Saturday, December 18, 2010
When I gain weight, even the smallest amounts, I get upset. I don't always talk about it.. but it's there. I'm annoyed. Irritable. Crabby. Grumpy. Most the time I deal with it by trying to do better with calories and exercise that day. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
In fact, my boyfriend has picked up on it. He told me that today... which took me by surprise. We have only been dating for a couple weeks... and he noticed! My weight loss is a huge deal to me so it was a huge deal for me that he knew that I was crabby because of that even though I never once mentioned it!
In the last couple weeks, since we started dated, I have gained nearly THREE pounds. Yup, I am .4 from 180 after all that hard work! I am not too happy about it either. I would love to blame it on my new b/f but the thing is, I know it isn't his fault. He doesn't care what I eat... what guy does, really?
I think its more that my focused motivation and determination have been slacking.. or missing. Honestly, I do not think it has anything to do with the holidays. Nope, I cannot blame it on the holidays either. I feel like it has been slowly building up over time. A few months ago, I stopped counted calories. Than, slowly I could have dessert with every meal. I didn't restrict myself anymore. Now, I am not super strict with my exercise. I exercise whatever I do. Basically, I have relaxed about it all.
I feel like I am partly on and off the wagon. People say they fall off. I don't feel like I fell off completely. I still enjoy my fruits and veggies. I still gotta have my exercise. BUT... I also love my sweets.
When I eat poorly, I understand completely how someone could gain all their weight back. They (whoever they are) say if you keep off the weight for a year than you will.. but like 70% (or some crazy high percentage like that) will gain back their loss weight in the first year. I want to lose it once and for all!
Anyhow, am I stopping because if I continue I would be in uncharted waters and it terrifies me? We all have expectations of reaching our goal weight. Am I afraid they won't come true once my goal weight is reached? Is it time to switch my focus from losing weight to maybe a more concrete goal like running a Half Marathon?
I really am not sure. But I do know one thing. I will not be able to lose much more weight until I figure these questions out. Maybe I should write why exactly I am doing this. ANEPANALIPTI's vlog really gave me something to think about it when she talked about it. I am sure some goals have changed.. from when I was at 260 and now at 180ish.
Anyhow, I think I need to re-focus and be very strict. In other words, go back to the basics. Counting calories and strict exercise!
(And, no more cookies!!! I think I have had enough for quite awhile!)
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
My new relationship with my boyfriend is really messing with my weight loss!
Last week, I didn't work out all week. Mid-week I noticed this was happening and tried to go for a run. My heart just wasn't into it. Here's the thing. I was just too happy. I know it sounds really funny but that is the truth of it. I exercise to manage my stress or my depression gets out of hand. Well, I was super relaxed and happy so I didn't need/want to exercise. Ironically, I did lose like two pounds last week.
Than, this week came along... and.. its like my friends went all crazy. I know we are all adjusting to the new relationship.. but seriously! I kinda want to scream. If it's not someone is jealous than it is someone is distancing themselves. What IS their problem?!! Just because I am dating someone, it does NOT mean I am going to quit my own life. I know I kinda did last week but that was unintentionally. Both my BF and I agreed we need to still live our own lives. Besides, if we quit our own lives, what would we have?
*big sigh* I guess I thought friends were happy for their friends. I am really happy and really deserve this. Nick makes me SO very happy and truly does treat me quite well. I couldn't ask for anything more. Why can't they be happy for me? Honestly, since I am dealing with personal friend stress, it is like taking the funness (Is that a word?!) from having a new relationship. Especially when I have people telling me it won't last forever. Don't you think I know that?! I don't need someone to tell me my own fear!
Anywho, as one could imagine.. I kinda threw caution to the wind.. and had a cookie binge today. When I came home from my sisters, I had like 3 dozen cookies. I think I am going to give as Nick wants and give the rest away and/or throw the rest. I don't want them in my room. They are just causing unhappiness.
Thursday, December 09, 2010
Every family has holiday traditions.
One of my family traditions is to decorate cookies. It started when I was little and my sisters has continued it with their families. I live three hours away so I come down and join them. In the last few years, everyone would bring cookies.. but, well, me. Let me explain. Everyone that comes has a family and a steady job. Well, I do not. I attend college and have very little money. This has been the understanding for the last few years.
This year my sister told me I have to bring cookies. And, made it seem like it is rude. Yes, it might be. But, also, there will be SIX different types of cookies! How many cookies do we need?!! We do not need that many cookies!
I am just SOOO frustrated with it all. I barely can afford to spend $50 in gas money... add the cost of cookies... and than Christmas is coming up.. so that means more gas money and Christmas presents.
Thanks for listening. I am better.. still frustrated. I will probably go to my sisters, with no cookies. I might ask for no cookies. Or, just a few for my boyfriend.
That brings me to some updates. I haven't written for a while and some things have changed.
One of the new developments is I am now dating someone who is amazing. He treats me like a queen. It's great. As some of you guys know, I workout to elevate my stress so I don't get depression episodes. Well, I haven't worked out week because I have been so relaxed and happy. Yesterday I tried to work out and my heart just wasn't in it. I will have to try to figure how to get back into the groove of things again. (I might touch on this in more detail in another blog down the road.)
Besides that, I have been getting trained in at the YMCA. I really enjoy it. When I have been shadowing with the equipment orientation, it has been alot of fun. It is exciting! The energy there is so . I think I will really like it. *crosses her fingers* As for my other job, the one I was going to resign from, they are going to keep me on and work with my YMCA schedule.
Right now, I feel like I am so lucky... things are going well.. so far! Hope everyone else is doing well!
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
It's December already?!! Well, you know what that means... monthly goals!
Before we do that, let's review how I did with last month's goals...
-To not weigh in
-To measure weekly (every Monday)
-To strength train regularly
-To exercise for the love of it
-To keep my depression in check
-To stay in my range on most days
I did alright on my goals. I feel I reached the last four while the first two I could have done better. Overall, that's not too bad! At first I was doing alright with weighing in monthly, than I threw caution (or rather the goal) to the wind.
Now for this month... let's keep it simple.
-Do kettlebells 2x a week
-Get under 180 and STAY there! 170-ville here I come!!!
-Stay consistent with running
In other news, I started my job yesterday and I think I will LOVE it. This will be a good step, I think, for me. I am going to hand in my resignation this week or early next week! As for training, the day went by pretty fast yesterday as we went rushing around all over the place. I didn't work out but I think the rushing around should count for something!
At the end of the day, I noticed that even through I was on my feet from 10-3, my knees and feet didn't hurt at all like they would when I worked the front desk, years ago. Maybe because they have 80# of weight not on them anymore! Talk about an added bonus of the weight loss!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Tonight I hung out with a newer friend and he was in my room for the first time. In my room, I have my race bibs hung up on one wall and my motivational board and calendar with my current and goals weights on the other. Tonight he looked at my weight and started telling me I could lose 2# a week and such. I explained I have lost 80# and asked if he wanted to see my before pictures. He declined. Okay, whatever.
It didn't bother me until I was laying in bed.. thinking.
Than, it hit. Suddenly, I wanted to bawl.
It felt like he was saying, I need to lose more weight. Like I am not good enough. All the things I felt in High School, when I got teased the most, came flooding back. Suddenly, I felt SO exposed.
I know some people do not understand this, cannot understand this, but if I did not lose much more, I could be content with me. I think that is the most important lesson on this journey. To be happy with us, no matter what weight.
Here is something else to chew on for the people that have always been fit. For some of us, like me, we do not realize how unhappy we are until we change for the better, inside and out. Please remember this when commenting on our "before". Don't make us sound like the scum of the earth. Because you know what? We aren't. Most of us, do not believe we were THAT bad so THINK before you speak.
With that said, I never found myself utterly disgusting... I just wanted to feel better about me. It was like I knew I was an okay person but knew I could do better. Since than, I veer from the fashion magazines and just try to be the best ME I can be. I know I will never be a fashion model and I am a-okay with that. They have eating disorders and other problems. I don't want that. No, thank you!
I came to talk about my exposed, raw emotions.. and I have. Maybe now I can get some sleep! I have a LONG day ahead of me tomorrow. Class at 9, Work from 10-3ish, Class at 4, and Bentleyville (A Christmas Village of Lights) in the evening with someone that likes me for me and doesn't make me feel like I gotta change but if I do, that's a-okay too.
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