Thursday, October 21, 2010
The last few months I have been bouncing around the point where I have lost 75#. Not losing much more. I don't think it was plateau because my weight was changing. Personally, I think it is a mental block. I am not sure if I am quite over it. I have been trying to wrap my mind around weighing 180 or 170 or even 160. Isn't the theory.. if you can picture it, you can achieve it? Well, I am having trouble picturing it. I have never been at this weight in my adult life.
This week I feel like I could have been working harder. For example, eating dessert at EVERY meal could be one way. In fact, last night I was thinking of having two goals for next week. They'd be not weigh in everyday.. even skipping one day is a win.. and to skip dessert at every meal. Also, I feel like I haven't been working out as much in the last month. I have been lifting weights more.. so that is a victory in it's self!
Anywho, I decided I wanted to weigh myself this morning. While showering I had a chat with myself. It was going to be okay if I was the same weight as yesterday or even a couple days ago. But I wasn't.
I weighed 184.2. Than weighed myself again. 183.8. Woah! The scale is broken! I weighed again and again and again. Still 183.8. Wow! I guess pure determination does work when your heart isn't in it!
Well, I definitely have to go work out today (and lift). I want to stay in the 183s! Wow, that takes some getting used to just seeing!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Sometimes a girl just has to vent.
Last week, a butt head stole my wallet. Okay, it happened but I am dealing with it. I cannot stress enough how very sick of people asking me in the last couple days if I have canceled my cards. Seriously!? It happened last Wednesday. Do you really think I am that stupid to wait a week later to call my cards? OF COURSE I DID! [Calming breath.]
In the last week, I have been dealing with my stress fairly well. I went home and didn't take it out on the family even when my sister was being.. a.. well you know.
Than, last night at work when I had to do something else that should have been done last week (when I was gone).. I still did not snap. At this point, I was starting to getting stressed out.
Than, today I was annoyed with people but I was doing better. I had an endorphin high. Than, I went to supper with my old friend. [Another calming breath.] I explained I was VERY stressed. He had the balls to ask why. WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY? My wallet got stolen last week! Someone could be opening accounts in my name and I cannot do a single thing. Mind you, I did not yell. Or snap. Rather I calmly explained I was stressed about wallet.
Than, still NOT getting it. He asked is it mid-terms. NO, it is NOT mid terms. If I failed ALL my midterms, things could be worse. In the big theme of things, they do not matter. After it was clear I was not being talkative, he precedes to vent about his professors and how they are all out to get him. Give me a break!!! Maybe, just MAYBE, you shouldn't schedule your doctor appointments during tests that cannot be rescheduled! Use some common sense!!! [Grr!]
I think during supper is where I reached my breaking point. During this incident, it was crystal clear I was lucky. Yes, they took my wallet. But, it could have been worse. I could have encountered them and got hurt. It is just stuff. If I failed my mid-terms, it wouldn't matter. Yes, it would suck, but in the big scheme of things.. WHO CARES! It doesn't matter!
This week my sister's best friend's brother committed suicide. This just nailed it down even more that these little things do not matter. We still are here. We still have our health.
Tomorrow is being called Life Pride Day. I will be wearing purple. It is wrong these boys felt so alone that they could not reach out. The ONLY positive thing is that it got the attention of the media, celebrities and senators. I hope things will soon change.
Just remember today, things can be worse... things can be replaced, or tests can be retaken, and tomorrow is a NEW day.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
This weekend I went home.. and promptly gained FIVE pounds. In the past, I would have been quite upset but today I am okay with it.
How did it happen? Well, on Wednesday my wallet got stolen (as most of you know) and so I had to be thrown in action ASAP. It was fine. I had pretty much everyone called that night. The next day people kept telling me that I need to call the cards and telling me what I need to do. Even when I would tell them I had it under control, they would give me the look that says they didn't think so. Thank you. Really. I don't have enough on my plate. [Mind you, I am not talking about any of my Spark Friends. Everyone has been very supportive! Also, this does not include all my friends at school.. just a handful!]
At this point, I was sick of everyone telling me what to do. So, I went home. My parents knew I was doing all I could. On Friday, I spent at least FOUR hours driving to get stuff done like getting a new Driver's License, requesting a new SS card, and getting a new window put in my card.
Whenever I go home, I always struggle with not gaining pounds back. It seems like all we do is eat.. and eat.. and eat. I never get physically hungry. At supper, I once had my niece ask me why I wasn't eating anymore (while everyone else was). I explained to her because I wasn't hungry anymore. And, on top of those obstacles, I am the only one that exercises regularly. Couple all that with this wallet incident.
I was doing okay on Thursday and Friday.. than Saturday came along. Every time I turned around my sister was eating. When someone is eating, I want to eat. Uh-oh. Well, something snapped in me. I was so tired of fighting myself so I just let myself go. And, did I eat! In fact, after seeing me eat modestly when I am at the house, than seeing me eat a BIG bowl of , my mom commented on it. I told her that I wasn't weighing myself anymore. It is the truth. I wasn't going to.
Than, I felt fat! The very reason I started this journey. To not be a body of jello fat! This morning I weighed myself on my scale. 190 point something. I kinda quite reading after 190 part. I knew it was inaccurate. How? Well, one, it wasn't my scale, and two, I ate pickles yesterday. Hello, sodium!
When I back home, I weighed myself on my own scale.. 189.6. Better.. but still way TOO close to the 190s. I worked so hard to break into the 180s. Tomorrow, I am hoping to be around 188. I know I gained weight. It is okay. I have been under some stress and I do not think anyone blames me. I just have to get back on the horse.. and I will (with some vengeance)!
In summary, I am okay with it. I was under some stress without taking it out on my family. Yes, I ate TONS but I will get it under control again. I WILL get to my goal weight.. sooner or later.. gosh darn it! My new goal for Halloween is to get under 185 and STAY there! For the last few months, I feel like I have been bouncing all over the place! Tomorrow, I hope the accurate weigh-in will be around 188. *crosses fingers*
Now, if I could just find myself a running buddy, I would be golden!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Remember the trail I absolutely LOVED towards the end of the summer? The same one that I lost on a few weeks back? Well, I am breaking up with it.
This afternoon I went for a run on this very trail. I completed 3 miles in 37 minutes. Right?
When I left I had an uneasy feeling.. but shook it off. It is silly to feel uneasy.. or was it? When I got back, 38 minutes later, my car was broken into and my purse that I left in the front seat was gone. They didn't take my CDs or anything else.
At first I was very shaken up. There was a lady that just pulled up to walk the trail with her son and I asked her what to do. I called the police. While waiting, I took photos. (I'd show you but I can't get them off my phone onto the computer.) You can tell they took a baseball bat to it. The entire window was shattered.
Tonight, I think I have things under control. I called my bank and a couple other cards. I did have my social security card in my wallet. That alone will be a headache so I will have to call them tomorrow. There are a few other things that are going to be a pain.. but things happen.
It's strange. I have been rather calm though out the entire thing. I guess I know it could have been worse. I could have encountered the person/people and could have gotten hurt. I can replace things like my cards. Yes, it is a headache.. but I am not hurt.
I guess my parents raised me right. When you are placed in a hard situation, you truly find out your values. Some people would be extremely stressed. Don't get me wrong, I am stressed but I know it will be okay, too. These things can be replaced. They are just things. I am truly blessed.
PS.: If you haven't figured it out, I am not going to my conference tomorrow. I need to take care of this business. There will be another one at the end of the month. I am going to go home and take care of a few things, RELAX, and run/walk in a SAFE area.
Also, my run was excellent and I no longer feel depressed.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The last couple weeks have been fairly good. Life was good.. than.. BAM!
I wanted to cry.. for no apparent reason. Seriously, depression, you want to come out and play now? I was so frustrated. I thought I was over this.. guess not. Maybe I will cry.. just for sake that it is never going to go away. I hate if I do have two hours of exercise like everyday.. I am so irritable than I get depressed. Mind you, I am not sad. No that is not how it works. Nope. I am emotionless and empty. It is much worse than being sad. Being sad I can work with.
But today was a new day. Right? Not really. I have been pretty annoyed and crabby. I kinda want to hide away from the world, eat what I want, not care about exercise, forget everyone, just work on homework.. and be by myself. *sigh*
Well, I don't think I get that choice. Nope, I gotta be responsible and go to class. The positive? I am going to self defense.. and hopefully *crosses fingers* I can get my frustration and annoyance out. Man, I hope I don't get my partner that sucks the life out of that class. You know the one that thinks smiling takes work. Hello, girl, it is supposed to be fun.. than smile.. please? Or not.
At least by exercising I will be back to my normal self sooner or later. Also, I went to salon and that was nice. I did get a 88% on my A&P Lab Test.. yup, ladies and gentlemen, that is a high B. Woo-hoo!
Off to self defense I go.. maybe I will hurt someone. (Kidding!)
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