Wednesday, February 09, 2011
In the last few weeks, I feel like I have been in a stress tornado that I cannot get away from. It started with the semester beginning again. Than, I am sure my boyfriend and I breaking up before the second week of school didn't help among other stuff.
Anyhow, today I took a day for ME. My body was demanding it. I woke up pale, exhausted and later in the day, my temperature was 100.4. If I have not learned anything else in the last few years with my depression, if you body suggests you to slow down, YOU DO IT! If you choose not to listen, there will be bigger repercussions.
So, I didn't go to class or work. In fact, I showered, took my online test (got an A), watched a movie, caught up with a friend texting, took a nap, and went to my counseling appointment. Okay, that sounds like alot but it really wasn't. After my appointment, I checked my temp and it was back to normal. I have an intense quiz tomorrow so I was like.. well, I gotta study. But, didn't feel like it. But my friend is also in the class. So, I thought it'd be fun to study together.
Boy, I sure do not regret that decision. We watched Biggest Loser while studying for the Motor Learning quiz. I laughed alot. Later as I was going to bed, happy for the first time in a couple weeks, I realized I haven't laughed like I have tonight for a coupe weeks. What a shame!
Than, I got to thinking that I need to more choosy in my friends and only hang out with people that I feel are sincerely good people and reflect who and what I stand for. Honestly, there are a few people in my life right now that is not like that.
Anyhow, all I was wanted to share how was good it feels to laugh again!
Sunday, February 06, 2011
Lately I have been feeling super lonely since the break up. Basically, I went from having a text to saying "Hi." to nothing.. crickets. Honestly, my friends don't text me or anything.. unless they want something. It was like.. Oh that's right.. my friends ever remember I exist. I have to iniate everything. *sigh*
Well, after being in my room all day and being super lonely to almost the point of crying, I decided to be a more proactive. I still had wine from Friday's supper but no wine glasses. So, I decided to get some wine glasses and some movies. Off to Walmart I go! While there, I ran into a friend who we seem to run into all the time. Somehow, he always sees me in a bad mood. Poor guy! Anyhow, we chatted for a while and he cheered me up some and in the end, I didn't feel as lonely. Afterwards, I went home, watched movies and drank wine. It helped me relax enough to give me a break from being lonely... and it was almost nice.
Than, this morning I was talking to my friend. I wanted to talk. You know those moments where you need to talk. Well, the short story is that it didn't happen. She talked about the guy issue that we have talked about for the last two weeks like everyday. I got super lonely again. I really needed some support and nada. *sigh*
Off to lunch with Nick. Yup, the ex boyfriend/friend. He asked how I was and I was honest. I said I was crabby, lonely and kinda down. Because I am. Why hide it. We really had an indepth conversation. We touched on trusting people with our emotions and how I test my friends.
One way I test my friends is by letting my body language speak. For example, I will say I am fine when I am not. This is a test. In my mind, if they truly care, they will say something. Fair? Probably not. Nick was telling me that when I would test him, it would make him mad. He said if I do it in the future he will walk out of my room. So.. basically... if I am really upset and I say I am fine. He is going to walk out on me. I am not sure if I can NOT test him, or any of my friends. Will I am able to be friends with him? If I test him and he walks out.. I think it will hurt the friendship alot.
Why do I test my friends? I test them to see if they are worthy friends. Fair? Again, probably not. But, that's what I do. Also, I realized I test them because it is easier to do than to say: Friend, I need you to listen to me. Ironically, either way, it can leave me disappointed. Disappointed that they won't reach my expectations. Maybe I just don't want anyone to reach my expectations so I set them TOO high.
Anyhow, after this intense lunch, I went home and promptly cried my eyes out. I cried for being lonely. For not having a supportive girlfriend. For not knowing if I will be able to be friends with Nick for he is asking me to not test him but trust him with my emotions.
Now I am emotionally drained, I do not feel like doing much of anything.. well, besides writing this blog. I should work out but not feeling like it. I should do homework, but bhah. All I want to do is sleep it off and hide from the world. Does anyone recognize this? I think I do. I think I might be going into a depressive episode but not sure yet. *sigh*
I do know one thing. I need to figure something out. I feel like I haven't been working out as I should be. I work out when I go to my group fitness/aerobics class. Lately, that is all I have had time to do. Yes, I asked my boss to give me less hours but I don't know how soon she will do that. I might have to try to get up at 6 am and work out everyday. Kinda give me my mornings.
Oh by the way, I deactivated my Facebook. I feel like anyone that needs/wants to talk to me has my phone number or any other way to get ahold of me. I find Facebook brings me down when I see everyone is doing something.. and like I am doing.. like nothing.
Okay, anyways, I just needed a sounding board, if nothing else.
Saturday, February 05, 2011
Lesson: Strength training is essential in losing weight.
In the last few months, I have trying to weight train but the machines bore me. The new machines at work are a little less boring. Even the weight machines are alright. But, still.
Lesson: Be consistent.
I have been all over the place with strength training. For a couple reasons. I have little time nowadays but maybe that is just an excuse. With so little time, how can I be excited to whittle my precious time that is SO boring?
Lesson: Find a way to enjoy it.
I did this with the aerobic exercise. I do it like clockwork. Strength training? Not so much. But, I gotta do it.
Because I know I need to reassess what I am doing here. I am going to simplify it a bit, well, kinda.
I have decided on focusing on these:
-Completing a 60 second plank
-100 push up program
-200 squat program
Hope to do them on running days - Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday!
My hopes for the new plan that:
-it will be enough strength training for weight loss
-it will help me be consistent
-I will enjoy it to keep with it
Some emotions I am experiencing:
-Nervous that I will fail
-Scared that I won't fail
-Excited to be trying something new
Friday, February 04, 2011
Life is good.
Tonight I went out to supper with an acquaintance/friend. We ate healthy. Well, at first. Than, we had wine and split a piece of cheesecake.
It was wonderful to eat healthy with someone that wasn't like well it's just one night, you can have it, but understood I already had a series of those nights and they are in the past. In addition to that, it was nice to catch up about school, guys, and even talking about future goals.
At one point she told me that I am so refreshing to be around because I have such a positive outlook. I have been told this several times in the past couple weeks.
Once upon a time, I was told I was always negative. I guess over the past few years, I have been trying to project positive energy when I write blogs that I became a positive person. I love it that I am the person people come to for a positive outlook!
But, life really is good.
I feel classes are going well. Yeah, I have TONS of homework but I cannot really do it with a wine buzz.. I really enjoy my classes. The material and professors are great! In fact, one day this week I was really down and didn't want to be around people. I went to Kinesiology and the professor totally cheered me up with her energy!
I was down because of the breakup. I feel like that is going well, too. I feel like my anger a few days ago were part of my grieving process and like.. I am okay. Like I know we didn't break up of ME or HIM. Maybe that is the beauty of going into a relationship being confidence and knowing who you are. By doing so, you know what will work and you know sometimes two people just do not work together. It wasn't anything personal on either of our fronts. We both are not what each other looking for. I truly believe we can be friends. Our relationship has some special circumstances that made me believe that. You will have to take my word for it as they should not be posted impersonally. There's new guys in my life. They are all great guys... but right now.. I am content with me.. school... work.. life.
As for work, it is alright. I still feel like I am being watched. Oh well. I am trying to just to work, do my best, chat with members, and go home. Unfortunately, now I am getting pressure to park in the ramp by my co-workers so we can walk together. The thing is I don't feel safe parking in a ramp. What if I had no one to walk with one evening? I'd rather park on the street right next to the building.
You know talking to my friend.. I realized I have a solid career plan. What is better yet, I am super excited about getting the ball rolling. It's such a great feeling. Here is the quick run down.
Become a Zumba Instructor - maybe over Spring Break or summer break
Become a Certified Personal Trainer (PT) - this is a required course for my major and people keep asking if I am a Personal Trainer at work
Get certified in Russian Kettlebells
Teach Zumba or Kettlebells - Maybe on campus or at the YMCA
Start working as a PT on campus - you know, start building clientele
Graduate with degree
Start working as a PT at the YMCA - if possible
Start teaching Zumba or Kettlebell classes
Go back to college for Chemistry and Physics
Get my Master's in Physical Therapist with a focus on Sport Medicine - I want to specialize in running
All this would be in the next five years. I feel like things would just fall into place.
Watch out world - here I come!
Oh my goodness... two things I forgot! So many updates, so little time!
1) There is an ACSM Conference over my birthday. Not sure if I am going to go yet. But it would be nice to get away, if nothing else, for my birthday. We will see!
2) I brought myself flowers today. Yellow roses. For friendship. So many people say: Be your own best friend. So, I did!
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Okay, I was trying to hold off with writing a blog about the break up. But, the thing is... it is the only way I deal with my emotions.
In fact, I went home tonight, and was there for like 10 minutes. I was so emotionally stressed that I ate brownie with frosting. And, it felt soothing. No guilt. And, I am making myself a steak today.
So, what put me over the top?
Well, remember I had alot of stress from last week. And, I had school pressure. I was dealing. I was fine. Okay, a little less than fine.
I have been down in spirits like I didn't want to "hang out" with my friends. Fine, whatever. I chalked it up as part of the greiving process.. you know when a relationship ends.
Than, I checked my ex's profile. He has comments that sound alot like him pursuing someone else. If you want more details, I can tell you what they are.. but they are not exactly SP rated.
And, here I was feeling guilty about being happy to see another guy and being happy because my ex and I were not together. Hell, I sure am not pursuing anyone. We just broke up! On Saturday!
I feel like I am a bomb waiting to go off. Like I am going to lash out.. but at the wrong person.
I am hurt, frustrated, mad, ready to cry... pick any of the emotions.
But seriously! Couldn't he wait even a week?!! And, on Facebook?!!
Thanks for being so sensitive! Seriously!
We were going to be friends but honestly, I don't think I can nor I want to. Also, I noticed towards the end we had nothing to talk about but what we did during the day. That's it. Even if we were friends, what would we talk about?!!!
Deep breath in.
I have homework I need to do but when I am this stressed out, I cannot think much less focus on ANYTHING else but the stress. So, I am going to go and get reacquainted with the arc trainer tonight and read my Women's Health magazine. This may mean I am up later since my heart rate will stay alleviated but I don't care. I guess if I am up later, it means I can do the studying I cannot focus on right now.
So, tonight's plan:
Maybe some strength training
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