Tuesday, April 05, 2011
Since Sunday or so, I have felt I have been struggling with life. In fact, I have been super anxious. I always wonder if people around me can tell.. but sometimes, honestly, it feels like I am twitching out.
In the last few days, I feel like it has been some unsupportive comments that were said about my 1/2 marathon training. Of course, they were from my mother. Basically, they can be summed up as doubt that I will complete it.
On Sunday, I tried to hide from these comments. So much, that I took a nap from 6:30 pm until the next morning. Than, on Monday, I ignored them. Even today, during my counseling session, I didn't bring them up.
But, it came out during the . Every time I walked, it felt like she was right, I couldn't do this. Honestly, it was a really hard run, mentally. It was like she was in my head and I couldn't get her out. In fact, a few times I got teared up. The last time was when I was thinking about my mom than I thought of the most supportive person I know which is not a family member. When I focused on the supportive person, running became SO easy. When I focused on my mom, I might as well had lead in my legs.
You know, when I started to lose weight, I didn't tell my family for most of the summer. I even avoided going home. I think I might need to do that again.. but with running. *sigh* On my run, I thought about how I am not sure if I want to share this with my family.
It is sure an interesting thought... for years, I have dying to get my parents approval and make my family proud. Now, I am not sure if I want to share my life with them. They just tear it down, it seems.
Training Day: Week 4, Day 1
Distance: 4 miles
Pace: 13 min/mile
Conditions: 45` and fighting the wind
Friday, April 01, 2011
Today is my birthday!
For the past few years, I have not enjoyed my birthday. Honestly, it was kinda depressing and lonely.
But, today was different.
It has been very relaxing... basically lots of laughter, hanging out with good friends, and taking care of me.. aka working out!
This has been lovely and continue to be... but I think what may be icing on this birthday cake for me is some weight loss milestones.
Recently, I brought a size 10 jeans and they were even a bit loose. In the last week, I have been nervous that I may have gained a few pounds as I haven't been weighing myself this week. In fact, the scale got grounded to the car. It might stay there until after my 1/2 marathon. Af
A woman that I worked for did a double take. Apparently, lately some people aren't sure if that is me! Love it!
When I walked into the cafeteria, I noticed this guy telling his friends about my weight loss. How do I know? Well, I guess I don't but it felt like it. They were staring at me and the guy that I have talked to about his own weight loss was doing the talking. I guess you could just say it is woman's intuition!
Tonight, I am going out to eat to my favorite restaurant than tomorrow work, than off to the casino. Wish me luck!!!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
It's official!!! I have signed up for my FIRST Half Marathon!
Even through I am in week 3 and have been telling everyone in sight that I am running my FIRST 1/2 marathon, I got nervous after it was paid for it. Now, it is set in stone.
I feel like training has been going pretty well. I implemented the short run, starting yesterday. My legs were achy-tired from the 4 mile run on Tuesday and the 2 mile run yesterday but I felt I could do the 3 miles today. I even made a pact with myself... if my pace was a bit more tired than usual, that was okay. By the way, I ran at a pace of 11/12.. apparently earlier this week wasn't a fluke!
So, I ran and ran and ran... only had to take ONE (?) walking break. That walking break was when a New Foundland (a big fluffy dog) ran out at me. Mind you, since this is an old route, I knew he was friendly. In fact, he has walked with me some before. But, I thought me running with big dog running after me was a recipe for disaster so I slowed to a walk. The master came out and called the dog. Off running I go.
When I almost finished the 2 mile loop, my feet apparently decided not to work or something. I tripped. Mind you, I have never fell when running but I did today, the day I paid for my 1/2 marathon training. Go figure! To top it off, a car stopped to see if I was okay. Um, thank you but... how embarrassing!
Anyhow, I jogged like two steps. My ankle was a bit sore so I decided to not do the last mile. Than, I looked at my knee. A bit bloody. Not to be gross, but some skin was on the inside of my running capris. Eeww!
The ankle will be fine and I am sure I should be able to run come Sunday. No worries. But, that was my running day after signing up!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Sometimes, I get stressed out about my job... but, tonight was not one of those days. Nope, tonight is one of those nights where I LOVE my job.
First, one of the supervisors told me that she heard I was a weight loss "success" story. Really?! Me?
I am still working on my goal... but I guess so.
She asked what was my ultimate goal and I explained I was on a mental plateau. After telling her that I am training for a 1/2 marathon. She was like.. you are more mental strong than I am.
Than, a few hours later, I was walking through the Wellness Center and BAM! there is a member where a shirt that says Sparkpeople on it! I am not sure if anyone has experienced this, but it was like I instantly had a friend. I knew nothing of this person. In fact, I asked his username before I asked his name.
To say the least, I had a GREAT day! I guess this week I have been feeling like I have my whole life ahead of me and lots to achieve. Also, I am right where I am supposed to be.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Why is it so hard for some parents to give and show love to their children?
Is it really so hard to hug them?
Is it really so hard to say, "I am proud of you."?
Is it really so hard to support them in their endeavors?
Is it really so hard to acknowledge them overcoming obstacles?
Apparently, it is!
On Friday, it is my birthday. I turn 25. It is tradition in my family that after 18, my parents will take us out. Of us three girls, I live the closest. Last year, I had to fight for my parents to come up to where I live while my friend's parents will travel four or five hours but mine cannot drive 60 minutes!
Anyhow, for the last two weeks, I have been asking my parents if they are coming up. My dad kept him-hawing. He wanted to come up on Monday, the day I work until 7 pm. I told them any afternoon on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. And, my mom in the last couple days have been saying it is just too complicated. Well, what is so complicated about that?
So, I figured it might be easier for them to just pay for my 1/2 marathon registration that I have yet to pay. Today when my mom and I were talking about it, she didn't want to do it because it would be a "gift". What is taking me out to supper than?! If she left it at that, that would be another thing.. but she didn't. She is like, "If we pay for it, you better use it for registration." And, furthermore emphasized for me to pay for registration.. Than, went onto say, "That I better do the 1/2 marathon" like I won't be doing it.
I want to tell them to just forget about it.
Forget my birthday.
Forget doing something for me.
Just forget it.
The thing is if we waited until I came home, I would still be stressed out as we'd most likely go to a restaurant with poor nutrition choices and I'd be forced to eat something deep fried. I'm just not feeling it...
I guess it was just the fact that she made the comment that I better do it than. I just do not understand why she cannot be proud of me. I have done alot with my life and I just want them proud.
Sure, I am not skinny like my sister was or got straight As like my other sister did.. but, what about.. overcoming my learning disability, and apraxia or managing my depression or even losing 90#. These are not done everyday. It really hurts that they will never be proud of me.
For those that have children...
Tell them you ARE proud.
Hug them everyday.
Do not assume they know how you feel. Remind them every single day!
I hope I can do this with my own children.
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