Thursday, March 17, 2011
Today, the mental stress of this week started to get to me. If you don't know what I am talking about, read the previous blog. Anyhow, today I decided to get out of the building because it was fairly nice. I decided to go across the bridge and buy myself some running tights. I have meaning to get some for a long time. It was a great excuse to get away from campus and all it's associated stress.
When I started shopping, the guy asked if I needed help. By golly, I do. As he was helping me, he asked what size I am. I explained I have lost a chunk of weight and I wasn't sure. He figured a medium.
Do you know what this means?! I actually do look like a medium to other people! I ended up buying some capri tights and a new sports bra. Probably the most expensive sports bra I have ever brought! Seriously! But, I tuck my Ipod and phone in my bra when I run and well, when they can fall out when I run and bend over.. there IS a problem! Way too much space I am thinking!
Anywho... I was still down today. In fact, I have cried several times today. Not sure if I am in a depression episode or not. Even if I am, I can't do much but to deal with it. So as I was being all down in my room, the starting shining into my room.
And, I had a go off. A nice relaxing stroll sounded nice!
I was going to run today which I tried but I had a headache from crying so much that I decided I was going to treat myself to walk. I never really walk anymore... it's too slow and I get inpatient, lol.
It was nice to have the relaxing gait and to enjoy the sunshine out. Towards half way through my walk, there was this HUGE puddle from today's earlier rain and with the snow melting.
I only had ONE choice: To go through it.
And, who walks through a puddle? Um, no one!
Yup, I through it. It was kinda fun.. so I just kept running.. and boy, were there enough puddles to keep me entertained. At first I was concerned about my fairly new running shoes, than I was like.. ah, they will dry.
Than, there were no more puddles.
But, it was good. I ended up doing those 2 miles in like 30 minutes.
And, more importantly, it did kinda cheer me up!
By the way, now that I can run outside again, I gotta work on pacing myself. In the beginning, when I tried to run, I started too fast but I had a better grasp on it towards the end when I was pudding jumping! Oh, also, puddle jumping is great training for the Warrior Race, hehe!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
In the last few days, I feel like a lot has happened in my life. Not even sure what to blog about... so let's do it all.
[Yup, that means you need to settle in and break out the reading glasses.]
Yup, I still go to counseling, weekly. It is a never ending thing for me, I think. *sigh* I brought up during our last session that I wanted to work on my body image issues. Basically, I want to accept me. I know if I could just wrap my mind around me (kinda like a hug), than I could just reach my goal.. but until than, it is like a million miles away. Anyhow, I said at one point during the session.. "good enough" and she asked me, "Who am I not good enough for?" It really is a good question. Sadly, enough, my parents. I never have been good enough for them. Will I ever be?
You might have noticed that I kinda disappeared. Well, college got a bit crazy with midterms this week. On Monday, I had two papers due and a test. Than, on Wednesday (today), I had two HARD tests. I think I did alright.. well, I hope I did. Anyhow, it can be kinda stressful.
I am going to keep this as short as possible. Basically, a couple people cheated off me. At first, I was like whatever, they are cheating themselves! Than, the old conscious got to me. Today, I talked to the professor about it. I couldn't take it any longer. There was too much mental stress about it. She was super nice about it. Basically, we decided it was in my best interest to not sit by those people anymore. We talked about how it was going to be empowering and how they crossed some boundaries. So, I moved. It was hard to do. I was very nervous about it.. but knew I needed to do it for ME. Anyhow, one of them approached me and asked why I wasn't sitting with them. I kinda blew it off but later on Facebook, I told them it made me very uncomfortable. She wants me to sit by them again.. but honestly, I don't wanna. I told her I'd think about it.
So much for being short.
Last night (Tuesday), I studied with my friend, B, and she's like T (a guy friend of hers) is coming. It wasn't a big deal. He's not my favorite.. but whatever. Well, we were studying Human Structure and Function and I have trouble pronouncing some of the words. Mind you, even my professors don't always know the "right" way to say them. Anyhow, he made two comments about my speech. I know I am more sensitive than I should be.. but.. first he was like, "I don't mean to make fun of you when you stutter.." I let it go. Whatever. Than, like 20 minutes later, he is like "It is not that hard to pronounce the words if you sound them out." Okay. Now, I am annoyed. I have apraxia, a speech disorder. Honestly, I am tired of explaining to people why I am not "perfect" in their eyes. I didn't say anything to him about it.. and neither did my friend. *sigh* It amazes me that even through I have been dealing with this all my life, I never get used to it. While on the other hand, my closest friends don't even notice it. When my best friend from High School told me that tonight, it seriously made me break down. Also, in the last week, I've been told a couple times how it's not really negative, it's just a part of me. I've always considered it kinda negative as it makes me not perfect.
So, besides all this stuff that I have been dealing with, my friend who is on my cell phone plan, lost her phone. So, she called me [on the tree phone, lol] and we had her take my upgrade.
I started training for my Half Marathon this week. I don't feel like I am training as I am just running. I like running. In fact, it helps manage my stress and keep that pesky depression at bay. Today, I was supposed to go for a light run but I decided not to, for many reasons. I figure it is okay since it is only week one of training. But, tomorrow, I will be . I am really looking forward to it!
So, that is my week so far.. and it is ONLY Wednesday.
On Friday, I am going shopping with two awesome friends, MUSICALFUSE and BEACHGUARD. I am really looking forward to it... I might get my first sundress. Either way, it shall be a grand old time!
Saturday, March 12, 2011
A "friend" and I were chatting about shopping. It is that time again.. where I need new jeans. Honestly, I have been putting it off. I still have this "pouch" on my tummy that spills over when I have jeans and I hate jean shopping when pretty much all the jeans I try on will have the muffin top effect.
In fact, I feel more sexy and confident in my workout clothes than my jeans. I hate wearing my jeans. They make me feel gross and sloppy. So, I think I wear them like once a week. Thank goodness for being an Exercise Science major where I can get away with that... and no one thinks about it. It's amazing a couple years ago, it was the opposite. I was more comfortable in jeans than workout pants.
Anyhow, my "friend" was like you need mom jeans. Huh? She explained to me that it will cover the extra skin.
Um... I don't have saggy skin.
She than explained her sister lost like 90# (same amount of me right now) and has saggy skin.
Let's right here... this is the VERY reason, even as much as I hate strength training, I try to do some strength training, even if is light.
I explained I do not have saggy skin... and she promptly looked me up and down [discretely]. Go ahead and look. Just try finding it! I may be squishy in certain areas like my darn stomach and hips but I do NOT have saggy skin from losing weight fast.
Oh, wait... I did it slowly. As long as you lose weight slowly and strength training, the "experts" tell me that saggy skin will not be an issue.
Oh by the way, I am debating... tattoo or no tattoo. I want a phenoix for all the weight I have lost but I can figure out where I want it... I want to be able to see it everyday, as a reminder, of my determination and strength. I have been thinking on the back of my calf. But, how will it change if my calves get more defined... you know from all the I will be doing for the rest of my life!
Friday, March 11, 2011
Recently, I have come to a new realization. The no longer holds the happiness it once did.
Yes, I still get if the scale doesn't move... but.. also, I don't get as about losing a pound. In fact, I get the total opposite. I get when I break into a new ville like 160-ville. Also, I tend to hit the panic button. I find I am happier when I forget the exists.
The scale not exist?!!! WHAT?!
For the last two years, I have been weighing regularly... but now I have noticed I get when I reached a new mile or time when .
Maybe it is because challenges me.
Losing weight no longer does. It used to be a game to me.. In fact, it kinda bores me. I know if I do x, y, z, I WILL lose weight.
For Spring Break, I will be going home for a few days. After that, I won't be home until the weekend of April 29th. I am thinking of taking a break from it. And, just focusing on ... and maybe even learning to me!!!
Anyhow, this is what is kinda on my mind today. Off to class to learn about the Digestive System. [Sense the sarcasm!]
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
For the last few weeks, I have been on an intramural soccer team. I am the weakest link. I really am. Every night, I have an internal battle with myself. There is ALOT of internal negative talk. Basically summed up, it says: "You aren't good enough, you never will be."
Since being in counseling for the last couple years, I have learned I want to perfect. While it is a curse, it also helped drive my weight loss. In the beginning, I had to be in my calorie range and my fitness range. In fact, when I did not do something perfect, like stay in my calorie range, I would get extremely upset.
After losing 90#, I find I still want perfection. When will I be enough for ME? Not for anyone else, but for ME. It really makes me wonder if I will ever be happy with me. In fact, if anything goes wrong in my day, even if it's not my fault, I have serious negative talk issues. Today a friend told me how great I looked... while I smiled and said "Thank You" gracefully.. it felt like swallowing my pride, and I was thinking, "It's not good enough." When will it be good enough? Will I ever reach MY own expectations?!
I guess this question concerns me because pretty soon, hopefully in 10#, I need to be able to say I am okay with me... even with the imperfections. That will be a huge deal for me.
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