Sunday, January 12, 2014
Once again this evening after a long, day that started early, I wanted nothing more than to go out to dinner after mass. We work hard on Saturdays and the hour break in church relaxes me to point that it's hard to re-start the engine and finish my day strong. I am adamant about going to church on Saturday because on Sunday I CRASH. It is truly my day of rest.
I thought about my new found discovery and ran through the questions I needed to ask myself in order to find out what it was I was really seeking.......
* do you really want to go out?- no, I want to get out of these clothes and into yoga pants
* do you just need time out with hubby?- not necessarily and I really want to spend the evening with the whole family
* are you craving some specific food? -no, and I'm guaranteed to overeat which I also don't want. I don't even look forward to anything restaurant cooked
*do you want to spend the money?-no, I so don't have it
* what if anything is attractive about going out?- a waitress who will bring me diet coke............BINGO!!!
All I want is a diet soda. Easy fix. I think the problem is that there is a nagging little voice that makes me feel unhealthy for wanting this little vice of mine and it seems logical sometimes to throw the baby out with the bathwater if I'm going to not be "perfect" why even try to be healthy. It's crazy really but nothing surprises me anymore when it comes to the extremes in my thinking.
Well I got my soda and here is how the rest panned out. You know I rarely post pictures (not tech savvy) but my phone was charging on the kitchen counter so I thought I'd document the goodness in a less than perfect plan so I had something to come back to in really weak moments.
We barbecued as was on the menu (thanks Hubby!)
I mean c'mon I can't believe I almost exchanged this for a crappy diner burger that I didn't even want
our healthy sides..
white rice for the kiddos but brown rice for mamma
a happy family around our not perfect table:) Gotta love the table cloth hanging off!
I had enough energy after dinner to start my chicken stock that I make and use for almost everything...
and also made a batch of salsa
All of this was almost tossed for an evening spent overeating on non nutritious foods (and sadly feeding my growing kids junk too) because having a diet soda aroused just enough guilt to make me think it would be a waste to bother with the rest as long as I drank one. Again, insane. I mean I even started good stuff for days to come!
I know diet soda is not good for us and I plan on ditching it when I feel inclined to but
today it was very much the lesser of two evils and "getting over it" allowed me to make healthier choices overall.
We have to do the best we can and really, truly be okay with ditching the all or nothing thinking. I took these pictures to remind me of all the goodness that can still happen even when I don't meet "perfection" and I don't succumb to the guilt trap over something minor that can drag me out like a bad rip tide.
Oh yeah, by having one at home I didn't have three refills either, I won here tonight!
Thursday, January 09, 2014
I don't have any New Year's resolutions but I do have things that I want to accomplish from now until ummmm forever. One thing that has been bugging me more lately than usual is what I find when I peel back the layers in my struggle with "all or nothing" thinking. I used to just approach "all or nothing" with the very simple, "so don't do that" now I want to dig a little deeper and understand why when I drop the ball in one area do I feel the need to trash the rest. I'm happy to say in my awareness I have stopped (and now better understand) some pretty familiar and sadly, ugly cycles. Here are two scenarios from Monday and Tuesday that may I say, ahem, I kicked @$$ on.
Monday: Ate as planned up until around 4:00 when all the leftover food brought from mom's weekend Epiphany celebration started being picked at by teens. I joined in and broke down eating some chips that were opened. by 5:00 I was full, thirsty and disappointed. Now usually that's the catalyst to an all out binge. My reasoning usually goes something like this, " I already blew it, I'm so grossed out there is no point in cooking/wasting the healthy food I had planned for dinner, I'll start tomorrow, etc......etc...." This time I paused, picked up the chips which were those trendy "healthy" whole grain, organic things that I could never afford, turned the bag over and guesstimated that even if I had eaten a quarter of the bag, I could still go to bed without being thousands of calories over for the day. I filled up my water jug, put on my apron and called all the older kids to help me clean up our messes. I pushed down the usual guilt and disgust I feel knowing I let the kids snack on crap so close to dinner and we cleaned up and I made a wonderful, healthy dinner to nourish those bodies. I tried to focus on the little ones who really didn't get to the crap with us and made chicken breasts, rice and cooked carrots. Instead of throwing it all to the wind I decided to act instead of wallow in the guilt. I felt like a much better mom than the one who in the past would order a pizza or head to a drive-through and then really binge because of the compounded guilt. The dinner was simple and they all ate. I was too full but joined everyone at the table with my water and enjoyed the feeling I had that I was feeding them real food. Afterwards, my oldest headed off to youth group and we packed up all of the goodies and sent them with him where we will never see them again! I actually finished the night doing housework and playing cards with my girls and went to bed .....happy. Now understand that after binge I typically won't do any form of housework, I won't open the mail, hit play on the answering machine, look at my calendar. I check out completely so this is huge.
Tuesday- All kids back to school from vacation and hectic day getting back in the swing of things. DH sent me a text asking if I wanted to go out to dinner. Now I NEVER pass on an opportunity to gorge at a restaurant and any time alone with Hubby is a treat but I knew, knew, knew that the time away from home in the evening would set us back pretty bad. There was homework to be done, clothes to get ready, lunches to be made, teeth to be brushed, books to be read, you get the idea. DH understood and I know he was just trying to be sweet to me but I made a great, healthy dinner again and we tackled the evening together. I even finished early and did an extra load of laundry. I couldn't help thinking about and I shared with DH, all the times I never cared and left the house anyway (usually calling DH and whining about getting me out to "air out") knowing that it caused chaos, knowing things were neglected, and thinking, "I don't care, I'll deal with it later" The guilt would set in long before the salad would arrive and I would eat tons to try and silence the voice that accused me. I mean we're talking dip every fry in thousand island type eating! I would also put down a few diet cokes because I was going to "tackle things" when I got home. It never happened. I always took my bloated butt back home and just felt awful about having left in the first place and feeding them something gross so we could go out and knowing that I dragged DH out too who really wanted to be with the kids in the evening and has a real sense of work-week structure. I did that multiple times for YEARS.
It was such an eye opener to not just push through the temptation but to really recall and ponder WHAT was going on in my head every time I fell so hard.......anyone else hear the word guilt more than once?! I feel stronger with this little key of self-awareness in my hands. All those times of bad decisions had very little to actually do with food and so much to do with the events going on around me and how I chose to handle (or not handle) them.
Interestingly, today did not go as awesome but I chose to draw upon Monday and Tuesday and I removed the guilt and guess what? Way less damage. I still met my obligations, and I didn't binge because well, I didn't feel the need to escape those negative feelings. I simply didn't eat as I should have and it had nothing to do with anything else. In fact, I now know the power that positive action has over guilt and so I did some extra homework/reading with the kiddos as a vaccine against the "you're a bad mom" message that overeating leads me to. Super powerful stuff. I feel confident I have the antidote to about 90% of my binge triggers. I am ashamed for sure but much more grateful. I don't think I could do those once usual things again knowing what I know now. It's not just knowing it's having learned that productivity in a positive direction is sure to turn that boat around quite effectively. Oh I am grateful! It's so nice to finally get an answer to all those teary, "why?!??!?s". I wish you all the best in discovering yours too if this is something that plagues you as well.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Usually, New Year's Eve is all about "getting one last one in". It's the last of the junk, tamales, egg nog, cider, and every food we didn't somehow squeeze into the month. If it's a non-pregnant year (HA!) add alcohol to that mix. I even smoke cigars on occasion on New Year's Eve. Oh yeah, I'm all about ending my less than stellar years with a bad health binge.
But let's face it, it's never "the last" and I never really "start over" the next day. How can I? It takes weeks to reverse the abuse even if I only consider the physiological toll. I know deep down when I wake up sick and bloated that it's more of the same and as much as I want to deny it, I start the year off with little confidence that anything will ever change.......
So, I had one of my shower revelations....(that's what I call all of my profound thoughts and speeches that occur to me under hot water) and I thought, "what if I ended the year differently?" ....told you it's profound...lol
This year we had decided on (blush) .......chili dogs and nachos. I was to go to Costco today and "load up". Well instead I got out of the shower and announced to family that we are doing something new this year, we are having a salad bar for dinner. Kale, arugula, crab, egg, beans, tomato, avocado etc.........bread with olive oil and balsamic and a huge container of decaf peach tea. For dessert, strawberry -lime smoothies. Now I don't need a smoothie but it keeps the kiddos happy and keeps an ice cream sundae bar out of my house. "An infusion of cell-nourishing foods" I explained. We are going to wake up on January 1st feeling good. Believe it or not, they were so grateful (kinda embarrassing!) I have three health aware teens so they were all about the fresh.
I did go shopping today and passed up all the chips, soda and sweets. I had a cart full of veggies and more veggies and lean proteins for the following dinners. I am happy to say it didn't feel forced or manic but I had a sense of calm and more like a return to goodness.
The other day I was overeating and I wanted to stop myself and re-assess and we are told to do. Interestingly, what came out was, "Carri, why are you punishing yourself?" HUH?? Since then I have been keenly aware that I deserve the effort, possible expense, although we all know long term it's an investment, and planning it takes to take care of me. I don't always believe it or I wouldn't be this weight but this is different. I did not meet my fitness goals for the year. I leave 2013 weighing exactly the same as last year, and yet there is still some room for kindness on exit. That makes me hopeful that change is happening. The deepest most important kind.
I wish you all a blessed, and safe holiday and I look forward to joining you on our 2014 leg of the journey!
Friday, November 08, 2013
It's been sooooooooo busy. whine, whine.
The sports about killed me, at least helped me get fatter Thank God I have a husband who agrees with me that we are foregoing little kid sports except for swimming in the summer from now on. The junior high/high schoolers benefit in many ways but for our family, it's just crazy-making to sign up and commit to the tike sports. Lesson learned, onward.
I missed all of you and happiness overflowing when I logged on. I wrestled and cleaned my water bottle back from the soccer kids who could never find theirs, I've got my walking DVD in the laptop, and I'm ready to track away these nine pounds that came from overwhelmed trips through the drive-thru, pizza parties and "quickie" dinners due to practices every night.
Life will never slow down but I really let go of caring for me while trying to get everyone everywhere in the name of "good mom". Screw that jazz.......here comes imperfect, healthy mom
Can't wait to catch up with you all!
Friday, August 16, 2013
..............to add a little faith to the journey.
I had to share this with you. As most of you friends know or have guessed by now, I am a Catholic gal. In the period after my good friend was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, another good friend passed this novena on to me for us both. I ended up praying the novena and I would be selfish not to share with you all the peace that it has brought me. You guys have been hanging in here with me for the last few years and have been so supportive. Risking offending anyone, I still am moved to share.
Novenas are not just for Catholics or even only Christians for that matter. It is a form of guided meditation done for nine days. There are many novenas some with rosaries involved and some not. This particular novena involves reading a small paragraph focus each day and reflecting on in throughout the day. Novenas are not special "success recipes", charms, miraculous formulas or wish granters (not unheard of though if the petition is in line with divine will)
This novena is about surrender and peace and the grace for both. I cannot express to you all what a difference it is making with my health journey. I pray that I can handle everything better and let me tell you I have real peace. For the sake of SP I am talking here mostly about food and weight and my struggles with both but this has brought be so much peace in every area of my life. Are things perfect now? No. I am handling things better though and it's creating more room each day to take care of the important things and progress in deepening my relationships.
Okay, so I have tried and failed numerous times with the "surrender" type diet where I weigh, overeat, and try to be okay with myself until my clothes no longer fit and in tears I log back in and get all hyper focused until I burn out or get bored etc....... You know the drill. I am now honestly in neither space. I am in unfamiliar, fabulous space that I don't feel the need to measure myself anymore all the time "just to be sure it's not all water" or whatever. I eat less, am able to limit my caffeine to a reasonable amount (no more frozen coffees) and am moving and resting more each day. For the record, I also stopped weighing myself but I will share that the last time I did before I decided it doesn't matter too much for me anymore, I was down 4. I hesitate to share that because it's not really the point. Good healthy living and peace are. I feel liberated from the cycle.
I'm not saying anyone should stop tracking, weighing and counting fitness minutes at all! I am sharing that I am finally making progress by finding peace with myself today instead of hoping I'll get in in those size 9 jeans a few years from now. Am I thrilled with my overweight body?NO, but it's no longer the center of my existence. I have heard other people here get to this space and I so get it now. It's not the tight-rope kind of "peace" that I beg and pray won't leave me every day. That I can be okay with my half pound loss, the idea of never eating a carb again, the math that I do between each event, "if I lose X every week for X amount of weeks, by Christmas/Birthday/next summer I'll be..........X amount on the scale". Wondering if my taste buds and budget can sustain my latest diet......and the hundreds of ways that being trapped in all this has robbed me of paying attention to what I need to do each day. When I get behind with all that, I end up dreading appointments, making phone calls, neglecting the bills.
The interesting thing about this prayer is that it turns the thinking of "taking care of self so as to take better care of others" on it's head. Scary huh? It's more of a "I am cared for and loved and I don't need to panic about myself anymore so I can take better care of others" .
Anyway, everyone will have a different take on it but I have been passing this around to a lot of my friends and family and I do consider you guys my friends so check it out if you are interested. Here is the link and I hope that this is as wonderful for you as it has been for me. I know we talk a lot about food addiction being like any other addiction and surrender is a familiar component in the 12 step process too that I know many of you follow so I am happy to join you in understanding how powerful that is.
I am gone for a soccer season, No joke, I have to high schoolers on swim team, a junior higher in volleyball and three kids in soccer. We are gone every day! There is no way I could do this without God's grace! You would be so proud, I pack a healthy cooler each day and we have stayed away from the convenient snare of fast food and coffee for the most part. I will check in when I can. Hope you are all well!
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