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Long Blog: Vent on hurtful accusation of being too healthy.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Today, I was grumpy and was venting to my ex online, the one that's moving four doors from me in like two weeks.

I was venting to him about a lot of things going on in my life. One of the things specifically was how my friend keeps calling me weird. Now, usually weird isn't an insult but from her, it is. It doesn't help that whenever my lifestyle such as eating or running, she calls it weird.

It is not weird. It's called being healthy.

Also, I explained that my friends and family pressure me to not be healthy. Ever since I started this journey, I have been fighting for it.

Anyhow, my ex decided this was the appropriate time to talk to me about something that always was an issue when we dating.

So there is no misinterpretation, here is the conversation.

.......

Me:
My friends and family always have... since I changed my lifestyle.
Its something I have to fight for, everyday.
I asked Holly to go with me to get Gu, something I take on my runs, and she called me weird sseveral times.

Ex:
i dont take sides on this topic
but maybe at times too much of a good thing can be a bad thing
im not saying always being healthy is bad

Me:
What do you mean?

Ex:
just that friends , life, your mental well being, 3 things that are equally important
from my perspective

Me:
Ok.

Ex:
you base your life off being health, instead of the other way around
if you feel like you've been unhealthy
if affects your mental well being
i see that as a bad situation , and i know i cant help that

Me:
Its not a bad situation. It basically means I am disappointed in me when I am not doing what i know is best for me

Ex:
to a point being dissapointed is ok
but iv personaly seen you go past that point and it hurts to see that

Me:
Go past what point? That I make myself toe the line?

Ex:
your healthy to be happy, and if you dont feel your being healthy, you dont just get mad at you
yourself*
you get depressed about it
then strive harder than you should to make up for it
some times you can look at it as motivation
but once it gets too bad , its more unhealthy than it is healthy to strive too hard to make up for somthing that wasnt all that bad in the first place

Me:
How I live is not unhealthy. Im sorry you think I am being unhealthy but I deal with it all the ways I know how.

Ex:
.....
your really just picked out the negative of everything i said that
there
and threw out everything else

Me:
No, I get it. You're concerned that I a having an eating disorder.

Ex:
lol

Me:
I'm not.

Ex:
not in the least bit
im just worried that at times when your depression gets the worst of you, that you strive to hard to work it out completely through trying to be more healthy
and at times that can turn unhealty
nothing more nothing less
in and of itself, with the negative side , aside , i see you as a very strong willed and healthy woman and at times i envy your will power

Me:
Thats how I deal with my depression. My depression wasnt something I picked.
Thanks, Nick.

Ex:
And im honestly sorry if you felt that was offencive at all.... its been something that iv wanted to talk to you about, i feel i needed to say that... even if you just brush it aside
because, i do care about you
as a good friend... and at times more than that

Me:
I know you care about me.
And, in the past, I have picked up on this.
Well, your opinion of it all.

Ex: I'm glad you take it like that hun

.......

After this conversation, I was seriously hurt. I cried. Now, I feel like my feelings have been through the ringer. I just want someone to hug me and tell me it's okay.

It seems like so few people understand how hard I have to fight for this. I am tired of fighting. Why can't they understand I choose to be healthy? I choose to eat healthy and to run because it makes me happy.

For a while, I've kinda thought that I couldn't date someone that hasn't lost a chunk of weight because they couldn't understand the before and after parts of me, which is now meshed.

My counselor thinks there are people out there that can understand and accept my currently lifestyle of eating right and exercise. Like, why I have to do it. (Right now, the guy I like has lost over 100 pounds as well. We are going to share our before photos sometime!)

I'm really wondering if there are people that can accept me. Because, to me, there doesn't seem like there are too many people accepting my lifestyle. I don't need everyone to but I do someone to stand beside me and support it. It would be even better if he had the same lifestyle as I want my kids to have the same lifestyle.

Right now, I cannot wait until I graduate and can surround myself with healthy and mature people.

Wait, why can't I now? I already am starting to form friendships with healthy people at the Y. It'd be great to meet some people from college that are healthy and mature... *sigh*

Okay, enough of all this. Thanks for listening! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JOAN_HEO 8/16/2011 8:56PM

    (((((HUGS)))))

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SHERYLDS 8/16/2011 1:57PM

    after a lifetime of training all I can tell you is ...
==do what feels right to you.
==don't take what others say so seriously (especially when you know you're doing the right things)
==being a little obsessed with doing healthy stuff is a lot better than staying in the habit of doing unhealthy stuff.
==what feels right today may change in how you feel tomorrow...so be like Gumby and enjoy the moment. When it wears off...find another song to dance to

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PATRICIAANN46 8/15/2011 10:09PM

  Hi Savannah..........
Not knowing your Ex, I interpreted what he said as concern for you. But then, I don't know him like you do. How long have you known him? Has he been with you throughout this journey? Has he been supportive in any way?

Then I would go back to what we have talked about in the past. YOU are the only one that you should be worried about. If YOU are happy with what has transpired and with all you have accomplished; that is the main thing. This will give you confidence and this will show in everything you do. You work at a fitness club where most of the members are there to improve their health as you are. You just might meet someone there. If not, you are almost finished with school and you have opportunities coming up that you don't even know about yet, where you will meet many more people. He is out there.........and you are young and will find him. I know you will!!!!!

Now, relax, have a great Senior year and stay true to yourself.

P.

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HEALTHYASHLEY 8/15/2011 2:07PM

    I really think you took it totally out of context and heard what you wanted to hear. He sounded like he was being supportive and worrying about you. I can be overly sensitive and do that too when I feel like I am being attacked. From an objective standpoint it really looked like you were projecting what you feel and worry about on him and not listening to what he really said.

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ERIKA05 8/15/2011 2:00PM

    From reading the exchange, it seems like your ex honestly meant well, but it definitely came across badly and I can understand why you'd be hurt. From his point of view, he cares about you and doesn't want to see you beat yourself up.

BUT.... High expectations and high personal standards sometimes *require* that you give yourself a swift kick in the a$$. If you want more, you have to demand more - of yourself, of your body, and of the people around you. There is nothing wrong with expecting the best from yourself. NOTHING. If his biggest criticsm is that you channel any regrets you have from a bad fitness/nutrition choice on Tuesday into making 2 better choices on Wednesday, well... screw that!
emoticon
Don't let the haters get you down!

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FUNFROG79 8/15/2011 9:43AM

    Stay strong! You know you are on the right path and you will be happier and healthier for it! Keep striving to be your best!

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ERLYWA 8/14/2011 11:11PM

    Savannah,
I don't know your ex, or your friend either, but I recently blogged about a friend's lack of support myself. I do think a lot of people feel threatened when we start to make positive changes in our lives, b/c it highlights things in THEIR lives that they wish they were changing. People are far more comfortable with the status quo even if it's not a happy, healthy status quo. Change is difficult, and when you make positive change like you have, you will really find out who your real friends are....

Hey, what's this about a guy you like? We talked about our "knights in shining armor" recently, wondering together when they would show up, and you were hiding one all along? LOL! Tell me about your knight so I can live vicariously through you! LOL!!

Hang in there, girl. Try not to let the naysayers get to you, b/c you are simply fabulous! :)

Erika

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CRISSYCURRY 8/14/2011 10:30PM

    Savannah, I don't know you that well so I can't comment as far as how your personality really is. However, I don't see your ex as attacking you. Then again, I don't know him either. All I can go off of is what you have posted. It's not your healthy lifestyle that he has a problem with; it's your reaction to the disappointment in yourself that he is concerned with. At least that's what I'm reading into this.

I have struggled with depression my entire life and was on antidepressants the majority of the time from 18 years old through 31 years old, so I do understand depression. However, I don't let it define who I am. I do have bouts with it, especially, like you, when I've made terrible choices and the scales reflect it. I let it affect my moods. Sometimes I feel that I need to hide the scales and weigh only once per month. Then there are times where I feel that I am borderline exercise bulimic. I eat really bad but then I'll work out for 2 hours as sort of a "penance" for bad eating.

I don't know, I guess I don't see it as him accusing you of being too healthy as much as it is on being too hard on yourself. There is a difference. I'm speaking from experience here because I'm the same way, and my friends are concerned about me too. I don't feel that they are attacking my healthy lifestyle. They are just concerned that I might take things too far at times, ya know?

Anyway, I hope you don't take my comments the wrong way. All I can comment on is what I see here, and to me, it doesn't look like an attack. It looks like concern. But then again, you know him and you know what his motives are.

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HDHAWK 8/14/2011 10:12PM

    Every time I lose weight or say I'm going to start losing (again) someone has to comment. It's their way of being jealous and wanting to keep you the way you are now. They feel guilty if they aren't doing the same things. I found that I need to just do what I need to do and not talk about it unless I'm asked. When I lost a lot of weight a couple years ago I think people got sick of hearing about it. You get excited about your accomplishments and want to talk about them. Sharing them here is a good place because we get it! Do what you need to do, for you!

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PURPLESPEDCOW 8/14/2011 8:14PM

    You will find people who are living the healthy lifestyle you have chosen. Your family will begin to understand the new you. I see you as an inspiration. Hold on to what you have accomplished. Never give up who you have become.

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EGRAMMY 8/14/2011 7:56PM

    They tell people in AA, OA etc to find friends and go places that have your new outlook.
Remember The Spark tells us that overweight freinds bring overweight friends. The opposite is true too. Healthy friends bring healthy friends. Enjoy them.

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TERRIPAL1 8/14/2011 7:38PM

    My goodness your doing something wonderful & have to defend yourself seriously!

It sounds like you know what you're doing so just be happy with all your accomplishments,cause it sounds great to me emoticon emoticon

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LEIGHWOMAN 8/14/2011 7:26PM

    Its hard when you're around people who have never had to (or chosen to) take control of that aspect of their life. As someone who has had to fight with it throughout my entire 30 years, married to someone who really doesn't give two thoughts about it, it does create some tension at times. But your counselor is right - there are people out there who will appreciate your journey and accept you for you - but they're the people who will not care whether you're fat or skinny or tall or short or cranky on your period. They are going to appreciate for who you are on the inside, and how this journey has helped you to become who you are.

The thing is - the majority of people in college are not really all that mature yet. They are few and far between in my experience!

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Bummed - No More MS Trip!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Today, when my alarm when off at 5:30 am, I thought about quitting my job. But, I managed to roll out of bed and get going. I was rewarded with this view on the way to work.




I was starting to get in a better mood. If I had to be at work, I might as well put on a happy face. emoticon Talking with member do that to me.

About 1 pm, the youth group that meets in the gym finished and I suddenly had kid after kid in the Wellness Center, where I am in charge of. No kids under age 16 are allowed in the WC without a signed form by a physician. This was stressful. Telling kids with attitude that they need to leave. emoticon

Three boys could stay because they had the form signed previously. They were a headache. Didn't want to use a spotter for doing the bench press. Kept banging the weights. emoticon

Finally, the Y was closing so it meant my day was over. As I was talking to the Staff on Duty before leaving for the day, she said that members came down and complained. *sigh* There isn't much I could do. They weren't really breaking any major rules. They just found a new rule to break like every five minutes... and driving me crazy.

Talking of members complaining, a regular complained that the clock was 5 minutes late. I was going to pass it onto the manager but decided to take care of it myself. As I was asking a taller member to help me, she whispered to another member. You know how you can tell they are talking about you. Than, she mocked me. Are you for real?! Are you seriously 5 years old? Because you sure look like your 40s!

I don't get paid enough to deal with whiney members! In fact, I get paid $7.40.

That brings me to my other matter. I did some figuring and I will be making $400 during the semester. That is without taxes taken out. In other words, it's gonna be TIGHT.

I was really hoping to go to Jackson, Mississippi to run a Half Marathon on January 8th... but I don't think it's possible.

I was looking at my refund from my semester. I could go on the trip and pay about half of my credit card. But... I really wanted to pay my credit card off. So.... I think I am going to not go on the trip emoticon and pay off my bills so I no longer have to payments on it which seem to suck all my monthly income.


Source: thedailyrecord.com/generationjd/file
s/2010/05/crying-baby-0509-s2-99576567
.jpg


Okay, time to put my big girl pants on.

I am trying to keep it positive. Even through I would meet some amazing friends for the first time, it will be good to have my bills paid off, have some money to fall back on and it will allow me to get my tattoo, the one I've thought for more than a year, without worries. Maybe one day I can get down there and do the half marathon.

In the meantime, I am considering of doing a half marathon during Spring Break. I should be able to afford it more as my reoccurring bills will be paid off and I'll already have money saved up.

Nonetheless, I am totally bummed.

When I told my mom about all this, she didn't seem all that sad about it. Rather relieved. It's not like she understands my need to travel alone or even run. She didn't even go to my first half marathon. *sigh*

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MSJULES01 8/18/2011 3:46PM

    Hang in there. I hope that you find the right one to run during spring break.

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FUNFROG79 8/15/2011 9:37AM

    Sorry to hear that you are bummed, hang in there though! We are here for you!

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PATRICIAANN46 8/14/2011 6:58PM

  Hi Savannah........
Oh, how you bring back memories of being in college. I was broke ALL THE TIME!!!!! I think that you are wise to pay off your bills first. There may be other chances to run that will come up........and maybe they will be closer to you.
Keep smiling..........
Patti

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DELERIOUS64 8/14/2011 5:22PM

    A non runner will never understand our desire to run a race or our disappointment over not being able to. I understand how upset you must be but you will feel so much better about yourself if you get your finances in order first. Hang in there!

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LEAHOBI 8/14/2011 10:23AM

    Just a suggestion, but maybe you could run your marathon for some kind of cause? I would be willing to send money to support you. And I am sure that others would too. emoticon emoticon

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 8/13/2011 11:32PM

    WOW. I wish you could find a job that paid more than that! That's tough! I think you've made the right decision. Having financial peace means a lot. emoticon

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Stolen from ASHBASH24

Friday, August 12, 2011

Put your music player on shuffle.
Press forward for each question.
Use the song title as the answer to the question.
No cheating!

How am I feeling today?
Ain't Nothing 'Bout You


Will I get far in life?
Jolene


How do my friends see me?
Cool to be a Fool by Blake Shelton

Where will I get married?
Did I Shave My Leg's For This by Deanna Carter

What is my best friend's theme song?
King of the Road

What is the story of my life?
You Can't Take the Country Out of Me

What is/was high school like?
Sober by P!nk
(Seem pretty appropriate for me!)

How can I get ahead in life?
All Star by Shrek Soundtrack

What is the best thing about me?
No Air - Glee Cast

How is today going to be?
Perfect World by Simple Plan

What is in store for this weekend?
Imma Be by Black Eyed Peas

How is my life going?
Thank You by Simple Plan
(Ironically this is happening with a friend right now!)

What song will they play at my funeral?
Ol' Red by Blake Shelton

How does the world see me?
Raise Your Glass by P!nk

Will I have a happy life?
Murder on Music Row by George Straight

What do my friends really think of me?
Don't Tell Me by Avril Lavigne
LOL!

Do people secretly lust after me?
Don't Think I Won't by Mark Wills

How can I make myself happy?
Keep on Keepin' On by JoJo

What should I do with my life?
Long Time Gone

Will I ever have children?
Blue

What is some good advice for me?
Take Me Away by Avril Lavigne
(I have been saying I need a vacation, lol.)

How will I be remembered?
The Kiss by Chad Brock

What is my signature dancing song?
Only Girl (In the World) by Rihanna

What do I think my current theme song is?
Gone by Kelly Clarkson

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Ticks by Brad Paisley

What type of men/women do you like?
I Like to Move It from Madagascar
(SHERYLDS are you reading this!?!!)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FUNFROG79 8/12/2011 3:22PM

    Fun! Thanks, just did mine!

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God is funny.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Yesterday, I had $0.83 in my bank account.

Today, I sold some summer textbooks back and got $45.00.
I put $20.00 of gas in the tank and brought $1.00 scratch off.
I won $18.00. emoticon
I brought Subway for $3.15 and there was already $0.14 there. I just kinda looked at it, like, are you for real?!

Than, this doesn't seem like a big deal for some but for me it was. Yesterday I didn't know if I was going to run out of gas on the way to work. It was worrying me. Now, I don't have.

In addition to that, a friend of mine at the Y mentioned he wanted to go to a certain movie but none of his friends would go. I got the feeling he wanted me to go but I couldn't barely tell him I'd go if he pays for me, lol.

I told my friend just last night if I had money, I would go to the Y when he does, and tell him I'd go. Now, I have the money to go, I don't want to go to the Y just to track him down.. life would be so much easier if I had his number. It was just so ironic. I used the textbook sellback money for gas and food. But, I feel like God is saying I can have fun, too. And, even gave me the funds to do so.

I feel very blessed to have gas in my car, food in the refrigerator, and surrounded by friends and family. Things can be always be worse.

Now, I gotta decide. I was going to run today but it's all emoticon which usually is great but not when I want to emoticon. My choices is to go to the Y and workout OR wait until 7:00 pm tonight and hopefully, I won't lose the motivation to run. I am supposed to have a long run today so I ate pasta yesterday in preparation but now that darn emoticon is out, lol.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PATRICIAANN46 8/12/2011 12:35PM

  Good things happen to good people Savannah, and you are good people.
Have a great weekend.
emoticon
Patti

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FUNFROG79 8/12/2011 8:58AM

    Great positive blog!

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HANNAHV 8/12/2011 4:34AM

    You are truly blessed emoticon

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 8/11/2011 4:09PM

    It's so nice to see people like you who can see the happy side of things and be so grateful! I needed to see this! What a good example! emoticon emoticon

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HAPPY92003 8/11/2011 3:47PM

    I LOVE it when that happens...miracles really do happen around us everyday....but not everyone stops to notice:)

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GETFIT2LIVE 8/11/2011 3:15PM

    Yes, you CAN have fun, too--how cool to get enough emoticon from selling some emoticon for that? Hurray for those little extra blessings!

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I need to live!

Monday, August 08, 2011

All my life I have been "good". From counseling, I know I am trying to be perfect. For my parent's to love and adore me. They will if I am perfect, right? Um, not exactly...

When growing up my mom expected me to not fight with my sisters. I never drank or any illegal drugs. I tried to be the best.

Even with my weight loss, I tried to be perfect. I couldn't go over calories, not even 5. I couldn't take a day of rest. Nope. I had to be perfect.

In the last few days, something happened. I no longer have to be perfect.

Or, maybe I don't want to be perfect. emoticon

My most recent ex-boyfriend is going to be moving into the halls, FOUR doors from me. We have been chatting and it sounds like he wants to be kinda like friends with benefits. I am seeing no real good coming out of this but the other side of me? Well, they are saying.. do it. Have fun and live, Savannah.

Because you know what? I haven't lived.

I have been hiding behind 100 pounds of extra weight and have held myself back. I haven't dated much, haven't really gone anywhere until I was 23, and really haven't done anything that I wasn't supposed to.

I need to live.

In January, I am going to be getting on an airplane all by myself for the very FIRST time to do a half marathon in Mississippi! Honestly, this is scary for me. To get on a plane alone. To go to a brand new city. To depend on only ME. To meet three Spark Friends.

But, I need to live!

After some thought, I realized I need to explore and see this world with myself or with friends before I can settle down. Part of me wants to date, but the other part, wants to have fun, be adventurous, and LIVE.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GETFIT2LIVE 8/10/2011 2:13PM

    Choose you and what you need to do for yourself; be smart about your choices, but also do not let fear rule your life. So excited for you to do the 1/2 in MS, that is going to be an amazing experience!

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MSJULES01 8/9/2011 7:06PM

    You go Girl...Good luck on the 1/2 marathon.

You have to keep us posted.

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BOJO70 8/9/2011 3:14PM

  LIVE! I didn't start until late too, but when I did I made up for it! I had fun and cried and laughed and enjoyed just living by my own barometer.

One word of caution: I did the FWB thing with a very good friend. We survived it after it ended only because I was too stubborn to give up on the friendship. He thought I would hate him when he found a stable relationship with someone and just thought he would walk away. I wasn't mad. I was happy for him. I wasn't jealous, I knew going in I didn't want to be with him in a long-term capacity. Keep it in perspective and set ground rules for yourself, mentally and emotionally.

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PATRICIAANN46 8/9/2011 2:20PM

  Hi Savannah.........
One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't take the time to do the following 3 things BEFORE I got married.
1. I didn't travel.
2. I didn't live by myself for at least one year.
3. I didn't have my OWN money and spend it the way I wanted to.

I love my husband, but I married him one week after I graduated from college. You are only YOUNG once and never as free. Do what YOU want to and do it FOR YOU, for no one else. Just be very aware of who you do it with so that you don't have regrets that you may have to live with the rest of your life. Well..........I did it again. The last sentence turned me into your mother and you already have one.....sorry.
Have fun!!!
emoticon
Patti

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 8/9/2011 1:01PM

    Whatever you decide to do, as long as you are happy, then it will be fine! Have a blast in Mississippi!

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STRIPEDTIGER 8/9/2011 11:21AM

    Whatever you do, do it for you. Do it because you want to, it's your choice, it's your benefit to reap or your price to pay.

Answer to yourself. If it isn't worth it to you, don't.

You are beholding to no one and you can't make anyone feel how you want them to about your decisions.

I learned this lesson the hard way.

Live to your own standards. emoticon emoticon

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BAILEYS7OF9 8/9/2011 10:26AM

    cool! The MS 1/2 sounds fun! I used to drive to MN all the time by myself for dog shows. emoticon

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ADVENTURE361 8/8/2011 10:46PM

    Travel is its own teacher and you will learn things you never imagined. Your 20s is the right time to do it also. This is the time to travel, learn about yourself and find out who you are. Trust me I traveled to Europe and across the US all thru my 20s and now in my 40s Im glad I did it.
Dont be afraid just be aware of your surroundings and always have a good head on your shoulder. Good luck!

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