Wednesday, November 04, 2009
I'm going to admit that I am now stuck in the low 170's. I have been thinking about all of the variables in my life that are making it so challenging to work past this point. I have written a few blogs here about some of those things.
I read a friend's blog this week that made me realize my problem and really made me think about where I am right now. She was talking about how anxious she was embarking onto the next stage to a body shape and weight and strength level that she has never experienced before. She had lost so much weight already with her nose to the grindstone and she has just gotten to the point where she looked up and realized she was somewhere in her weight loss journey that didn't look familiar anymore.
I don't have nearly that distance to go, but I think that I have reached that point in my journey. Up until now I was looking forward and remembering a time in my not-too-distance past where I was at that weight. Granted I wasn't this muscular then and I wasn't really in tune with my body, but I was starting to take more notice. Looking to the future, the potential me that is out there is like going to live in a new place where you have never been and trying to live there. There might be friendly people to help you get acclimated, but essentially you are alone trying to sort everything out.
It was making me think about when I was a foreign exchange student to Germany for a year. I didn't really know the language, and I was on an adventure. The first few months were rough. I was trying to push my old self into the culture. By the end of the year, I was a new person. I had done things that I didn't realize were possible. I had pushed against my limitations as well.
So, I feel like the journey from 200 to 175-170 was one stage. A stage that was familiar. I'm admitting that I'm afraid of what lies ahead. I try to think "well, I got this far, that part over there must be familiar too..."
Everyone has known this me for years and years. I might have gotten a little fatter, but this right now is the comfortable me does not challenge anyone to change to understand me. I was thinking last week that I might just stay here. My lipids are fine. Most people have told me all along that they can't believe that I'm obese. My roommate thinks that I'm too hard on myself. She has only known this me. I believe now that I was thinking this way because of my fear of the unknown, the fear of who I will become when I reach my goal of not being overweight.
I have some really cool role models in my life, strong fun women who are normal weight and not obsessed about it. They maintain it by doing stuff that they love, trying new things to grow their strength and agility.
So, I know that down this new place I will need my water bottle, swimming kit and running shoes. These objects can be my security blanket for the time ahead.
Has anyone else hit this point? I wonder if there is a group for those embarking on the Star-Trekkie stage of their development. Maybe most people realize this fear in the beginning, rather than anywhere in the middle.