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When will I ever reach MY own expectations?!

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

For the last few weeks, I have been on an intramural soccer team. I am the weakest link. I really am. Every night, I have an internal battle with myself. There is ALOT of internal negative talk. Basically summed up, it says: "You aren't good enough, you never will be."

Since being in counseling for the last couple years, I have learned I want to perfect. While it is a curse, it also helped drive my weight loss. In the beginning, I had to be in my calorie range and my fitness range. In fact, when I did not do something perfect, like stay in my calorie range, I would get extremely upset.

After losing 90#, I find I still want perfection. When will I be enough for ME? Not for anyone else, but for ME. It really makes me wonder if I will ever be happy with me. In fact, if anything goes wrong in my day, even if it's not my fault, I have serious negative talk issues. Today a friend told me how great I looked... while I smiled and said "Thank You" gracefully.. it felt like swallowing my pride, and I was thinking, "It's not good enough." When will it be good enough? Will I ever reach MY own expectations?!

I guess this question concerns me because pretty soon, hopefully in 10#, I need to be able to say I am okay with me... even with the imperfections. That will be a huge deal for me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HDHAWK 3/11/2011 11:57AM

    I struggle with the same thing and it can really throw me off track. It sounds like you're doing the work needed to overcome your obstacles.

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ANEPANALIPTI 3/11/2011 8:16AM

    Yeah baby doll... it doesn't depend on a number. we need to find satisfaction in the way we live our lives every day. where does this stem for you?

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KIMBERLEY225 3/10/2011 7:58AM

    Its crazy that we can be so hard on ourselves but compassionate and encouraging to others.

Thanks septemberspirit for the recommendation of the positive affirmations. Even though the advice wasn't for me, I went to the site and I am going to try and make them a part of my life.

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    Interesting thoughts here and one's I should ask myself. I've spent most of my adult life trying to make myself "better" always finding the flaws in myself and working to fix them.

So, your question..."when will I reach my own expectations" really hit a note with me.


I'll need to think on that.

Thanks for sharing! As your friend said...I think you're pretty incredible too...and I just "met" you!

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JOAN_HEO 3/10/2011 6:34AM

    Mango Woman, you have just not realized how incredible you are...YET! I've known it about you for a looong time!

Something to think about...would people like me say things like that if they didn't believe it? Not me! You have inspired me left and right and you don't even realize it. I'd be willing to put a lot of money on it that I am NOT the only one you've inspired.

Give it your best every day. Eat, move, and play your best. No one, especially YOU, can do better than your best!

It is absolutely okay and required to love yourself.

Love you, fruit girl! =)

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    Negative self-talk is so hard to move away from but as you shed the weight, you need to also let go of this. I was the same and worked hard (through counselling as well at one point) and I create a gratitude list every day ... I begin every day by reading positive affirmations.

Have you ever read the book Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life by Dr. Dyer? It's one of many that teaches us we really must change the negative self talk in order to become healthier and happier.

Losing weight is only the physical battle. The balance is finding happiness - mind/body/spirit... Once you attain that, then you will have 'enough'.

I have often recommended to SP Friends the Daily Motivator and Louise Hay's web site, You Can Heal Your Life as resources for daily positive affirmations. Google them and start or end your day by reading these. I begin every day faithfully by reading all of them and it truly sets the bar for a wonderful day!

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Laughter IS the best medicine for life's stresses!

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

In the last few days, I have been kinda in a grumpy mood for a variety of reasons.

When I get this way, I try to not blog. If I do try to blog, it just doesn't work. Besides, there is already enough bad "juju" in the world, I really do not need to add it. I feel energy feeds on each other, whether it is negative or positive.

In the last couple days, I was reminded of a great lesson: laughter IS the best medicine. Yesterday, I wasn't feeling too keen on people. I wasn't grumpy but I didn't exactly want to interact with people either. I usually search people out.. but not yesterday.

I chatted with one of my friends and he made me laugh for like a couple hours. I think it was best invested two hours I ever had! emoticon Afterwards, I felt so much better and even woke up peaceful and happy today.

Laughter is really the best medicine for life's stresses.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANEPANALIPTI 3/11/2011 8:16AM

    i know what you mean about the bad mood blogging....

glad that you had such a great time and that it cured it. :)

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PATRICIAANN46 3/9/2011 4:21PM

  You are ABSOLUTELY right!!!!!!! It is my favorite thing to do. emoticon

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1CRAZYDOG 3/9/2011 1:58PM

    Glad to hear you laughed with a friend! That's the best.

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    Yes it is. Glad it worked for you!

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JANICE2BME 3/8/2011 7:54PM

    Keep on smiling, it makes people wonder what you have been up to! Laughter is so healthy! emoticon

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DAVEYSHADOW 3/8/2011 3:34PM

    Luaghter is great!

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MARSHASTAR 3/8/2011 2:49PM

    I agree.
We all need to laugh a lot every day.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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    Amen to laughter for sure!

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STARGLADE 3/8/2011 11:37AM

    Several years ago I was going through a very, very difficult time. A friend I've never even met FTF sent me the "Dress to Kill" DVD of Eddie Izzard's HBO special; she said "You need to laugh. This will do it."

She was SO right. That's still what I go to, at times when nothing else can bring a smile to my face. Even though I can recite the entire thing, word for word, it doesn't matter--I laugh until I ache.

It hurts SO good.

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Don't Stop Believing that [you can be] A Maniac!

Sunday, March 06, 2011

Earlier today, I wrote a blog. It was negative and crabby. No good. I try to put out good, positive energy into the world.. or at the very least.. into Sparkpeople. So, I deleted it. It's gone forever. Good riddance.

But, I did want to blog today in a positive way so here is a video for those that are struggling with your journey right now.

Yup, that's right.

"Don't Stop Believing."

And, for those, like me, that have gone a bit crazy with exercise since joining the journey.

"She's a Maniac."

By the way, I woke up with this last song stuck in my head!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANEPANALIPTI 3/11/2011 8:17AM


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PATRICIAANN46 3/7/2011 11:51PM

  One of my all-time favorite songs from one of my all-time favorite movies. You are probably way too young to remember Flash-Dance with Jennifer Beals.

And...........I can't even begin to imagine you grumpy!!! emoticon

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JOAN_HEO 3/7/2011 7:29PM

    LOL When I read the title of your blog (apparently too fast!!) I thought it said, "Don't Stop Believing that [you can be] A Man!

Thank you for that laugh!!

PS I don't care to be one! =)

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1CRAZYDOG 3/7/2011 12:15PM

    Glad you spun things to the positive! Good for you. Have a wonderful Monday. Spark on.

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CRAZY Fun... that is what weight loss is!

Thursday, March 03, 2011

Apparently this morning I was going to live up to my username of THECRAZYMANGO and be healthy crazy today! I haven't done this in such a LONG time. I forgot how much I love the challenge!

emoticon Boy, did I go a bit crazy with the exercise today.

I did 3 miles on the bike for one of my assessment class. We are learning a new test and someone needed to be the person to be tested so I basically I got to "work out" in class.

After class, I decided to work out... and did another 3 miles on the bike in like 15 minutes. Than, I decided to run. I did a mile before I was like "forget this"! I gave up and moved onto some strength training. Since I don't EVER do strength training, I should get a emoticon for that! I did some tricep and squat business with kettlebells. Than, I pulled up the Sparkpeople app (which I LOVE when wifi is working because I can try new exercise so easily) and did some medicine ball moves.. and finished with three 20 second planks! emoticon Feeling pretty sweaty and pretty good (except for only running one mile).. I went home. A few hours later (after buying a new CUTE swim suit), I found myself in the pool doing some laps and treading! emoticon

Than, comes the food part....

I was supposed to go out to eat with a friend at a Mexican restaurant tonight so I was trying to eat light. It ends up we won't be going but rather tomorrow. No big deal.

I did make plans with a different friend to go to Applebee's. Did you know they now have their nutritional values online? So.. not feeling motivated to work on homework, I did something I haven't done in ages! I logged all my calories today. Right on track at 1300 calories. Than, because I know I have worked out more than usually, I looked at my daily differential and it was -1100. emoticon In other words, I can eat 1100 calories and should still maintain. I pulled up the nutritional menu... poured over it... looked at what has what calories.. looked at the sodium.. and picked out what I am going to order a hour or so before I am even going to be leaving! emoticon Now, that is planning at it's best!!! By the way, I decided on...

Without the shrimp...

It will put me back around 300 calories or so. I can handle that!

So, I am feeling pretty good.. kinda even strong and invincible, hehe!

Last night, I was feeling pretty emoticon about getting SUPER close to my goal weight when I should be emoticon. I think it was more that I was sad that my weight loss journey is ending... than a emoticon went off. It will be SO much easier to train for events like a half marathon if I am already at goal weight. I've heard so many times that it is hard to lose weight and to train for an event... it CAN be done.. but it can be a struggle! Than, I was like... it will be hard to lose weight once my body is used to running and has adjusted.

Than, this morning the emoticon said: 167.6. A number I don't remember seeing in my adult life.... EVER! So, it was like GAME ON! I felt like there was MY challenge and it even makes it fun!

How is your weight loss "fun"?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANEPANALIPTI 3/11/2011 8:19AM


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1CRAZYDOG 3/4/2011 3:06PM

    Excellent! Your journey doesn't end when you reach your goal weight, though. Maintenance work is difficult . . . maybe even a little more difficult than weight loss! But you're developing the tools you need to carry you through. Good job!!!

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PATRICIAANN46 3/3/2011 11:41PM

  160-Ville!!!!!!!!! I haven't been there in so long!!! You must be so proud. All of your hard work is showing in so many ways.
I can feel your energy when I read your blog. Is it fun being in this new place? I want to feel that upbeat and full of energy I guess I need to work on my patience!!!


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JOAN_HEO 3/3/2011 8:15PM

    Sounds like you had a great day!!!! I'm thrilled for you!

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    emoticon emoticon emoticon to 160Ville and moving quicly to on the edge of moving out... emoticon

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Not ready for the 160s...

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

I feel so "off" today.

But, I did weigh in today at 170.6.

Maybe that is why I am so off today.

Like I got up late than got pensive.. which probably did not help.. but all day today I seemed to want to snack.. even through I am not hungry.

You know what that means?

I am freaking out about being in 160-ville. And, maybe be one step closer to my goal weight. If I stayed at my goal weight, 160-ville would be my last -ville I would be in.

Than, what do I do?

For the last two years, I have been so focused on the scale, and reaching my weight goal. Now that I am nearly here.. now what? I guess I will have to focus on my Half Marathon training a little more... or even toning a bit more.

Anyhow, I feel like I just needed to say it. I'm nervous, and scared about reaching my BIG weight loss goal.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANEPANALIPTI 3/11/2011 8:20AM

    its OK baby.. repeat to yourself over and over that the scale doesn't mean anything it is really just a number. a box you step on that shows a number. any meaning we ascribe it is a total construction made up by us. you are amaaaaaaaazing.

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JOAN_HEO 3/7/2011 7:30PM

    If you don't want to be in the 160s, can I be for you? You are 10 ahead of me!

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BAILEYS7OF9 3/3/2011 12:17PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

focus on 160.6... you can do it!!!

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    You should be EXCITED, ELATED and most of all CELEBRATED!!! You deserve this!! It's the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!!
emoticon and almost in time for St-Patty's day!! emoticon emoticon

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