TIME4CARRI   14,563
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Day 2

Friday, December 19, 2014

I am in range today, Yay! I just have to walk straight to bed after this blog emoticon
Today was crazy busy starting with an early dishwasher install. Did I mention we've been washing all our dishes since before Thanksgiving? I haven't done that since I only had kids, what a time consumer and my sinks and counter space are small so I'm grateful the darn thing is in. Then it was race to get babies ready, pick up kids, put up a tree for a friend in an assisted living facility, race back to shower, feed and curl school kids and off to the Christmas pageant. Then since they all looked so nice I thought I'd get them to the mall for a quick pic with Santa. I'm so bad the very last pic my kids took with Santa my now 10 year old was a baby! I'm not very good about that stuff. We do so much at home. Ah well........ naturally, one wanted to get away:)

I did pull out my scale today because the suspense was killing me and I felt strong enough to take it. I am back up 4lbs from my lowest and still hanging on to my 40lb loss so I was happy. I did dress for the pageant this year which was nice. I can remember being so awful to my husband once for changing into a nice shirt and jacket once on our way after work making some bitchy comment and I am ashamed because now I can see how ugly I felt and acted when I was at my heaviest. I was so bitter and jealous that he treated it as a special occasion (and it really is) because I felt gross and pressured to look nice and just overall uncomfortable and wanting to hide. This year I got all dolled up and wow, how fun! It is occasion I will look forward to from now on. I did feel old though. Once upon a time I was the youngest mom at school, Now I am one of the oldest and will be THE oldest when my baby goes to kindergarten. It's not that being older is bad, it's just a new reality of life to adjust to:) Most of the moms my age graduate with their kids after 8th grade but we have so many years still to go.
I deviated from my planned food today with some cheese and crackers but I stuck to my guns on dinner, no fast food. I knew I could make eggs and sausage and bagels quickly while everyone was showering and I threw some veggies under the broiler and I skipped the eggs and stayed in range and managed to start working my veggies back in. It was still a bit more reactive eating than I would have liked but I got through without pizza or burgers and that makes me feel like a good mom which helps me stay positive. We even lit our Advent candles amidst the rush.
Tomorrow and the next week will be crazy busy we have to finish our shopping, cleaning, decorating and are having the Godkids over on Sunday for a luncheon and then it's tamale making. Life is busy for us all right now but I stayed pretty steady last year so I know I can do it again.

Just for fun: The curly girl in purple is now the oldest on the side holding the escapee and the baby boy is the little guy in black on the far right. See? terrible at this stuff! And sadly, the other four in the first pic weren't here tonight (oldest boy and girl live in So. Cal, other son had work tonight, daughter away at basketball tournament)



  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FEEDTHEHUNGER 12/19/2014 6:43AM

    Wonderful organization and getting it done -- my hat is off to you in the management of so many responsibilities at once.

WOW -- cute family!!!

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BETHGILLIGAN 12/19/2014 6:32AM

    Love the picture!! How cute are they? I don't know how you handle all of them at once! emoticon It sounds like you're feeling a bit better. Hang in there! You sound so busy I don't know how you have time to eat!! Hugs!

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PICKIE98 12/19/2014 5:27AM

    How cute!!

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GHOSTFLAMES 12/19/2014 4:05AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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A blog a day for as long as it takes

Thursday, December 18, 2014

I am so surprised by my own behavior. I so know what I want to do and I just am having a hard time getting back to living my healthy lifestyle. It's extremely frustrating and I feel my confidence slipping a little more each day. A few months ago, when I was rockin, I had to have my thyroid checked and meds adjusted three times because there was less of me to medicate. Negative thinking creeps in and I wonder if I even lost the weight at all or if it was just from being over medicated. That's a depressing thought because that would prove I really can't do this after all these years. I don't want to go there. I have put my scale away because I know it's bad and at this point the numbers are going to upset me further and I don't need that right now while I'm trying to stop a downward spiral. I DO know the power of SP and how airing it out here is beneficial. I also need to be able to read this in the future too. Soooo, I'm going blog daily so I can pick up on some patterns and process some stuff daily. A very concentrated effort to get back on track.

I took my math final today and I felt really good about it. I had planned my calories and was on track. I talked myself down on the ride home about not eating once I walked in the door and how good it would feel to end the day in range after a successful test. What did I do? walked in and binged. As soon as I felt disgusted I used the test to talk hubby into celebrating the end of the semester at Baskin Robbins. As we were heading out the door I said, "NO." He told me I deserved it but I told him that punishing myself is not celebratory. I put my apron on, cleaned my kitchen, made my water bottle all nice and icey, took my multivitamin, (for me a very small and simple, yet powerful way of being good to myself) and got into my jammies early. I haven't done that in weeks. Calorie-wise, the day did not go the way I would have liked but I do remember having strong moments like this one when I was actively losing and it felt wonderfully familiar and good.
Off to plan a healthy tomorrow. It's going to be a very busy day and I hope I will be writing a proud blog tomorrow night.

  
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JITZUROE 12/18/2014 10:37AM

    Two big POSITIVE things happened within that binge day. Just before the binge and (most importantly) AFTER the binge:
You were feeling GOOD about that exam. Wonderful to hear since I know you studied and prepped for it. Yayyyyyy! That's a big 'win'.
Yes, you overate once you got home, but I blame a lot of that on a learned habit that a lot of us have ingrained into our brains. I am with you here, as I have done that too many times. It is a personal reward system of sorts, and also a huge release of the stress you have had over the exam and doing well.
Over time we can re-train our brains with a new rewards system of sorts. I am totally a newbie at this myself, but can tell you that one time when I bought myself some workout clothes instead of eating a bunch of candy as a reward, I was so surprised at myself! So used to the latter choice. But I still slip up often, so, we take it day by day...

The other great thing that happened to you was when you actively decided to change the patten by NOT going to get ice cream. By drinking your water, taking your vitamin and being kind to yourself by going to relax. WOW! It's sooooo hard to stop a moving train right? And you did! You did! I'm proud of you : ).

And we are all here for you. To cheer you on and lift you up.

Bren

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BETHGILLIGAN 12/18/2014 7:50AM

    Carri--Seems we are almost at the very same low point. I was walking with my daughter yesterday; my foot slipped off the edge of the sidewalk and I fell flat on my face hitting my right knee on the concrete. This is, I think, my 3rd big fall in the past year or so. It finished off what little confidence I had. I feel fat, clumsy and old. I have been on Spark since 2009 and weigh more now. I lost 3 pounds in 3 months and have gained them back. I refuse to get on the scale now. My hubby has offered to pay for Jazzercise (I used to love it) but I am too embarrassed to go. I know there is no way I could even begin to keep up at this point. I think I need counseling for my conflicted self. I can access a wellness coach through my health insurance or a counselor. I am sorry to be such a Debbie Downer when you are looking for some encouragement. All I can say is hang in there, you are definitely not alone!! Hugs!

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GENRE009 12/18/2014 2:30AM

    OK SO YOU SEE YOURSELF SLIP UP, NO ONE IS PERFECT. WE ALL SLIP UP, just get back to where you were more stable about your routine, and even if you don't feel it, it will come back eventually. I just got derailed from a family member calling me telling me how much they acre. I just wish they wouldn't bother. It really hurts to have someone call you once a year, and tell you they love you. Then after that I injured myself, and stopped going to Weight Watchers, because I realized that I eat out of pain. I won't do pain killers cause I had ulcers in college. I was derailed at 138 which took me 1 12/2 years to get to because of all kinds of stress, but I kept getting back on my life style diet of 1200 calories, and exercising at least 4-6 times a week doing resistance, and walking 2 miles every other. In a month and a half I went to 156 from eating because I was in pain. I am back on track now, and maybe I don't have the enthusiasm that I did before, but I have forgiven myself, and moved on. As should you. But make sure you get all your trigger foods out of the house. Get your hubby on board too maybe with the exercises. Tell him how important this is too you also. Plus in WW I learned that you need to journal ahead of time, and plan out minny meals when you are away from home. People usually bing when they have gone too long without eating. Keep a small-2 tablespoons of peanuts on you. I hope I helped you in some way. eva

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baby steps back

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

I'm not totally sure what is going on. There was a time only a few weeks ago I swore I'd never mistreat myself the way I had in the past. I was feeling so good and on top of it even through some stressors. The whole thing has gone to pot and I can say the amount of food I have consumed would count as a binge more than once over the past week.

Even when I though I had if figured out, it seems I am still determined to punish myself this way and so as before, I don't have the time to figure it out before I gain all of my weight back so regardless, I will keep exploring the situation but I have to get back to some concrete steps that have worked in the past and consistently. I do track my food but I used to PLAN my food the night, sometimes a week before. Check. This really helps me stop the impulsive snacking because I know my planned food is balanced and counted for so anything more is over and of less quality. I need more water. period. I need to remind myself that I am capable because I am still here plugging along and I have lost 40 lbs it's not a dream:)

So, off to bed and ready for a stellar tomorrow......

  
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FEEDTHEHUNGER 12/16/2014 7:12AM

    According to obesity research, the body does not like to give up weight and the brain and body will do things to you to cause you to regain lost weight unless you force your brain into a new groove which the body will follow. One way to do that is to change the language we use from "I have to" or "I need to" to "I want to." It sounds silly, but part of our brain is simple enough that if we repeat to ourselves, "I want more water," it feels like a gift when we get it. I am in diet rebellion myself at the moment and the more I tell myself I should, have to or need to, the more I dig in with "don't wanna." So, I'm taking my own advice: I really want to get more exercise today.

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The inner peace...

Tuesday, December 02, 2014

I'm not going to lie it's been pretty junkie around here for the last few months. I've had some adult kid issues of the "I'm in my twenties and have decided all of my problems are due not to my decisions but to your bad mothering!" variety. Joy. I also have a husband who is adjusting to my updated size. I won't comment too much on this because he really is a great guy and I don't want to demonize him but please read Feedthehunger's courageous blog addressing this type of thing:


http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage_public
_journal_individual.asp?blog_id=5822051

It just kind of sucks around here. I am not pregnant for the first time in four years and that too is an adjustment. Life. Is . Changing.

Today I turned 40. I have been thinking about what this means in many different aspects. It really is an introspective age. My mom popped in yesterday and we had a nice dinner and she gave me some gifts and then at dinner presented me with my grandmother's wedding ring. Awesome. My grandmother has been gone for twenty years and I never really was close to her (we lived 500 miles away) I am one of dozens of grand kids somewhere near the bottom but we have lots in common. She had 13 children. She is my "go-to" saint nowadays as I juggle my own big family. The gift was really profound for me.

As for today, I knew it would be a challenge with DH. We have bad history when it comes to my birthday. He never does or plans anything and after years of whining and crying, I have learned to just ask for what I want (dinner, massage). Today was like all the rest. I knew it would be so I had already vowed to be extra good to myself. I focused on my heavenly inspired gift from my mother, fought my way through my workout, bought the frozen coffee I wanted and then decided I wouldn't push for dinner out because we ate plenty yesterday and made dinner, making sure I stayed withing my calorie range. My friend always makes me a wonderful cranberry cake (she knows DH never gets me a cake). Tonight I took a nibble and set the rest out for the family.
I feel great. I feel at peace. I totally see the correlation between all the years I counted on and depended on someone else to make me feel special one day out of the year (and more) and how I treated myself. I thought if I took care of myself then nobody else would.........uh newsflash, they weren't. The difference is I no longer NEED that from someone else. Nice when it happens but I move on strongly either way.

I used to wallow in self pity on my birthday but today I was truly grateful. grateful to be alive another year, grateful for my family, grateful for Sparkpeople, grateful that I knew just how to care for myself in a way that leaves me feeling good. Grateful that I am learning how to love myself:) Super grateful I didn't punish myself as in the past because I equated my self worth to the capabilities of another fellow broken human and how they see things.

I have been hanging around this weight for awhile now and it's apparent to me that there is a "hang-up". I wondered if it was the birthday. I think now what I needed was maybe to just get past it knowing it might be uncomfortable. I needed to know two things;

A.) my weight isn't going to change anyone else. THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON.
B.) I was just as precious 40 lbs ago and will be just as precious 40 lbs from now. I AM THE SAME PERSON.

Exhale.
I don't feel balls to the wall inspired to move forward again. I feel quietly confident like tip-toeing back on the path. Less encumbered, peacefully. I needed courage and maybe some self permission to keep going. There are reactions, they aren't all pleasant,.........and I won't die over them.

..............such a calm and wonderful peace...........


  
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CCVINE 12/11/2014 7:30PM

    December 1st will always be a special day, it’s you’re day the one chosen especially for you!

Birthdays take on different meanings to different people, To me it’s a gift and an opportunity… for every year we celebrate a birthday we celebrate two gifts, the gift of a year’s passing and the gift of a year to come and within each we gain knowledge, momentum and strength as we move into the next on our own spectacular journey to become the person we’ve been gifted to be… May this next year be full of many Joys and Blessings as you unwrap each and every day along your awesome and special journey! CC


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BETHGILLIGAN 12/10/2014 8:09AM

    Carri--Such a great blog!! You have figured out many things about yourself and some others in your life that are making you the confident, peaceful woman you are meant to be! Having your grandmother's ring is a beautiful link to the women who came before you. What a wonderful gift from your mom. Sounds like you are doing well right now (physically and emotionally). Good for you! Beautiful blog! emoticon

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SOFT_VAL67 12/6/2014 9:17AM

    Hope you had a good birthday.
Dont rely on men to make your birthday enjoyable, I dont think they really intend to be so unschooled, lol.
i dont know if mine has given me a card or bought me anything for years.
usually he cleans the house for me or takes me to my choice of movie, because he hates my movie choices,

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FORZACHANDMATT 12/6/2014 8:31AM

    Good for you!!!

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ISHIIGIRL 12/6/2014 8:28AM

    HI Cari, I am glad you are starting to find inner peace. My forties were probably the best time in my life. I really came into myself. I think 40 is about acceptance of oneself and being confident in who you are. Many wonderful things have happened since I turned 40. It truly was a remarkable time for me. Now that I am 50, I have a different perspective on things again. I am hopeful my 50s will be just as great as my 40s. Remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. You don't lose in life until you stop trying. Kepp going, you will get there! Oh, and Happy Birthday Woman!

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RYDERB 12/2/2014 9:56AM

    Happy belated birthday! "Quietly confident, less encumbered, and peaceful." Such a beautiful and powerful way to start off your new year.
emoticon emoticon

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GIMMESPARK 12/2/2014 7:07AM

    What a great blog--so many insights in there. The beauty of birthdays is that they're like little lines in the sand that remind us that we're getting WISER, and your blog definitely proves it. At 40, you have the wisdom (and life context) to recognize the truths about others and your own triggers. May you think of your personal growth each time you look at your grandmother's ring.

One thought on turning 40: I decided to consider it my "Renaissance" / rebirth. I figured that it's officially middle age, so I can see it as the point defining before and after. The first half of my life was largely determined by my reactions to what others did/said/thought. The second half is more directed by internal mechanisms. Your children, husband, etc. will still need you and require energy and love, but maybe you could continue down the path of learning more about yourself and giving yourself more.

Happy birthday!!!

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FEEDTHEHUNGER 12/2/2014 6:52AM

    emoticon . It sounds like you received many precious gifts on your birthday this year. Love the fact that your grandmother's ring made its way to you. Love the fact that you realized that creating need and want inside ourselves doesn't inspire other people to act (necessarily). Love most of all the realization that you can quietly move on. You don't have to violently tear away the pounds. You can just treat yourself very well and let events take their course. This is a gift that will create genuine joy within you every day of the year.

emoticon

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POETICJUSTUS 12/2/2014 2:57AM

    emoticon

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the opposite can be true too.

Thursday, November 06, 2014

Well I was doing oh so great and feeling invincible these last few months and then decided to set some pretty ambitious goals to meet by my 40th birthday which is now less than a month away. I won't be meeting those goals.

I have to say I am never-ever-ever mad anymore about how long this whole journey takes. Impatient, yeah, mad, no. I have all these stops along the way that require dismantling my thoughts and actions and readjusting and plain old getting used to a new size before being able to move forward again. It's so valuable to me because unlike others, I could never lose all my weight quickly and keep it off. There is simply too much psychology to all of this for me and it's mainly not about calories. So I'm happy to take the time to fix some things once and for all before heading on. When I begin gaining again, it's time to take a closer look, there is always a reason I choose to punish myself and besides conquering that unhealthy tendency, there is a reason why. It's not usually immediately obvious so it takes time to figure out. Often weeks.

Back to a month ago. I thought I'd ramp up my tortoise like weight loss by exercising again. I haven't been able to since baby (girl stuff) so when the time was right it was so fun again. The heart was pounding, the muscles were happily fatigued, the thirst for water came back, I smiled while getting dressed after my shower, Life is good. The endorphins from exercise are nothing less than addicting. So why did I gain back SEVEN POUNDS?????????and land myself back in a range way to close to 200?
Well it wasn't the obvious reason like being more hungry, I actually crave less when I'm properly fitnessed. I ate more of course but the real reason is because whenever I couldn't work out, I felt the opposite of all those things and it was very unsettling. Like I've said many times, throw me big ol ugly things in life and I'll chew em up but Lord don't let me be uncomfortable.
SO it looks like this sometimes:

Got my workout in:
feel accomplished
energized
feel sexy when my muscles ache under my clothes
love putting my fitness minutes up

Didn't get my workout in:
feel failure
sluggish
feel frumpy
don't feel like tracking food since no fitness minutes to log

You get the idea, it goes on and on.....
It's another form of black and white thinking.

I know this to be true for me because when the midwife ordered me off of exercise last spring I was so much more focused on my nutrition, I didn't feel unworthy of healthy eating because I couldn't exercise. I kept that same mentality through summer and then when I introduced it back into my program, the whole thing fell apart again and that's where seven pounds came back on. Darn "All or Nothing" thinking. Messages like "suck it up buttercup, just do it, no excuses" are great at different poinst along the way but I already believe wholeheartedly in the value of getting up when I don't feel like it and fighting my way through a workout. What I don't do well with is how to react when it's just not possible and 10 minutes increments etc...aside, sometimes I really am unable. Sometimes there really isn't time, or I'm exhausted, or I need to conserve my energy for a late night etc....
I once worked for a doctor about 20 years ago who jogged like 5 miles every morning. We always knew when he missed his jog because he was sooooo moody. That's what I have become. It's not that healthy ESPECIALLY if you happen to use food to push down disappointments or feeling UNCOMFORTABLE. All of a sudden interrupted workouts don't count , only being able to workout two days out of the week is lame, fitness tickers that have hardly moved become agitating to look at all add up to more reasons to throw it all in and "start tomorrow". The only problem is, I can plan and eat very well but I can never predict whether or not the exercise piece is really going to happen. Not with four kids under four in the house. Yes, I can plan, wake up earlier, stay up later etc...but really, the obsessive part doesn't need that for fuel and I become a basket case. It ups the stakes in terms of how mad I'm going to be if I still can't get it in.
It always cracks me up when people say you just need to have some self control to lose weight. Seriously, it's being a frustrated perfectionist that does me the most harm.
So, I promised myself today I'd write this blog whether or not I was able to exercise ( I was , Yay!) and I am promising myself to still do my best food-wise regardless of whether it's a stellar day with all the elements lined up perfectly or not. Exercise is great, it makes me feel good but so does a sunny day, happy teenagers, a perfectly stocked pantry, eight hours of sleep, clean laundry etc.... it belongs in that category for me now. I will always strive for it but it can't have that much power to derail me biggest priority which is eating healthily. As I peel layers away it becomes more and more apparent that planning and hanging tight to my eating habits emerges as the most important factor.
I now have a new goal for my birthday which is to just get back to where I was (it felt nice there) and then move on. No shame, I will either meet it or not but either way I will be better prepared for the next step. I do like mini goals. It's like being in love, I stop throughout the day and go "oh yeah! that will feel so good to see that number again" and I know I can:)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ISHIIGIRL 11/14/2014 7:36AM

    Slow and steady, sister, slow and steady wins the race. You can do this. As long as you haven't quit, you are still ahead. I remember when I was in your shoes with raising the kiddos and time was of the essence. My biggest solace was walking. I would get out with two of the kids in the stroller and walk the block in the morning. We all loved it. It is hard to juggle 4 under 4. I find I eat more on the days I exercise and tracking has always been a struggle for me but I am always the most successful when I track. Hang in there and follow your plan, the pounds will start to come off again!

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BETHGILLIGAN 11/11/2014 6:51PM

    This is a great blog! You have such good insight into yourself and your needs. I always eat much better when I'm exercising. If the movement stops, the food goes to "hell in a handbasket". Too much and not as healthy!! I am just now figuring out that 10 minutes here or there is better than nothing. It used to be if I couldn't do a solid 30 minutes (or whatever) I just would do nothing. Finally, figured out that all of those little pieces can add up! Thanks for sharing! sounds like you're doing great!

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JITZUROE 11/7/2014 10:56AM

    Yes, no shame my dear, no shame. I agree, work on the food aspect, and don't worry. The other stuff will line up magically!

I'm excited for your birthday coming soon. I know that you will make more progress by then, and am excited to hear all about it!

It's so refreshing to see that you stopped yourself from getting negative toward yourself because you didn't hit the earlier goal, since we all know that only takes us two steps backward, right? You're such a beautiful, lively and compassionate soul. You have inspired me often and continue to do so today as I read this blog!

Keep it up!
Bren

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NELLJONES 11/7/2014 7:52AM

    Alas, we can't decide we will lose X amount of pounds by X date. All we can do is the next thing in our Plan, and trust that in the long run it will work out. It always does.

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TORTISE110 11/7/2014 6:49AM

    You are so right. Move on and leave the shame behind!

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RYDERB 11/6/2014 6:30PM

    I have been the fitness queen, because I LOVE exercise. But no matter how much I exercise, if I don't feed by body correctly, I can't lose weight. You're a busy mom, of… oops I've lost count emoticon anyway you're REALLY busy! So Im glad you're ready to adjust that all or nothing attitude, and stop punishing yourself for not being able to do it all, AND exercise. Nutrition is the key to weight loss, but it's also the key to health, energy, and that feeling of wellness. Good luck with your new birthday goals. emoticon emoticon


Comment edited on: 11/6/2014 6:31:00 PM

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PJMX18 11/6/2014 4:49PM

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