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...and, it is only Wednesday!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

In the last few days, I feel like a lot has happened in my life. Not even sure what to blog about... so let's do it all.

[Yup, that means you need to settle in and break out the reading glasses.]

Yup, I still go to counseling, weekly. It is a never ending thing for me, I think. *sigh* I brought up during our last session that I wanted to work on my body image issues. Basically, I want to accept me. I know if I could just wrap my mind around me (kinda like a hug), than I could just reach my goal.. but until than, it is like a million miles away. Anyhow, I said at one point during the session.. "good enough" and she asked me, "Who am I not good enough for?" It really is a good question. Sadly, enough, my parents. I never have been good enough for them. Will I ever be?

You might have noticed that I kinda disappeared. Well, college got a bit crazy with midterms this week. On Monday, I had two papers due and a test. Than, on Wednesday (today), I had two HARD tests. I think I did alright.. well, I hope I did. Anyhow, it can be kinda stressful.

I am going to keep this as short as possible. Basically, a couple people cheated off me. At first, I was like whatever, they are cheating themselves! Than, the old conscious got to me. Today, I talked to the professor about it. I couldn't take it any longer. There was too much mental stress about it. She was super nice about it. Basically, we decided it was in my best interest to not sit by those people anymore. We talked about how it was going to be empowering and how they crossed some boundaries. So, I moved. It was hard to do. I was very nervous about it.. but knew I needed to do it for ME. Anyhow, one of them approached me and asked why I wasn't sitting with them. I kinda blew it off but later on Facebook, I told them it made me very uncomfortable. She wants me to sit by them again.. but honestly, I don't wanna. I told her I'd think about it.

So much for being short.

Last night (Tuesday), I studied with my friend, B, and she's like T (a guy friend of hers) is coming. It wasn't a big deal. He's not my favorite.. but whatever. Well, we were studying Human Structure and Function and I have trouble pronouncing some of the words. Mind you, even my professors don't always know the "right" way to say them. Anyhow, he made two comments about my speech. I know I am more sensitive than I should be.. but.. first he was like, "I don't mean to make fun of you when you stutter.." I let it go. Whatever. Than, like 20 minutes later, he is like "It is not that hard to pronounce the words if you sound them out." Okay. Now, I am annoyed. I have apraxia, a speech disorder. Honestly, I am tired of explaining to people why I am not "perfect" in their eyes. I didn't say anything to him about it.. and neither did my friend. *sigh* It amazes me that even through I have been dealing with this all my life, I never get used to it. While on the other hand, my closest friends don't even notice it. When my best friend from High School told me that tonight, it seriously made me break down. Also, in the last week, I've been told a couple times how it's not really negative, it's just a part of me. I've always considered it kinda negative as it makes me not perfect.

So, besides all this stuff that I have been dealing with, my friend who is on my cell phone plan, lost her phone. So, she called me [on the tree phone, lol] and we had her take my upgrade.

I started training for my Half Marathon this week. I don't feel like I am training as I am just running. I like running. In fact, it helps manage my stress and keep that pesky depression at bay. Today, I was supposed to go for a light run but I decided not to, for many reasons. I figure it is okay since it is only week one of training. But, tomorrow, I will be emoticon. I am really looking forward to it!

So, that is my week so far.. and it is ONLY Wednesday.

On Friday, I am going shopping with two awesome friends, MUSICALFUSE and BEACHGUARD. I am really looking forward to it... I might get my first sundress. Either way, it shall be a grand old time!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PATRICIAANN46 3/18/2011 10:09PM

  Oh Savannah.............When I read your blog, I felt like I was transported back to college. I don't know how you do ALL that you do. I need a nap just reading about your schedule.
I think that you handled everything in a very mature way. The "Guy" sounds super insensitive and will hopefully grow up and realize that he needs to know the meaning of the word compassion and understanding. You were super generous re: the phone. Being a former teacher, I feel you handled the cheating situation well too. Your parents????? As a parent myself, I KNOW that I love both of my boys, but I am not sure that they always know HOW MUCH!!! I am sure that your parents love you very much and maybe just have a difficult time showing it in a way that you wish they would. Not knowing them is a disadvantage to me in making any kind of educated guess, so I am just going by my own experiences.
When all is said and done........YOU are the most important judge of what makes you happy and confident and this changes with age and experience. You are doing so well thus far that I have no doubt that you will continue to do so.

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ANEPANALIPTI 3/17/2011 2:48PM

    busy busy busy. glad you moved away from the cheaters. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ONE OF MY BIGGEST PET PEEVES.

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1CRAZYDOG 3/17/2011 10:57AM

    Parents . . . you know they love you but they have their ideas (and this is spoken as a parent!) You're #1 is YOU . . . if you're happy with your choices, that's it.

Cheating . . . good for you for sticking to your guns and not sitting by them.

Shopping . . . have an awersome time with your friends.

Enjoy your day, my dear.

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PSALM42 3/17/2011 7:36AM

    I'm sorry for the stinky week. I hope the rest of the week goes better. I have trouble pronouncing stuff too. I once had to read a passage of scripture in front of church. It was a passage with a lot of people and places names (if you've read the bible, you can see my trouble, there are so many weird names) and I didn't know what passage ahead of time otherwise I would have practiced or asked how it was correctedly said. At first I wanted to die and then I said who cares. I like the way I say it better. :)

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    You've had quite the week but it sounds like you're ending it in a marvellous way! Enjoy the shopping outing and HAVE FUN!!

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    I was almost too tired to read your blog, but I'm so glad that I did. I wish I could have socked that guy, but I know that would have not been the right thing, either. As nice as you and your friend were to him about it, he really needs to learn some social skills, and I hope he learns them sooner than later! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

And, by the way, you are very generous to give up your upgrade!

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Excuse you... but, what saggy skin?

Saturday, March 12, 2011

A "friend" and I were chatting about shopping. It is that time again.. where I need new jeans. Honestly, I have been putting it off. I still have this "pouch" on my tummy that spills over when I have jeans and I hate jean shopping when pretty much all the jeans I try on will have the muffin top effect.

In fact, I feel more sexy and confident in my workout clothes than my jeans. I hate wearing my jeans. They make me feel gross and sloppy. So, I think I wear them like once a week. Thank goodness for being an Exercise Science major where I can get away with that... and no one thinks about it. It's amazing a couple years ago, it was the opposite. I was more comfortable in jeans than workout pants.

Anyhow, my "friend" was like you need mom jeans. Huh? She explained to me that it will cover the extra skin.

Um... I don't have saggy skin.

She than explained her sister lost like 90# (same amount of me right now) and has saggy skin.

Let's emoticon right here... this is the VERY reason, even as much as I hate strength training, I try to do some strength training, even if is light.

I explained I do not have saggy skin... and she promptly looked me up and down [discretely]. Go ahead and look. Just try finding it! I may be squishy in certain areas like my darn stomach and hips but I do NOT have saggy skin from losing weight fast.

Oh, wait... I did it slowly. As long as you lose weight slowly and strength training, the "experts" tell me that saggy skin will not be an issue.

Oh by the way, I am debating... tattoo or no tattoo. I want a phenoix for all the weight I have lost but I can figure out where I want it... I want to be able to see it everyday, as a reminder, of my determination and strength. I have been thinking on the back of my calf. But, how will it change if my calves get more defined... you know from all the emoticon I will be doing for the rest of my life!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CRISSYCURRY 3/21/2011 2:14PM

    You are very fortunate that you don't have excess or saggy skin because I sure do!! I lost over 80 lbs and my skin sags so bad, mainly in my stomach and things. :( But I lost 12" in my stomach alone and over 5" in my thighs. I did it the correct way: slow and steady, with strength training, too. I guess my genetics are playing against me. :(

Congrats on all of your hard work and accomplishments! You're doing great!! And about the jeans, yeah, I feel you on that one!! What I have found is that I have to try on a bunch of different types at different stores to find a fit that I like. I personally LOVE Buckle Stella jeans but I tried on over 10 pairs to find the pair that worked for me.

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PATRICIAANN46 3/14/2011 9:32PM

  Hi Savannah.........You are very lucky NOT to have saggy skin. I have known many people who have lost weight and weren't so lucky. A couple have had plastic surgery. Your combination of weight loss and exercise must have been just what your skin needed.
A tattoo of a Phoenix.............I guess I am not sure where I would have it done so that it could be seen easily, but wouldn't change that much. Possibly between the wrist and the elbow. That area isn't affected that much by weight and can be easily seen. Just a thought.........
Have a great week. Thanks for the well-wishes. My throat is still very sore and I am blowing my nose non-stop, but I don't ache all over quite as much. emoticon

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PELESJEWEL 3/13/2011 10:40PM

    emoticon You ROCK!!! Thanks for sharing your no flabby skin success story!! Woo Hoo on you!

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1CRAZYDOG 3/13/2011 12:29PM

    Go for it! I am not a "tat" kinda person, but know so many who are and the tats they have are really beautiful (butterflies, roses, that sort of "girlie" stuff). Me . . . I am a chicken, but that's OK.

@nd the motion to try SPANX.

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BORN2BLOSSOM 3/13/2011 3:10AM

    I've actually had the opposite experience where people are surprised to find out that I DON'T suddenly have a Sports Illustrated body underneath all of my clothing. When I tell people that I have excess skin (which is seldom and only if I'm asked about it) they seem surprised and say something like "But I thought you did it the RIGHT way? Did you exercise? Maybe you have to work out more? Did you drink enough water? Did you eat the right foods? But you're so young! How can that be! Keep working out it will just tone right up!" And I'm like PEOPLE PLEASE!! I didn't do anything WRONG! I was just morbidly obese for a good decade of my life. There's only a certain point my skin was going to just "snap back" to! Skin's an organ, not a muscle so there was no way to just "tone it up." My body literally grew extra skin cells to hold in all of my extra fat cells. My fat cells may have shrunken, but they're all still there along with all of that delightful extra skin my body had to grow over the years.

I've heard all kinds of stories with people's experience regarding excess skin after extreme weight loss and it seems to vary greatly. I wish I could say I was one of the lucky ones who didn't end up with a bunch of excess baggage but I did and LOTS of it :-(

I really think the "after" results depend more on age, genetics, where you store most of your weight, how overweight you were and how LONG you were overweight. My hips were over 60" around and I'm now around 39" (and thats with all of the excess skin so my current measurements arent even 100% accurate) With more than a 20" loss around my hips alone and more than 10" off each thigh, it would be a miracle to not have any excess skin.

I started losing weight over the summer of 2007. My beginning stats were 5'4", 300 lbs. I reached 128 lbs by the summer of 2009 so I lost 170 lbs in 2 years time. I lost weight slowly by tracking my calories, eating plenty of healthy/whole foods, and working out 5-6x a week (well, when I was at my peak) I started noticing the excess skin after I lost the first 100#, and it just continued to get worse the more I lost. I honestly don't think there was anything I could have done to prevent the excess skin. I was overweight since I was in the 1st grade and was obese from the age of 14 and up. I feel it was inevitable for me. I have plenty of muscle tone underneath my layers of skin which is visable in certain areas, but usually I have to feel around for it to know it's there lol.

I think it's awesome you don't have that issue with all of your weight loss. That's amazing to me! There's no doubt that your dedication to a fit/active lifestyle helped you out in that department. It helped me too in a sense that I actually like the shape that my body is now and has given a shapely appearance to my outer arms, my calves, my waist and even my butt. But with clothes on. Clothes off is a bit scary lol. *Sigh* Oh well. I still appreciate and try to love my body as it is since it's greatly improved from all of the hell I put it through over the years and it really is the best it's ever going to be (without surgery at least..)

Congrats on all of your hard work that has gotten you to where you are today!

P.S. Just a word of advice if you want to feel sexier in your jeans. One word --- SPANX!! They've been a lifesaver for me I've been wearing Spanx every day of my life basically since 2008 (I wear the kind that comes up under the bra band but has a regular panty line..kind of looks like a bathing suit minus the top part) It doesn't shrink me in inches but it does hold in that soft squishy muffin top I'll never get rid of so I can wear normal jeans without a major overhang! Although they can be annoying at times, it's totally worth it IMO and are a MUST have for jeans :-)

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ANEPANALIPTI 3/13/2011 1:12AM

    Hmmmmmmmm, how have your calves changed throughout the whole journey, are they a part of your body that sculpts easy??

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PSALM42 3/12/2011 8:42PM

    your post made me laugh. I recently got some "mom" jeans. I have 2 kids so I am a mom, but geez I'm only 25. My saggy skin isn't so much from weight loss but from being pregnant :( Not sure if it will go away. congrats on your weight loss! it was good to do it nice and slow.

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    emoticon90 lbs is a huge accomplishment!
To be running is such a statement of your freedom without all of that extra holding you back! Speaking of sagging skin; please don't get it on your chest. I had a friend who got a rose on her chest about five years ago. I didn't care for it then because her skin was in bad shape from tanning and now it is a looooong stem rose. Ick! The calf or shoulder sounds good. They say a woman's shoulders look great forever. emoticonHope you love it!

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VPOPPY01 3/12/2011 6:43PM

    A phoenix tat would be so awesome! I've always wanted one too, but I just can't decide on what to get, anyways I've got some time to decide lol.

I totally know what you mean with the workout clothes vs. jeans thing! I feel so much comfortable/confident in my workout clothes, plus all of my jeans are just too baggy. Keep up the great work buddy!

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    I agree that if you lose the weight at a reasonable pace and do exercises including ST - the sagging skin syndrome doesn't strike us.

I had debated about a tattoo at one point too - haven't gone there though yet... for now have my 'tanning stickers' which leave a mark but it's not permanent ...

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SUZIEQS65 3/12/2011 6:27PM

    *L*...I so hear you, I still my "mom" jeans....there is (whether we admit it or not) that "stuff" that is left after weight loss and of course for me...4 babies!

Keep up the great work and enjoy your new life!

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The Scale... and moving on from it.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Recently, I have come to a new realization. The emoticon no longer holds the happiness it once did.

Yes, I still get emoticon if the scale doesn't move... but.. also, I don't get as emoticon about losing a pound. In fact, I get the total opposite. I get emoticonwhen I break into a new ville like 160-ville. Also, I tend to hit the panic button. I find I am happier when I forget the emoticon exists.

emoticonThe scale not exist?!!! WHAT?!

For the last two years, I have been weighing regularly... but now I have noticed I get emoticon when I reached a new mile or time when emoticon.

Maybe it is because emoticon challenges me.
Losing weight no longer does. It used to be a game to me.. In fact, it kinda bores me. I know if I do x, y, z, I WILL lose weight.

For Spring Break, I will be going home for a few days. After that, I won't be home until the weekend of April 29th. I am thinking of taking a break from it. And, just focusing on emoticon... and maybe even learning to emoticon me!!!

Anyhow, this is what is kinda on my mind today. Off to class to learn about the Digestive System. emoticon [Sense the sarcasm!]

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STITCHINGNAN 3/18/2011 7:56AM

    I still am a scale addict. It makes or breaks my day. I must read and reread your blog and learn from it Ree

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BSTAKINGACTION 3/12/2011 10:42AM

    GREAT! I just read an interview with Melissa McCarthy in people, where she states "I don't have a goal weight...I'll know when I feel good."

Love that! If we're eating well, getting exercise, living a balanced life...that should be perfect!

Comment edited on: 3/12/2011 10:42:39 AM

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PATRICIAANN46 3/11/2011 9:56PM

  Hi Savannah..........
Taking a break from the scale might not be a bad idea. I used to weigh myself I only weigh myself once every 2 weeks. It works and I am less obsessive. I also judge more by how clothing fits.........I should also try measurements but haven't yet. can you NOT LOVE YOU??????

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JOAN_HEO 3/11/2011 4:17PM

    I'm with you on the scale thing. It gets annoying after a while, doesn't it?

When is your Spring break?

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LIV2SSKI 3/11/2011 1:51PM

    Thanks for this blog. I really needed it today. I'm glad you have given up the scale. I am trying to because I just get down every time I step on it. Thanks for helping me re-realize that I started this journey for a feel not a weight! emoticon

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MYLIFESONG 3/11/2011 12:42PM

    Isn't it amazing how running shifts our thinking!?! I actually gained weight during my marathon training because I GAVE UP looking at the scale too! For me it was all about eating so that I could be a better runner. I wanted to make sure I was properly "fueled" for my long distance runs. Now that my first half is done, I'm revisiting my weight to see if I can improve my runs by losing a few pounds to help my time for my next race.

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SADILIANA 3/11/2011 12:08PM

    keep it up girl everything is going to be step at a time

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When will I ever reach MY own expectations?!

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

For the last few weeks, I have been on an intramural soccer team. I am the weakest link. I really am. Every night, I have an internal battle with myself. There is ALOT of internal negative talk. Basically summed up, it says: "You aren't good enough, you never will be."

Since being in counseling for the last couple years, I have learned I want to perfect. While it is a curse, it also helped drive my weight loss. In the beginning, I had to be in my calorie range and my fitness range. In fact, when I did not do something perfect, like stay in my calorie range, I would get extremely upset.

After losing 90#, I find I still want perfection. When will I be enough for ME? Not for anyone else, but for ME. It really makes me wonder if I will ever be happy with me. In fact, if anything goes wrong in my day, even if it's not my fault, I have serious negative talk issues. Today a friend told me how great I looked... while I smiled and said "Thank You" gracefully.. it felt like swallowing my pride, and I was thinking, "It's not good enough." When will it be good enough? Will I ever reach MY own expectations?!

I guess this question concerns me because pretty soon, hopefully in 10#, I need to be able to say I am okay with me... even with the imperfections. That will be a huge deal for me.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HDHAWK 3/11/2011 11:57AM

    I struggle with the same thing and it can really throw me off track. It sounds like you're doing the work needed to overcome your obstacles.

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ANEPANALIPTI 3/11/2011 8:16AM

    Yeah baby doll... it doesn't depend on a number. we need to find satisfaction in the way we live our lives every day. where does this stem for you?

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KIMBERLEY225 3/10/2011 7:58AM

    Its crazy that we can be so hard on ourselves but compassionate and encouraging to others.

Thanks septemberspirit for the recommendation of the positive affirmations. Even though the advice wasn't for me, I went to the site and I am going to try and make them a part of my life.

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    Interesting thoughts here and one's I should ask myself. I've spent most of my adult life trying to make myself "better" always finding the flaws in myself and working to fix them.

So, your question..."when will I reach my own expectations" really hit a note with me.


I'll need to think on that.

Thanks for sharing! As your friend said...I think you're pretty incredible too...and I just "met" you!

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JOAN_HEO 3/10/2011 6:34AM

    Mango Woman, you have just not realized how incredible you are...YET! I've known it about you for a looong time!

Something to think about...would people like me say things like that if they didn't believe it? Not me! You have inspired me left and right and you don't even realize it. I'd be willing to put a lot of money on it that I am NOT the only one you've inspired.

Give it your best every day. Eat, move, and play your best. No one, especially YOU, can do better than your best!

It is absolutely okay and required to love yourself.

Love you, fruit girl! =)

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    Negative self-talk is so hard to move away from but as you shed the weight, you need to also let go of this. I was the same and worked hard (through counselling as well at one point) and I create a gratitude list every day ... I begin every day by reading positive affirmations.

Have you ever read the book Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life by Dr. Dyer? It's one of many that teaches us we really must change the negative self talk in order to become healthier and happier.

Losing weight is only the physical battle. The balance is finding happiness - mind/body/spirit... Once you attain that, then you will have 'enough'.

I have often recommended to SP Friends the Daily Motivator and Louise Hay's web site, You Can Heal Your Life as resources for daily positive affirmations. Google them and start or end your day by reading these. I begin every day faithfully by reading all of them and it truly sets the bar for a wonderful day!

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Laughter IS the best medicine for life's stresses!

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

In the last few days, I have been kinda in a grumpy mood for a variety of reasons.

When I get this way, I try to not blog. If I do try to blog, it just doesn't work. Besides, there is already enough bad "juju" in the world, I really do not need to add it. I feel energy feeds on each other, whether it is negative or positive.

In the last couple days, I was reminded of a great lesson: laughter IS the best medicine. Yesterday, I wasn't feeling too keen on people. I wasn't grumpy but I didn't exactly want to interact with people either. I usually search people out.. but not yesterday.

I chatted with one of my friends and he made me laugh for like a couple hours. I think it was best invested two hours I ever had! emoticon Afterwards, I felt so much better and even woke up peaceful and happy today.

Laughter is really the best medicine for life's stresses.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANEPANALIPTI 3/11/2011 8:16AM

    i know what you mean about the bad mood blogging....

glad that you had such a great time and that it cured it. :)

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PATRICIAANN46 3/9/2011 4:21PM

  You are ABSOLUTELY right!!!!!!! It is my favorite thing to do. emoticon

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1CRAZYDOG 3/9/2011 1:58PM

    Glad to hear you laughed with a friend! That's the best.

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    Yes it is. Glad it worked for you!

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JANICE2BME 3/8/2011 7:54PM

    Keep on smiling, it makes people wonder what you have been up to! Laughter is so healthy! emoticon

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DAVEYSHADOW 3/8/2011 3:34PM

    Luaghter is great!

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MARSHASTAR 3/8/2011 2:49PM

    I agree.
We all need to laugh a lot every day.
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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    Amen to laughter for sure!

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STARGLADE 3/8/2011 11:37AM

    Several years ago I was going through a very, very difficult time. A friend I've never even met FTF sent me the "Dress to Kill" DVD of Eddie Izzard's HBO special; she said "You need to laugh. This will do it."

She was SO right. That's still what I go to, at times when nothing else can bring a smile to my face. Even though I can recite the entire thing, word for word, it doesn't matter--I laugh until I ache.

It hurts SO good.

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