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One of My HS Scars

Sunday, May 20, 2012

High School was very painful for me. It consisted of loneliness, teasing and being mocked. Besides having a learning disability and apraxia, a speech disorder, I was overweight. My best friend, Chelsea, was as well.

In High School, I was very reserved with extreme low self esteem. Chelsea, my best friend and birthday twin, was not. She was confident, outgoing, and she wasn't afraid of the world, unlike me.

Since graduating High School, I went to college for Visual Communication Technology or web design in layman terms. Than, I was a real estate agent. Than, I went back to school. During these years, I was so unhappy with myself which I contributed largely to being overweight. I chose to lose weight. And, I succeeded. Great. Wonderful.

What's the point? There is one. Hang in there with me.

Tonight, I was on Facebook and a classmate's sister who both Chelsea and I were friends with messaged me.

She wrote this:
"Just have to say, I saw a picture of Chelsea from fairly recently. It made me think of how much you have done for yourself. I wish that poor girl could find the motivation to do the same as what you have done. I love her, too, but I feel so bad for her. Still have to say I am amazed by what you did for yourself."

This is so unfair! Chelsea does not need her pity. I have always admired Chelsea for her confidence and outgoing spirit. Chelsea has a bright future and recently got engaged to a really nice guy. And, she is happy. I chose to lose weight to be happy.

I am so very sick of people condemning people that overweight. What if they are happy? Doesn't that count for anything?! Yes, I know all the health reasons to lose weight. In my opinion, obesity is one of the hardest diseases out there. People can see it. You cannot hide it. And everyone makes it THEIR business when it's not.

Maybe this comment wouldn't have affected me as much a few weeks or months ago. But, on Friday I went to counseling, where I cried, knowing the only way they'd heal is to rip them open so I can be a stronger person. Well, this comment got me crying again. I am not sure if I am crying for myself or my best friend.

So, you may wonder, how did I reply?

"I changed because I was unhappy. Chelsea is very happy with herself and I have always admired that of her. I am happy with me and happy for her."

You know, I truly wish I was as happy as Chelsea was. Just because I have lost 100 pounds does not.. does NOT.. mean I am happy. Yes, I have gained more confidence and overall like me more. But, never have a doubt that you should pity someone's life because they are overweight. If that's the case, I pity you!

Anyways, the girl never replied to what I said. Seriously, did she think I'd just sit by and let her be mean to my best friend who I have had since High School. Riiiiiggghhtt! I guess I changed in more than just my appearance.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JPGSMOM 5/21/2012 10:09PM

    Savannah- YOU are the true gem. I'm so proud of the woman you have become. You are the type of friend everyone deeply desires to have. I know Chelsea and you share a very special bond, and the fact that this affected you the way it did proves it. You are right, though... Of all the times I've lost weight in my life (and there are quite a few), I always imagined that losing the weight would make me happy. It doesn't. But, I do feel the opposite has some truth. I believe that happiness has helped me lose weight. Life is funny, it's never just the straight and narrow we think we should have. It has ups and downs, and cliffs that we often fall (or jump) over. Hang in there though. I know it's so cliche, and I'm sure you've heard it all before, but you are young, and the best is truly yet to come. Have faith. Here I am looking at 40, still learning so much about myself. But I have to say, with each passing year I learn more about myself, and I am more confident who I really am, and who really matters in my life. That circle isn't large, but it IS filled with the most special people. Just trust that it takes time for our souls to develop. You will find your happiness.
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1CRAZYDOG 5/21/2012 10:03PM

    Bravo for your response, my dear!!! Bravo. And it speaks volumes about the writer that she didn't respond back to what you wrote. And I wouldn't have expected that type of person to respond back anyhow.

You HAVE changed immensely on this journey and I am glad that you're recognizing it!

HUGS!
Barb

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ERLYWA 5/21/2012 12:35PM

    Insensitive, sure. But look how you used this as an opportunity to educate her, with your reply! Her lack of response to your reply shows that she was indeed being catty and thought you would chime in with some Chelsea gossip/bashing, but you showed her that one cannot lose as much weight as you've lost and make as many strides towards being healthy as you have without a TON of strong inner character. I am super impressed that you didn't give into your anger and shoot back an angry response, but rather, used this as an opportunity to show her that weight does not equal happiness. Good on you!!!

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NATPLUMMER 5/21/2012 10:34AM

    emoticon Happiness is not measured by the scale.

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XRSIZE18 5/21/2012 5:36AM

    Glad you pointed out the folly of thinking that being overweight makes someone a "poor girl". Being overweight doesn't make you less of a person or less worthy. Some people.

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GETFIT2LIVE 5/21/2012 1:40AM

    Way to go, Savannah, for both choosing the difficult path of healing for yourself and for standing up for your friend. People who have never struggled with their weight can be incredibly cruel and insensitive. Losing weight does not equal happiness, much as we'd like to think it is going to solve all our problems. The reality is, though, the other baggage we carry from the past is much harder to lose than the actual weight that we put on because of it. You're a strong, brave, beautiful woman, and Chelsea is lucky to have you for a friend.

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Game Plan

Sunday, May 20, 2012

The week the main goal is to get my fitness and food back on track. This is the game plan.

- Track my food Monday thru Friday (going home for the weekend)
I would like to add more protein snack in between meals. It would help me curb my late night salt cravings along with staying full longer. Any favorites?

- Exercise everyday
Monday - swim, lifting, running
Tuesday - run with the group
Wednesday - PT session, swim afterwards
Thursday - TBD
Friday - PT session, swim afterwards
Saturday - run 3-4 miles
Sunday - walk
Monday - TBD, potentially find a way to strength train outside of the gym

So that's the game plan. Not glamorous but hopefully achievable!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PATRICIAANN46 5/26/2012 8:58PM

  Hi Savannah........
Sounds good to me. I have been gone for a few days...........but now, I have a new baby........Grand-Baby that is (WOW! That would put me in the Guinnes World Book of Records). emoticon

Comment edited on: 5/26/2012 8:59:47 PM

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1CRAZYDOG 5/20/2012 9:33PM

    Wishing you luck with your goals! Achievable and great goals! Agree with the greek yogurt.

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NATPLUMMER 5/20/2012 2:58PM

    Protein snack...how about some Greek yogurt?
Looks like a fab plan!!

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SHERYLDS 5/20/2012 1:14PM

    wow....are you training for a triathlon....
I don't even know how to spell it

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Back On Track

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Because some of my close spark friends have been strongly encouraging me to see my counselor, I want to open this blog by saying I did talk with her. My issue was feeling lonely but too afraid to form friendships from years of pain in school. In the last week, I took this loneliness feeling and tried to eat it away. Some of my habits from three years ago were back. Emotionally, I am better.

Physically? Now, that is a whole another issue.

I am extremely sore and tired from my most recent personal training sessions. Dumb DOMS. Than, my knee, hip, foot (they all take different turns) are sore-pain. Ever since my 17-miler, my body has not been happy. It was getting better, than I PRed at the Eau Claire Half Marathon. Now, it really isn't happy. Currently, I am leaning towards in NOT running Grandma's Marathon. It's better for me to heal.

Besides that, I have gained weight. I am 166! How did this happen? I have gained 6 pounds above my desired weight. So, first line of business, is lose the weight.

Talking about weight, my sister is going to lose 25# this summer. If I lost 25#, I would be at 140, a healthy BMI. So, today I called her up and said we could do it together. Than, she asked for a plan? What? A plan? Oh, right. The person that has lost 100 pounds should have a plan of attack. I guess, I do. Track food. Track fitness. Do fitness. Lift three times a week. Repeat until desired effect is achieved. This weekend we are developing a plan of attack.

So for the summer (defined as Memorial Day weekend to Labor Day weekend), these are my goals.

- Lose 15-25 pounds.

This means going from 166 to 140-150 or 1-2 pounds lost each week. As I lose more weight, the more my body wants to hang onto it. This will be HARD! But, when I get to 140, ideally my body weight would be normal. Right now, it's overweight. So, this means keeping my food in check, lifting 3x a week and drinking plenty of water!

- Improve my race finishing times

This means I would like to bring my half marathon time down to under 2:30 and my 5K down to under 30:00. I haven't ran a 5K since last summer so I am not sure what it is at currently. I am going to run one on June 1st as a time to know what I need to improve on. I plan on doing this by implementing intervals and hill work into my weekly runs.

- Heal.

This might be the most important goal before I start to majorly stress my body. To heal means to have any random pain twinges in my hips, knees, or feet.

In summary, I derailed but I am choosing not to stay there. I am getting back on track. Time to go make a summer motivation goal board!

------

Okay, I wrote the above blog than ate half a bag of chips. So maybe I am less on track than I thought. I am thinking that I need to get rid of any "bad" foods banished from my room, like I did when I started to lose weight. Memorial Day weekend marks the fourth year in my journey. Maybe I should go back to the beginning in doing what I did than. No excuses.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EGRAMMY 5/20/2012 10:31PM

    emoticon

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MYLADY4 5/20/2012 11:16AM

    Have you gotten your massage yet? Just saw a segment on the news this morning that these REALLY help runners since running creates scar tissues in the muscles and a couple of massages can get it broke up. I am thinking about looking into this for my foot and ankle since I went for a jog on Friday and the foot/ankle started hurting again.

A plan in definitely needed and glad you talked with someone.

Get RID of the chips and any other binge foods!!!!!! If you know that they are a trigger binge food, you just can't buy them for a while. My "binge" food is sugar free chocolate covered craisans from the freezer. I do some here, some there and then before I know it, they are gone so I just don't buy them oh and Cheetos especially jalapeņo one, YUM.

You can do this!!!!

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NATPLUMMER 5/19/2012 11:11PM

    Great plan!!
Sometimes the chips get the better of us.

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1CRAZYDOG 5/19/2012 9:38PM

    YES! That's the most sensible thing to do . . . just get it out of your room. Out of sight, out of mind . . . generally. Well, you know how that goes!

Glad you're doing this with your sister. That will keep you BOTH motivating one another.

So very glad you talked w/your counselor. That is a wise thing to do. Sometimes it's just so difficult for us to unravel ourselves what's going on. It's like peeling the layers of an onion. Sometimes it takes a little work, but it can be done!

You know you have my best wishes to you in meeting your goals. Now go get 'em!

HUGS!

Barb

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EMFRAPPIER 5/19/2012 8:48PM

    Glad you're back on track! Great summer goals!!

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No Sunshine Here

Friday, May 18, 2012

Lately, I have been getting the reputation for a sunny disposition. This is a not sunny blog. Turn back now. Quick before you are sucked into this black cloud.
________________________________________
__________________

When I was studying for my ACE Lifestyle and Weight Management exam, the materials drilled an important fact. The fact was this. No matter how long you have maintained, you can fall into old habits. Around here, we call it falling off the wagon.

This week, I have fallen into old habits. I seem to be eating cookies and chips. Last night, I went to Olive Garden. It just seems like I reverting to my old habits and the pounds just like keep adding up. I cannot help to feel like this is how it starts. It's one pound than another than another and another.

When I started this journey, I was very lonely, was treated poorly by my friends, and wanted more than anything else to connect with anyone. Looking back, I realize now, I thought losing weight would bring friends. Now, I feel just as lonely, if not more. I feel like I cannot connect with anyone. I used to be able to connect with my sister but it's not anymore.

Even on campus, I struggle. There is no one here that I can relate to. I am older than most students. Also, I am interested in being healthy which most students are not. I really hope with my internship (the one I've yet to find) I will find people with similar interests.

But, this is not only feeling alone in the world, it is also stress in my world.

My boss is pressuring me with the schedule and I do not want to hear it anymore. I am sick of the guilt trips of wanting to do my long runs on the weekends. I seriously want to quit. On the positive, this is her last schedule.

Than, there is my hip. I am not sure if it is the IT band or what. But, it's sore. I cannot even run ONE mile without it starting to complain. I should go to the doctor but physical therapy costs money. And, lots of it since I have no insurance. *sigh* How will I run 26.2 in a month if I cannot run ONE mile? I am supposed to do a 20-miler on Memorial Weekend. I have no idea how I am going to do it. I don't know if I want to do the marathon anymore either. I realized it hasn't been fun. Shouldn't it be fun? I invited my Grandma and now I feel I HAVE to.

Well, can you read the writing on the wall? I think I do. I have a suspicious that I am going through some depression. I don't want to do anything. Even run. I love to run. I have felt this way for a couple weeks. So, I am going to talk to my counselor. Hope it helps. Probably won't though.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MYLADY4 5/20/2012 11:29AM

    I hit my "I don't want to do this anymore, it's not fun" point about 3 weeks before the half. Some hoe, I was able to push though the aches and I am glad I did it and even happier that I am DONE!!!!!

I know that you will figure it out.

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PATRICIAANN46 5/19/2012 6:27PM

  Hi Savannah........
First of all........You MUST talk to your counselor. With your history of depression, you can't let this go without seeking help.
Second......You need to find out what is going on with your hip. You don't want to injure it by running when what it may need is rest or treatment of some kind.
I feel that if you do BOTH of the above.........you should feel better both physically and mentally. It is also your Senior year.......as much as I wanted to graduate and get on with my life, there was some fear of the unknown and regret about leaving what was familiar.
I wish you the BEST.......
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Patti

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1CRAZYDOG 5/18/2012 7:44PM

    My dear, I would certainly suspect depression and would definitely talk w/your counselor. I think that is a very wise idea.

Life is not meant to feel as you do . . . without enjoyment, without connecting with others. I think you are wise to talk with your counselor to get things back on track.

It is not easy when you just don't FEEL like doing anything.

Hugs to you sweetie.

Barb

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SHRINKINRUNNER 5/18/2012 2:50PM

    Hunny? Are we the same person?!

I as you know will be training/running a marathon soon.

I too have been saying I do not "want" to run. I do not have that fire in me that I had. Do NOT get me wrong I LOVE running. I can NOT picture my life without running, BUT I am burnt out on it!! I have been doing it for so long...I fell like I want a break. I researched and read that alot of people take a hiatus for a few months (1-3) to avoid it. That sounded so good.

Now on ANOTHER note..I too have said ALOT in past 1-3 months to my husband that I do not WANT to do the marathon anymore. At 1rst I did. Now though...with the way I am feeling for a while....I feel like I am being FORCED to do it. I am not having fun. I want to run a marathon because I want to. Not because I feel like I have to because I paid for it. I want to not DREAD having to run. I want to do it because it is FUN. It isn't FUN anymore for me. I could always drop down to the 1/2. It's how I feel too though...my heart says if you are DREADING, and NOT having fun, and NOT looking forward to it...do NOT do it. It wont be fun and you wont enjoy it. When I picture my 1rst I want it to be GREAT and BIG.

Now food...I recently struggled as well. I just have not cared (been back on track for a week). I WANT to care, but because I have done this forever....I dont know. I hated every second of it when I was doing it but I kept it up.

It usually last 1-4 weeks then I blow it! I WANT to go back to how I was.

It's good that you try to talk to someone. I don't have anyone like that. I do not know if it is depression or just plain out BURNT OUT!

emoticon emoticon

Sorry this was long. It's the LONGEST comment I have EVER done!!
XOXOXO

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NATPLUMMER 5/18/2012 2:30PM

    emoticon I hope your talk with your counselor helps. You do need to talk to somebody.
I would not do the marathon if your hip is bothering you that much. I'm sure your Grandma would understand.

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Lifestyle Vacation

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

All day I have been thinking about how I gained weight this weekend.

In the past, it has been about the weight. Seeing those numbers on the scale move up. Than a roller coaster of emotions would pursue consisting of beating myself up.

This weekend was different. I went to a wedding than stayed with my parents for two days. I ate like everything was low calorie and did not count. But, they did count and eventually added up to a weight gain. That part was the same.

So, what was different? Acknowledging that I go on a lifestyle vacation each time I go home. I let go of my good habits and pick up my bad habits that I worked out of my lifestyle. Hence, gaining weight.

But, how does one change this?

I don't want to make my own meals all the time. In the past, I try to count calories and go for a walk or run. In the end, I would barely maintain during the weekend.

Is that enough?

I am not sure. I do know that I was 163 before the weekend and now I am 168. Some of that is water retention, I know, but some is not. So, after this full marathon, I have exactly one month to get down to 160. June 16th is the full marathon. July 17th is my anniversary of maintaining for exactly one year.

Part of me wants to forget this marathon and focus on losing weight. But, than I told my Grandma that I would be running Grandma's Marathon. Than, I went and invited her to come see me! Good grief!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GETFIT2LIVE 5/16/2012 5:44PM

    I think "going home" is the hardest part of figuring out this whole maintenance/healthy lifestyle thing. It's so easy to slide back into old habits when we're with family. I don't have any answers about how to handle that, except to keep experimenting with the right balance of enjoying the time together and sticking with a healthy lifestyle. Those five pounds are at least partly water weight, you know that; as long as you go right back to healthy eating, you'll be fine. Keep going with your training; you have got this!

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SHRINKINRUNNER 5/16/2012 2:18PM

    If you were to just focus on losing weight and NOT the marathon what changes?! I am asking to know and help myself :)

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1CRAZYDOG 5/16/2012 11:24AM

    Dear Savannah:

WE ALL tend to go on a "lifestyle vacation when we're home. BUT now you're back, and on track. This too shall pass.

Keep your eye on the prize . . . that marathon.

HUGS!

Barb

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NATPLUMMER 5/16/2012 10:00AM

    5 pounds has to be mostly (if not all) water. You aren't going to be going home every weekend, so don't worry about it. Just focus on eating healthy and training and you'll be fine.

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MYLADY4 5/16/2012 9:21AM

    You are so close to the marathon that you know you won't quit (nor should you).

Take the weekend issue for what it is and figure out what you need to do if that is not acceptable to you. Maybe the few weekends year that it happens is ok as long as it does not through you off for weeks.

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