Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I have been on Spring Break for a few days but today was the first day I actually felt on vacation.
Oh, wait. I lied.
I guess it felt like I was on vacation on Friday when I went to Olive Garden and shopping. I had an amazing time. We didn't buy much but I laughed alot... totally what I needed!
Than, from Saturday to Tuesday, I worked. Than, after working nearly 30 hours, drama came. I don't want to get too much into it but let's just say I am highly considering quitting and working on campus in leadership positions.
With that said, I was kinda lost today, my first day off, with no worries. I got up at 9 am to help someone make cupcakes before I went home. Than, my mom informed me that after getting a foot of snow, the roads weren't plowed... this was at noon. So, I accepted that my spring break was going to be spent on campus. Not exactly my idea of "fun" but oh well.. I will make it fun, gosh darn it.
I was feeling super tired.. so I took a nap. It was the third one since break. And, I never take naps! Apparently, I am a bit tired... so hopefully, I can catch up on my sleep and maybe work ahead on my homework in the next few days.
Oh one thing I didn't cover.
This morning I bounced into 160-ville again. By accident. This means I lost like a pound. Most people would be celebrating. I am not so much. I want to stay in 170-ville. It is comfortable there. I don't know what to expect I am in 160-ville. I don't belong there. I kinda feel like a fraud there, honestly. I see pictures of people that are in their 160s. I am not small like that. Or am I? Maybe I need to get some new glasses.
Recently, I brought two new sundresses. I am not used to looking decent.. okay, good, in dresses. In these dresses, I don't have to cover up. I just feel a bit more naked than I normally am. I think my mom might be envious. She used to wear sundresses.. and when I told her I got sundresses.. she is like why. Well, mom, why not?
I guess... also with with being in 160-ville, it means I am closer to my goal weight. We all have expectations of our goal weight. One of mine were to have these amazing abs and be super toned. You know.. like you see in the magazines. Apparently, I thought they were going to just appear even through I wasn't consistently seriously working on being toned.
I think also being in 160-ville means I am a different person. Maybe. I am more confident. But, no, I still am ME... just a stronger, better me. That is all I have ever wanted to be. A better me. I have never wanted to be someone in the magazine.. minus the abs bit. I know I will never be 6'2" nor do I want to be. Because of my height and pixy haircut, I am described as "cute".
I think I need to write all my expectations of being in 160-ville to overcome this mental obstacle so you might just hear about this again!
This is how my Spring Break has been so far!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
This week was my first week of training. Not gonna lie, it was rocky. It wasn't rocky because I felt I couldn't do it. No, it was midterms. This means I had to juggle studying for midterms, papers, and training. I could not push running aside like I can do with my other fitness if life gets too crazy.
Well, on Tuesday, I ran. Than, on Thursday, I went through an depressive episode... lots of crying.. so I didn't know if it was going to happen. But, than the sun was shining and it was irresistible. This was when I went puddle jumping. I probably ran only a mile or so.. and walked the rest. But, that's okay.
Yesterday, I was going to run... but I took a nap at say 5 pm and didn't get out of bed until this morning, for work, lol. I really wanted to run outside today but BRR! It was chilly and rainy cold to do that! So, Sparkfriends that get my weather a couple days later than I do, enjoy the sun!!! I AM quite proud that I did 4.25 miles in 60 minutes today. Also, this week it seems like my pace, on the treadmill at least, is getting faster.
I was looking at my training schedule... and just had this feeling.. this is going to be FUN!
It is going to be fun to challenge myself to a new level!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Today, the mental stress of this week started to get to me. If you don't know what I am talking about, read the previous blog. Anyhow, today I decided to get out of the building because it was fairly nice. I decided to go across the bridge and buy myself some running tights. I have meaning to get some for a long time. It was a great excuse to get away from campus and all it's associated stress.
When I started shopping, the guy asked if I needed help. By golly, I do. As he was helping me, he asked what size I am. I explained I have lost a chunk of weight and I wasn't sure. He figured a medium.
Do you know what this means?! I actually do look like a medium to other people! I ended up buying some capri tights and a new sports bra. Probably the most expensive sports bra I have ever brought! Seriously! But, I tuck my Ipod and phone in my bra when I run and well, when they can fall out when I run and bend over.. there IS a problem! Way too much space I am thinking!
Anywho... I was still down today. In fact, I have cried several times today. Not sure if I am in a depression episode or not. Even if I am, I can't do much but to deal with it. So as I was being all down in my room, the starting shining into my room.
And, I had a go off. A nice relaxing stroll sounded nice!
I was going to run today which I tried but I had a headache from crying so much that I decided I was going to treat myself to walk. I never really walk anymore... it's too slow and I get inpatient, lol.
It was nice to have the relaxing gait and to enjoy the sunshine out. Towards half way through my walk, there was this HUGE puddle from today's earlier rain and with the snow melting.
I only had ONE choice: To go through it.
And, who walks through a puddle? Um, no one!
Yup, I through it. It was kinda fun.. so I just kept running.. and boy, were there enough puddles to keep me entertained. At first I was concerned about my fairly new running shoes, than I was like.. ah, they will dry.
Than, there were no more puddles.
But, it was good. I ended up doing those 2 miles in like 30 minutes.
And, more importantly, it did kinda cheer me up!
By the way, now that I can run outside again, I gotta work on pacing myself. In the beginning, when I tried to run, I started too fast but I had a better grasp on it towards the end when I was pudding jumping! Oh, also, puddle jumping is great training for the Warrior Race, hehe!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
In the last few days, I feel like a lot has happened in my life. Not even sure what to blog about... so let's do it all.
[Yup, that means you need to settle in and break out the reading glasses.]
Yup, I still go to counseling, weekly. It is a never ending thing for me, I think. *sigh* I brought up during our last session that I wanted to work on my body image issues. Basically, I want to accept me. I know if I could just wrap my mind around me (kinda like a hug), than I could just reach my goal.. but until than, it is like a million miles away. Anyhow, I said at one point during the session.. "good enough" and she asked me, "Who am I not good enough for?" It really is a good question. Sadly, enough, my parents. I never have been good enough for them. Will I ever be?
You might have noticed that I kinda disappeared. Well, college got a bit crazy with midterms this week. On Monday, I had two papers due and a test. Than, on Wednesday (today), I had two HARD tests. I think I did alright.. well, I hope I did. Anyhow, it can be kinda stressful.
I am going to keep this as short as possible. Basically, a couple people cheated off me. At first, I was like whatever, they are cheating themselves! Than, the old conscious got to me. Today, I talked to the professor about it. I couldn't take it any longer. There was too much mental stress about it. She was super nice about it. Basically, we decided it was in my best interest to not sit by those people anymore. We talked about how it was going to be empowering and how they crossed some boundaries. So, I moved. It was hard to do. I was very nervous about it.. but knew I needed to do it for ME. Anyhow, one of them approached me and asked why I wasn't sitting with them. I kinda blew it off but later on Facebook, I told them it made me very uncomfortable. She wants me to sit by them again.. but honestly, I don't wanna. I told her I'd think about it.
So much for being short.
Last night (Tuesday), I studied with my friend, B, and she's like T (a guy friend of hers) is coming. It wasn't a big deal. He's not my favorite.. but whatever. Well, we were studying Human Structure and Function and I have trouble pronouncing some of the words. Mind you, even my professors don't always know the "right" way to say them. Anyhow, he made two comments about my speech. I know I am more sensitive than I should be.. but.. first he was like, "I don't mean to make fun of you when you stutter.." I let it go. Whatever. Than, like 20 minutes later, he is like "It is not that hard to pronounce the words if you sound them out." Okay. Now, I am annoyed. I have apraxia, a speech disorder. Honestly, I am tired of explaining to people why I am not "perfect" in their eyes. I didn't say anything to him about it.. and neither did my friend. *sigh* It amazes me that even through I have been dealing with this all my life, I never get used to it. While on the other hand, my closest friends don't even notice it. When my best friend from High School told me that tonight, it seriously made me break down. Also, in the last week, I've been told a couple times how it's not really negative, it's just a part of me. I've always considered it kinda negative as it makes me not perfect.
So, besides all this stuff that I have been dealing with, my friend who is on my cell phone plan, lost her phone. So, she called me [on the tree phone, lol] and we had her take my upgrade.
I started training for my Half Marathon this week. I don't feel like I am training as I am just running. I like running. In fact, it helps manage my stress and keep that pesky depression at bay. Today, I was supposed to go for a light run but I decided not to, for many reasons. I figure it is okay since it is only week one of training. But, tomorrow, I will be . I am really looking forward to it!
So, that is my week so far.. and it is ONLY Wednesday.
On Friday, I am going shopping with two awesome friends, MUSICALFUSE and BEACHGUARD. I am really looking forward to it... I might get my first sundress. Either way, it shall be a grand old time!
Saturday, March 12, 2011
A "friend" and I were chatting about shopping. It is that time again.. where I need new jeans. Honestly, I have been putting it off. I still have this "pouch" on my tummy that spills over when I have jeans and I hate jean shopping when pretty much all the jeans I try on will have the muffin top effect.
In fact, I feel more sexy and confident in my workout clothes than my jeans. I hate wearing my jeans. They make me feel gross and sloppy. So, I think I wear them like once a week. Thank goodness for being an Exercise Science major where I can get away with that... and no one thinks about it. It's amazing a couple years ago, it was the opposite. I was more comfortable in jeans than workout pants.
Anyhow, my "friend" was like you need mom jeans. Huh? She explained to me that it will cover the extra skin.
Um... I don't have saggy skin.
She than explained her sister lost like 90# (same amount of me right now) and has saggy skin.
Let's right here... this is the VERY reason, even as much as I hate strength training, I try to do some strength training, even if is light.
I explained I do not have saggy skin... and she promptly looked me up and down [discretely]. Go ahead and look. Just try finding it! I may be squishy in certain areas like my darn stomach and hips but I do NOT have saggy skin from losing weight fast.
Oh, wait... I did it slowly. As long as you lose weight slowly and strength training, the "experts" tell me that saggy skin will not be an issue.
Oh by the way, I am debating... tattoo or no tattoo. I want a phenoix for all the weight I have lost but I can figure out where I want it... I want to be able to see it everyday, as a reminder, of my determination and strength. I have been thinking on the back of my calf. But, how will it change if my calves get more defined... you know from all the I will be doing for the rest of my life!
Get An Email Alert Each Time THECRAZYMANGO Posts