Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Thank you for all the kind, supportive comments and voting for my blog, "That's Not Fair" as a popular post.
There were a few points that people have brought up that I wanted to address.
Many people said she was envious. I completely agree. I understand being jealous. Who can't? We've all been there. With that said, I do not find it is not okay to say snide, hurtful remarks.
The last couple days she has been getting ready for a humanitarian trip in where she will be in east Asia for ten days. I imagine she is stressed. In the days, I hung out with her, I felt like she was more irritable and it made me wonder if she may could have been going through a bipolar flare up.
In addition to jealously, some mentioned talking to her hurtful comment. Now, this is a great idea except she is leaving town for three weeks (she went home for a week to visit family before leaving for Asia). I feel like if I bring it up now, it will add to her stress. If I bring it up when she comes back, I will be making a mountain out of a mole hole. It will be better for all of us if I find a way to let it go. Still working on this.
Others were upset that I was criticizing her for where I once was. I was hurt by her comment. Like I said before, it's her choice to eat what she wants. Yes, I would love to see her eat healthier but it is HER choice. I don't say comments because I feel it is not my place to do so. Also, I remember exactly how it felt to want to lose weight but wasn't in the right place at the time. When we go out, she understands I am getting water and I am getting a salad. Most the time she respects it. It's just other times I feel guilty because I am making her feel guilty.
In the past, we have talked about pop addiction and we have gone for walks together. So, I guess, slowly I am rubbing off on my friends and family.
In addition to all this, some suggested that I should weed my garden. In other words, let it go as a friend. Recently, I have had to do this with a different friend. I am happier. But, this friend I feel she is a good friend. She listens to me whenever I need someone to listen to. I feel she is fairly supportive of my weight loss. In fact, when we went shopping once, I thought I fit into a size 8. Later I found out it was a size 12 - talk about disappointment, lol! Anyhow, she was the first to start the hugging party and to tell the clerk. I tell to shy away to telling people about my weight loss. I guess what I am saying it is not fair to judge her on this one mishap. No one is perfect. I think sometimes I seem to have SO much fun losing weight, working out and eating right that she doesn't see my struggles.
So, with all this said, please know she is a good friend and I wrote in anger and hurt. We all need a place to vent and for me, Sparkpeople is that place!
Thanks everyone for commenting, and listening. It has really helped me!
Monday, May 23, 2011
"That's not fair."
Tonight, after being persuaded to go out to Perkins when 1) I didn't feel like company and 2) I couldn't afford it, I was telling my friend that I got down to 164 point something.
That is what she said.
"That's not fair."
She quickly covered it up.
This is after she persuaded me to go.
This is after I ordered a salad.
This is after she ordered soda to drink.
Now, don't get me wrong.. eat whatever you want. That is YOUR business. I don't care until YOU tell ME it is unfair that I keep losing weight.
Excuse, but what is SO unfair about this?
Is it the part that work out everyday?
Is it the part that I try to order water consistently?
Is it the part that I am running more than I ever have in my life?
Which part of this is UNFAIR to YOU?
Seriously, which part?
To put the icing on the cake, I was guilt tripped into going. And, the more I think about all of it, it royally ticks me off. And, even more, hurts me.
So, it all started when she came to MY room to ask me to go out to eat. Now, I have been friends with her BEFORE I started losing weight TWO years ago.
She knows the drill.
She knows I order water.
She knows I will most likely get a salad. (As she pointedly gave me the salad menu tonight.)
Anyhow, I was like I don't care where we eat and in the next breath she is excusing me of basically saying I don't care but than when she suggests somewhere to eat, she suggests fried food, I suggest somewhere else. I know it seems like I am being difficult. Hello, I have been doing this for two years, and she can't get it that I don't care where we eat as long as they have healthy choices?!!! I'm sorry Applebee's half priced appetizers are not calorie friendly.
It's really sad 'cuz my family is getting it (and I am rubbing off on them) and one of my best friends even gets it. I don't care what THEY get, honestly. Sure, I'd love for them to eat healthy but I also know how it feels like not choosing that lifestyle... yet. Fine. But, don't judge me on MY lifestyle, the way I choose to eat.
Maybe she feels guilty. She says comments. I try to brush them off. Tonight, it was just that much harder. Sure, I want to order the things that are terrible for me but...
It means SO much more to know I have lost nearly 100#.
It means SO much more to know I CAN run 8 miles.. and eventually, longer!
It means SO much more to know I CAN teach my children a healthy lifestyle!
So, which part of this is unfair to her?! Which part?
Because, you know what?
I work my BUTT off every single day. It's not easy. No one said it would be. Besides, nothing worth having is easy!
Everyday I struggle to eat right.
Everyday I struggle to keep my workout fresh and want to!
Everyday I struggle to accept this new me.
You know what? I deserve this. I deserve everything reward of losing this weight... because I worked my BUTT off, every single day.
Could someone please tell me which part of this is unfair to HER?
Monday, May 09, 2011
I feel fat.
Really. It is that simple. It doesn't matter that I am not "fat" but rather that I FEEL fat. I hate feeling fat. Why? Well, because that is why I started losing weight.
I have been eating out alot lately and it needs to stop. For awhile at least. It's not good for my wallet nor my waist line nor my self esteem. I feel gross and bloated nearly every time, never mind, guilty. I really enjoy the company... but we may need to find new activities. I know I could be strict with myself.. but the thing is.. I splurge like EVERY time. Not okay. In the beginning, it was oh, it was okay.. it's just once and a while.. and now it seems like ALL the time!
I am going to go on a cleanse of sorts (or try to). I think I am going to try to not go out to eat until the end of May. Even thinking about it, it sounds hard. It shouldn't be. It's three weeks?
Also, I want to try to go out for only "special occasions". But, what are special occasions? Thursday I went out to eat because a friend I have seen for a month or so came up to visit. Tonight I went out to celebrate a trip being paid for and her senior thesis being completed. I will have work on that kink.
In addition to that, I think I am going to start calorie counting again. Honestly, I hate it. I beat myself up about going over 100 calories... I know it's not a big deal but tell that to the side of me that wants to be "perfect" ALL the time. I know, I know. I can't be perfect... but that doesn't stop me from WANTING to be perfect and do everything perfect. Anyways, I am hoping it will keep me on track since I am faltering.
This summer those TEN little pounds ARE coming off! One way or another!!!
Sunday, May 08, 2011
Starting a new program can be very overwhelming. Ask all the new people to this site and how overwhelming a lifestyle change can be. There are all these Do's and Don'ts. When I started training for my half marathon, it was no different. It was do this or don't do that.
In the last few weeks, I have become overwhelmed by all the "rules". I didn't realize that training was so much more than just running. I not only had to watch what nutrients that were being put into my body, I now had to make sure I was getting electrolytes back into my body. If that wasn't enough, I had to worry about trying a "snack" 45 minutes into my long runs. But, the "snack" couldn't be just anything. Nope. It needs to be 15 grams of carbs for every hour or something like that.
What happened to running for the love of it?!
I am trying to put the fun back into it by finding new routes and that helps alot. Also, I am experimenting with protein shakes because, you see, my appetite has been CRAZY. I just want all the junk food in sight. The healthy food has NO appeal! If that doesn't help curve my appetite, I have decided to try new recipes.
Because of this, I am not sure if I will do another half, honestly. I just want to show up to the race. I don't want to worry about my long runs every week. I don't want to worry about not eating enough carbs or even what to eat during my long runs. I just wanna run.
Does this mean I am a runner? Perhaps.
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