Thursday, July 17, 2008
Today was my last day of summer school, and now I have a month off!
I am very excited about having the time to regroup.
Top on my list of priorities is getting focused on my exercise and diet. I am thicker around the middle than I was last year at this time, and by the end of August, I want things to be different. I want to be in the shape I was in last year when school started. I CAN DO IT!
After work today , I am leaving for four days at the beach--I will sleep, ride my bike, walk, run, get a massage, and catch up on Spark People.
When I start back to school August 15, I will have only two semesters to go. In that time, I will hone my skills and develop my confidence. For now, I will focus on how far I have come personally, how much I have learned academically, and how to practice believing in myself.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
The hardest part of school is not necessarily the part that you learn from books. Sometimes it's what you learn about yourself.
When I was obese, I never told anyone my weight. I missed a lot of days of school by pretending to be sick so I could stay home and avoid the inevitable yearly weigh-ins in front of my skinny classmates. For decades, I refused to get on the scale in my doctor's office. What was I thinking? That people would not SEE how fat I was if I didn't tell them my weight?
When I was younger I also had the belief that if I did not own my insecurities or failings, other people would not see them, and I could maintain the image I tried to create. What was I thinking? That people would not see my anxieties or weaknesses if I did not spell them out?
I don't know if it's part of aging or what, but I've found it's not so bad to own my imperfections. In high school, I would have died to fail a big exam especially if others knew. This time I was quaking in my boots, but it was clear I would not die even though people witnessed my struggle.
Amazingly, the very thing that I expected to be ostracized for in the past has now brought me into the fold . I am pinching myself in disbelief at the number of people who have expressed their support and best wishes for me. How many kindnesses have I experienced from my teacher, my friends, my classmates, my clients, the many patients who endured my trembling attempts to learn a new skill...
Today is a red-letter day for me. I PASSED MY EXAM! But even more, I have come a long way in learning that there is a place for me in the world. There are lots of people who offer a hand of support and have faith that I will succeed. Grateful, I am beginning to believe it myself.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
"Dust off the pity party, throw away the party favors, and let's get shaking!" I saw this message posted on a friend's spark page, and it might as well have been written to me in flashing in neon lights.
I am kind of sick of making excuses for myself. I can come up with some pretty valid reasons for being anxious, irritable, underachieving, or just plain neurotic. But I'm not really enjoying myself or living my life to the fullest at this party.
I'm ready to move on. While we can't necessarily choose every circumstance, we can choose our attitude. So I'm shifting gears. I will walk more confidently; focus on my successes, not failures; believe the best of myself and other people. I will leave my past mistakes in the past and quit ruminating about "I shoulda, coulda, woulda..." I will look life straight in the eye and say, "Bring it on!"
Next on the agenda is getting rid of the party favors. Does that mean my ice cream too? Just do it, TM.
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