Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Maybe it's the Blood Moon (I hear it's supposed to be energizing), but I am feeling so antsy! I'm very motivated for change. I'm tired of having negative thoughts about my body. I'm slowly changing my mindset to "Isn't it cool how my body is getting stronger?" and "The better quality food I put in my body, the better I feel."
After a long, tough winter with almost no energy, suddenly I'm excited about my workouts. I'm thinking of joining a Saturday morning running group next month.
I'm tired of looking to the scale even once a week and being frustrated. For now, I think I should stick to once a month--while sticking to healthful eating and regular workouts, both which make me feel GOOD.
I think I'm ready for a new work challenge. Last December I completed my master's degree; I'm ready to put it to use and not feel like I'm churning out work just to get things checked off someone's list. I want to feel appreciated and connected and part of a team--even if I don't always *like* the team members. ;)
More than anything else, I'm tired of holding myself back with "Oh, I could never do/get/be that, I'm too heavy."
I'm feeling really motivated and energetic! But I am also frustrated because I don't know where to start. Yes, I plan on checking out not one but two Saturday-morning running groups. I'm continuing to switch up my strength-training workouts, and I hope to increase the weights by next month (woo!). I continue to make new recipes with whole foods. I'll continue to look for a job that challenges me and an employer that values me as an employee.
...but there's still this little bit of frustration nagging me. Maybe because it's not all happening RIGHT NOW? Maybe because I know I definitely have some hurdles?
How do you kick that frustration to the side, so you can harness the motivation you feel? How do you keep your motivation and momentum going?
Sunday, April 06, 2014
The organization where I work has been undergoing a massive reorg. It's also been an ongoing thing--close to 18 months now and still not even halfway through. To say it's been stressful is a bit of an understatement. :)
My department was gutted. We were told we were going in flashier direction. Think ad agency. New people were brought on. I'm finding out now that many are pretty sneaky. In fact, I work with at least two mean girls. One is the queen, the other is her sidekick.
They are both rail thin (think J. Crew models), perfectly coiffed hair, the latest accessories, they only shop at Anthropologie and other high-end trendy stores. None of this matters a whit to me; it's not my thing and that's ok. What's not ok? That they are mean and putting my job in jeopardy.
Last week it became crystal clear. Long story short, I was left out of a meeting where a project was presented to our director. I walking into my director's office for another meeting and saw the two mean girls were there. Strange, but okay... Then I saw the shocked look on the leader's face...and I realized they were presenting the project we were all a part of. It was the completed project, which I had NOT seen. They had concepted and executed the entire thing--cutting me out--and were showing the director.
I called them out on it via email afterward (and bcc'ed their bosses). I got some crazy excuses like, "Thank you for your honesty." ("Thank you for your honesty"?! I still don't understand that--I wasn't a five year old who fessed up to sneaking a cookie, for crying out loud!)
I should add, the day before? I got not one but two emails from the queen mean girl saying how nice I was to work with. Talk about shady! Smiling to my face but holding a knife behind her back ready to stab me in mine. Just awful.
This isn't over. I've documented at least four other times this has happened (me being cut out of project communication) and I will be sending that to my boss tomorrow, so at least I will have it formally documented. I feel good about that. What I don't feel good about? (Well, other than feeling like my job is threatened.) Being the "uncool girl." It brings me back to high school, which was miserable. I was on a bus back from a musical rehearsal. One mean girl stood up talking to her friends, saying how she "really didn't like that girl Sue." (FYI, I haaaaate being called Sue, so that alone was rude enough.) I saw her twin sister shoot her a look and try and mime putting a finger over her mouth but it was too late. The mean girl saw me and just shrunk down like a salted slug.
I never got an apology (naturally) and I didn't care for this woman at all, but it still hurt. What was it about me? What is it about me now? Is it because my hair is curly (and thus has a mind of it's own and loves frizz)? It is because I'm not, nor will I ever be, a size 00, 0 or 2? It is because I prefer shopping at thrift stores instead of high-end boutiques? Maybe I need to start watching The Bachelor--then I'm SURE I'd fit in. ;p
But I wouldn't be me. And I wouldn't like myself. Sure, there are things about myself I'd like to change. I want to be stronger, I want to change my body-fat ratio, I want to be super flexible and touch my nose to my knees. I'm working toward all these things--they are good goals. What I don't want to do is change myself to fit some mean girl's idea of "cool."
As I said earlier, I'm going to be emailing my boss with examples and dates because I need to protect myself and my job. That's easy enough. What's a bit harder is a) not stressing about "what will she pull next?" and b) not letting it bother me. I can't help but feel like that 15 year-old girl again, hearing about how the mean "cool" girl thought she was so uncool and wondering what was wrong with me. It's hard to not let this take root in my psyche.
...but I have to remember something that happened as I was typing this. I saw an article in the paper about a woman who has a rare genetic disorder. She will likely die pretty young. She said learning about this disorder fueled her passion for art. The article didn't make feel feel 100% better, but it did help me see what's important. I like myself how I am. I will never be a size 00, straight-haired, Anthropologie-shopping, Bachelor-watching, valley-girl sounding person. And that's ok, because I do like myself as I am. And better yet? I'm not mean and vicious like certain women I know. :p
Sunday, March 30, 2014
I did it! I exercised consistently this entire month. I was so excited to earn 500 fitness minutes! That's a big deal for me. I think I've done a good job of making exercise a habit this month, so going forward, I'm setting the bar higher.
Here are my April goals:
Strength train at least 3x/week
Get in at least 750 fitness minutes
Focus on clean eating (e.g., lay off inflammatory foods)
That last one is really important to me, because when I cut out common inflammatory foods (dairy, coffee, corn, gluten), I felt SO good. My dermatitis went away. I had energy! Lately I've been having them and I fee AWFUL. I'm ready to make a change that will stick, just like I've done with exercise. :)
Oh, I'm also going to take measurements this month and compare again at the end of the month. I'm very curious about this...
Here's to another good month!
Saturday, March 22, 2014
I did it; I ran the longest race I've ever done--a 7K. And I enjoyed it!
It came about in an odd way. A while back I emailed my sister to see if she'd be interested in running this particular 7K. I didn't hear from her, so I assumed she wasn't. Two days ago I get an email: "I'm off that day. Do you want to run that race?" And thus, we signed up.
Essentially, I ran this race without having run for probably three months. But I only walked twice for no more than a minute each time. (I think I pushed up the hills a wee bit too hard, because I started getting nauseous. I'll know better for next time!) I credit this to my almost-daily movement in the month of March. I think even doing 15 minutes a day has helped build endurance and cardio health, enabling me to run 4.35 miles without any true "running training." It really showed me that small steps really do add up!
It was also good because yesterday was one of those awful, no good, horrible days. I thought about calling my sister this morning and begging off, but I'm so glad I didn't. Getting out in the fresh air, being around other people who were achieving their own fitness and/or personal goals, and just seeing people smile and cheer on the runners was really motivating and helped me shake off yesterday's ick.
I'm glad I did it. :)
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
I haven't been able to fit into these in forever! It's nice to know that even though the scale is not moving how I'd like, my body is changing. They say the scale doesn't lie...well, neither do my pants! :)
And don't you like the goofy look on my face? All I could think of was that "selfie" song! lol
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