Monday, August 08, 2011
All my life I have been "good". From counseling, I know I am trying to be perfect. For my parent's to love and adore me. They will if I am perfect, right? Um, not exactly...
When growing up my mom expected me to not fight with my sisters. I never drank or any illegal drugs. I tried to be the best.
Even with my weight loss, I tried to be perfect. I couldn't go over calories, not even 5. I couldn't take a day of rest. Nope. I had to be perfect.
In the last few days, something happened. I no longer have to be perfect.
Or, maybe I don't want to be perfect.
My most recent ex-boyfriend is going to be moving into the halls, FOUR doors from me. We have been chatting and it sounds like he wants to be kinda like friends with benefits. I am seeing no real good coming out of this but the other side of me? Well, they are saying.. do it. Have fun and live, Savannah.
Because you know what? I haven't lived.
I have been hiding behind 100 pounds of extra weight and have held myself back. I haven't dated much, haven't really gone anywhere until I was 23, and really haven't done anything that I wasn't supposed to.
I need to live.
In January, I am going to be getting on an airplane all by myself for the very FIRST time to do a half marathon in Mississippi! Honestly, this is scary for me. To get on a plane alone. To go to a brand new city. To depend on only ME. To meet three Spark Friends.
But, I need to live!
After some thought, I realized I need to explore and see this world with myself or with friends before I can settle down. Part of me wants to date, but the other part, wants to have fun, be adventurous, and LIVE.
Sunday, August 07, 2011
Okay, I created a strength training program yesterday for myself to get me motivated for strength training, something in which I'd rather hit my head against a brick wall than do.
Than, today I made myself a challenge.
In the challenge document, it has pictures of me in my near nakedness (something you folks won't ever see), but also my measurements for 2009, 2010 and than a spot for where I put the current stats. I did it this way because I get down when I do not lose any inches and I wanted to put a positive spin on it.
Let's look at the stats for the past 3 years, shall we?
Starting weight: 260
Current weight: 160.2
Lost weight: 100 pounds
Total of inches lost: -37.25"
Basically, that is what my waist is currently!
Saturday, August 06, 2011
Thank you everyone for the input on my last blog, "Now what?" Many suggested that I make some goals for strength training. Now this is a great idea.
When my focus was on my weight. It was easy. I just had to pick a number. I focused on each pound, at 10 pounds at a time. I didn't focus on the big picture of losing 100 pounds even through it was in the back of my mind. That would be just too overwhelming. In fact, I didn't even focus on a pant size. I just wanted to be smaller.
In the past, when strength training was a goal, the goal was to just DO it because I despise with such a passion.
I think I need a more specific goal when it comes to strength training. But, I don't know how to create a more specific goal.
Like, how does one measure it?
It does help but how often and who will take these photos? I want to see the toning and you can't do that with clothes on. Getting the drift?
Taking measurements doesn't always show that I am toned. For example, my legs have became more toned since running but they have stayed the same size.
Picking a pant size?
This won't work for me because pant size vary from store to store. In other words, I do not feel like it would be a consistent way to measure. Even brands that I love, I have found are inconsistent.
Aiming to increase the weight I can lift?
Now that might work. I could focus on lifting for the next dumbbell and the next and the next... until I am . This might work because I can focus on a concrete number and it is in my control.
Okay, now that we have figured out how I am going to measure... now I decide how I am going to lift.
In the beginning, I used weight machines. They were fine but now I am incredibly bored by them. I have been trying to learn more about free weights. That seems to be working. I feel like I have been just dipping my toe into it. It's time I get a little more wet with them.
So, I think I am going to make some concrete plans that separate my lifting between muscle group. In other words, it is time to get serious about free weight training.
Also, I seem to like to do things where I can throw things, like medicine balls and kettlebells. So, time to get friendly with google to find new ways to work out with a medicine ball and save my pennies for an unlimited month of kettlebell classes.
One last thing...
I have been doing my strength training after my cardio. Should I keep it there or do it in between my cardio or before cardio? I find if I do it after, I have less motivation. If I do it in between, I tend to lose motivation/time for cardio. If I do it before cardio, I get inpatient for my endorphin high. (And, yes, I am a cardio junkie!)
Okay! I think we got it all figured out... thanks for listening and helping me!
Friday, August 05, 2011
I have been struggling of finally reaching my big goal of losing 100#. I thought I would be all but in all actuality I am more like .
I feel like a lost soul.
For the last three years, I have been so focused on my goal but now it seems like it has up and vanished. Like I have no big goal to chip away at. I am used to juggling school, work, running and my personal growth. Just call me Superwoman.
But, what happens when I no longer need to lose weight or work on my personal growth?
Right now, I am at 160. I think I want to get down to 140, a healthy weight, according to BMI calculations. I will still continue to work on my weight loss.. mainly because I am scared of maintenance. This new goal of 140 is more like if I get there, fine. If I don't, that's cool, too.
What if I do gain the weight back?
I am terrified of this. I don't have the same motivation I had in the beginning of my journey. I sure don't want to put all that hard work and effort into it again. Honest, but true. I feel like I was lucky that this happened now rather when I had a full-time career, a significant other, or children. I could figure out ME before taking care of everyone else.
During the last few days, I have sabotaging myself. It's not cool, at all. Yesterday, I ate a whole box of dots.
Okay, let's put this in perspective. Not a huge deal. But, it IS if I keep up this behavior. I think I have been sabotaging myself so I wouldn't have to deal with answering the question: "Now what?" Also, than reaching my goal isn't real.
I know it wasn't entirely self-sabotage but also, partly eating my feelings. I was feeling pretty anxious and lonely last night. I am better now, after going to counseling. Counseling forces me to face the music that I don't want to face alone.
In addition to all this, for some reason, I thought I would be all toned. But, hold up, Savannah, you haven't been strength training. So, that means one of my expectations, having a flat tummy, did not come with the scale saying 160.
I have concluded that I need to strength train more consistent. But, honestly, for me, it is harder to see the results. It is not as easy as stepping on the scale. But, rather I need someone else to take a photo of me. Or, I need to take measurements which cannot be done everyday.
Okay, this was random.. but this is how my thoughts are today.
Monday, August 01, 2011
Recently, I have reached a huge milestone of losing 100#. In the past few days, I have reflected alot about this.
I am going to write about how I have been afraid about reaching this milestone but did it anyway. Why am I writing this? Because I wish someone wrote this for me when I was 250, 200, 170.
So, back to how I was afraid to reach this huge milestone.
"What if I can't?
What if I don't?
What if I do?
Than, what will do?"
This was my basic thought pattern. It was a scary cycle. But, you know, the most scary part was doing it anyhow even though I had no idea what I would look like when I reached it. The professionals says to envision your goal.
But... what if you can't?
I couldn't. I didn't know what 160 looked like because I have never been 160. In fact, when I look in the mirror, I don't see myself as 160. I saw that I was smaller but I still saw ME. Part of me was afraid that ME was going to slip away as soon as I reached the scale said "160". Let me in on a secret it doesn't. I am still the same person I was.
Sure, I have changed.
But, those changes are ones I purposely made with effort and hard work. Everyday. I worked on them. I know they are there. Some magic fairy didn't come along and made an unwanted change in me. No, I changed myself to be who I want to me.
So, what is the lesson in all this?
It is OKAY to be afraid. Really. Accept it. Own it. Work through it. But, whatever you do, do NOT let it own YOU. You are better than the fear.
And, just remember YOU can do this!
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