Friday, August 05, 2011
I have been struggling of finally reaching my big goal of losing 100#. I thought I would be all but in all actuality I am more like .
I feel like a lost soul.
For the last three years, I have been so focused on my goal but now it seems like it has up and vanished. Like I have no big goal to chip away at. I am used to juggling school, work, running and my personal growth. Just call me Superwoman.
But, what happens when I no longer need to lose weight or work on my personal growth?
Right now, I am at 160. I think I want to get down to 140, a healthy weight, according to BMI calculations. I will still continue to work on my weight loss.. mainly because I am scared of maintenance. This new goal of 140 is more like if I get there, fine. If I don't, that's cool, too.
What if I do gain the weight back?
I am terrified of this. I don't have the same motivation I had in the beginning of my journey. I sure don't want to put all that hard work and effort into it again. Honest, but true. I feel like I was lucky that this happened now rather when I had a full-time career, a significant other, or children. I could figure out ME before taking care of everyone else.
During the last few days, I have sabotaging myself. It's not cool, at all. Yesterday, I ate a whole box of dots.
Okay, let's put this in perspective. Not a huge deal. But, it IS if I keep up this behavior. I think I have been sabotaging myself so I wouldn't have to deal with answering the question: "Now what?" Also, than reaching my goal isn't real.
I know it wasn't entirely self-sabotage but also, partly eating my feelings. I was feeling pretty anxious and lonely last night. I am better now, after going to counseling. Counseling forces me to face the music that I don't want to face alone.
In addition to all this, for some reason, I thought I would be all toned. But, hold up, Savannah, you haven't been strength training. So, that means one of my expectations, having a flat tummy, did not come with the scale saying 160.
I have concluded that I need to strength train more consistent. But, honestly, for me, it is harder to see the results. It is not as easy as stepping on the scale. But, rather I need someone else to take a photo of me. Or, I need to take measurements which cannot be done everyday.
Okay, this was random.. but this is how my thoughts are today.
Monday, August 01, 2011
Recently, I have reached a huge milestone of losing 100#. In the past few days, I have reflected alot about this.
I am going to write about how I have been afraid about reaching this milestone but did it anyway. Why am I writing this? Because I wish someone wrote this for me when I was 250, 200, 170.
So, back to how I was afraid to reach this huge milestone.
"What if I can't?
What if I don't?
What if I do?
Than, what will do?"
This was my basic thought pattern. It was a scary cycle. But, you know, the most scary part was doing it anyhow even though I had no idea what I would look like when I reached it. The professionals says to envision your goal.
But... what if you can't?
I couldn't. I didn't know what 160 looked like because I have never been 160. In fact, when I look in the mirror, I don't see myself as 160. I saw that I was smaller but I still saw ME. Part of me was afraid that ME was going to slip away as soon as I reached the scale said "160". Let me in on a secret it doesn't. I am still the same person I was.
Sure, I have changed.
But, those changes are ones I purposely made with effort and hard work. Everyday. I worked on them. I know they are there. Some magic fairy didn't come along and made an unwanted change in me. No, I changed myself to be who I want to me.
So, what is the lesson in all this?
It is OKAY to be afraid. Really. Accept it. Own it. Work through it. But, whatever you do, do NOT let it own YOU. You are better than the fear.
And, just remember YOU can do this!
Friday, July 29, 2011
It's been some interesting days.
Yesterday after I got home from work, a supervisor calls and tells me that Trace Adkins might stop in and work out. This was oh-so-exciting. Than, my co-worker decided he would work for me. I asked him before Trace Adkins was stopping by. I than decided I'd go to the concert. Than, this morning I saw I couldn't afford to. I was pretty bummed about it.
Than, I checked Facebook. Note to self. Do not go on Facebook in a bumming mood. I than saw my High School crush/best friend was engaged. I am over him. I realized long time ago it was a good thing we didn't have a relationship - we had different paths. It hurt to see he was engaged when I was single as ever. *sigh* I struggle with being single when I see everyone else getting engaged, having new careers, and starting families.
I tried to ignore it and which turned into a . I was being crabby about that, too. I talked to a friend about it and she was ever so kind to listen to me. So, I am okay now.
On the up side, I think I might be meeting ABSOLUTZER0 and LISAINMS in January. They are doing a half marathon in Jackson, MS and I am strongly thinking of joining them! It should be fine as long as I can manage to get the funds, which I really think I should be able to! I was researching the city and it is definitely not my cup of tea... but it will be fun to meet two amazing and even try some southern food!
In other news, I have officially lost 100#! I have try to think of somewhere to reward myself. I don't want to go out to eat, drink or buy new clothes. Why? Because I already have been doing that. I want to do something "special". More and more, I think I am going to get a tattoo so I can be reminded every single day how hard I have worked. Now, I just gotta have the money! Also, at the end of August, I am seeing Reba with my sister, Nicole, and going to the Renaissance Festival with my other sister, Jessica. That is kinda my mini-vacation before classes start again!
Oh! I almost forgot! I am most likely ending my counseling. I have ended it twice before but this time, I think is the final time. There is like nothing else to work on. Besides, it is time to learn how to manage without counseling. Once I graduate in a year, I need to be able to manage it on my own.
So, that is what is up with me for the last few days!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Okay, lately, I have gone blog crazy. Posting, posting, posting. And, than there was a vlog.
But, I am pretty excited so I gotta tell you...
I ran 6.81 miles. For some, this might not be a big deal considering I ran 13.1 miles in the beginning of June. But, since that half marathon I haven't real felt like running. In fact, I haven't been running over 3 or 4 miles. This week, before today, my longest run was 4.35 miles.
Today, I decided to skip church, and sleep in. After I got up, I wasn't "feeling" like running but did it anyhow. As long as I started, I knew it was going to be a good run. I told myself it was okay to go slow. So, I did. I usually take walking breaks but I think I took like two which was abnormal. I usually take like one for every ten minutes but no today.
I planned on giving Gu another chance... to see if it truly works for me. I think I did. I noticed it took 15 minutes before it "kicks" in... just a small note to myself. So, even if I feel great, I need to take it at 45 minutes instead of over 60 minutes like I did today.
Anyhow, today's run just reaffirmed. I am ready. I am ready to train for the Whistlestop Half Marathon that happens in mid-October. After my half marathon in June, I discovered it was the training that was the hardest part... to keep the commitment. It probably helps to know that a few of my friends from college are running. Than, recently, I found Robert, ON2VICTORY, is running it! That did it! I just had to run it! So, in the next month, I hope to sign up and maybe even find some money to stay a hotel there. I wouldn't necessary have to but it would make life easier.
So, it's official. I am back in training!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Here is a fun video of my progress. I will probably do another, a better one, in the next few days.
It seems to be taking forever... I might not be sharing afterall!
Or better yet... just go to YouTube...
First time I posted a vlog and first time I posted on YouTube! WooHoo!
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