Sunday, May 20, 2012
High School was very painful for me. It consisted of loneliness, teasing and being mocked. Besides having a learning disability and apraxia, a speech disorder, I was overweight. My best friend, Chelsea, was as well.
In High School, I was very reserved with extreme low self esteem. Chelsea, my best friend and birthday twin, was not. She was confident, outgoing, and she wasn't afraid of the world, unlike me.
Since graduating High School, I went to college for Visual Communication Technology or web design in layman terms. Than, I was a real estate agent. Than, I went back to school. During these years, I was so unhappy with myself which I contributed largely to being overweight. I chose to lose weight. And, I succeeded. Great. Wonderful.
What's the point? There is one. Hang in there with me.
Tonight, I was on Facebook and a classmate's sister who both Chelsea and I were friends with messaged me.
She wrote this:
"Just have to say, I saw a picture of Chelsea from fairly recently. It made me think of how much you have done for yourself. I wish that poor girl could find the motivation to do the same as what you have done. I love her, too, but I feel so bad for her. Still have to say I am amazed by what you did for yourself."
This is so unfair! Chelsea does not need her pity. I have always admired Chelsea for her confidence and outgoing spirit. Chelsea has a bright future and recently got engaged to a really nice guy. And, she is happy. I chose to lose weight to be happy.
I am so very sick of people condemning people that overweight. What if they are happy? Doesn't that count for anything?! Yes, I know all the health reasons to lose weight. In my opinion, obesity is one of the hardest diseases out there. People can see it. You cannot hide it. And everyone makes it THEIR business when it's not.
Maybe this comment wouldn't have affected me as much a few weeks or months ago. But, on Friday I went to counseling, where I cried, knowing the only way they'd heal is to rip them open so I can be a stronger person. Well, this comment got me crying again. I am not sure if I am crying for myself or my best friend.
So, you may wonder, how did I reply?
"I changed because I was unhappy. Chelsea is very happy with herself and I have always admired that of her. I am happy with me and happy for her."
You know, I truly wish I was as happy as Chelsea was. Just because I have lost 100 pounds does not.. does NOT.. mean I am happy. Yes, I have gained more confidence and overall like me more. But, never have a doubt that you should pity someone's life because they are overweight. If that's the case, I pity you!
Anyways, the girl never replied to what I said. Seriously, did she think I'd just sit by and let her be mean to my best friend who I have had since High School. Riiiiiggghhtt! I guess I changed in more than just my appearance.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
The week the main goal is to get my fitness and food back on track. This is the game plan.
- Track my food Monday thru Friday (going home for the weekend)
I would like to add more protein snack in between meals. It would help me curb my late night salt cravings along with staying full longer. Any favorites?
- Exercise everyday
Monday - swim, lifting, running
Tuesday - run with the group
Wednesday - PT session, swim afterwards
Thursday - TBD
Friday - PT session, swim afterwards
Saturday - run 3-4 miles
Sunday - walk
Monday - TBD, potentially find a way to strength train outside of the gym
So that's the game plan. Not glamorous but hopefully achievable!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Because some of my close spark friends have been strongly encouraging me to see my counselor, I want to open this blog by saying I did talk with her. My issue was feeling lonely but too afraid to form friendships from years of pain in school. In the last week, I took this loneliness feeling and tried to eat it away. Some of my habits from three years ago were back. Emotionally, I am better.
Physically? Now, that is a whole another issue.
I am extremely sore and tired from my most recent personal training sessions. Dumb DOMS. Than, my knee, hip, foot (they all take different turns) are sore-pain. Ever since my 17-miler, my body has not been happy. It was getting better, than I PRed at the Eau Claire Half Marathon. Now, it really isn't happy. Currently, I am leaning towards in NOT running Grandma's Marathon. It's better for me to heal.
Besides that, I have gained weight. I am 166! How did this happen? I have gained 6 pounds above my desired weight. So, first line of business, is lose the weight.
Talking about weight, my sister is going to lose 25# this summer. If I lost 25#, I would be at 140, a healthy BMI. So, today I called her up and said we could do it together. Than, she asked for a plan? What? A plan? Oh, right. The person that has lost 100 pounds should have a plan of attack. I guess, I do. Track food. Track fitness. Do fitness. Lift three times a week. Repeat until desired effect is achieved. This weekend we are developing a plan of attack.
So for the summer (defined as Memorial Day weekend to Labor Day weekend), these are my goals.
- Lose 15-25 pounds.
This means going from 166 to 140-150 or 1-2 pounds lost each week. As I lose more weight, the more my body wants to hang onto it. This will be HARD! But, when I get to 140, ideally my body weight would be normal. Right now, it's overweight. So, this means keeping my food in check, lifting 3x a week and drinking plenty of water!
- Improve my race finishing times
This means I would like to bring my half marathon time down to under 2:30 and my 5K down to under 30:00. I haven't ran a 5K since last summer so I am not sure what it is at currently. I am going to run one on June 1st as a time to know what I need to improve on. I plan on doing this by implementing intervals and hill work into my weekly runs.
This might be the most important goal before I start to majorly stress my body. To heal means to have any random pain twinges in my hips, knees, or feet.
In summary, I derailed but I am choosing not to stay there. I am getting back on track. Time to go make a summer motivation goal board!
Okay, I wrote the above blog than ate half a bag of chips. So maybe I am less on track than I thought. I am thinking that I need to get rid of any "bad" foods banished from my room, like I did when I started to lose weight. Memorial Day weekend marks the fourth year in my journey. Maybe I should go back to the beginning in doing what I did than. No excuses.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Lately, I have been getting the reputation for a sunny disposition. This is a not sunny blog. Turn back now. Quick before you are sucked into this black cloud.
When I was studying for my ACE Lifestyle and Weight Management exam, the materials drilled an important fact. The fact was this. No matter how long you have maintained, you can fall into old habits. Around here, we call it falling off the wagon.
This week, I have fallen into old habits. I seem to be eating cookies and chips. Last night, I went to Olive Garden. It just seems like I reverting to my old habits and the pounds just like keep adding up. I cannot help to feel like this is how it starts. It's one pound than another than another and another.
When I started this journey, I was very lonely, was treated poorly by my friends, and wanted more than anything else to connect with anyone. Looking back, I realize now, I thought losing weight would bring friends. Now, I feel just as lonely, if not more. I feel like I cannot connect with anyone. I used to be able to connect with my sister but it's not anymore.
Even on campus, I struggle. There is no one here that I can relate to. I am older than most students. Also, I am interested in being healthy which most students are not. I really hope with my internship (the one I've yet to find) I will find people with similar interests.
But, this is not only feeling alone in the world, it is also stress in my world.
My boss is pressuring me with the schedule and I do not want to hear it anymore. I am sick of the guilt trips of wanting to do my long runs on the weekends. I seriously want to quit. On the positive, this is her last schedule.
Than, there is my hip. I am not sure if it is the IT band or what. But, it's sore. I cannot even run ONE mile without it starting to complain. I should go to the doctor but physical therapy costs money. And, lots of it since I have no insurance. *sigh* How will I run 26.2 in a month if I cannot run ONE mile? I am supposed to do a 20-miler on Memorial Weekend. I have no idea how I am going to do it. I don't know if I want to do the marathon anymore either. I realized it hasn't been fun. Shouldn't it be fun? I invited my Grandma and now I feel I HAVE to.
Well, can you read the writing on the wall? I think I do. I have a suspicious that I am going through some depression. I don't want to do anything. Even run. I love to run. I have felt this way for a couple weeks. So, I am going to talk to my counselor. Hope it helps. Probably won't though.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
All day I have been thinking about how I gained weight this weekend.
In the past, it has been about the weight. Seeing those numbers on the scale move up. Than a roller coaster of emotions would pursue consisting of beating myself up.
This weekend was different. I went to a wedding than stayed with my parents for two days. I ate like everything was low calorie and did not count. But, they did count and eventually added up to a weight gain. That part was the same.
So, what was different? Acknowledging that I go on a lifestyle vacation each time I go home. I let go of my good habits and pick up my bad habits that I worked out of my lifestyle. Hence, gaining weight.
But, how does one change this?
I don't want to make my own meals all the time. In the past, I try to count calories and go for a walk or run. In the end, I would barely maintain during the weekend.
Is that enough?
I am not sure. I do know that I was 163 before the weekend and now I am 168. Some of that is water retention, I know, but some is not. So, after this full marathon, I have exactly one month to get down to 160. June 16th is the full marathon. July 17th is my anniversary of maintaining for exactly one year.
Part of me wants to forget this marathon and focus on losing weight. But, than I told my Grandma that I would be running Grandma's Marathon. Than, I went and invited her to come see me! Good grief!
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