Monday, November 16, 2009
the weekend is over and the work week has begun. i always find it difficult to avoid the vending machine at work. one thing i did not get to share before my hiatus was my employment situation. the company i work for had a pretty significant budget cut, and thus some positions were eliminated. being in a union, the higher senior members whom were 'displaced' bumped their way down their ladder until eventually i was bumped out of my position and forced to take a different one. luckily for me i have been in this department before and i know the job requirements, but the level of stress and the hours make it a job that is much more difficult to deal with. i had found, quite often, that i was 'eating my feelings' when things got stressful. i eventually stopped carrying money with me so that i could not buy anything out of the vending machine. while i wish i had the self control to simply avoid the bbq chips, i dont and thus i had to take action a different way.
in this position i had found that the people in my office were always quite negative. they can be negative about everything for the most part. they make comments about how disgusting my vegan food looks, or they talk about how i don't need to eat any of that because i'm already thin enough - without ever considering the fact that maybe i'm trying to improve my overall health. while they eat their burgers and fries and smoke their cigarettes i bite my tongue, knowing that i will emerge the better (and healthier) person in the end. i always try to make sure i have some sort of healthy snack around, be it carrots, strawberries, kiwi, something crunchy, something sweet, something tangy so that no matter what craving i have i can satisfy it with something healthy.
in my blog post on saturday i wrote about the unhealthy relationship i had with my friend. my friend, also an SP member, and i have been 'on and off' friends for ten years or so. we have gotten in plenty of fights but we've been there for each other for plenty of tragic times as well. we lived together for a summer a few years ago and that was when i truly realized how unhealthy our relationship had become. out of all the secrets i ever confessed to her i never ever told her about the secrets i had regarding food and my eating habits. all of my friends had seen my weight fluctuate quite often and i'm pretty sure the idea of an eating disorder never crossed any of their minds. after she moved in was the first time i got 'scary skinny'. just like all girlfriends, there was a certain level of competition between us - whether we realized how serious it was or not. in one summer she and i had lost a combined total of 45 pounds from frames that honestly probably could've stood to lose only half that.
we eventually stopped being friends that summer and reconciled later in the year - both having gained back some of the weight we had lost during our stay together. ever since we have been somewhat open with our competition and it has even been the root of many of our fights. when i joined the gym so did she - when i took more classes at school so did she - when i bought a house she decided to rent one (better than mine) - when i got married she got engaged and asked for a better ring than mine - when i lost weight she had to lose more - etc. i was just as guilty and i have admitted that to my husband and to my OPT. one thing that upsets me and she doesn't even realize is that she has all of these 'self diagnosed' disorders and problems. i mean, maybe they are real, but at the same time i feel like they are just her attempt at competing with me for something again - although she still doesn't know about my actual diagnosed and treated problems. i realize that i am competitive with her and it seems to be what our friendship was based around. now i am feeling resentment toward her when i should be happy for her - she is getting married... she wants me to be her maid of honor. while my husband and i had a beautiful wedding, we had to pay for it on our own, we had to do it all by ourselves with little or no help from our bridal party or parents. her original plans involved a modest wedding that she and her fiance were paying for on their own, but has now blossomed into an elaborate wedding far surpassing my wedding that is being financed by her mom. some of my bitterness extends further back to previous fights and arguments we have had about her responsibility (or lack of) and her finances with respect to being 'bailed out' continuously by her parents.
she recently moved away and we haven't spoken much since she left. i thought her leaving would be an opportunity for me to become more of my own person and stop worrying about what she was doing and what our latest 'competition' was and trying to make sure i was ahead. then, she asked me to be her maid of honor. she is coming home for christmas and to be honest, i'm quite nervous... yes, nervous more so than excited. i don't know what she looks like... has she gained weight since she has been gone, has she lost weight, has she really started going to the gym rather than just talking about going... how will i look compared to her? i know this isn't a healthy obsession but i can't help it and i really don't know how to address it with her. i'm equally as worried about participating in the wedding and how i will look come next summer when her wedding is planned. i dont' want to be the 'fat' bridesmaid and i want to look better than her, but she is the bride.
i am trying to distance myself from the friendship and move on but she is making it difficult and i don't know how to tell her that i feel like it would be better (and possibly healthier) for us to just 'grow apart' - especially now that we both live in different states. has anyone else had this problem? is anyone else so competitive with their friend that it has developed into something worse? what can i do?
Saturday, November 14, 2009
it makes me sad to post this blog because it means ultimately i failed and i had to start over. shortly after my last post my weight got low enough that my family felt it was becoming dangerous. after truly stepping back and looking at myself i agreed with them and i took responsibility for my irresponsible actions. i had let myself get to an unhealthy weight using unhealthy means. up until just over a month ago i had been seeing an outpatient therapist on friday evenings who helped me work out some issues. i weighed in weekly and gained the weight back right away, which is the other side of my disorder. if i'm not starving myself then i'm overfeeding myself and i can't seem to find that balance in between. i know that neither lifestyle is healthy but i prefer the idea of being thin over being overweight.
as part of my outpatient therapy i agreed to stay off all social network sites that could potentially be a 'trigger' to revert back to old habits. i've now gotten the 'clearance' to start fresh on spark people. i am glad that i have found someone i could talk to about the issues, but at the same time i feel like they still haven't been able to help me find a balance in the middle of undereating and overeating. i want to be able to sit down at the table and eat a normal size meal - one that leaves me satisfied; not hungry nor swollen with food, but rather be able to stop eating when i have reached a reasonable level of fullness.
today, saturday november fourteenth is day one of this new goal. my goal isn't necessarily to lose weight, although i would like to shed some of the weight i have gained in the binge's post 'recovery'. my meetings, although not weekly any longer, will help me keep track of my weight, my vitals, and my habits and hopefully help me nip anything in the bud before it blossoms into something bad in either direction; undereating or overeating.
i have realized, though, that life isn't about weight, it is about happiness. i am finding it hard to put out of my head the idea that thin and happy are synonymous because i know that is a lie i have told myself all too often. i truly want to be happy and i want to be comfortable in my own skin - no matter what size it is. i am starting at a weight of 135 pounds - a nearly twenty five pound gain from august. this is going to be harder this time and the biggest challenge will be avoiding the 'techniques' i know will result in a faster weight loss - because i know now that they aren't healthy and they aren't substantial... the weight always comes back.
some things weighing in my mind about my weight; my friends wedding is coming up soon, as is a visit around christmas time. i'll write more about these later - there are so many factors that surround out unhealthy relationship as friends that it makes me nervous and scared to even participate in her wedding and see her when she comes home for christmas. i hope this blog finds everyone well and succeeding in their goals. i feel like i have abandoned some of the people i was talking to regularly on here, and i'm sorry for that. i'm hoping to be able to use the support network i have here, as well as my family and the outpatient program i have been a part of. i think this truly may be the 'network' i need... thanks for everyone's support. hope to talk to you soon!
Monday, August 10, 2009
wow. =] double digits and i'm still with it. how cool.
i'm somewhat disappointed in the fact that its been five days since i've posted a blog, but i've been really busy. i have been doing well with food choices - although i still find that the weekend has been the hardest to stay on track with. saturday i can usually carry my motivation from friday over and stay on track... but come sunday, i'm ready to binge. how do i stop that feeling? i tried doing other things, like going for a run and then watching a movie... etc. but it definitely didn't work. i ended up eating mashed potatoes with gravy, hasbrown casserole, and breaded okra for lunch. not to mention the grilled sourdough bread i added. UGH. i felt like a cow afterward - so i decided to do some yard work to try and burn off some of what i might have just gained.
at least the one thing i am proud of it that i have been sticking with the running. saturday was raining and i still went running! i just threw on a hoodie and grabbed sweatpants and went for a run. it was one of the hardest runs i had been on... the humidity was awful and made it really hard to breathe. i am getting my time down though! thats good! i'm down to an eleven minute mile! i thought that was pretty impressive for not having been in any kind of shape previously. i'm hoping to work up to being able to do two miles or more - but i have to start small i've realized.
i think one of my biggest problems is the desire for instant gratification. i want to be thin and i want to be thin NOW, not three months from now. same thing with working out. when i work out i want to see results immediately after i work out - - - not six months after working out. maybe thats why i haven't stuck with anything in the past? i can say though, just before i got married i was in amazing shape. i was going to the gym five days a week for two hours a day - - lifting, running, sculpting... omg, i looked great - i'll admit it. i had abs, and definition in my legs, arms, even my butt! but a few weeks after the wedding it all went soft relatively quickly, and i got discouraged, and then i gained about 30 lbs. ugh. thats been the story of my life - - - up and down ---- up and down ---- up and down.
i have a question. i thought that by running i would add to my weight loss. i thought it would help me lose weight and keep it off easier - but it seems like i've plateau'd and that i'm actually gaining. its not possible for me to gain muscle already would it be? my husband says i need to stop worrying about a slight increase, but i've been running every day, i thought the weight would start to fall off - - but its actually gone up a pound (and this was pre-sunday binge). any ideas what could cause me to gain instead of lose?! i mean, heck, my dog has even lost weight running with me every day - why can't i?!
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
how great. i'm on day eight!! im starting to feel proud of myself for sticking to something - - even if it has only been for eight days.
yesterday i made many healthy choices! im so glad. after overcoming my donut and carb cravings yesterday i went to the grocery store to hit up the salad bar. haha, yes, i went to the grocery store to make a salad for lunch... odd, i know. =] i made a small, but filling salad, and wanted some soup, but they didn't have any vegetarian soups... so instead i got a pea salad. probably not the healthiest side dish, but it was yummy! =] i had that for lunch with a smartwater - and drank the whole bottle. one of my many goals is to start drinking more water, i'm working on it, but i don't really like water at all... if i add lemon to it i can tolerate it, but it was a huge step in the right direction for me to finish a bottle of water!
after work i got home and took my dog for a run. thats right... run, not walk. again, i feel so proud of myself for that. rather than coming home and crashing on the couch like i have felt like doing so many days in a row.... i just told myself that i needed to do it for both of us... my dog loves the exercise and i could use the exercise. we ran 1.5 miles almost non stop - i actually lasted longer than he did! lol, but he's only six months old, so i guess i can't push him tooooo hard. =] after we got home from our run we went to his puppy class where we had to run around and work on agility stuff... i got plenty of exercise and i feel great.
for dinner i ate my whole six inch sub. i got a veggie sub with vinegar and a splash of olive oil, on wheat bread (no cheese). subway is one of the places i consider a 'safe place'. i know what i can get there, and i know exactly what the carbs, calories, and fat grams equal in almost everything i'd order. i guess that is part of my eating disorder, but at the same time part of the healthy decisions i have to make on the way to recovery. im really working on the whole 'planned meals' thing this week. when i dont know what something contains (i.e. calories, fat, carbs, etc.) i tend to get all anxious and freaked out and then i will either restrict or binge - so, as crowald has suggested i'm going to start tracking and planning my meals so i dont have to worry about wondering what is in something, i'll already know what is for breakfast lunch snack and dinner and i will be able to stay on track.
one thing i should mention though, is that this morning i woke up on time almost. thats a first in a LONG time. i was at work by 7:25, only an hour late. i know what you are thinking... wow i was still an hour late to work... but lately i haven't even felt like going to work - - and it has definitely been taking its toll on my 'sick bank' at work... so the fact that this morning i was able to get right up, get ready and make it to work MUCH earlier than usual is another huge step for me. i wonder if its from the exercise, or if its from the healthier food choices i made yesterday... i didn't eat anything that would be high in fats and/or sugars, so i didn't have anything dragging me down, and i exercised a lot yesterday which they say burns off stress and is supposed to help relieve anxiety.
anyway, im proud of the small steps ive made in the right direction. im hoping to keep this streak alive, even if it is only day two... i suppose everyone has to start at day one, right? tonight, another run with the puppy, another set of healthy meals and hopefully a restful night that yields an 'on time' appearance at work.
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