Thursday, February 28, 2013
On July 21, 2011, I stepped on the scale and saw the magical numbers 1-6-0. Since than, I have worked to maintain the scale at 160. Like many other people, I thought losing weight was the hard part and maintenance was a cake walk.
I am sure you have seen this poster before...
It is so true.
Being overweight and unhappy with yourself is hard. For me, I found when I was at my highest weight, my self esteem was the lowest. With low self esteem you doubt every move you make and never trust your own intuition.
Losing weight is hard. You have to keep pushing even if you are putting in 100%. And, if you stumble a little back, you have to get back on the horse and keep trying even if your friends and family are pushing you toward your old habits.
Maintaining is hard. You have to want your lifestyle even if there are no rewards. The rewards in my weight loss journey were getting compliments about my progress. That felt good. Now it's old news that I have lost 100 pounds. And, sometimes it like people have forgotten who I was in the beginning. I am still that person. I still love cupcakes and cookies. In this stage, I am finding it hard to continue to say no to all the things I have denied myself during the three years of losing weight loss.
I haven't weighed myself in almost a week. Last time, I was 172.2. I really do not think I want to see a number higher than that. I really need to turn this around and I want to do it before my anniversary date... July 21st. Ironically, I have 21 weeks to do it. It'd be awesome if I could be close to 150. Honestly, I am not sure if that is possible for me as I am too scared. Actually, scratch that goal. Let's go with a different goal. A less overwhelming goal.
By July 21st, I want to get back to who I was before my internship.
I want to eat clean. I want to eat almost no junk food.
I want to work out everyday with an "off" day before rare. Not the other way around.
I want to be training for a half marathon.
I want to be proud of myself and my goals that I am working toward.
If you are losing weight, remember everyone stumbles. Even the ones in their maintenance stage. If you are in the maintenance stage, keep up the great work!
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Today, I was giving plasma when I started up a conversation with the staff, who was an LPN. I have been thinking about going back to school for a long time. We discussed the differences between an CNA, LPN, and RN. They sure sound like viable careers for me and something I would like. She said it can be challenge. My response was: "I need a challenge." Than, I thought about it. That is what I need in life right now.. a challenge.
This week I have gotten really down.. the most down I have been for a very long time... because it has felt suddenly my life has no direction but dead end jobs. I didn't go to college for dead end jobs. When I graduated college, I was excited for my future. I *thought* I was going to get a full time job in my field than had the realization there are near no jobs in my field that I qualify for. I kept asking myself, "Now what?".
The idea of nursing kept arising. I could start in an assisted living place, and get my CNA. From there, go to LPN and RN, if and when I wanted to. Than, when I was ready, I could settle into the health education as an RN. Essentially, I felt I was looking at a lifetime career that I would hopefully like. I don't know if I will like it but only one way to find out... to get the education and go for it.
I would have to figure out how to juggle my jobs, nursing classes, and my significant other... but.. you know what? I think I am ready for the challenge!
So, Monday, rather Tuesday (which I have off), I have a couple things on my To Do List. Call on all the jobs and applied to.. and call admissions and get information about potential nursing programs (and their waiting lists)!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Ever woke up one day and realized you didn't know who you were anymore?
I feel like that person. One moment, I was the girl that lost 100 pounds, trained for half marathons, loved eating healthy, and in the best shape I have been in ever. People said, "She's going places."
Since graduation, I feel I haven't gone anywhere, done anything. I still am the same part time job and do not qualify for any jobs out there. I would like to go back to college for an RN but I cannot afford it. All my accomplishments (weight loss, races) are things I have done in the last five years. Nothing in the six months, recent. My last race was in July. I thought about training for a full marathon. But the voice inside me says, "You can't. Look at your last attempt. You failed. You fail all the time." I know I need to do it because I need to believe in ME again. I just don't feel like I do anymore.
I know I am still the girl with the phoenix tattoo but feel I'm fading.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Do you know that moment when you thought you were fine than BAM! you realize you are far, far from fine? I had one of those yesterday.
On Saturday, it felt like a miracle that I finally stopped crying from my Grandma's passing. After the wake and funeral, it felt like it just would not stop. I even told work on Friday it would be best if I did not come in because I don't think it would be a good representative of the company for new prospects.
When Saturday came along, I was exhausted but was able to go to work. On the way home, I stopped at the grocery store for some fruit. On a whim, I got cheese puffs. By the time, I got home the bag was nearly empty! Mind you, that was just across town.
I think it's safe to say I am mad at myself. I know better. I guess I thought it was safe. Far from it! I think I just bottled my emotions up and when I do that I emotional eat. Moral of the story is it is better to deal with emotions than try to be strong and bottle them up inside.
My grandma was so proud of me for losing the 100 pounds and for keeping it off. For some reason, it seemed she wanted us grandchildren to lose weight and be skinny. Now that I am older (and wiser), I think it was because life seems to be easier for the skinny. Mind you, it really isn't.. just seems that way. Anyhow, she wanted the best for us girls.
Not only was she proud of me for losing weight, she was really proud of my running. At the funeral, my grandpa's daughter (someone I met that day because the two sides of the family never mingled) could identify me as the granddaughter who lost weight or runs half marathons. Mind you, I just met this woman so it showed me how proud my Grandma was of me.
My Grandma came to one of my half marathons. A gift I was given. She was going to come to my race when I was planning do the full marathon but I didn't run last year.
I was going to run today but between seeing my fat roll spill over my running pants and these emotions being very close to the surface, I decided to go home. This year, my goal is to the Whistlestop Half Marathon in October. I might do it in memory of her. I might find a few 5Ks with the fundraising going towards heart disease and do them in her memory.
She died from having an aneurysm at the age of 72. So young.. really. She had so much more life to live. Much like the rest of the family, I was not ready for her to pass on.
Friday, February 01, 2013
The impact of words are be remarkable.
When I was younger, it was a boy tearing me down because my low esteem was an easy target. Today, it was a spark friend saying the right words. This friend and I stay in contact through email. Part of her email her said: Be kind to yourself. This is great advice on any day, really. But today it was really insightful to who I am and what I was going through.
Basically, my Grandma has been in the hospital for the last week and half she has been in the hospital. It started because she had an aneurism in her heart and recently turned for the worse. The worse was her heart stopped twice and was in a coma. This morning she passed away when she was taken off life support. It was a shock to the system.
With that said, it would have been easy to binge on comforts foods such as pizza, ice cream and chocolate cakes. But, I keep remembering Barb's words that I should be kind to myself. I didn't do perfect but I did alright. Hope I can remember her words for the rest of the week.
So, if someone is going through something - there are alot of somethings out there - remember you can help them through the world wide web with the power of words.
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