Saturday, March 30, 2013
It's funny how this journey never stops. I know, I know, all maintainers say that. This time I am learning this lesson. I maintained my weight loss for about a year and half and than gained 15 pounds back. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of defeat. In fact, I thought this was it, the end of my weight loss. I was going to gain ALL 100 pounds back. Than, I woke up. I woke up and realized I can either accept defeat or do something about it. I have never been one to sit around so I am trying to do something about it.
No, it's not easy. I am going through the struggles of weight loss all over again. You would think that would be overwhelming and frustrating. You would think I would be upset. But, I actually find it comforting. Like an old friend. Just because my fitness has gone on a vacation doesn't mean I have to. Like many other vacations, it's temporary and I make that choice.
This week I have been trying to get my workouts (swimming laps) in the morning. I noticed I do best if I can get them in first thing before work. I am even taking part in the Sparkpeople's Rise and Shine April Challenge. If I can get them in the morning, it helps me make healthy choices all day. I have also noticed I need food accountability so I have been tracking food. I haven't done this in a LONG time. It went well until today when I wanted Perkins and I didn't want to go healthy. Again, I had a choice. I could not track or be accountable to myself and track. It's not pretty but it's in my tracker.
In addition to that, I signed up for two 5Ks. One on April 20th and one in June. It's like my journey is starting over. But, again, remember it's not ending. I have my eye on a half marathon in the fall. Eventually, I want to get running consistently and to do it four times a week. Than after that, I want to aim for running 4-6 miles easily consistently. Maybe I don't need grand plans like a marathon but a small ones, like mileage, that I can work towards.
During this time of my journey, I am trying to remember.
The scale does not know all. The scale can make me lose motivation. (Like today.) I did not gain weight overnight and cannot lose weight overnight. It takes times.
Here's a takeaway for everyone.
This takes time. Enjoy the journey and embrace it!
Thursday, March 21, 2013
In the last week, I have been trying to do some soul searching. Since graduating with a Bachelor of Science, my life seems to have lost all spark. I had so much promise. I was going places. In the last couple months, I feel like I have gone no where. I am still in the same dead end job I have been working for the past three years. Don't get me wrong, I have really enjoyed working as a Wellness Coach and teaching people how to use the Nautilus equipment in our facility. But, I am needing a change. For many reasons.
Today, after working here for two and a half years, I gave my resignation. When I came in, I was still debating whether this was the right decision for me. I have no second job lined up. I am choosing to decrease my hours. Keeping that in mind, I realized my unhappiness was rooted in my dread to come to work which was also affecting other parts of my life. Ironically, I handed my resignation to my supervisor at 3:00 pm as I got a call for a job interview as a PCA at 3:10. I am taking it as a sign that it was a good decision for me.
I am still soul searching to see what I want to do with my life and how I am going to get my spark back into my fitness...
Thursday, February 28, 2013
On July 21, 2011, I stepped on the scale and saw the magical numbers 1-6-0. Since than, I have worked to maintain the scale at 160. Like many other people, I thought losing weight was the hard part and maintenance was a cake walk.
I am sure you have seen this poster before...
It is so true.
Being overweight and unhappy with yourself is hard. For me, I found when I was at my highest weight, my self esteem was the lowest. With low self esteem you doubt every move you make and never trust your own intuition.
Losing weight is hard. You have to keep pushing even if you are putting in 100%. And, if you stumble a little back, you have to get back on the horse and keep trying even if your friends and family are pushing you toward your old habits.
Maintaining is hard. You have to want your lifestyle even if there are no rewards. The rewards in my weight loss journey were getting compliments about my progress. That felt good. Now it's old news that I have lost 100 pounds. And, sometimes it like people have forgotten who I was in the beginning. I am still that person. I still love cupcakes and cookies. In this stage, I am finding it hard to continue to say no to all the things I have denied myself during the three years of losing weight loss.
I haven't weighed myself in almost a week. Last time, I was 172.2. I really do not think I want to see a number higher than that. I really need to turn this around and I want to do it before my anniversary date... July 21st. Ironically, I have 21 weeks to do it. It'd be awesome if I could be close to 150. Honestly, I am not sure if that is possible for me as I am too scared. Actually, scratch that goal. Let's go with a different goal. A less overwhelming goal.
By July 21st, I want to get back to who I was before my internship.
I want to eat clean. I want to eat almost no junk food.
I want to work out everyday with an "off" day before rare. Not the other way around.
I want to be training for a half marathon.
I want to be proud of myself and my goals that I am working toward.
If you are losing weight, remember everyone stumbles. Even the ones in their maintenance stage. If you are in the maintenance stage, keep up the great work!
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Today, I was giving plasma when I started up a conversation with the staff, who was an LPN. I have been thinking about going back to school for a long time. We discussed the differences between an CNA, LPN, and RN. They sure sound like viable careers for me and something I would like. She said it can be challenge. My response was: "I need a challenge." Than, I thought about it. That is what I need in life right now.. a challenge.
This week I have gotten really down.. the most down I have been for a very long time... because it has felt suddenly my life has no direction but dead end jobs. I didn't go to college for dead end jobs. When I graduated college, I was excited for my future. I *thought* I was going to get a full time job in my field than had the realization there are near no jobs in my field that I qualify for. I kept asking myself, "Now what?".
The idea of nursing kept arising. I could start in an assisted living place, and get my CNA. From there, go to LPN and RN, if and when I wanted to. Than, when I was ready, I could settle into the health education as an RN. Essentially, I felt I was looking at a lifetime career that I would hopefully like. I don't know if I will like it but only one way to find out... to get the education and go for it.
I would have to figure out how to juggle my jobs, nursing classes, and my significant other... but.. you know what? I think I am ready for the challenge!
So, Monday, rather Tuesday (which I have off), I have a couple things on my To Do List. Call on all the jobs and applied to.. and call admissions and get information about potential nursing programs (and their waiting lists)!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Ever woke up one day and realized you didn't know who you were anymore?
I feel like that person. One moment, I was the girl that lost 100 pounds, trained for half marathons, loved eating healthy, and in the best shape I have been in ever. People said, "She's going places."
Since graduation, I feel I haven't gone anywhere, done anything. I still am the same part time job and do not qualify for any jobs out there. I would like to go back to college for an RN but I cannot afford it. All my accomplishments (weight loss, races) are things I have done in the last five years. Nothing in the six months, recent. My last race was in July. I thought about training for a full marathon. But the voice inside me says, "You can't. Look at your last attempt. You failed. You fail all the time." I know I need to do it because I need to believe in ME again. I just don't feel like I do anymore.
I know I am still the girl with the phoenix tattoo but feel I'm fading.
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