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Show love to your children...

Monday, March 28, 2011

Why is it so hard for some parents to give and show love to their children?

Is it really so hard to hug them?

Is it really so hard to say, "I am proud of you."?

Is it really so hard to support them in their endeavors?

Is it really so hard to acknowledge them overcoming obstacles?


Apparently, it is!

On Friday, it is my birthday. I turn 25. It is tradition in my family that after 18, my parents will take us out. Of us three girls, I live the closest. Last year, I had to fight for my parents to come up to where I live while my friend's parents will travel four or five hours but mine cannot drive 60 minutes!

Anyhow, for the last two weeks, I have been asking my parents if they are coming up. My dad kept him-hawing. He wanted to come up on Monday, the day I work until 7 pm. I told them any afternoon on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. And, my mom in the last couple days have been saying it is just too complicated. Well, what is so complicated about that?

So, I figured it might be easier for them to just pay for my 1/2 marathon registration that I have yet to pay. Today when my mom and I were talking about it, she didn't want to do it because it would be a "gift". What is taking me out to supper than?! If she left it at that, that would be another thing.. but she didn't. She is like, "If we pay for it, you better use it for registration." And, furthermore emphasized for me to pay for registration.. Than, went onto say, "That I better do the 1/2 marathon" like I won't be doing it.

It hurt.

Still does.

I want to tell them to just forget about it.
Forget my birthday.
Forget doing something for me.
Just forget it.

The thing is if we waited until I came home, I would still be stressed out as we'd most likely go to a restaurant with poor nutrition choices and I'd be forced to eat something deep fried. I'm just not feeling it...

I guess it was just the fact that she made the comment that I better do it than. I just do not understand why she cannot be proud of me. I have done alot with my life and I just want them proud.

Sure, I am not skinny like my sister was or got straight As like my other sister did.. but, what about.. overcoming my learning disability, and apraxia or managing my depression or even losing 90#. These are not done everyday. It really hurts that they will never be proud of me.

For those that have children...

Tell them you ARE proud.
Hug them everyday.
Do not assume they know how you feel. Remind them every single day!

I hope I can do this with my own children.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    THANK YOU everyone for the lovely comments and even more so, the support!!!! I appreciate it greatly!

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MEADSBAY 3/30/2011 9:26PM

    I wish you were my daughter.


I bet you will adore your children and tell them and show them in many ways.

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PATRICIAANN46 3/29/2011 8:24PM

  My Dear Savannah...........
I have to say that I feel more sorry for your parents than I do for you. They are missing out on a wonderful daughter who has every reason to be proud of ALL of her accomplishments. Unfortunately, we can only control what goes on within us. You need to celebrate the new and accomplished YOU with whoever is deserving of your company. Hopefully, at some time your parents will realize their mistake and correct it. If they don''s their loss. YOU will still be YOU with your entire life ahead of you and people that truly matter in your corner.

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ZEVCAIT 3/29/2011 2:53PM

    ALWAYS be proud of your self! You have accomplished so much! I have many friends who had parents like yours. They love there children but don't know how to show it or just don't get it. Sadly most people are parents, but most people are not happy well adjusted people them selfs.
All you can do is live a wonderful life and be as happy as possible and some day be the kind of parent you wish you would of had.

And remember that your spark family is SOOO proud of you! Happy birthday!!!


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JEWELS692 3/29/2011 12:12PM

    I am so sorry for your parents they are missing out on the blessing of a grate daughter like you. My mother abandoned my brother and I when we were little so I get it. As it has bean said surround your self with people who will give you all the support and love you deserve. We are so proud of you but what is more important be proud of your self. emoticon

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FUNFROG79 3/29/2011 11:59AM

    So sorry to hear! I hope you are proud of yourself and know that we are all proud of you! Happy Early Birthday!

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1CRAZYDOG 3/29/2011 9:15AM

    It's all been said but just to emphasize you have LOTS to be proud of and I'm proud of you . . . so very much. You HAVE overcome obstacles to achieve what you have seen fit to achieve in your life. That is so admirable.

As has been said, spend your birthday with those who enrich your life, who care about you.


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PSALM42 3/29/2011 7:30AM

    I'm so sorry. :( I second what the other ladies have said, which is much more helpful than what I could say. I hope you have a happy (and healthy) birthday. We are proud of you- you have accomplished so much already and will do much, much more!

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WOMANCHEF 3/29/2011 7:06AM

    I feel like giving you a big hug. My mom was like that and I just gave up expecting very much. Don't let them get you down - be your own cheerleader and find supportive friends to help you. You can overcome this. When I had my daughter I swore I would never be that way and I go to everything and praise her in her ability to overcome her challenges and hug her all the time. emoticon

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    Oh, my goodness, my sweet friend. Please, just skip my comment and read LISAINMS's blog about four times! What a kind and wonderful thing for her to comment like she did for you. I just had to go to her page and tell her so!

HUGS to you, sweet friend, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY! emoticon

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LISAINMS 3/28/2011 10:48PM

    Savannah, I was 25 with my own babies (twins) when I first started to realize something was wrong with my parents. It just became very clear when I had these two beautiful babies and couldn't imagine every feeling like them. I asked the same questions. How could they not be loving? How could they not be proud? Why did they never hug or say they loved me? I don't know what happened to make them that way. Maybe their parents did the same thing. Maybe their parents didn't show up for their plays, athletic events, etc either. But I am not like them. My kids are now 20 and soph in college. We drive for every performance, family weekends, soro/frat parent events and YES birthdays. I'm sorry your parents don't appreciate, support and celebrate you. Because I know how that feels. Be proud of yourself! You are doing wonderfully well. Spend your birthday with your friends and have a great time. Try not to let them suck you into their blah-ness! You can overcome that too!

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ROOT4HOME 3/28/2011 9:57PM

    Wow...big hugs hon! I couldn't imagine not being supportive, loving or more proud of my children! I can only hope something is going on in their life right now and that soon it won't cloud their heart so they can really LOOK at you and be proud!!

Happy Early Birthday!! Proud of you!! emoticon

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What really was my deal?

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Yesterday my status was: "THECRAZYMANGO has crossed over to the emotional eating side... "


Let me explain...

I was really down, lonely, and missing people. [Today is the last day of Spring Break.] My friend asked if I wanted to go out to eat before some other birthday festivities that were supposed to happen. Sure, sounds like fun. Almost immediately I was thinking about drowning my loneliness in Applebee's lava cake. I didn't get lava cake.. but I did get a drink, wings, and a brownie bite. Okay, not exactly the lowest in calories.

So, why didn't blog about my feelings?

Well, it's not exactly positive stuff. If I can help it, I like to put out positive energy rather negative energy, especially in a positive place like Sparkpeople.

So, what what was my deal?

I guess "my deal" was a few things. The primarily was that I have been stressing about my job at the YMCA. I love what I do but how management operates really needs a reality check. Basically, I feel like my boss is telling me to play games with the night supervisor... oh wait, she did, in an email. Above all other things, I really cannot stand games of any sort. I feel games are very manipulative on people. They are just not right. Anyhow, I have been seriously considering quitting. I don't want to work for people like that. There are some leadership positions that I am going to apply for. If I get it, I will quit. Also, if I quit, I know I will miss the members that I chat with on a regular basis. Any advice on this front?

Another thing I was dealing with is just overall grumpiness. My spring break, honestly, kinda sucked. I worked until Tuesday afternoon. I was going to go home on Wednesday but than the blizzard happened. I had to work on Saturday so it didn't make sense to go home Wednesday afternoon to only return. I guess I was grumpy, more or less, because I couldn't go home to see my parents. I haven't seen them since New Year's.

They were going to take me to supper but they'd have to drive a hour away. With gas prices, I realized how expensive this could be for them. I have been procrastinating with paying my 1/2 marathon registration so I told them they could pay it instead of supper. At first, my dad said that he didn't want to do that and he'd rather see me. Oh. Okay. So, I started to get excited than they told me last night because it was so complicated (when it really wasn't) with our schedules that'd pay for my registration. Kinda disappointed that I won't be seeing my parents for another month. *sigh* But, I will have registration paid for. Woo-hoo!

Another thing that was added to this emotional pot was how I am dreading tomorrow. Everyone is going to be like I went here and here... and you know what? I don't want to hear it. Also, I am dreading to going to the class with the cheater situation. One of them asked me to move back to where they are sitting 'cuz I moved. I said I'd think about it. Well, I thought about it. And, I don't wanna! *stomps foot* I am just nervous that she will make some side comments like she did last time.

Okay... so that's that!

If you made it through that negative storm, I do have positive news for you!

I am having a good day and started going to church again. When I started dating my ex, it kinda just fell to the roadside. I forgot how much love those people give. When I go, I feel like I can soak up the love. In fact, at one point, we go around saying Hi and hugging. Yup, I hug strangers.

After feeling all loved, I went for my long run... which finished week two of my training! YES! It didn't seem all that long (it was 4 miles) but I know as I get more into training, I will have longer runs.

For the rest of the day, I cleaned my room. It was starting to look like a tornado touched down. Not okay with me!

So my plans for this week...

-Do my short run on Wednesday outside [It is supposed to be around 45]
-Officially register for my 1/2 marathon
-Turn 25 on Friday
-Go to the casino on Saturday

Have a wonderful week everyone!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WYOBZM 3/29/2011 8:56PM

    emoticon It's good to blog out your frustration. Hopefully your job situation will improve.
In the meantime, you can focus on your running and church. Both do sound positive and FUN!!!!! emoticon
The end of your wek sounds super fun. ENJOY!

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FUNFROG79 3/28/2011 8:47AM

    Happy Birthday! Hang in there! Great job on planning out some goals. Stay strong and positive!

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SBLACKWELL93 3/27/2011 9:20PM

    Happy birthday early!!!!! We all have times that we have the negative blahs. You have to figure out what you need to get past it. It looks like you found it.

As for the issues at work. Tell your boss your not gonna play games or mind games cause they are not right. Find some where of documenting this. So if they fire you, you can get them for wrongful termination. Email it or something like that.

As for the cheater at school. She makes a comment let it roll off your back. You don't need people like that. Tell her you know what she has been doing and you want no part of it. Be the strong powerful beautiful woman that you are.

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CANLOSE81 3/27/2011 7:29PM

i'm really liking your plans for the week!

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Supportive Friends

Friday, March 25, 2011

Lately, I have been examining the support in my life. Honestly, before coming to Sparkpeople, it was majorly slacking. In fact, I know support has been essential for me in this journey and could have not came as far I have if it has not been my friends here on Sparkpeople.

Even through my family has never seen me at a race, more and more, I realize my friends are very supportive of me.

In fact, I have a friend that runs the CASDA 5K with me every year. In the beginning, it started because it was my first race and now we just run it together. We don't really hang out anymore but we run it together.

Another friend of mine, last July took pictures of me. These are the first photos I have of me running at a 5K.

Tonight, I was hanging out at Perkins with LORIBELLZ. My training came up as I looking through my old running magazines for phrases to put on a motivational board. She mentioned she is going to try to be there with a big sign saying "Go Savannah Go" with a big foam finger. I have never had anyone cheer for me. I am not sure what would make me more happy.. having friends cheering me on or completing the 1/2 marathon!

In that moment, I realized how very lucky I was to have the good friends I do have in my life. They are always supportive of me and want to help cheer me on to succeed. This means so much to me!

If you have ever cheered me on... emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

1CRAZYDOG 3/26/2011 7:29AM

    HUGS to you! You know we've got your back!!

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PATRICIAANN46 3/25/2011 10:18PM

  Dear Savannah...........

emoticon for letting us be there for you. You have to be a friend in order to have friends and you have been a very good friend to me.


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FUNFROG79 3/25/2011 8:39AM

    Great blog! A strong support system and great friends are important! !

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ANEPANALIPTI 3/25/2011 2:15AM


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Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Okay, this is something I should have written a few years ago when I started this journey. But, honestly, I never believed in myself or getting to my ultimate weight loss goal of 100# so I didn't bother to examine what my expectations were.

Maybe it was the fact that my family was not supportive of me. Sometimes it is hard to believe in yourself when you are surrounded by people that do not believe in you! Since joining Sparkpeople, I was surrounded by caring, supportive people. Without them, I am not sure I could have made it this far.

Now that I have nearly made it to my ultimate goal, I have been in panic mode for most of March. But, why? I have been working for the last two years for this, why am I suddenly afraid? Am I afraid that I won't meet my expectations? Did I even have expectations?

Yup, I did.

These are really the main ones that I know I am still struggling with. I know they won't magically happen just because the little mechanical scale says 160. Wouldn't that be nice?! Ha! They are measurements that is MORE important than any scale will ever be.

emoticon TONED like advertised in magazines.

emoticon ACCEPTANCE by friends and family.

emoticon LOVE myself unconditionally.


Did I really just say they are more important than the scale? Acceptance is really that important to me? It is so important to me that I am going to measure it by what someone else thinks of me? I need to re-think that!

What about my other achievements and obstacles I have overcome? Do they mean nothing to me?

Back to the thinking box...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PATRICIAANN46 3/25/2011 10:14PM

  My Dear Savannah.............

YOU are the emoticon!!!

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CYNTHIAMINUS40 3/24/2011 4:36PM

    this is a wonderful blog. First off, I want to congratulate you for what you've achieved. That being said, I wonder if sometimes the people in our lives don't truly understand what it feels like to work so hard to reach goals such as these and the ultimate feeling when we arrive at that place. I don't know. If they've never struggled with weight or cared what they weigh they may be unaware of the emotions behind it all.

I also understand about the desire to look a certain way when the weight is gone. I struggle with acceptance that my 50 year old body doesn't have smooth taught skin anymore, my small waist is replaced by something sponsored by menopause and my muscle tone seems lacking despite my strength training efforts. But we sure can look pretty in a nice dress and a pair of heels and go out on the town! That may just have to be ok.

You deserve a cheer for your accomplishments! emoticon

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JOAN_HEO 3/24/2011 4:15PM

    Eventually you will figure out what your friends already know about you. You are SOOOO worthy of being everything you want to be. You have worked hard for this and you need to enjoy every second of it!

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BOJO70 3/24/2011 2:43PM

  Nicely worded!
I've found my brain is my biggest obstacle. Once I conquer my own doubts I can conquer anything!

Way to go on your journey so far!

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ZEVCAIT 3/24/2011 2:39PM

    You are a smart women! The 3 things you wrote are way more important! I hope you have/will achieve all of them! The last one is the most important! And you most certainly deserve it!! You are an insperation to so many! Keep being you!


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1CRAZYDOG 3/24/2011 11:36AM

    Well you know how I feel! You ARE amazing. You are loving yourself and that's #1. You ARE finding your support system even though family is not supportive. That's very important too.

Keep up your good work. You are worth it!

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    Maybe I misunderstood something here. Do you mean you hoped to be accepted by loved ones because you now weigh less? I have struggled with this one myself. Maybe you need to find new friends who love you no matter what size you are. If your family has trouble accepting you, then they need a loving, but firm wake-up call. (I've experienced this, but don't wish to go into the details on-line.) YOU are NOT your weight. There is much more to a person than how much they weigh. Yes it is important to be healthy and feel good about the way you look, but you are also a person with dreams, amazing attributes, accomplishments and opinions of your own. Please love the whole person you are and don't let others judge you on one trait either. Your success with weight loss has been amazing and it takes great perseverance and focus to accomplish what you've done. Take great pride in this and do not let others make you feel inferior any more! Hope I didn't miss your point after going off like this! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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    I think you have done an AMAZING job! And yes, those three things ARE more important than the scale! emoticon

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FUNFROG79 3/24/2011 8:16AM

    I think you are doing great! Stay strong, focused and positive!

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STITCHINGNAN 3/24/2011 5:21AM

    You are doing fantastically well, have faith in yourslf.
I have expectations ok but when events dont live upto my expectations. I crash. Ree

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CANLOSE81 3/24/2011 12:05AM

    i'm still SO impressed & amazed by all you've accomplished!
hard-earned and BEYOND deserved!
give those last few pounds heck!!
we're all rooting for you!!

(& besides... you've made it nearly to goal in such STYLE too!)

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Spring Break

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I have been on Spring Break for a few days but today was the first day I actually felt on vacation.

Oh, wait. I lied.

I guess it felt like I was on vacation on Friday when I went to Olive Garden and shopping. I had an amazing time. We didn't buy much but I laughed alot... totally what I needed!

Than, from Saturday to Tuesday, I worked. Than, after working nearly 30 hours, drama came. I don't want to get too much into it but let's just say I am highly considering quitting and working on campus in leadership positions.

With that said, I was kinda lost today, my first day off, with no worries. I got up at 9 am to help someone make cupcakes before I went home. Than, my mom informed me that after getting a foot of snow, the roads weren't plowed... this was at noon. So, I accepted that my spring break was going to be spent on campus. Not exactly my idea of "fun" but oh well.. I will make it fun, gosh darn it.

I was feeling super tired.. so I took a nap. It was the third one since break. And, I never take naps! Apparently, I am a bit tired... so hopefully, I can catch up on my sleep and maybe work ahead on my homework in the next few days.

Oh one thing I didn't cover.

This morning I bounced into 160-ville again. By accident. This means I lost like a pound. Most people would be celebrating. I am not so much. I want to stay in 170-ville. It is comfortable there. I don't know what to expect I am in 160-ville. I don't belong there. I kinda feel like a fraud there, honestly. I see pictures of people that are in their 160s. I am not small like that. Or am I? Maybe I need to get some new glasses.

Recently, I brought two new sundresses. I am not used to looking decent.. okay, good, in dresses. In these dresses, I don't have to cover up. I just feel a bit more naked than I normally am. I think my mom might be envious. She used to wear sundresses.. and when I told her I got sundresses.. she is like why. Well, mom, why not?

I guess... also with with being in 160-ville, it means I am closer to my goal weight. We all have expectations of our goal weight. One of mine were to have these amazing abs and be super toned. You know.. like you see in the magazines. Apparently, I thought they were going to just appear even through I wasn't consistently seriously working on being toned.

I think also being in 160-ville means I am a different person. Maybe. I am more confident. But, no, I still am ME... just a stronger, better me. That is all I have ever wanted to be. A better me. I have never wanted to be someone in the magazine.. minus the abs bit. I know I will never be 6'2" nor do I want to be. Because of my height and pixy haircut, I am described as "cute".

I think I need to write all my expectations of being in 160-ville to overcome this mental obstacle so you might just hear about this again!


This is how my Spring Break has been so far! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PATRICIAANN46 3/25/2011 10:10PM

  This is 2 days later for me, so I hope that by now you have made it home and are relaxing and enjoying some time to just do what YOU want to do. That is what Spring Break is supposed to be.
Each stage of weight loss and lifestyle change is exciting and scary at the same time. Give yourself time to settle in to 160-ville. You might find that it is a great place to be. Whenever you get nervous about where you are now...........think back to where you started. Now is so much better in so many ways. emoticon

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1CRAZYDOG 3/24/2011 11:40AM

    When we change . . . doesn't matter what it is . . . weight, etc., we ARE outwardly different and inside we change a little too . . . but hopefully with weight loss it's a GOOD change. Of course entering the unchartered waters of 160-ville is a little scary because . . . well, you've been in 170-ville. You'll get used to it! Each stage of weight loss for me involved getting used to the "new me" too. Bjut tha'ts alright, it will happen!

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    Oh I wish your mom was happy for you, rather than jealous. That is sad for her. When I was a teenager, I felt jealousy from my mom because her childhood was not as happy as mine. I think she felt a loss or regrets, instead of happiness for me when I experienced things she didn't get to. I didn't understand then, but I do now and It makes me sad for her. I do believe that fat is a barrier of sorts for some of us. We may be uncomfortable with attention and you get more attention when you're not fat. It's been true for me anyway. When I was obese (about 8 years ago) I felt invisible/comfortable. Embrace your new confidence. Don't let it scare you. You are uncovering yourself and ready to shine! Corny huh? I'm very excited for you and hope to be as successful as you have been!

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KAYE454 3/23/2011 11:10PM

  Enjoy and rest while you can

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JUSTBIRDY 3/23/2011 11:03PM


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