Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Has anyone noticed that I have been resembling a snarling grizzly bear lately?
I just wasn't sure exactly why. Sure, I didn't like that my friendship was fading away. Sure, I have three intense tests this week. Sure, I have a busy schedule. I have experienced all of things before. They have never made me crabby, mopey, and tearful. I was thinking maybe my depression was back.. crying for no reason was a sign of that.
Last night people would ask me what was wrong but I couldn't tell them. I think mainly because I didn't know and I didn't want to think about it.
I kinda figured it out when I was venting to a friend online.. and almost instantly I was in a better mood.
Basically, in the last few days, I have gone through the following:
I got lost.
Got in a bad mood because of friend lack of response.
Zumba sucked. I am not burning calories like I should be!
Felt uncoordinated in Zumba.
Felt uncoordinated in Self Defense.
Partnered with a girl that was not enthusiantic about class.
Same girl kinda made me feel like it was MY fault that we weren't doing the moves right. (It's a team effort!!!)
A friend leaning onto for support and kinda giving me her stress.
Oversleeping in the morning so no workouts like I want.
A hang over from drinking. (I didn't want to feel emotions.)
So, tomorrow is Thursday and am totally ready to have a GREAT day. Here is the plan!
Get up and eat breakfast for Test 1 at 9 am. Study for Test 2. Take Test 2 at 11 am. Work out all any emotion I have until I am exhausted. I am aiming for 60 minutes on the elliptical, and RUNNING! I figure by than.. endorphins should be racing. Than, homework.. until I work at 3. After work, hopefully, go rock climbing. I seriously need this so I can be this again.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Sometimes you don't want to care. Sometimes you don't want to feel. Sometimes you don't want to deal with problems. But you have to. I guess this is called being an adult.
I don't want to care that I have no meaningful relationships in my life. I don't want to care that everytime that I try to make a meaningful, lasting relationship, it falls apart or fades away a few months later.
I don't want to feel the hurt of being alone and having people that do not care. Oh, people say they care.. when I scream give me attention. But, on an everyday series, they don't. Or at least they don't show it. What is the point of caring if you don't show it?
I don't want to have problems. I don't want to have depression where if I don't constantly have solid friendships, my stress levels go up which increases my depression sessions. I don't want to have apraxia which gives me all kind of issues.. still. Like the last few days, I have felt so uncoordinated. In self defense, I felt my partner, someone else I usually don't have, blamed me for us messing up.
So, many things have sucked in the last few days.. so today.. I don't care about calories. I don't care about exercise. I don't want to care about it anymore. So, for one day I won't. I will just care about me and what I want.
Monday, September 27, 2010
This morning I got up excited to go on the nature trail. At one point of the trail, you can turn around which makes it 3 miles or you could take a left and it supposedly looped around. I was excited to see how it looped back.
This morning, I took a walk and got lost. Obviously, I found my way out if I am writing this. Here are some of my highlights in no specific order.
- Saw bear tracks
- Hiked on the Shooting Archery Range
- Talked to a city worker for direction in the middle of the woods
- Saw a police officer past me
- Decided I really should have mace or pepper spray when I walk/run
- Smelled burning tires (Eww!)
- Found out where the trails loops around
- Found a 5 mile nature trail for when I start training for 10Ks
- Listened to the trees whispering and the bullfrogs croaking
- Missed classes (I really was going to go.)
- Ran Day 1 of Week 6 of the C25K but quit in the middle of a steep hill.
- Did not once experience another walker or runner until the end
- Found my car again
- Did this all in two hours
After all this, I was still in a good mood until I asked my friend, you know the same one that is distancing himself from me, to lunch. While talking on the phone, I causally mentioned I got lost. And, nothing. No reaction! Wth! I was lost for TWO hours and he cannot even comment on it. Now, I don't know if I even want to have lunch with him.
Anyhow, this was how MY day started... hope your week started off awesome today. Zumba tonight!
Monday, September 27, 2010
For the last month or so, I haven't been staying up this late.. but I can't sleep. I have alot on my mind. To potentially help me sleep, I thought I'd like blog.. so.. here goes nothing.
Basically, my problem can be condensed down in one thought: I have lost nearly 75 lbs but I still feel insecure and fat.
When I look in the mirror, I see me. I feel like I haven't changed. My shape is the same. I am just smaller.
What has changed are guys paying attention to me. I mean attractive, cute guys that I couldn't even fathom before. Now I think I find them checking me out. And, honestly, it scares me. I don't know how to be confident and flirt. I freeze up.
For most of my life, I have been the ugly one. Not to me.. but to them. I was the girl with speech issues or a little on the chubby side in school. It was not cool to like me. Now I am a nice size 12 and I have all kinds of guys on my hands.
I am sure they are all very nice guys.. but they are not for me. How do I know? I honestly don't think they can understand my insecurities. Can they understand why I don't feel confident? Can they be patient with me when I mess it up when they try to kiss me? You know the awkward silence at the end of the date? I tend to mess that up.. every time!
More importantly, can I trust them? Most of the time in High School, I was ridiculed by the most popular boy. Now, I don't trust popular athletes. More and more, I am finding some are nice but dating wise I want nothing to do with that heart break.
If that wasn't enough, my ex-boyfriend, who I was close friends with, is like putting a move on me. Or it sure feels like it. To me, putting your hand on MY knee is more than friends. Either way, I feel its one big game.. something I don't know if I want anything to do with.
There is a guy that has taught me to laugh again. Seriously, I didn't realize I was so serious and didn't have laughter in my life until about a month ago. According to SHERYLDS, laughter burns calories so just for that reason I will keep him in my life.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
It is that time again. The end of the month where some post their goals for the next month. Sometimes I do this. Sometimes I don't. I thought I would try it for October. I know I have done it in the past and not followed through. This month I am going to try really hard to stick with the goal. Yup, I have ONE new goal.. ST 3x a week consistently for the month of October.
When I first started losing weight, I would lift 3x a week. But, I hated it! Seriously, I find it SO boring. With that said, in the first couple months of my journey, I experienced more weight loss in a single month and feeling, overall, stronger.
I will gain weight.. muscle weight, not fat weight! The problem is that I weigh myself twice a week. I know if I see a gain on the it will upset me.. even though I know it's a muscle gain. I know I will. I like the idea of weighing in just twice a month... but also, I know I will let myself weigh in more than that.
I think I am going to try to run and do ST on MWF. Weigh in on Sundays. In fact, I am going to try to start this week - the last week of September. The sooner I do it, the sooner it will become a habit and the sooner I will become !
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