Monday, March 28, 2011
Why is it so hard for some parents to give and show love to their children?
Is it really so hard to hug them?
Is it really so hard to say, "I am proud of you."?
Is it really so hard to support them in their endeavors?
Is it really so hard to acknowledge them overcoming obstacles?
Apparently, it is!
On Friday, it is my birthday. I turn 25. It is tradition in my family that after 18, my parents will take us out. Of us three girls, I live the closest. Last year, I had to fight for my parents to come up to where I live while my friend's parents will travel four or five hours but mine cannot drive 60 minutes!
Anyhow, for the last two weeks, I have been asking my parents if they are coming up. My dad kept him-hawing. He wanted to come up on Monday, the day I work until 7 pm. I told them any afternoon on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. And, my mom in the last couple days have been saying it is just too complicated. Well, what is so complicated about that?
So, I figured it might be easier for them to just pay for my 1/2 marathon registration that I have yet to pay. Today when my mom and I were talking about it, she didn't want to do it because it would be a "gift". What is taking me out to supper than?! If she left it at that, that would be another thing.. but she didn't. She is like, "If we pay for it, you better use it for registration." And, furthermore emphasized for me to pay for registration.. Than, went onto say, "That I better do the 1/2 marathon" like I won't be doing it.
I want to tell them to just forget about it.
Forget my birthday.
Forget doing something for me.
Just forget it.
The thing is if we waited until I came home, I would still be stressed out as we'd most likely go to a restaurant with poor nutrition choices and I'd be forced to eat something deep fried. I'm just not feeling it...
I guess it was just the fact that she made the comment that I better do it than. I just do not understand why she cannot be proud of me. I have done alot with my life and I just want them proud.
Sure, I am not skinny like my sister was or got straight As like my other sister did.. but, what about.. overcoming my learning disability, and apraxia or managing my depression or even losing 90#. These are not done everyday. It really hurts that they will never be proud of me.
For those that have children...
Tell them you ARE proud.
Hug them everyday.
Do not assume they know how you feel. Remind them every single day!
I hope I can do this with my own children.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Yesterday my status was: "THECRAZYMANGO has crossed over to the emotional eating side... "
Let me explain...
I was really down, lonely, and missing people. [Today is the last day of Spring Break.] My friend asked if I wanted to go out to eat before some other birthday festivities that were supposed to happen. Sure, sounds like fun. Almost immediately I was thinking about drowning my loneliness in Applebee's lava cake. I didn't get lava cake.. but I did get a drink, wings, and a brownie bite. Okay, not exactly the lowest in calories.
So, why didn't blog about my feelings?
Well, it's not exactly positive stuff. If I can help it, I like to put out positive energy rather negative energy, especially in a positive place like Sparkpeople.
So, what what was my deal?
I guess "my deal" was a few things. The primarily was that I have been stressing about my job at the YMCA. I love what I do but how management operates really needs a reality check. Basically, I feel like my boss is telling me to play games with the night supervisor... oh wait, she did, in an email. Above all other things, I really cannot stand games of any sort. I feel games are very manipulative on people. They are just not right. Anyhow, I have been seriously considering quitting. I don't want to work for people like that. There are some leadership positions that I am going to apply for. If I get it, I will quit. Also, if I quit, I know I will miss the members that I chat with on a regular basis. Any advice on this front?
Another thing I was dealing with is just overall grumpiness. My spring break, honestly, kinda sucked. I worked until Tuesday afternoon. I was going to go home on Wednesday but than the blizzard happened. I had to work on Saturday so it didn't make sense to go home Wednesday afternoon to only return. I guess I was grumpy, more or less, because I couldn't go home to see my parents. I haven't seen them since New Year's.
They were going to take me to supper but they'd have to drive a hour away. With gas prices, I realized how expensive this could be for them. I have been procrastinating with paying my 1/2 marathon registration so I told them they could pay it instead of supper. At first, my dad said that he didn't want to do that and he'd rather see me. Oh. Okay. So, I started to get excited than they told me last night because it was so complicated (when it really wasn't) with our schedules that'd pay for my registration. Kinda disappointed that I won't be seeing my parents for another month. *sigh* But, I will have registration paid for. Woo-hoo!
Another thing that was added to this emotional pot was how I am dreading tomorrow. Everyone is going to be like I went here and here... and you know what? I don't want to hear it. Also, I am dreading to going to the class with the cheater situation. One of them asked me to move back to where they are sitting 'cuz I moved. I said I'd think about it. Well, I thought about it. And, I don't wanna! *stomps foot* I am just nervous that she will make some side comments like she did last time.
Okay... so that's that!
If you made it through that negative storm, I do have positive news for you!
I am having a good day and started going to church again. When I started dating my ex, it kinda just fell to the roadside. I forgot how much love those people give. When I go, I feel like I can soak up the love. In fact, at one point, we go around saying Hi and hugging. Yup, I hug strangers.
After feeling all loved, I went for my long run... which finished week two of my training! YES! It didn't seem all that long (it was 4 miles) but I know as I get more into training, I will have longer runs.
For the rest of the day, I cleaned my room. It was starting to look like a tornado touched down. Not okay with me!
So my plans for this week...
-Do my short run on Wednesday outside [It is supposed to be around 45]
-Officially register for my 1/2 marathon
-Turn 25 on Friday
-Go to the casino on Saturday
Have a wonderful week everyone!
Friday, March 25, 2011
Lately, I have been examining the support in my life. Honestly, before coming to Sparkpeople, it was majorly slacking. In fact, I know support has been essential for me in this journey and could have not came as far I have if it has not been my friends here on Sparkpeople.
Even through my family has never seen me at a race, more and more, I realize my friends are very supportive of me.
In fact, I have a friend that runs the CASDA 5K with me every year. In the beginning, it started because it was my first race and now we just run it together. We don't really hang out anymore but we run it together.
Another friend of mine, last July took pictures of me. These are the first photos I have of me running at a 5K.
Tonight, I was hanging out at Perkins with LORIBELLZ. My training came up as I looking through my old running magazines for phrases to put on a motivational board. She mentioned she is going to try to be there with a big sign saying "Go Savannah Go" with a big foam finger. I have never had anyone cheer for me. I am not sure what would make me more happy.. having friends cheering me on or completing the 1/2 marathon!
In that moment, I realized how very lucky I was to have the good friends I do have in my life. They are always supportive of me and want to help cheer me on to succeed. This means so much to me!
If you have ever cheered me on...
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Okay, this is something I should have written a few years ago when I started this journey. But, honestly, I never believed in myself or getting to my ultimate weight loss goal of 100# so I didn't bother to examine what my expectations were.
Maybe it was the fact that my family was not supportive of me. Sometimes it is hard to believe in yourself when you are surrounded by people that do not believe in you! Since joining Sparkpeople, I was surrounded by caring, supportive people. Without them, I am not sure I could have made it this far.
Now that I have nearly made it to my ultimate goal, I have been in panic mode for most of March. But, why? I have been working for the last two years for this, why am I suddenly afraid? Am I afraid that I won't meet my expectations? Did I even have expectations?
Yup, I did.
These are really the main ones that I know I am still struggling with. I know they won't magically happen just because the little mechanical scale says 160. Wouldn't that be nice?! Ha! They are measurements that is MORE important than any scale will ever be.
TONED like advertised in magazines.
ACCEPTANCE by friends and family.
LOVE myself unconditionally.
Did I really just say they are more important than the scale? Acceptance is really that important to me? It is so important to me that I am going to measure it by what someone else thinks of me? I need to re-think that!
What about my other achievements and obstacles I have overcome? Do they mean nothing to me?
Back to the thinking box...
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I have been on Spring Break for a few days but today was the first day I actually felt on vacation.
Oh, wait. I lied.
I guess it felt like I was on vacation on Friday when I went to Olive Garden and shopping. I had an amazing time. We didn't buy much but I laughed alot... totally what I needed!
Than, from Saturday to Tuesday, I worked. Than, after working nearly 30 hours, drama came. I don't want to get too much into it but let's just say I am highly considering quitting and working on campus in leadership positions.
With that said, I was kinda lost today, my first day off, with no worries. I got up at 9 am to help someone make cupcakes before I went home. Than, my mom informed me that after getting a foot of snow, the roads weren't plowed... this was at noon. So, I accepted that my spring break was going to be spent on campus. Not exactly my idea of "fun" but oh well.. I will make it fun, gosh darn it.
I was feeling super tired.. so I took a nap. It was the third one since break. And, I never take naps! Apparently, I am a bit tired... so hopefully, I can catch up on my sleep and maybe work ahead on my homework in the next few days.
Oh one thing I didn't cover.
This morning I bounced into 160-ville again. By accident. This means I lost like a pound. Most people would be celebrating. I am not so much. I want to stay in 170-ville. It is comfortable there. I don't know what to expect I am in 160-ville. I don't belong there. I kinda feel like a fraud there, honestly. I see pictures of people that are in their 160s. I am not small like that. Or am I? Maybe I need to get some new glasses.
Recently, I brought two new sundresses. I am not used to looking decent.. okay, good, in dresses. In these dresses, I don't have to cover up. I just feel a bit more naked than I normally am. I think my mom might be envious. She used to wear sundresses.. and when I told her I got sundresses.. she is like why. Well, mom, why not?
I guess... also with with being in 160-ville, it means I am closer to my goal weight. We all have expectations of our goal weight. One of mine were to have these amazing abs and be super toned. You know.. like you see in the magazines. Apparently, I thought they were going to just appear even through I wasn't consistently seriously working on being toned.
I think also being in 160-ville means I am a different person. Maybe. I am more confident. But, no, I still am ME... just a stronger, better me. That is all I have ever wanted to be. A better me. I have never wanted to be someone in the magazine.. minus the abs bit. I know I will never be 6'2" nor do I want to be. Because of my height and pixy haircut, I am described as "cute".
I think I need to write all my expectations of being in 160-ville to overcome this mental obstacle so you might just hear about this again!
This is how my Spring Break has been so far!
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