Monday, August 22, 2011
With this journey, putting aside the physical changes, I have grew tremendously inside as a person in the last three years. As I grew as a person, I outgrew some of my closest friends. Each and every time, it is hard for me to let go even through I need to grieve the friendship.
Once again, I am at this intersection. Currently, I have noticed that I am outgrowing two of my closest guy friends. They are equally hard to let go. I know I need to grieve them but how does one do that? It seems simple to grieve a death but what about a person that is very much alive but the friendship is not? How does one accept that it is time to let go?
I dated Bobby for approximately 3 months and we have been close ever since for the last two years. We always said we'd be there for each other but the thing is, more and more, I find I struggle to relate and support him as I could in the past. I didn't mean to grow and leave him behind. This journey, honestly, wasn't even a conscious decision. I just wanted to lose 5 pounds - I didn't set out to change my entire life but I did.
As for my other friend, he is equally as hard because we got close even through I knew he was leaving. I guess sometimes the unknown is what makes situations like this hard. Recently, he has dropped our friendship. It hurts. But, I also know I need to let it go. I cannot hang onto the hurt. I have to let him go. If he does not want to nurture our friendship, it will simply die. I cannot continue to water it, without the soil it needs.
These are not the only friendships I am outgrowing, unfortunately. I have attended my college for the last four years. Yup, that is right. I am a senior and should be graduating soon. I have found that I am, also, outgrowing the campus as a whole. The maturity here is not exactly what I can find for lasting friendships.
On the upside, I am finding alot of friends at the YMCA I work at. They are mature and have similar lifestyles that I have. When I am on campus, I have fight for my lifestyle tooth and nail but while I am at work, these people understand because they choose it too.
In fact, my new work out buddy works there. In the past, when people have wanted to be their work out buddy, I steered away from it. It often felt like they wanted me to lose weight FOR them. I want to help but I cannot do it FOR them. Cassie seems like she sincerely wants my company. I may even get to act like a Personal Trainer and teach her some exercises. How fun! Our trial run is on Wednesday morning!
Besides that, Curt and I seem to have fun together. He suggested running together and even a beach run, something I have never done. I tend to run slow (11-13 min/pace) and he seemed fine with that. So, basically, I can have another running buddy. I cannot wait until I feel better so I can.
Than, there's John. Now, there is some romantic potential with this one. He goes to a nearby college and today when we both saw each other, we were both grins and like, "Where have you been hiding?" We chit chatted and I told him to add him on Facebook. Hopefully, he does. He seems fun.
Anyhow, what is my point? My point is more to myself than to anyone else. I need to let go of these old friendships and let new ones grow. I also need to accept these friendships came in my life for a reason and now it served it's purpose. Time to move on.
I know grieving has it's purpose. For me, I think it is accepting it has run it's course and to say good-bye.
Now, my question for you.. do you know how to move on or even grieve a friendship? What benefits do you feel serves grieving does for you?
Saturday, August 20, 2011
No one likes to be laughed at.
Especially, by their own mother.
That is what happened tonight. Every time she does it, I feel so foolish. Almost stupid.
Tonight, I stood up for me and told her to stop. She was like, "I wasn't laughing." She was and I told her that she was. A few minutes later, she's like, "I don't know why you treat me so badly when I give you things." My parents are giving me money so I can afford to go on my mini-vacation. I was a bit short on money.
But, this is why I try to never ask for money because she always turns it around and be like, "Why are you being mean to me?" No, Mother, I am not being mean; this is what standing up for one's self looks like. *sigh*
I get really sick of her manipulating me.
Tonight, I ended the conversation. Like I usually do.
In other news, I have decided my body had a mix of exhaustion and dehydration going on.
All week I have been resting and drinking Powerade as much as I can. It can be tough considering I work at a YMCA and on my feet, walking around, going up and down the stairs, all day long. Today, I had the day off so I sleep into until 10:30 am and just now I am getting that exhausted feeling so hopefully, this means I am doing better.
I am supposed to be training for a half marathon and now I am not sure if I will continue that training. Taking one week off is one thing but two weeks? I go on my vacation next week and I think I am going to keep it with lounging around, a bit of walking and some running. In other words, pretty light.
In a couple weeks, I go back to classes and want to be all rested up because the first few weeks can be kinda stressful.. so if that means not training for a half marathon.. that is what that means.
Besides this exhaustion business, I finally got my grades in for my summer classes.
Exercise Physiology... A
Online course (too long of a title)...B
I wish I could tell my friend - the one that dropped me like taking out the garbage - because he knows how hard Exercise Physiology can be and why it's awesome to get an A in it. Oh, well. Trying to move on.
Okay, off to make supper, I think, and maybe read a book. Maybe I will make my ex bf, Nick, hang out with me since he is all moved in now.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I know this is my second blog of the day.. but I really need to vent.
As I finishing off the box of Triscuits I brought just yesterday afternoon, I realized I was angry.
The angry where you want to smash many, many ceramics things.
But, you are mature so you know it's not appropriate, according to society. Besides, you'd be sad if you smashed your favorite tea cup and your favorite bowls that your best guy friend gave you.
Or, would you?
Right now, I am so angry, and maybe even hurt.
My best guy friend, B, when I vented to him about wanting to go to MS, for the half marathon, responded with, "Well, paying your bills is the responsible thing."
Really?! No kidding! It's not like I don't pay my bills! I work my butt off and it seems like I am getting no where. Even more so, my friend, who is 23, is living with his parents and his parents are supporting him. He is not going to school. Doesn't have a solid job. AND, he is in California! Can you guess who's paying for that?! Mind you, he has a heart condition. It was diagnosed three years ago. Grieve it and get on with your life!
But, yet he is telling me that I need to be responsible!
And, if that isn't enough, there is my so-called friend that in the last couple months or so, basically quit being friends with me. No explanation. They say we will be friends. This is not being friends. This is being a butt head. Yup, I call you a butt head because that is the terms kindergartners use, much like you are acting. All I want to do is yell and scream and smash ceramic.
But, the truth is, I know I am just really hurt that you'd walk away from our friendship like this. Even after I have asked you about it. Know that it hurts. It's your choice and YOUR loss.
And, if that isn't enough, I cannot exercise because I am super exhausted/dehydrated and who knows what else. I just want a friend in this big world and there isn't one. My ex, N, says to work out when I am stressed is not healthy. Well, honey (sarcasm), neither is bingeing a box of Triscuits. If this is how I deal with my feelings and life, than, well, you need to understand. But you simply don't. You don't understand my lifestyle. You just want me to conform to your lifestyle. You pressure me to not work out and that it is "okay" to eat how you do. No, it's not okay for me to eat like that. If that is how YOU want to live, fine, but respect that I do not. Well, for starters, respect my boundaries. Can you do that? Nope, I didn't think you could.
Right now, I would love to find ONE "live" guy that actually understood ME. I am starting to wonder if he even exists. Whatever, I don't need these guys and I don't need any guy.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
That is the question.
Am I dehydrated or am I overtraining or a combination of both?
Last week, I felt I did alot of exercise and started lifting everyday. It was different muscle groups that got rotated. I was even having alot of fun. When I weighed in on Sunday, I dropped like three pounds!
But, yet, I felt tired.
The tired I am talking about is as soon as I get up for a few hours, I feel like I could go for a nap!
I took Saturday, Monday, and Tuesday off. I am starting to get antsy but yet, I am still kinda tired.
On Monday, after a hour of being outside on the beach, I got dizzy and nauseous. I got the same nausea today after doing some errands for a couple hours.
So.. you may be wondering.. or maybe not.. but my pee is a dark yellow. I do know that is a sign of dehydration.
Initially, I thought I might be overtraining as I was unmotivated, and my muscles fatigued that I didn't work hard. When I took a couple days off, my muscles still complained. I hate taking breaks. It makes me feel like I am giving up and I am not as focused.
With all this, I am thinking it might be more dehydration than overtraining.
What do you think?
Either way, I am going to go back to working out tomorrow. I miss it. I really want to lift. I feel like I am going to turn to mush! So, I think the plan is going to try to work on getting un-dehydrated and do 20 minutes of cardio and get back to my routine of lifting!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Ever feel like something HUGE is going to happen and your life is about to change forever? Well, right now that is how I feel!
Besides, for the first time in my life that I can remember, I am content but yet very excited to see what the future holds for me.
I am excited...
..to start my career.
..to get my new tattoo. (Consultation on September 4th.)
..to start traveling and seeing the world (or at least the U.S.)
..to meet more sincere, mature people.
..to even meet guys and go on some fun dates.
..to see what new places my fitness will bring me.
I guess what I am saying is that I am excited for my life to start.
By the way, those are the flowers I brought at the grocery store today! Aren't they great?!
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