Sunday, August 14, 2011
Today, I was grumpy and was venting to my ex online, the one that's moving four doors from me in like two weeks.
I was venting to him about a lot of things going on in my life. One of the things specifically was how my friend keeps calling me weird. Now, usually weird isn't an insult but from her, it is. It doesn't help that whenever my lifestyle such as eating or running, she calls it weird.
It is not weird. It's called being healthy.
Also, I explained that my friends and family pressure me to not be healthy. Ever since I started this journey, I have been fighting for it.
Anyhow, my ex decided this was the appropriate time to talk to me about something that always was an issue when we dating.
So there is no misinterpretation, here is the conversation.
My friends and family always have... since I changed my lifestyle.
Its something I have to fight for, everyday.
I asked Holly to go with me to get Gu, something I take on my runs, and she called me weird sseveral times.
i dont take sides on this topic
but maybe at times too much of a good thing can be a bad thing
im not saying always being healthy is bad
What do you mean?
just that friends , life, your mental well being, 3 things that are equally important
from my perspective
you base your life off being health, instead of the other way around
if you feel like you've been unhealthy
if affects your mental well being
i see that as a bad situation , and i know i cant help that
Its not a bad situation. It basically means I am disappointed in me when I am not doing what i know is best for me
to a point being dissapointed is ok
but iv personaly seen you go past that point and it hurts to see that
Go past what point? That I make myself toe the line?
your healthy to be happy, and if you dont feel your being healthy, you dont just get mad at you
you get depressed about it
then strive harder than you should to make up for it
some times you can look at it as motivation
but once it gets too bad , its more unhealthy than it is healthy to strive too hard to make up for somthing that wasnt all that bad in the first place
How I live is not unhealthy. Im sorry you think I am being unhealthy but I deal with it all the ways I know how.
your really just picked out the negative of everything i said that
and threw out everything else
No, I get it. You're concerned that I a having an eating disorder.
not in the least bit
im just worried that at times when your depression gets the worst of you, that you strive to hard to work it out completely through trying to be more healthy
and at times that can turn unhealty
nothing more nothing less
in and of itself, with the negative side , aside , i see you as a very strong willed and healthy woman and at times i envy your will power
Thats how I deal with my depression. My depression wasnt something I picked.
And im honestly sorry if you felt that was offencive at all.... its been something that iv wanted to talk to you about, i feel i needed to say that... even if you just brush it aside
because, i do care about you
as a good friend... and at times more than that
I know you care about me.
And, in the past, I have picked up on this.
Well, your opinion of it all.
Ex: I'm glad you take it like that hun
After this conversation, I was seriously hurt. I cried. Now, I feel like my feelings have been through the ringer. I just want someone to hug me and tell me it's okay.
It seems like so few people understand how hard I have to fight for this. I am tired of fighting. Why can't they understand I choose to be healthy? I choose to eat healthy and to run because it makes me happy.
For a while, I've kinda thought that I couldn't date someone that hasn't lost a chunk of weight because they couldn't understand the before and after parts of me, which is now meshed.
My counselor thinks there are people out there that can understand and accept my currently lifestyle of eating right and exercise. Like, why I have to do it. (Right now, the guy I like has lost over 100 pounds as well. We are going to share our before photos sometime!)
I'm really wondering if there are people that can accept me. Because, to me, there doesn't seem like there are too many people accepting my lifestyle. I don't need everyone to but I do someone to stand beside me and support it. It would be even better if he had the same lifestyle as I want my kids to have the same lifestyle.
Right now, I cannot wait until I graduate and can surround myself with healthy and mature people.
Wait, why can't I now? I already am starting to form friendships with healthy people at the Y. It'd be great to meet some people from college that are healthy and mature... *sigh*
Okay, enough of all this. Thanks for listening!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Today, when my alarm when off at 5:30 am, I thought about quitting my job. But, I managed to roll out of bed and get going. I was rewarded with this view on the way to work.
I was starting to get in a better mood. If I had to be at work, I might as well put on a happy face. Talking with member do that to me.
About 1 pm, the youth group that meets in the gym finished and I suddenly had kid after kid in the Wellness Center, where I am in charge of. No kids under age 16 are allowed in the WC without a signed form by a physician. This was stressful. Telling kids with attitude that they need to leave.
Three boys could stay because they had the form signed previously. They were a headache. Didn't want to use a spotter for doing the bench press. Kept banging the weights.
Finally, the Y was closing so it meant my day was over. As I was talking to the Staff on Duty before leaving for the day, she said that members came down and complained. *sigh* There isn't much I could do. They weren't really breaking any major rules. They just found a new rule to break like every five minutes... and driving me crazy.
Talking of members complaining, a regular complained that the clock was 5 minutes late. I was going to pass it onto the manager but decided to take care of it myself. As I was asking a taller member to help me, she whispered to another member. You know how you can tell they are talking about you. Than, she mocked me. Are you for real?! Are you seriously 5 years old? Because you sure look like your 40s!
I don't get paid enough to deal with whiney members! In fact, I get paid $7.40.
That brings me to my other matter. I did some figuring and I will be making $400 during the semester. That is without taxes taken out. In other words, it's gonna be TIGHT.
I was really hoping to go to Jackson, Mississippi to run a Half Marathon on January 8th... but I don't think it's possible.
I was looking at my refund from my semester. I could go on the trip and pay about half of my credit card. But... I really wanted to pay my credit card off. So.... I think I am going to not go on the trip and pay off my bills so I no longer have to payments on it which seem to suck all my monthly income.
Okay, time to put my big girl pants on.
I am trying to keep it positive. Even through I would meet some amazing friends for the first time, it will be good to have my bills paid off, have some money to fall back on and it will allow me to get my tattoo, the one I've thought for more than a year, without worries. Maybe one day I can get down there and do the half marathon.
In the meantime, I am considering of doing a half marathon during Spring Break. I should be able to afford it more as my reoccurring bills will be paid off and I'll already have money saved up.
Nonetheless, I am totally bummed.
When I told my mom about all this, she didn't seem all that sad about it. Rather relieved. It's not like she understands my need to travel alone or even run. She didn't even go to my first half marathon. *sigh*
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Yesterday, I had $0.83 in my bank account.
Today, I sold some summer textbooks back and got $45.00.
I put $20.00 of gas in the tank and brought $1.00 scratch off.
I won $18.00.
I brought Subway for $3.15 and there was already $0.14 there. I just kinda looked at it, like, are you for real?!
Than, this doesn't seem like a big deal for some but for me it was. Yesterday I didn't know if I was going to run out of gas on the way to work. It was worrying me. Now, I don't have.
In addition to that, a friend of mine at the Y mentioned he wanted to go to a certain movie but none of his friends would go. I got the feeling he wanted me to go but I couldn't barely tell him I'd go if he pays for me, lol.
I told my friend just last night if I had money, I would go to the Y when he does, and tell him I'd go. Now, I have the money to go, I don't want to go to the Y just to track him down.. life would be so much easier if I had his number. It was just so ironic. I used the textbook sellback money for gas and food. But, I feel like God is saying I can have fun, too. And, even gave me the funds to do so.
I feel very blessed to have gas in my car, food in the refrigerator, and surrounded by friends and family. Things can be always be worse.
Now, I gotta decide. I was going to run today but it's all which usually is great but not when I want to . My choices is to go to the Y and workout OR wait until 7:00 pm tonight and hopefully, I won't lose the motivation to run. I am supposed to have a long run today so I ate pasta yesterday in preparation but now that darn is out, lol.
Monday, August 08, 2011
All my life I have been "good". From counseling, I know I am trying to be perfect. For my parent's to love and adore me. They will if I am perfect, right? Um, not exactly...
When growing up my mom expected me to not fight with my sisters. I never drank or any illegal drugs. I tried to be the best.
Even with my weight loss, I tried to be perfect. I couldn't go over calories, not even 5. I couldn't take a day of rest. Nope. I had to be perfect.
In the last few days, something happened. I no longer have to be perfect.
Or, maybe I don't want to be perfect.
My most recent ex-boyfriend is going to be moving into the halls, FOUR doors from me. We have been chatting and it sounds like he wants to be kinda like friends with benefits. I am seeing no real good coming out of this but the other side of me? Well, they are saying.. do it. Have fun and live, Savannah.
Because you know what? I haven't lived.
I have been hiding behind 100 pounds of extra weight and have held myself back. I haven't dated much, haven't really gone anywhere until I was 23, and really haven't done anything that I wasn't supposed to.
I need to live.
In January, I am going to be getting on an airplane all by myself for the very FIRST time to do a half marathon in Mississippi! Honestly, this is scary for me. To get on a plane alone. To go to a brand new city. To depend on only ME. To meet three Spark Friends.
But, I need to live!
After some thought, I realized I need to explore and see this world with myself or with friends before I can settle down. Part of me wants to date, but the other part, wants to have fun, be adventurous, and LIVE.
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