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Feels good to laugh again!

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

In the last few weeks, I feel like I have been in a stress tornado that I cannot get away from. It started with the semester beginning again. Than, I am sure my boyfriend and I breaking up before the second week of school didn't help among other stuff.

Anyhow, today I took a day for ME. My body was demanding it. I woke up pale, exhausted and later in the day, my temperature was 100.4. If I have not learned anything else in the last few years with my depression, if you body suggests you to slow down, YOU DO IT! If you choose not to listen, there will be bigger repercussions.

So, I didn't go to class or work. In fact, I showered, took my online test (got an A), watched a movie, caught up with a friend texting, took a nap, and went to my counseling appointment. Okay, that sounds like alot but it really wasn't. After my appointment, I checked my temp and it was back to normal. I have an intense quiz tomorrow so I was like.. well, I gotta study. But, didn't feel like it. But my friend is also in the class. So, I thought it'd be fun to study together.

Boy, I sure do not regret that decision. We watched Biggest Loser while studying for the Motor Learning quiz. I laughed alot. Later as I was going to bed, happy for the first time in a couple weeks, I realized I haven't laughed like I have tonight for a coupe weeks. What a shame!

Than, I got to thinking that I need to more choosy in my friends and only hang out with people that I feel are sincerely good people and reflect who and what I stand for. Honestly, there are a few people in my life right now that is not like that.

Anyhow, all I was wanted to share how was good it feels to laugh again! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HALFFAST 2/11/2011 9:30AM

    Yay! I'm so happy you're feeling better!

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1CRAZYDOG 2/10/2011 9:30PM

    Good for you!!! I am very glad to hear you say how good it feels to laugh! You did the right things. And congrats on that "A". Fantastic.

Yeah, sometimes it's difficult but we really do have to listen to our heads and hearts aobut those in our life . . . if they're "toxic" to us, time to give it a 2nd thought.

Have a great day!!

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HANNAHV 2/10/2011 8:53AM

    emoticonglad you got your groove back! emoticon

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MIMAWELIZABETH 2/9/2011 11:25PM

    There is no doubt, from my experience:

Laughter = The Best emoticon !!!

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CIVIAV 2/9/2011 7:37AM

    emoticon

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LOUANN22 2/9/2011 7:07AM

    I know how you feel. I wish I could just laugh more than I do now. We just gotta remember sometimes its best to take time for ourselves and catch up relax and slow down. I feel 120% after I have a great day of just being me and relaxing with no obligations :)

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STITCHINGNAN 2/9/2011 4:29AM

    We all need good friends, also need ME time and must accept that. You are doing great. Ree

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GETFIT2LIVE 2/9/2011 1:58AM

    You are SO wise in listening to your body! I'm glad you listened to your heart, too, about studying with a friend; it sounds like that was exactly what you needed. We need to laugh, and often; good luck on the quiz tomorrow!

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LCORTEZ7 2/9/2011 12:41AM

    I am so glad you posted this. I have been feeling really under the weather lately and I can't quit put my finger on it. I haven't exercised for a week and didn't go to work yesterday. I just didn't feel like myself but today by this afternoon I starting feeling like myself. Tomorrow it's back to grind but I'm glad I listened to my body. Cheers emoticon to those kind of friends count yourself blessed for having one they are hard to find. emoticon

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Need: Sounding Board

Sunday, February 06, 2011

Lately I have been feeling super lonely since the break up. Basically, I went from having a text to saying "Hi." to nothing.. crickets. Honestly, my friends don't text me or anything.. unless they want something. It was like.. Oh that's right.. my friends ever remember I exist. I have to iniate everything. *sigh*

Well, after being in my room all day and being super lonely to almost the point of crying, I decided to be a more proactive. I still had wine from Friday's supper but no wine glasses. So, I decided to get some wine glasses and some movies. Off to Walmart I go! While there, I ran into a friend who we seem to run into all the time. Somehow, he always sees me in a bad mood. Poor guy! Anyhow, we chatted for a while and he cheered me up some and in the end, I didn't feel as lonely. Afterwards, I went home, watched movies and drank wine. It helped me relax enough to give me a break from being lonely... and it was almost nice.

Than, this morning I was talking to my friend. I wanted to talk. You know those moments where you need to talk. Well, the short story is that it didn't happen. She talked about the guy issue that we have talked about for the last two weeks like everyday. I got super lonely again. I really needed some support and nada. *sigh*

Off to lunch with Nick. Yup, the ex boyfriend/friend. He asked how I was and I was honest. I said I was crabby, lonely and kinda down. Because I am. Why hide it. We really had an indepth conversation. We touched on trusting people with our emotions and how I test my friends.

One way I test my friends is by letting my body language speak. For example, I will say I am fine when I am not. This is a test. In my mind, if they truly care, they will say something. Fair? Probably not. Nick was telling me that when I would test him, it would make him mad. He said if I do it in the future he will walk out of my room. So.. basically... if I am really upset and I say I am fine. He is going to walk out on me. I am not sure if I can NOT test him, or any of my friends. Will I am able to be friends with him? If I test him and he walks out.. I think it will hurt the friendship alot.

Why do I test my friends? I test them to see if they are worthy friends. Fair? Again, probably not. But, that's what I do. Also, I realized I test them because it is easier to do than to say: Friend, I need you to listen to me. Ironically, either way, it can leave me disappointed. Disappointed that they won't reach my expectations. Maybe I just don't want anyone to reach my expectations so I set them TOO high.

Anyhow, after this intense lunch, I went home and promptly cried my eyes out. I cried for being lonely. For not having a supportive girlfriend. For not knowing if I will be able to be friends with Nick for he is asking me to not test him but trust him with my emotions.

Now I am emotionally drained, I do not feel like doing much of anything.. well, besides writing this blog. I should work out but not feeling like it. I should do homework, but bhah. All I want to do is sleep it off and hide from the world. Does anyone recognize this? I think I do. I think I might be going into a depressive episode but not sure yet. *sigh*

I do know one thing. I need to figure something out. I feel like I haven't been working out as I should be. I work out when I go to my group fitness/aerobics class. Lately, that is all I have had time to do. Yes, I asked my boss to give me less hours but I don't know how soon she will do that. I might have to try to get up at 6 am and work out everyday. Kinda give me my mornings.

Oh by the way, I deactivated my Facebook. I feel like anyone that needs/wants to talk to me has my phone number or any other way to get ahold of me. I find Facebook brings me down when I see everyone is doing something.. and like I am doing.. like nothing.

Okay, anyways, I just needed a sounding board, if nothing else. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

1CRAZYDOG 2/8/2011 9:09AM

    Sweetie . . . gotta agree with Monica_W. You need to ask for what you need/want. I have this issue with DH all the time . . . he expects me to know something by osmosis and life just doesn't work that way! So, just ask. It works!

And I think you've identified the fact that you may be heading into a depressive episode. Do what you need to so you nip it in the bud! You love yourself, and that's part of it! Not easy, not fair, but it's life.

This time of the year is very difficult as it's cold, wintry gray and just all round not cheery! I understand how difficult that is!

Hugs, sweetie. You can get over this hump.

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PATRICIAANN46 2/7/2011 9:07PM

  MONICA_W has some excellent advice. When we play games, we aren't guaranteed the results we want. You have to be totally honest with your friends so that they KNOW what you need. Then, if they don't come through, you can move on to someone who will.
Also, if you are depressed, you need to find out what is causing it. If you are exhausted from a schedule that is too tight, you need to drop something and get more rest. If that isn't the case, maybe you need something in your life that makes you feel better about yourself. When I was in college, I volunteered for a few hours/week at the local hospital in the pediatric oncology unit. If that experience doesn't make you realize how much you have to be thankful for, I don't know what would.
Only YOU know what it is that you need. Have you had a good physical recently? Are you eating a balanced diet? Many things can affect how we feel both mentally and physically and it is worth it to find out what may need adjustment.
Take care my DD. YOU are worth it!!! emoticon

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CIVIAV 2/6/2011 11:54PM

    emoticonx1,000,000

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EJOY-EVELYN 2/6/2011 11:44PM

    Hope you're able to get out of your funk soon. If a love lost is recent, there is an appropriate time to mourn. When you have available time between your studies, research, eating, and fitness, find something fun to go see, listen to, or participate in. The calendar of events on campus must offer a wealth of great opportunities to expand your horizons or simply have fun. If a friend cannot join you, be your own best friend and enjoy this time yourself . . . your positivity attracts others to you wonderfully. While you can't divorce your family, your friends are normally based on interests you have in common. If you simply feel used by the ones you have now, then it's time to say "no thank you" to them (kindly) and move on to meet new people. Know where your goals take you and focus on meeting those goals. Your weight loss is such a great accomplishment, so I already know you have a great determination to be the healthiest person you can be. May 2011 exceed your expectation in healthy living.

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MONICA_W 2/6/2011 10:31PM

    Hey - since when do people need to be mind readers to be good friends? If you want to talk, then TELL THEM SO. You can't expect people to bend over backwards to guess that you might need something from them, when you've already told them you don't. If you're not fine, then don't say so!

If people aren't giving you what you need from them (support, a hug, a sounding board, whatever) why not ask them for it straight up? The worst they can do is say no. Right now, you're not communicating clearly. How can you expect anyone else to communicate with you, as you so desperately want, when you aren't being straight with them? Communication takes two... you've got to do your part too! Even you realize that your little "tests" aren't fair. Drop the charade and be honest with your friends, and you may get a better response from them. I know you're in a rough patch right now, but if you need a hug or an ear, get out there and demand it!

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ON2VICTORY 2/6/2011 8:02PM

    boy i can relate. you have no idea how that closely mirrors my own behavior. I have been that way because I have been stabbed in the back so many times I am a little wary. I never had alot of friends growing up so I basically always looked for signs of friendship etc... as for the phone calls.... dont go there. the only time my phone would ring would be if their computer was acting up. that goodness for computers or I would never get invited over for dinner. lol.... I guess thats why I totally get into SP because I have tones of friends here...weird... Im not a bad guy...but I also realize people are busy too. I work some crazy hours etc...

I guess im just sayin I can relate big time...

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HALFFAST 2/6/2011 4:23PM

    emoticon I can totally relate to a lot of what you said. And honestly, I have no "real" friends around here (besides my husband). I have my friends here (online/SP) but it's not the same as having someone to do stuff with. I guess because we move kind of often and I'm not very trusting of people to begin with, it's hard to make friends. Anyways, if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. Email me anytime (wonderwife@earthlink.net).

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Three Lessons (related to Strength Training)

Saturday, February 05, 2011

Lesson: Strength training is essential in losing weight.

In the last few months, I have trying to weight train but the machines bore me. The new machines at work are a little less boring. Even the weight machines are alright. But, still.

Lesson: Be consistent.

I have been all over the place with strength training. For a couple reasons. I have little time nowadays but maybe that is just an excuse. With so little time, how can I be excited to whittle my precious time that is SO boring?

Lesson: Find a way to enjoy it.

I did this with the aerobic exercise. I do it like clockwork. Strength training? Not so much. But, I gotta do it.

Because I know I need to reassess what I am doing here. I am going to simplify it a bit, well, kinda.

I have decided on focusing on these:
-Completing a 60 second plank
-100 push up program
-200 squat program

Hope to do them on running days - Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday!

My hopes for the new plan that:
-it will be enough strength training for weight loss
-it will help me be consistent
-I will enjoy it to keep with it

Some emotions I am experiencing:
-Nervous that I will fail
-Scared that I won't fail
-Excited to be trying something new

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CIVIAV 2/6/2011 11:50PM

    Arrrggghhh! Ok so you do 100 push ups every day?!

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CIVIAV 2/6/2011 8:52AM

    Woman, You express what is happening for me too. I love the minimalist but critical approach to the solution and will do the same!

Rock On!

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ANEPANALIPTI 2/6/2011 2:06AM

    OMG I swear I didn't see your blog before I wrote mine, but we are in the same place!!!!!!! I am starting the 100 Push up program right now we can do it together!!! When are u doing ur initial test??

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Watch out world... here I come!

Friday, February 04, 2011

Life is good.

Really.

Tonight I went out to supper with an acquaintance/friend. We ate healthy. Well, at first. emoticon Than, we had wine and split a piece of cheesecake.

It was wonderful to eat healthy with someone that wasn't like well it's just one night, you can have it, but understood I already had a series of those nights and they are in the past. In addition to that, it was nice to catch up about school, guys, and even talking about future goals.

At one point she told me that I am so refreshing to be around because I have such a positive outlook. I have been told this several times in the past couple weeks.

Once upon a time, I was told I was always negative. I guess over the past few years, I have been trying to project positive energy when I write blogs that I became a positive person. I love it that I am the person people come to for a positive outlook!

But, life really is good.

I feel classes are going well. Yeah, I have TONS of homework but I cannot really do it with a wine buzz.. emoticon I really enjoy my classes. The material and professors are great! In fact, one day this week I was really down and didn't want to be around people. I went to Kinesiology and the professor totally cheered me up with her energy!

I was down because of the breakup. I feel like that is going well, too. I feel like my anger a few days ago were part of my grieving process and like.. I am okay. Like I know we didn't break up of ME or HIM. Maybe that is the beauty of going into a relationship being confidence and knowing who you are. By doing so, you know what will work and you know sometimes two people just do not work together. It wasn't anything personal on either of our fronts. We both are not what each other looking for. I truly believe we can be friends. Our relationship has some special circumstances that made me believe that. You will have to take my word for it as they should not be posted impersonally. There's new guys in my life. They are all great guys... but right now.. I am content with me.. school... work.. life.

As for work, it is alright. I still feel like I am being watched. Oh well. I am trying to just to work, do my best, chat with members, and go home. Unfortunately, now I am getting pressure to park in the ramp by my co-workers so we can walk together. The thing is I don't feel safe parking in a ramp. What if I had no one to walk with one evening? I'd rather park on the street right next to the building.

You know talking to my friend.. I realized I have a solid career plan. What is better yet, I am super excited about getting the ball rolling. It's such a great feeling. Here is the quick run down.

Become a Zumba Instructor - maybe over Spring Break or summer break
Become a Certified Personal Trainer (PT) - this is a required course for my major and people keep asking if I am a Personal Trainer at work
Get certified in Russian Kettlebells
Teach Zumba or Kettlebells - Maybe on campus or at the YMCA
Start working as a PT on campus - you know, start building clientele
Graduate with degree
Start working as a PT at the YMCA - if possible
Start teaching Zumba or Kettlebell classes
Go back to college for Chemistry and Physics
Get my Master's in Physical Therapist with a focus on Sport Medicine - I want to specialize in running

All this would be in the next five years. I feel like things would just fall into place.

Watch out world - here I come!

Oh my goodness... two things I forgot! So many updates, so little time!

1) There is an ACSM Conference over my birthday. Not sure if I am going to go yet. But it would be nice to get away, if nothing else, for my birthday. We will see!

2) I brought myself flowers today. Yellow roses. For friendship. So many people say: Be your own best friend. So, I did! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIV2SSKI 2/5/2011 11:35PM

    emoticon emoticon

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ANEPANALIPTI 2/5/2011 11:11PM

    This blog is MAGIC!!!!!!!!!!! I love your goals, and what you said about "going into a relationship with confidence" is pure wisdom and so so so so SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO spot-on!!!!!!



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CIVIAV 2/5/2011 7:17AM

    How glorious and positive it is to read this. You go woman!

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SNOWFILLY 2/5/2011 7:03AM

    You are AWESOME!!!! emoticon

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LCORTEZ7 2/5/2011 12:58AM

    Sounds like you have a great plan. Things are looking up for you and sounds like everything is falling into place in your favor. Sorry to hear about the boyfriend but know that there's a perfect person out there for you. emoticon emoticon

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JUSTBIRDY 2/5/2011 12:13AM

    emoticon emoticon

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Breakup Crabbiness

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Okay, I was trying to hold off with writing a blog about the break up. But, the thing is... it is the only way I deal with my emotions.

In fact, I went home tonight, and was there for like 10 minutes. I was so emotionally stressed that I ate brownie with frosting. And, it felt soothing. No guilt. And, I am making myself a steak today.

So, what put me over the top?

Well, remember I had alot of stress from last week. And, I had school pressure. I was dealing. I was fine. Okay, a little less than fine.

I have been down in spirits like I didn't want to "hang out" with my friends. Fine, whatever. I chalked it up as part of the greiving process.. you know when a relationship ends.

Than, I checked my ex's profile. He has comments that sound alot like him pursuing someone else. If you want more details, I can tell you what they are.. but they are not exactly SP rated.

And, here I was feeling guilty about being happy to see another guy and being happy because my ex and I were not together. Hell, I sure am not pursuing anyone. We just broke up! On Saturday!

I feel like I am a bomb waiting to go off. Like I am going to lash out.. but at the wrong person.

I am hurt, frustrated, mad, ready to cry... pick any of the emotions.

But seriously! Couldn't he wait even a week?!! And, on Facebook?!!

Thanks for being so sensitive! Seriously!

We were going to be friends but honestly, I don't think I can nor I want to. Also, I noticed towards the end we had nothing to talk about but what we did during the day. That's it. Even if we were friends, what would we talk about?!!!

Deep breath in.

I have homework I need to do but when I am this stressed out, I cannot think much less focus on ANYTHING else but the stress. So, I am going to go and get reacquainted with the arc trainer tonight and read my Women's Health magazine. This may mean I am up later since my heart rate will stay alleviated but I don't care. I guess if I am up later, it means I can do the studying I cannot focus on right now.

So, tonight's plan:
Steak
Arc Trainer
Maybe some strength training

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EMMANYC 2/6/2011 5:01PM

    Sorry to hear your ex is broadcasting his lack of classiness.

I once went out with a guy who dumped me, the night before the hardest exam I'd ever written in my life, for a woman he met in the laundry room of his building. I felt like Carrie on Sex in the City, who was dumped by "post-it note".

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CIVIAV 2/4/2011 1:51PM

    And keep breathing through it all. emoticon

This weekend will be a bit more healing (from whatever, I don't necc mean a break up). I would like to go to another fitness class tomorrow. My son has two hockey games and a practice and then their is the Superbowl party!

Hope yours is a good one! And no more brownies. I ate 6 of those little two bite ones last night. Ugh, they still aren't sitting well in either my intestines or my mind.

Here's to continued breathing!

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ANEPANALIPTI 2/4/2011 5:35AM

    SWEEEEEEEEETYYYYYYYYYY! Men and women are two totally different emotional creatures psychologically. Women are programmed to be pickier and more invested (we are the ones stuck with the kid if something happens) while they are by nature more daredevil spread my seed....

That said, this is a natural, grieving process. It's a LOSS. You have to just get through it. And you will.

How are you feeling? Is the chest cold over?

BIG HUGS FROM ME, and I'm glad you're already letting go of the staying friends idea. we're here for you

emoticon

Dimitra

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LIQUEURLADY 2/3/2011 9:26PM

    Oh, Sav, I'm so sorry he turned out to be such a jerk! I'm not so good at all this stuff, but I think that it's all nonsense that "we can be friends;" that's just a way of not having to confront the issue and be honest and make a clean break thinking you won't hurt the other's feelings. WTF?

So have a wonderful steak dinner! and hit the machines. I've found that running off the frustration and anger helps alot. emoticon

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MONICA_W 2/2/2011 10:59PM

    Don't sweat it! It's quite possible he's posting that stuff for your benefit, so it appears to you and to all his friends that he's fine, that he's doing better than he really is. The last thing he wants is for people to know his pride was wounded! emoticon Ignore it. And why are you checking his facebook anyway?! Give yourself some distance and some time to heal. Maybe in a few weeks you can think about him again... but don't rush. You broke up for a reason!

And yes, breakups suck. Enjoy your brownie - and have a great workout!

And I agree with whomever said to spend your Valentine's on yourself... I always go out with my girlfriends on Valentine's Day, despite the fact that most of us have boyfriends now. There's just something nice about getting dressed up and going out and appreciating the important things in life: your best friends, who are there for you through thick and thin!

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ELFITZPA 2/2/2011 9:01PM

    Even mutual break-ups suck. People can be so clueless and insensitive and it's totally natural to feel conflicted and upset when you find out the other person may have already had one foot out the door. It makes you wonder why they didn't just end things before. Except it's totally pointless to think like that, you know the break-up was for the best and you need to forget it. Easier said than done, I know. Blech. But we're here for you on Spark and I hope you're back on your "be your own valentine" track soon because I LOVE that idea. I've always been big on splurging for myself on Valentine's Day (and my birthday, for that matter) regardless of whether I was single or not. ALL forms of love - familial, platonic, romantic and even self-love (not in the dirty way, haha) - should be celebrated. Crappy exes, on the other hand, should be left to their own crappy devices.

emoticon

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KNL8923 2/2/2011 8:46PM

    I hear you! This week I got the "you want more than I am willing to give you" followed by the "you deserve someone way better than me" speech. Ya know what, maybe he's right. I know I cannot continue to be "just friends", at least not right now. Need some time to get over it before I can stand to see or hear how well he's doing without me! Grrrr

Hang in there. Take this time to take care of YOU. Be kind to youself. Treat yourself with LOVE. Be happy & healthy. And when he comes crawling back, stomp on him like a bug! ;-)

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LIV2SSKI 2/2/2011 8:45PM

    We are all here to be an ear for you, to help you vent, and help vandalize his things... I mean help you stay on track. emoticon

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TARANITUP 2/2/2011 7:35PM

    This too shall pass... and when you're tempted to eat to make yourself feel better... do something else you like, maybe a warm bubble bath or reading a favorite book... I understand the pain of a breakup though, at times I have felt like I couldn't even catch my breath. But life went on!

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