Friday, August 17, 2012
A new mother feels guilt when she has her first born and has less time for herself. I have been experiencing the same kind of guilt with my work outs.
If I work out before my internships, I feel that I should putting hours into internship. My boss lets me set my own hours but I always feel like I should be doing more. Like, I am not doing enough and getting enough done efficiently. She has never said anything but I want to do a great job.
If I work out after work, I feel guilty that I am working out and putting off meeting up with my boyfriend. Now, don't get me wrong, he supports me and working out. Even today when I forgot my water bottle and had to stop by his house quickly to grab it. He filled it with ice cold water and ice cubes so I could have ice cold water for my workout. What a sweetie! I just feel bad that I come over to his house at like 7 pm and I am so tired. This isn't a guilt he puts on me. He knows I have a busy schedule.
The guilt started to get to me so much that I considered breaking up with him. Not because of the guilt, but because I was feeling crunched for time all the time. Than, I started to pick at the little things. After some thought and consideration, I realized it wasn't the little things that were bothering me at all. I was just picking things. It was that I needed more space but yet I was not taking it. So, I need to try to take it more.
I started this morning. I left his house kinda early when he asked if I wanted tea. If I had tea, I would have stayed longer and never got my work out in. Than, I emailed my internship supervisor and let her know I was going to be in later. Than, I think the unthinkable.... I worked out. Even now, I keep checking the time because I know I should get to the internship even though I am working until 9 pm.
If you have any advice on dealing with guilt better than I am, I'd love to hear it!
Friday, August 10, 2012
I should be heading out to work out but I just had to update you about my life in the last few days.
First, I started my internship this week. Boy, that is way more stressful than I ever imagined it would be. I stress about getting the marketing items done in time. I stress that I am not going to get enough hours. I stress about when I am going to work out. I stress that I am not getting my work done efficiently. I took today off.. it was marvelous. I decided from now on that I am going to take at least one day off during the week, probably Wednesday, for my sanity! I think I am going to set my hours 8-3 than work out after work.
Moving on, I have been stressed about money majorly! Yesterday, I decided to get a quick work out in before I train my client. As I was working out, we saw each other and she came to chat with me. I mentioned I was stressed about money and wouldn't be getting paid until Wednesday. I, than, asked her to get me my phone out of my bag. Later, I found $30 in my bag. I don't carry cash with me at all!! I know she did it. And, I am very appreciative. It meant I could buy food I badly needed. I, also, could put gas in my tank. I wish I could thank her but I don't want to embarrass her. Like my boyfriend said, if she wanted an acknowledgement, she would have gave it to me directly.
At the beginning of summer, she hired me to fit into a dress for her birthday party. Today is that night! And, my boyfriend I are attending! I am SO excited and proud of her. She has worked hard! She really wanted to show her personal trainer (that's me!) off! So, this will be a new experience for me. I thought my journey was alot of fun and honestly, miss it often. But, I love being part of her journey and seeing her work hard at it. It's alot of fun!
Anyways, I better get working out! After that, I am training a different client than off to the birthday party. Afterwards, my boyfriend, Mark, and I are going to the movies in the park and watch Dolphin Tale. We will probably meet up with his family at the park! So excited!
Sunday, August 05, 2012
Yesterday I completed the Go Dirty Girl mud run in Welch, Minnesota. I wish I could tell you had a blast and cannot wait to do it again. Honestly, that is not my story.
In the first half of the race, I got really bummed out. Everyone had a group. And, each group had either a team name or decked out in pink. I tried my best to have fun with my own company. It was hard. These girls were diving into mud puddles, embracing being muddy!
About half way through the course, the hardest obstacle presented itself. The Wall. I waited for about 20 minutes before I was staring at the wall in fear. The woman next to me could tell that I was terrified. She was like, "Ready?" Ah, no! We talked and I gave her permission to push me over the wall. Than, I climbed it. I scaled to the top than when I was sitting on the top of the wall, one leg on each side, I was terrified. I had no idea how in the world I was going to get down. There was no one to help me but ME. No family. No friends. No GDG staff. Just ME.
That is when I looked over to the girl that was next to me and asked her to talk me through it. She did. Eventually, I got down the wall to the safety of the ground. That is when I met my heros... the girl in the line and the girl that talked me through it. Apparently, both girls were part of the same group. After they learned I was doing it solo, they adopted me as part of their group. I hung with them through the rest of the obstacles. I realize I am some people's hero but these four girls are MY heros.
At the end, my brother in law and nephew was there waiting. So, in the end, I did have family there at the race! After taking a mud shot with a couple of the girls, we went to the gear pick up where it took at least 15 minutes to find my bag. I definitely was getting a bit panicky. Than, I stripped it off in the changing tent. At that point, I was grateful for my higher self confidence because I didn't care there were zillion women that I did not know. I wanted out of my muddy clothes... NOW! Than, we headed out. I am not sure if some of this mud will ever get off my feet or my finger nails.
So, am I glad I did it?
Am I going to do it again?
Probably not! It would have been more fun with people and I just am not one to get muddy. I think I will stick to running half marathons. I get a true sense of accomplishment from it, something I didn't get from this mud run.
So, what's next?
After a conversation with Robert, ON2VICTORY, I realized I am holding myself back from my own greatness. In fact, I am scared of where I can go. In searching for my internship, I had major companies interview me because of my impeccable experience on my resume. This was scary. I did not get these internships with Hilton Head Health or the Mayo Clinic. And, to be honest, I am relieved.
Anyhow, back to this conversation with Robert, I realized I am scared of my greatness and the places I can go. That is exactly why I did not push myself to do the full marathon. And, honestly, why I have quit pushing myself, in general. Right now, I have no real challenges in my life.
So, with this in mind, I am going to find myself a triathlon training plan and go for it. After making this decision, I got really energized, something I haven't been about exercise for weeks. This is something I can work towards and achieve. Also, I think it will make me a stronger runner while taking a break from running.
I told my boyfriend of my training plans and he told me "You go, girl!". It feels great to finally have a guy beside me cheering and supporting me in whatever I do. Maybe, I can get him into triathlons. He loves to bike and he is an awesome swimmer. I believe he was 3rd place on his swimming team in High School. So, he is going to teach me how to bike than I hope he can teach me to swim more efficiently. I have already informed him that he will be helping me with these skills. In addition to that, it was great to come home last night from my trip and both him and his mom had so much to tell me. They missed me! It was really wonderful!
So, even through I was disappointed that my family was not there for whatever the reasons, I was thankful that some strangers came through for me in strides! And, now, I have a new direction!
Thursday, August 02, 2012
Since I started running, I have had someone, a friend or a family member, at my races. They either supported me by running with me or photographing the new memory for me.
This weekend will be different.
This weekend, I will run Go Dirty Girl, an all girl mud run. It will be my FIRST mud run. Not only will I be doing it alone (everyone else has other obligations), I will be challenged with being muddy and ELEVEN different obstacles. The one I am most nervous about is climbing over a wall and climbing a net. Heights is not my friend, and I am very fearful of it.
To be honest, I think the hardest part of this race is not going to be the obstacles. It is going to be showing up and doing it alone. My sister is taking the kids up to my parents so they can watch the grandkids for a week. My other sister has to work. My boyfriend has to go to a funeral of a friend's mom. I am disappointed but yet I understand. I really wish someone, anyone, could be there with me. In the last year, I have forgone too many races than I'd like to admit because I didn't have anyone with me. But, yet, this experience will make me stronger, gain confidence and independence!
There will be no pictures to memorate this part of my journey but I hope to update you with a blog afterwards!
Friday, July 27, 2012
The main message from my last couple blogs was to take a break! Many suggested taking a break from Sparkpeople. Honestly, I am not sure if I could do that. I have too many friendships here to just let it go. With that mind, I do think I am going to take a break from running. *gasp!* This was a suggestion from Robert (ON2VICTORY). I think I am burned out from running... reading about it, leading runs, finding my own routes and doing races.
In the meantime, the guy I am dating has offered to teach me to ride a bike. He loves to bike and maybe this would be just the thing I need to mix things up. So, for the month of August, this means running if I feel like it. If not, than no guilt about not running.
In addition to taking a break from running, my goal for August is to get my workouts to be more consistent. I do well for a few days than I have a few days I don't work out. To break this cycle, my goal for August is to work out - any work out - every other day. If I so happen do more workouts than that, great! If not, that is okay, too!
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