Friday, December 19, 2014
I am in range today, Yay! I just have to walk straight to bed after this blog
Today was crazy busy starting with an early dishwasher install. Did I mention we've been washing all our dishes since before Thanksgiving? I haven't done that since I only had kids, what a time consumer and my sinks and counter space are small so I'm grateful the darn thing is in. Then it was race to get babies ready, pick up kids, put up a tree for a friend in an assisted living facility, race back to shower, feed and curl school kids and off to the Christmas pageant. Then since they all looked so nice I thought I'd get them to the mall for a quick pic with Santa. I'm so bad the very last pic my kids took with Santa my now 10 year old was a baby! I'm not very good about that stuff. We do so much at home. Ah well........ naturally, one wanted to get away:)
I did pull out my scale today because the suspense was killing me and I felt strong enough to take it. I am back up 4lbs from my lowest and still hanging on to my 40lb loss so I was happy. I did dress for the pageant this year which was nice. I can remember being so awful to my husband once for changing into a nice shirt and jacket once on our way after work making some bitchy comment and I am ashamed because now I can see how ugly I felt and acted when I was at my heaviest. I was so bitter and jealous that he treated it as a special occasion (and it really is) because I felt gross and pressured to look nice and just overall uncomfortable and wanting to hide. This year I got all dolled up and wow, how fun! It is occasion I will look forward to from now on. I did feel old though. Once upon a time I was the youngest mom at school, Now I am one of the oldest and will be THE oldest when my baby goes to kindergarten. It's not that being older is bad, it's just a new reality of life to adjust to:) Most of the moms my age graduate with their kids after 8th grade but we have so many years still to go.
I deviated from my planned food today with some cheese and crackers but I stuck to my guns on dinner, no fast food. I knew I could make eggs and sausage and bagels quickly while everyone was showering and I threw some veggies under the broiler and I skipped the eggs and stayed in range and managed to start working my veggies back in. It was still a bit more reactive eating than I would have liked but I got through without pizza or burgers and that makes me feel like a good mom which helps me stay positive. We even lit our Advent candles amidst the rush.
Tomorrow and the next week will be crazy busy we have to finish our shopping, cleaning, decorating and are having the Godkids over on Sunday for a luncheon and then it's tamale making. Life is busy for us all right now but I stayed pretty steady last year so I know I can do it again.
Just for fun: The curly girl in purple is now the oldest on the side holding the escapee and the baby boy is the little guy in black on the far right. See? terrible at this stuff! And sadly, the other four in the first pic weren't here tonight (oldest boy and girl live in So. Cal, other son had work tonight, daughter away at basketball tournament)
Thursday, December 18, 2014
I am so surprised by my own behavior. I so know what I want to do and I just am having a hard time getting back to living my healthy lifestyle. It's extremely frustrating and I feel my confidence slipping a little more each day. A few months ago, when I was rockin, I had to have my thyroid checked and meds adjusted three times because there was less of me to medicate. Negative thinking creeps in and I wonder if I even lost the weight at all or if it was just from being over medicated. That's a depressing thought because that would prove I really can't do this after all these years. I don't want to go there. I have put my scale away because I know it's bad and at this point the numbers are going to upset me further and I don't need that right now while I'm trying to stop a downward spiral. I DO know the power of SP and how airing it out here is beneficial. I also need to be able to read this in the future too. Soooo, I'm going blog daily so I can pick up on some patterns and process some stuff daily. A very concentrated effort to get back on track.
I took my math final today and I felt really good about it. I had planned my calories and was on track. I talked myself down on the ride home about not eating once I walked in the door and how good it would feel to end the day in range after a successful test. What did I do? walked in and binged. As soon as I felt disgusted I used the test to talk hubby into celebrating the end of the semester at Baskin Robbins. As we were heading out the door I said, "NO." He told me I deserved it but I told him that punishing myself is not celebratory. I put my apron on, cleaned my kitchen, made my water bottle all nice and icey, took my multivitamin, (for me a very small and simple, yet powerful way of being good to myself) and got into my jammies early. I haven't done that in weeks. Calorie-wise, the day did not go the way I would have liked but I do remember having strong moments like this one when I was actively losing and it felt wonderfully familiar and good.
Off to plan a healthy tomorrow. It's going to be a very busy day and I hope I will be writing a proud blog tomorrow night.
Tuesday, December 02, 2014
I'm not going to lie it's been pretty junkie around here for the last few months. I've had some adult kid issues of the "I'm in my twenties and have decided all of my problems are due not to my decisions but to your bad mothering!" variety. Joy. I also have a husband who is adjusting to my updated size. I won't comment too much on this because he really is a great guy and I don't want to demonize him but please read Feedthehunger's courageous blog addressing this type of thing:
It just kind of sucks around here. I am not pregnant for the first time in four years and that too is an adjustment. Life. Is . Changing.
Today I turned 40. I have been thinking about what this means in many different aspects. It really is an introspective age. My mom popped in yesterday and we had a nice dinner and she gave me some gifts and then at dinner presented me with my grandmother's wedding ring. Awesome. My grandmother has been gone for twenty years and I never really was close to her (we lived 500 miles away) I am one of dozens of grand kids somewhere near the bottom but we have lots in common. She had 13 children. She is my "go-to" saint nowadays as I juggle my own big family. The gift was really profound for me.
As for today, I knew it would be a challenge with DH. We have bad history when it comes to my birthday. He never does or plans anything and after years of whining and crying, I have learned to just ask for what I want (dinner, massage). Today was like all the rest. I knew it would be so I had already vowed to be extra good to myself. I focused on my heavenly inspired gift from my mother, fought my way through my workout, bought the frozen coffee I wanted and then decided I wouldn't push for dinner out because we ate plenty yesterday and made dinner, making sure I stayed withing my calorie range. My friend always makes me a wonderful cranberry cake (she knows DH never gets me a cake). Tonight I took a nibble and set the rest out for the family.
I feel great. I feel at peace. I totally see the correlation between all the years I counted on and depended on someone else to make me feel special one day out of the year (and more) and how I treated myself. I thought if I took care of myself then nobody else would.........uh newsflash, they weren't. The difference is I no longer NEED that from someone else. Nice when it happens but I move on strongly either way.
I used to wallow in self pity on my birthday but today I was truly grateful. grateful to be alive another year, grateful for my family, grateful for Sparkpeople, grateful that I knew just how to care for myself in a way that leaves me feeling good. Grateful that I am learning how to love myself:) Super grateful I didn't punish myself as in the past because I equated my self worth to the capabilities of another fellow broken human and how they see things.
I have been hanging around this weight for awhile now and it's apparent to me that there is a "hang-up". I wondered if it was the birthday. I think now what I needed was maybe to just get past it knowing it might be uncomfortable. I needed to know two things;
A.) my weight isn't going to change anyone else. THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON.
B.) I was just as precious 40 lbs ago and will be just as precious 40 lbs from now. I AM THE SAME PERSON.
I don't feel balls to the wall inspired to move forward again. I feel quietly confident like tip-toeing back on the path. Less encumbered, peacefully. I needed courage and maybe some self permission to keep going. There are reactions, they aren't all pleasant,.........and I won't die over them.
..............such a calm and wonderful peace...........
Thursday, November 06, 2014
Well I was doing oh so great and feeling invincible these last few months and then decided to set some pretty ambitious goals to meet by my 40th birthday which is now less than a month away. I won't be meeting those goals.
I have to say I am never-ever-ever mad anymore about how long this whole journey takes. Impatient, yeah, mad, no. I have all these stops along the way that require dismantling my thoughts and actions and readjusting and plain old getting used to a new size before being able to move forward again. It's so valuable to me because unlike others, I could never lose all my weight quickly and keep it off. There is simply too much psychology to all of this for me and it's mainly not about calories. So I'm happy to take the time to fix some things once and for all before heading on. When I begin gaining again, it's time to take a closer look, there is always a reason I choose to punish myself and besides conquering that unhealthy tendency, there is a reason why. It's not usually immediately obvious so it takes time to figure out. Often weeks.
Back to a month ago. I thought I'd ramp up my tortoise like weight loss by exercising again. I haven't been able to since baby (girl stuff) so when the time was right it was so fun again. The heart was pounding, the muscles were happily fatigued, the thirst for water came back, I smiled while getting dressed after my shower, Life is good. The endorphins from exercise are nothing less than addicting. So why did I gain back SEVEN POUNDS?????????and land myself back in a range way to close to 200?
Well it wasn't the obvious reason like being more hungry, I actually crave less when I'm properly fitnessed. I ate more of course but the real reason is because whenever I couldn't work out, I felt the opposite of all those things and it was very unsettling. Like I've said many times, throw me big ol ugly things in life and I'll chew em up but Lord don't let me be uncomfortable.
SO it looks like this sometimes:
Got my workout in:
feel sexy when my muscles ache under my clothes
love putting my fitness minutes up
Didn't get my workout in:
don't feel like tracking food since no fitness minutes to log
You get the idea, it goes on and on.....
It's another form of black and white thinking.
I know this to be true for me because when the midwife ordered me off of exercise last spring I was so much more focused on my nutrition, I didn't feel unworthy of healthy eating because I couldn't exercise. I kept that same mentality through summer and then when I introduced it back into my program, the whole thing fell apart again and that's where seven pounds came back on. Darn "All or Nothing" thinking. Messages like "suck it up buttercup, just do it, no excuses" are great at different poinst along the way but I already believe wholeheartedly in the value of getting up when I don't feel like it and fighting my way through a workout. What I don't do well with is how to react when it's just not possible and 10 minutes increments etc...aside, sometimes I really am unable. Sometimes there really isn't time, or I'm exhausted, or I need to conserve my energy for a late night etc....
I once worked for a doctor about 20 years ago who jogged like 5 miles every morning. We always knew when he missed his jog because he was sooooo moody. That's what I have become. It's not that healthy ESPECIALLY if you happen to use food to push down disappointments or feeling UNCOMFORTABLE. All of a sudden interrupted workouts don't count , only being able to workout two days out of the week is lame, fitness tickers that have hardly moved become agitating to look at all add up to more reasons to throw it all in and "start tomorrow". The only problem is, I can plan and eat very well but I can never predict whether or not the exercise piece is really going to happen. Not with four kids under four in the house. Yes, I can plan, wake up earlier, stay up later etc...but really, the obsessive part doesn't need that for fuel and I become a basket case. It ups the stakes in terms of how mad I'm going to be if I still can't get it in.
It always cracks me up when people say you just need to have some self control to lose weight. Seriously, it's being a frustrated perfectionist that does me the most harm.
So, I promised myself today I'd write this blog whether or not I was able to exercise ( I was , Yay!) and I am promising myself to still do my best food-wise regardless of whether it's a stellar day with all the elements lined up perfectly or not. Exercise is great, it makes me feel good but so does a sunny day, happy teenagers, a perfectly stocked pantry, eight hours of sleep, clean laundry etc.... it belongs in that category for me now. I will always strive for it but it can't have that much power to derail me biggest priority which is eating healthily. As I peel layers away it becomes more and more apparent that planning and hanging tight to my eating habits emerges as the most important factor.
I now have a new goal for my birthday which is to just get back to where I was (it felt nice there) and then move on. No shame, I will either meet it or not but either way I will be better prepared for the next step. I do like mini goals. It's like being in love, I stop throughout the day and go "oh yeah! that will feel so good to see that number again" and I know I can:)
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