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Could it Be? I Can't Hope More Than I Am.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Last Friday night as I lay in bed trying to shut off my extremely anxious brain, something HUGE occurred to me. Something that could potentially change my life.

I started thinking about the timeline of my anxiety. I walked through everything in my mind: I injured myself in May, had my son's birthday in the middle of June, the suspected gallbladder issues at the end of June and the my sister's wedding in July. I started thinking about what all changed during that time--- I stopped exercising due to the injury, started taking nexium for my stomach and somewhere in there I started having major anxiety. It is tough to pinpoint where it really began because the birthday and the wedding were big stressors that had their own anxiety attached to them-- which is why I had previously thought it had to due with my running injury somehow.

I should say at this point that I AM the 1% of people get weird side effects. Zoloft makes me throw up, certain birth control pills give me feminine infections, singulair gives me tension headaches, real pseudophedrine makes me dizzy and "drunk", I had my wisdom teeth removed through a study-- and got the placebo pain med... the list goes on. It should have occurred to me that the nexium might have side effects before this---- but it didn't.

ANYWAY, I did a quick google search of "nexium anxiety" and lo-and-behold.... guess what is a "rare side effect" that is well documented online? Anxiety. Based on how much documentation, I would call it a moderately-common side effect, personally.

So, as of last Saturday night I have been off the nexium and back on my prevacid. Hopefully the prevacid will cover my needs.

So far, I can tell you that I have had a DRAMATIC reduction in anxiety. I will reserve final judgement until the New Year as I do have some lingering anxiety that may or may not be linked to lingering nexium in my system or perhaps hormones.

You guys have no idea what a breakthrough this might be for my life. I was hardly able to leave the house due to the anxiety I was experiencing. I couldn't deal with normal issues or make decisions. I was a mess. I URGE you all-- if you start experiencing anything weird, please evaluate your meds! Most people don't get those rare side effects.... but you never know.

So, please, please, please keep your fingers crossed that this is the answer. I need this to be the answer. My life has GOT to resume!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STARL_73 1/4/2012 11:43AM

    Wow! Glad you figured that out. For years, I fought depression. Even after I quit my job and it lessened quite a bit, I had my moments.. more time there than happy - i had given up on ever being happy.. began to believe that maybe people just aren't supposed to be. Then, I decided to take the plunge and switch my bcp from name brand to a generic (cheaper). And suddenly, I was flying high!
I had been on the same bcp for years. The depression hadn't started until i was on it for around 10. I always figured it was just the job situation (once I realized I was depressed which wasn't until AFTER i quit).
Anyway...I wonder if it's possible that it had built in my system or my body had changed so that it was NOW affecting me, instead of before. My thought is - don't just look at new meds - consider ones you've been on a long time.

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SBEAR5 12/30/2011 1:31PM

    Well, I'm so glad you had the wisdom to make that link! I hope it was the Nexium and you have a great New Years! I miss ya chica!

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ELEXEY 12/23/2011 3:45AM

    Praying that this solves the issue. I know this has been a rough spot and you so desperately need a ray of sunshine. Love and hugs to you through the holidays.

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LIVESTRONG2010 12/22/2011 11:26PM

    My life has GOT to resume! I so hear you on this! I sure hope you get this all figured out.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

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POSITIVE_ONE 12/22/2011 1:48PM

    Lillie...this is good news if it turns out to be that the meds were causing your issue. I am so happy to read this. We all want you to return to the wonderful Lillie we know and love.

Have a great holiday season and I will be keeping you in my prayers.

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MJ-SHE-BEAST 12/22/2011 11:23AM

    You are...weird. It stands to reason that the way you react to meds would be...weird. emoticon

I've been so worried about you. I'm praying hard that this is the answer, but based on what you have been experiencing the last few days I'm going to go ahead and claim it for you. I need my Lillie back! (Sorry, selfish interjection there!)

Have a beautiful holiday season and keep us informed. We love you!

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BACKATITAMY 12/22/2011 10:43AM

  Sending you good vibes with fingers and toes crossed, lol maybe even my eyes, HAHAHAHA!!!! Have a great holiday Lillie.

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Updates-- read warning first

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Warning: this vlog discusses the loss of pets-- I know some people are really sensitive to that so I wanted to make it clear before you watch it.

Otherwise--- I appreciate you. I know I am not here for you right now, but I hope that what I have given of myself in the past has stuck with you all and you know that even if I am not here... I care.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRUE-NESS 12/16/2011 6:27AM

    emoticon Thanks for checking in and letting us know that you're okay. I hope that you will find yourself more peaceful and grounded in the coming days, weeks... Have a wonderful Christmas if you don't check back in before then, and a Happy New Year!

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BACKATITAMY 12/15/2011 3:17PM

  Sorry again for your loss Lilly. Take care of you and we'll still be here next year to try this all again. I hope that you and your family have a happy holiday season and a great new year.

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MJ-SHE-BEAST 12/15/2011 12:19PM

    Glad you filled the team in on what is going on. Love you so much!

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TXLADY110 12/15/2011 8:12AM


May you weather this trouble with a calm heart.

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Going through a lot

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

Thank you to everyone for checking in on me or your kind words.

As you know, ive had a horrific experience with getting my 17-18 year old cat diagnosed--- she has cancer. It took 3 surgeries and nearly $1500 for them to figure it out.

This morning i got a bad feeling and started looking for ny other cat, my baby. She is 16.5 years old. I finally found her and she can hardly walk and refused to eat, drink or touch catnip even. She has living with a herniated disc for about 13 years i guess she injured it again. At her age, Im not sure i will have any other choices beyond letting her go. I will find out tomorrow at the vet.

So my friend, there is a great possibility i am about to lose both my cats within mere days of one another. Im crushed.

December has been really rough for me. And i don't see it suddenly perking up any time soon.

Add to that my anxiety, the ongoing house stuff which getting close to being done, the dog having an accessed anal sac, me screwing up my sacrum and having a very limited threshold to help do house stuff and the fact that i am beyond behind on Christmas shopping and i can honestly say Im a mess. I need break from all this bad on top of bad.

Im hanging in there but i just can't make time for spark. The stress is too high to add calorie counting and thinking about my weight. I hope you all understand. please think of me in the coming month--- send me strengthening thoughts. When you add everything in my life to my anxiety, it is really over the top so i need all the help i can get. Ill be ok... My family is watching me like hawks to make sure i don't get too bad... So don't worry about me.

One thing ill say is that no one deserves this much back to back crazy.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BET212 12/12/2011 10:05PM

    I'm so sorry to hear about your kitties and all that you are going through. I'll keep you in my prayers. emoticon

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BACKATITAMY 12/7/2011 1:38PM

  My thoughts and prayers are definitely with you and your family. Hang in there and I hope the new year brings you renewed happiness.

emoticon emoticon

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FALLINTOFLIGHT 12/7/2011 10:32AM

Sending you healing thoughts sparkly.
[[[more hugs]]]

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POSITIVE_ONE 12/7/2011 8:59AM

    Lillie - first and foremost is that you take care of yourself and the things close to you as best as you can. We all understand that and I would expect anyone else to do the same thing.

Just hang in there. If there is anything you need, your SparkFamily is here for you - to support you. I am so happy you have your family at home looking out for you. We will be praying that things turn out as good as they can given the circumstances.

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SLUCIO1 12/7/2011 6:40AM

    I am so sorry to hear that your other cat NY is not doing so well. This is terrible the stress that is going on in your life my heart goes out to you...just remember your a strong person and you will get through this hectic time. Will be praying for you.

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It's A Lot

Friday, November 18, 2011

I think I speak for everyone when I say that it is a lot. Life is a lot. We all carry several roles that we have to fulfill in our lives and when we step back and look at them, it is a lot to shoulder. Personally, I feel my roles have kept me really busy recently: housekeeper, painter, mother, wife, cook, nurse, health-enthusiast, daughter, friend..... it really is a lot. Being a cook and housekeeper at the same time as a painter is ROUGH. Being a good wife and mother when your house is a disaster is also a problem. So on and so forth.

That all said, I am also grateful for those roles. I am grateful that I am getting the opportunity to be in those roles-- to work at them and attempt to achieve adequacy in each role at the minimum.

You are probably wondering why I say "adequacy?" You know me well enough to know that I try to go all-in with everything I do.... so why would I accept "adequate" as good enough in such important roles? Well, it is complicated. In the first place, I am obviously my own worst critic. For every moment of my life I say, "Damn, that wasn't good enough" or "I'm not good enough" there are a slew of people right there disagreeing-- telling me that what I have done is exceptional. I try to factor that in-- realistically. When I think something is "adequate" from me, the whole world seems to argue that it is better than adequate. Another reason is that when presented with that many roles, if you aim for perfect in all of them, several of them tend to fail completely. This is a concept I completely understand yet struggle with. So, I am reaching for adequate in all areas of my life-- with the hope that I am right about my adequate being better than I tend to think.

Now, a moment of update for you all who are following my house-updating-saga.

I am a list-maker. I always have been and always will be. My friends and family make fun of me because 99% of the time I have at least one spiral notebook on me and usually you will flip through 40 pages of lists before you find my most recent one. I have 6 or 7 notebooks I rotate between and they have lists that range from Christmas gift ideas to grocery shopping to price comparisons to packing for a trip to To-Do by day or month or project. You can see why people would make fun of me, haha.

There is a reason I told you all of that! I have found over the last 12 years or so that list-making keeps me on track and confident in what needs to be done and my ability to do it. I break my projects down into bits and give myself deadlines so that I can focus on things and not get too overwhelmed. My house project is broken down into bits at this point. Not tiny bits, but by room now that the ceilings are textured. My goal is to have everything done by Friday the 16th of December (a family gathering taking place here at my house)... which gives me just enough weekends to cover each room.

Sunday 20th of Nov: Front room and entry deadline
--This room is pretty straight forward. At the moment all that is left is to paint the coat closet door, tape the wall off and prime and paint the ceiling, install the new light fixture and re-install the old one, switch out all the switches and outlets for new ones. I have worked hard at this all week and have made some spectacular progress that I am proud of. After everything is done, the furniture from that room can be arranged and the room can be fully cleaned and the walls can be decorated!

Sunday 27th of Nov: Hallway deadline
--I chose the hallways for Thanksgiving weekend because in theory they are a bit smaller and the trim is at least halfway done in both areas. UNFORTUNATELY, I didn't think about the doors when I decided this. What is left in those rooms: 4 doors to paint twice and 2 doors to prime and paint twice, paint the walls, prime and paint the ceilings, two coats of trim paint in the small hall and 1 coat in the long hall, re-install the light fixtures and switch out the switches and plates. One thing to consider is that I also have to tape off the painted areas when I use another color to keep clean lines-- it is a LOT of taping which I am not very good at. The good news is that painting doors and trim and even walls doesn't require Adonis's help, so I am free to work on that while he is at work. He is insistent on doing the ceilings, and I am happy to let him-- that and the electrical stuff.

Sunday 4th of Dec: Living room deadline
--This is the one that has me nervous. There is a ton of trim and a ton of wall to paint in this room (again with the tons of taping)... and don't forget painting the vaulted ceiling and the beams on it. Paint trim (I already primed everything, thankfully), paint walls, paint ceiling, install some new baseboard on one wall, put casing on backdoor (FINALLY), paint the backdoor (I had forgotten about this until now). The list seems pretty innocuous, but in reality, it is a large space with a ton of trim--- ceiling, floor, window casing, door casing... etc etc etc.

Sunday 11th of December: Kitchen deadline
--I am not particularly worried about this room... but I probably should be. It is always the "easy" one that ends up making you most angry, right? This room has a lot of taping to be done, but the good news is that it has basically no trim to paint! Painting trim is a huuuuge time sucker. So, in this room I have to prime the ceiling, paint the ceiling, move the appliances, tape and then paint the walls, install the light fixture, do the raised stencil technique I want to do... and change out the switches and plates.

That leaves me several days to clean up all of the mess and be done with it all before my overall deadline. Somewhere in that timeline will be Thanksgiving dinner and setting up the Christmas tree. I planned the front room first because I want to get my tree set up shortly after Thanksgiving and that is the room it goes in... so this is all well thought out.

Now, all that said and done should make me feel much better-- having a plan usually does. HOWEVER-- I am stressed because I am finding that my mid to lower back has been REALLY unhappy with every activity I do. If it wasn't bothering me, I would be happy to go sit on the floor and paint baseboards.... but for the first time in my life, I seem to be suffering from that simple action. I have never really had back issues so this is new for me. I hate that I keep putting off doing one activity or another just because my back is bothering me-- but I am also trying to listen to my body because I know all about pushing it past its limits and how THAT turns out.

So, that is the long of it. I have lots to do and a plan for how to get it all done-- now if only my back will agree.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STARL_73 11/22/2011 5:10PM

    I keep my lists on my pda. And I do keep lists..getting ready for a trip? I have a checklist for everything to pack, prep, etc. It keeps everything organized and less chance of forgetting something. You don't see me rushing back to the house because I forgot to put food out for the cats! it was on the list!!

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CHINCHIN 11/19/2011 8:24PM

    You're right; it is a lot!! I got tired just reading thoughts are with you and with your back. It is definitely not a fun place to experience pain.


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ELEXEY 11/19/2011 4:10PM

    I'm sorry you're having problems with your back right now, I really hope this issue clears up for you, our backs dictate SO much of what we do. I love being a "list-er" and people laugh at me too, so at least I'm in great company. You've been working so hard lately on the house, I really wish I could be there to help and see it in person, pictures are awesome, but nothing like seeing it in person. You know I think you're amazing and you totally rock my socks, I've always said that I wish you could see yourself through my (and many many others) eyes, then maybe, just maybe, you would see your "adequate" is our amazing.

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ANNESYLVIA 11/19/2011 6:42AM

    emoticonA toast to being adequate! Especially if it helps you to do your best!
I make lists too just not as much as I use too. They do get me to stay track and focus...I just been unable to focus on the lists and keep track of the lists.LOL
Good Luck with your deadlines and gather in December.

Comment edited on: 11/19/2011 6:43:45 AM

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TXLADY110 11/18/2011 9:18PM

Woohoo shopping for wall plates at Lowes, Buy them all at once so you have them when you pull the tape of the switches and plugs to screw in... tada... wonderful sense of accomplishment.

Taping is a chore......
I taped all of it and just let the tape be there..
Be careful with moving your kitchen appliances.... Make sure you have some grease remover for behind the stove walls, so you do not have to stop run out and get it.

You can kick it.. Thanks for dropping in..
It helps to stay off ladders when you have "painters back" ... for lack of a better description.

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TRUE-NESS 11/18/2011 7:33PM

    You have been working super hard and diligently. Kudos to you for setting goals and deadlines and meeting them. That's definitely better than sitting and watching the stuff NOT getting done and complaining about it. You're a DOer not a TALKer! Continue on... :-)

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Sooo, What Did We Get Done This Weekend?

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Ok, as you all know, we have this ongoing house-remodel project going on around here. This weekend we had the texture gun and compressor and so... it was time to finally spray the ceilings! We knew it was going to be TONS of work, but it is just necessary. So, away we went starting on Friday morning.

Textured the laundry room, formal dining room, entryway and long hallway--- this requires hanging plastic over every single inch of each room other than the ceilings, and a major bit of cleaning afterward. Primed all the ceiling beams.

Textured the kitchen, breakfast nook (vaulted ceiling), living room (vaulted ceiling), kitchen, small hallway, newly sheet-rocked wall in living room. Primed the laundry room and the long hallway. Primed a bunch of trim and doors. Did a MAJOR AMOUNT of cleanup. SPECIAL THANK YOU GOES TO: Justin (Spursfan), Jenne (Buggie1117), and a bunch of my friends who are not on here. I really appreciated everyone's help.

Primed the breakfast nook and the living room and re-primed the beams. Primed and painted a BUNCH of trim and doors. We had more people today that any other day so we really made a lot of painting trim headway. I diligently worked on priming doors ALL-DAY and have only managed to get 4 doors fully primed and 3 doors fully primed and painted. Doors suck because they have two sides and I have to sand each surface, then prime each surface twice and THEN paint each surface twice.

Now for the "Lillie being super positive" part of this blog:

I have SO MUCH MORE to do, but seriously, the help people gave me this weekend makes such a difference. Having 2 people working on baseboards and door trims all day today means that I have literally about 16 less hours of work on those to do-- because seriously, there is SO MUCH trim in this house and it all requires sanding, priming twice and painting twice. With the ceilings almost completed, it means I can put a lot of the furniture in this house back where it goes--- and life can resume to normal more! That is always nice. Being able to wake up in the morning, put on painting clothes and get something done is going to be great. Up to now, I didn't really have that ability because I was waiting on the texturing. It is pretty awesome, you guys. If I really stop and think about it, I would honestly say that the people who helped this weekend probably saved us somewhere around 60 hours or more of work-- I can't even tell you how awesome that is for us.

Sooo... all of this good house news plus the fact that I seem to be down five whole pounds again this week. I got back on track with food and getting exercise and the weight seems to have dropped back down a bunch-- which is great news!

Anyway-- back to the work left to do today! It might be dark outside, but we have lamps in the house we can move around to get work done-- so I will check in again before bed!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHATTIEGIRL 11/16/2011 10:15PM

    Hi Lilly;

You definitely are MIGHTYLILLIE so much work to do and so lucky to have your friends help you. Your home is going to be beautiful and after it is done you have have a big thank you party for all your help. God bless you always. Stay with your healthy life style. Learn something new every day.

Smile Joyce

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CHERYLMIRABAL 11/16/2011 10:52AM

  Wow!!!! I remember when I had that kind of time and energy! Looking forward to having some of it back very shortly. Good friends are amazing, aren't they? Keep up the good work and you will be done before you know it. The best part is that you will be able to look back and say.."I did that!". It is an amazing and empowering thing. Congrats on the 5 pounds as well!!!

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ELEXEY 11/15/2011 11:50AM

    Oh my goodness you got a bunch done this weekend! I'm super glad that you've lost some weight this week, and it's great to hear a smile in your blog.

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POSITIVE_ONE 11/14/2011 11:53AM

    The amount you accomplished is amazing. I an only imagine the transformation your home has gone through. I can't wait to see pictures - some kind of tour vlog so we can all see your handy work.

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MJ-SHE-BEAST 11/14/2011 11:32AM

    I'm in awe of all you have accomplished. I have very little to show for my efforts over the past 6 months, but I will get it done little by little by little. I so wish I was able to help out, but I promise to stop by soon and peek in at all you have accomplished!

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BACKATITAMY 11/13/2011 9:40PM

  Whew i'm tired just reading this, lol. So glad that you had so much help this weekend and got alot done. Good luck with the rest and I hope that you all get some much needed rest soon :)

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TXLADY110 11/13/2011 9:38PM

    emoticon emoticon
Congratulations on finish all those rooms!!

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