregnancy weight. Next stop Onederland!!!
Thank you everyone for the support and encouragement and I look forward to your blogs. I have been here and reading just not posting. Know that when it gets crazy and you don't hear from me, I am checking in and always cheering you on!
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