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40 pounds gone and lessons along the way

Friday, September 26, 2014

I finally got past the 190's which is a bit of a relief because it's WAAAYYYYYY too close to the threshold (200) . The mental barriers are the hardest to get through.

I'm still not able to exercise so that's a bummer but I am also happy that I was able to take of 10 pounds with correct nutrition alone. Another mental barrier.

Overall, I feel better but I am aware that I've got a long long way to go and paradoxically, have already arrived. Nothing will be different when I hit my goal. Day in day out decisions before me are what make the biggest difference.

* each day is a day to do my very best regardless of what groceries we are stocked with, mood I'm in, weather, challenges, state of relationships....etc...

* Just Keep Going......

* handfuls of snack in the afternoon are not my friends!

* No dramatic clothing changes, in fact, I honestly think I look worse now but I'm in transition so whatever. I say this proudly because there was a time when I so feared what my body would do when it deflated that I self-sabotaged many years away and wouldn't lose the first pound.

* from 2008-2014 I lost a between 8-12 pounds. I've blogged about this. I am now 40 pounds down since last year and the biggest impact has taken place in the earlier years when all I could do was log on and hang in. If you aren't losing weight but still here reading, learning from and supporting others, you are halfway there. I know it doesn't feel that way but one day it all lines up and it starts to progress again.

Life is so busy, it's not slowing down, there is no time but this time!


30lbs gone

40lbs gone

Not awesome but it is so liberating to no longer stand a certain way, suck in, stick out and who knows what else in fear of what I look like. This is me today. It's better than it was 40 pounds ago. period.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANNIE50 9/29/2014 4:25PM

    Hello you gorgeous, wise woman, you. I LOVE your blogs and I always thoroughly relate. I practically get whiplash from nodding my head so much as I read each line. The older I get (and I am much older than you) the more this becomes about how I can feel unburdened, by both losing excess weight and loosening the grip compulsive eating has on me. My days of leading with my appearance are in the rearview mirror. That is not my main contribution, and, of course, never should have been, but with each passing day I feel a little more liberated from the perceived pressure to look a certain way. I want to feel strong and healthy and capable and I personally cannot do that if, as a 5'3" small boned woman, I am carrying close to 200 lbs. I, like you, am so glad to be out of the 190's because, YES, way too close to the 200 pounds neighborhood. I am so happy for you. Oh, and I love your advice to people to stick around here, keep checking in, and learning, and trust that you will come to a place of willingness. Once again, I feel such a connection to you, and so much gratitude towards you. I swear, on one of my famous road trips, I am going to visit you : )

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CINDYT63 9/28/2014 7:47PM

    You are so insightful!
I am at a standstill, and even up a couple of pounds and not really feeling whatever it is I need to feel, think or do to get past where I am.
You are so good at articulating the ambiguous grey fogs we can get into, I always get a little bit clearer when I read your blogs, AND, you look GORGEOUS!
I was looking at myself in a dressing room mirror today, looking at my inner tube stomach and thinking, what is the freaking point...I'm never going to look GOOD.
But I do want to progress, and maybe it's okay to just be hanging for awhile.
It appears to be a much bigger deal than I give it credit for being.
Thank you for your clarity and insights. They are extremely helpful to me.
And what a gorgeous baby!

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    You look beautiful. Congratulations. It must feel great!

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JACKIEWALKS4FUN 9/27/2014 12:07AM

    emoticon You do look great emoticon

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BETHGILLIGAN 9/26/2014 8:16PM

    You look wonderful!! I am so happy for you! You've come a long way and gone through a lot and look what all that hard work and good eating got you!!! I am so proud! Keep it up!

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SECOND2 9/26/2014 6:33PM


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TWIRLNYC 9/26/2014 5:37PM


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Back to it, back to school..........

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

The high schoolers started back today, the rest start on Wednesday. I have been holding out under 200 but doinking around with the same four pounds. up, down, lather, rinse repeat. My baby is two months old today and so it's time to get back to exercising. Summer was great. I had hoped to lose more by the start of school but it was a laid back celebratory time. I did okay.
I'm ready to rise to some challenges again, mostly non scale stuff. I haven't worked out since I was taken off exercise in April so I'll start there having fun with fitness minutes. Four babies at home makes for interrupted sessions but that is my life right now and I'm going to keep my sense of humor and take advantage of the weekends when there is help around. I have some clothes I'd like to fit better in and family visiting in November as well as my 40th birthday in December so lots of things to want to feel good for.
My thyroid meds have been dialed back so that's good news. My dose was adjusted when my bloodwork came back. I'm sure it's due to less of me to have to medicate. Yay!
I will not be meeting my birthday goal as far as the scale goes but I'm flexible (only to a point) and I can still give myself that gift soon after.
I went shopping the other day and it was so bizarre to try and find clothes for all of my squishy skin but I was so happy at how far I've come that it wasn't nearly the horrible thing I'd feared for so long. Who cares??!!
I hope you are all doing well and as the academic year is "New Year" for so many of us,..... Happy New Year!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CINDYT63 9/1/2014 7:44PM

    I am with you sister! Let's just get it done!
But, I can't imagine having four babies. You are BLESSED!
I am so glad you are here! As different as our lives are, they are still the same.

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CANNIE50 8/19/2014 2:25PM

    I agree with BethGilligan, 4 babies is a lot of built in exercise, to say nothing of all the homemaking chores and general running around that goes with running a home. I always tell people being a mother/homemaker requires a lot of physical labor. That is why my uniform is yoga pants/tank top/lightweight hoodie/running shoes. So, what kind of exercise will you be incorporating? I always think strength training gives a woman over 40 more bang for their buck (So you may as well get a head start, Miss 39-year-old....oh my gosh, you are SO young...I loved that age). Let's face it, you probably get lots of bursts of cardio throughout the day. I am so happy you are feeling better, and seeing progress towards a more comfortable weight to carry around. I, too, think of the beginning of school as a "new year" - such a nice fresh start. Our summer has begun to deteriorate! Time to get back in the school routine soon. Payton begins 5th grade on September 2nd. I feel like a lame-o, only having one kid left at home, when I think of what you do. Of course, I also have two energetic, needy dogs and they require hours of work and effort which seems crazy to me, but they really do. I am glad to hear you get extra help on the weekends. I hope you fit in bits of quiet and solitude for yourself. When two of mine were teenagers (the oldest was already gone) and Payton was a wild little toddler/pre schooler, I used to stand in my bathroom with the fan going to block out some of their noise for a few moments. I did that often enough that I burned out the motor in the fan! But, a woman needs some time when her brain is not filled with the chaos (happy or not) of children : ) Just a few moments to string some thoughts together went a long way in calming my nerves. I think of you, doll. I am so glad to have you as my friend.

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BETHGILLIGAN 8/19/2014 7:59AM

    Personally, I would think the four babies would be enough exercise! emoticon Where do you get your energy??? Sounds like things are going well and you sound like you're in a "good place". Good luck getting back into routine! I'm being more focused on my exercise and am starting to see some results. emoticon My weight fluctuates so much that I'm not claiming any weight loss for awhile but I am feeling better. Have a great back to school!

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Thursday, July 24, 2014

I thought I'd share some pics from last weekend with my sparkbuddies.

On the health side, I made some great decisions on the day of the baptism but then the next day I helped a friend pack up and clean for her move to Wisconsin and also took her to her going away party. There are some people there that unnerved me and sadly, I chose to overeat.......for three days! I still got it kid!! I can still come unraveled over stupid stuff. Ahhh well, back on my feet again today and still relishing in a beautiful baptism. I want to focus on the BEST part of my weekend which was spent with my family and friends celebrating. The only bummer was that my oldest daughter couldn't make it up from SB. (no time off work, thanks Nordy's anniversary sale:() Thanks for letting me share.

All the kids outside after the ceremony minus oldest DD

My two oldest boys. I am so happy my Navykid flew up for the baptism

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANNIE50 8/8/2014 1:04AM

    Look at your darling baby. Your family is beautiful. How could they not be? Look at gorgeous YOU! Sorry you were unnerved by people at the party, and overate. OH, how I related to that. How are you doing now? How are you feeling?

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JITZUROE 7/29/2014 11:09AM

    Ohhhhh look at how GORGEOUS that baby is!!
And it's so easy to see how happy everyone truly is. I love that.

Blessings to you and the family!

BTW, about a million years ago I worked at Nordstroms. That annual sale was a killer!

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    Beautiful baby! The gown is precious.

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AQUAGIRL08 7/24/2014 9:17PM

    What a precious baby and good looking family. You must be proud.

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BETHGILLIGAN 7/24/2014 7:05PM

    What a sweet baby! What a beautiful family! And, you look great!!!

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GEMINICHIK 7/24/2014 6:25PM

    God bless this perfect little one.

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Thursday, July 10, 2014

As I go along, I ponder throughout the day why I want to reach for food (or yummy drink) when I am already nourished and hydrated. We all know the deal about hiding from our feelings and eating when we are bored etc... I have found that along with that and maybe more accurately for me is that I don't like to be uncomfortable. I can handle pain. Like many of you here, I am an over-comer and a strong person for the most part BUT I don't like to be uncomfortable.

There are countless times throughout a regular day when I get wisps of fatigue, loneliness, anxiety, sadness, and more. I am no longer a depressed person but this is not a perfect world and we don't live in a perpetual state of happiness. If I read a crappy yahoo article or three about another tragedy, if an email or text I have sent goes unanswered, if I observe any one of my kids growing/blossoming before my eyes and I get a bit sappy, when I realize how fast I am aging.......the list goes on and on. These aren't things to despair over they are just......uncomfortable. Like a growling stomach 15 minutes before dinner uncomfortable. Like a sated but not the usual stuffed after a meal uncomfortable. Yes, I've stuffed some deep feelings down over the years, that's how you gain 100 pounds but for sure it's the sprinkling of pleasure by way of taste buds over little moments of nagging gray that had the most effect on my weight. Honestly, if I had only overeaten during the big dark moments I probably would have gained 10lbs. It was the handful of tortilla chips here before confronting a teen about their attitude, an extra creamy coffee after a toddler tantrum there, a bowl of ice cream after a daily grind kinda day with no sign that tomorrow will be much different.

I always get some form of baby blues and this time I told myself that with the grace I receive from prayer, I can handle it. I have been concentrating on not escaping my feelings but just simply feeling them until they pass. Sometimes it feels like torture but mostly I am surprised and impressed with my own strength. It always passes. I decided to apply this to eating less and not numbing myself even for a brief moment with food, but just allow myself to feel what I'm feeling. I almost always conclude that there is no taste that could have distracted me for long before I had to face/feel what I needed to anyway. This is very different from the tactics that I have tried in the past: drink water, take a walk, opt for a low cal snack, make a phone call. These are all useful yes, but sometimes you just need to feel and process what is going on. It may be uncomfortable but when I do it I get the feeling I'm living much more authentically and that alone is worth it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANNIE50 7/23/2014 12:43AM

    I swear we are emotional and food twins! I deeply relate to what you have (so beautifully) written. PS In your spare time, I think you need to write a book! (have you stopped laughing yet, at the notion of spare time? emoticon )

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CINDYT63 7/10/2014 9:14AM

    You have made such amazing progress. Seriously getting down to the black and white reality of why you overeat. I had such an epiphany when I read your blog "No More Games", and I realized I myself was playing games-but not acknowledging them as such. This uncomfortableness is the center of why we overeat or why we "treat" ourselves. The little fracktles of time/feeling/experience that unsettle us. It is managing those, and receiving grace. Choosing to get through them, as opposed to letting them decide. Thank you once again!

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BETHGILLIGAN 7/10/2014 7:12AM

    What a great blog!! Words of wisdom for us all!!! Thank you!

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NYARAMULA 7/10/2014 1:52AM


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HOTPINKCAMARO49 7/10/2014 1:26AM

  emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ZRIE014 7/10/2014 1:20AM

  know what you mean emoticon

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PRAIRIECROCUS 7/10/2014 1:17AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TODDERICKV 7/10/2014 1:16AM

    I felt that way tonight.

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DAIZYSTARLITE 7/10/2014 12:51AM


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30 lbs gone

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

I said I would wait until I maintained my weight for a whole week before awarding myself the 30lb lost goodie but I thought it would be useful to work on a progress pic blog. I LOVE when others post their pics along the way it helps a visual person like me to see progress and the changing shape instead of just the stellar "after" photos. (which are always awesome and inspiring too!)

Fuzzy like my idea of myself. Taken 5 years and 4 kids ago at my high weight of 227

Me and StevieLu who is now 12 days old.

There are a few great reasons for me to have a progress pic. Here are some of them:

Not to be self depreciating but I still have a way to go. Sometimes when my clothes are getting loose or I fit into a large instead of an XL I start to feel cute and eat a bit more. I feel like the skinny person I once was who got fat by not paying attention. I almost NEVER take a full body pic so this is good for me to see and I have it on my phone so there are no illusions. I am overweight and need to stick to my program and lose weight. period.

When you only take head shots, it's easy to lie to yourself about what you really look like. Now I know. I cringed when I saw this today after I asked my daughter to take it but then I am also proud that it is 30lbs less than what I was so, I have to get used to not getting discouraged and giving up. It's painful to see the truth but maybe part of the problem is that I didn't take body pics.....EVER. so I could bury my head in the sand (or bag of chips) and cry only when family or friends captured and shared a random pic. I took this one with intention. I am on a journey. I am not at my destination, I am on my way.

I have always had what I consider a form of what would be the reverse of what an anorexic has when I look in the mirror. I have consistently gotten bigger because I don't think I'm as fat as I am. It sounds arrogant huh? I think it's more denial. The numbers on the scale and in my clothing tags don't lie but I just never saw myself as "that big". It has taken me to lose 30lbs before I would actually explore this. Before now it has been too scary because I didn't have any loss to feel like I could actually lose the weight. 30lbs is a solid loss even though the pregnancies have slowed my loss down, I know it is possible. I don't think I could bear the honesty with myself without even a minimal success. Success makes you confident and brave enough to look with honesty. Since I now know that I can do this, I can bear to look at the whole picture.

I want a picture I can use as a compare in a year or so when I take another 30lbs off. I am really starting to believe I can so why not?!

It's completely out of my comfort zone......therefore I must be growing!

Thanks for reading.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CANNIE50 7/23/2014 12:32AM

    Oh, wow, I am feeling like the lousiest friend right now. Your new baby is here (adorable, and adorable name). I have been out of touch. Okay, it makes me sad that you cringe when you see that picture. Oh, how I wish I could loan you my eyes so you could see the photo of you the way I see the photo of you. Hand to God, my only thought was "oh, look how lovely she is". You see the "old", or shall I say, former, skinny you at the same time you see the current you. I know. I do the same thing. I literally weigh twice as much as I did as a teenager. I absolutely cringe when I see photos of me. I also hear you on not seeing it in the mirror to the degree I see my excess weight in photos. I don't think it is denial so much as a trick our brain plays on us. Our addiction to food is absolutely invested in us NOT seeing our weight clearly or we might deprive that addictive part of our brain some of the quick hits it gets from sugar, flour, fat, salt. That's my experience, anyway.
So, I just wanted to check in with you. I have missed you and I am happy for you. YOU ARE LOVELY, PERIOD!!!!

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CINDYT63 7/1/2014 10:17AM

    Thirty pounds AND Onderland AND a baby! That is totally awesome! Your blogs are very enlightening and you are figuring it out. There's so many layers of issues, beliefs and myriad other things on this journey. You are figuring it out. And you are busting yourself for games you play with yourself. You are definitely on a roll. And you may not see it, but you do look good!

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BETHGILLIGAN 7/1/2014 6:41AM

    30 pounds is great!! Good for you and the changes in your body! You're looking good! We are much alike in this journey! If I feel a bit lighter or clothes are slightly loose, I often abandon the fight. For some reason, I think this means I'm done and can now eat what I want. I also have the same problem with body image: I don't think I'm as big as I am and seeing a photo is often surprising to me. I often complain that the photo makes me look big--well, hello, I AM big. Seeing my reflection in glass causes the same reaction--for a long time I dismissed it as distortion from the glass. I now admit that that is how I really look!! I'm having more aches and pains (esp. in my legs/feet). I usually blame this on age but am realizing it's due more to weight.
You are an inspiration!! I need to bear down and get some of this weight off. Right now, I would love to lose 15 (heck, I'd love to lose one!) and know I have to get going and stay committed.

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