Monday, September 27, 2010
For the last month or so, I haven't been staying up this late.. but I can't sleep. I have alot on my mind. To potentially help me sleep, I thought I'd like blog.. so.. here goes nothing.
Basically, my problem can be condensed down in one thought: I have lost nearly 75 lbs but I still feel insecure and fat.
When I look in the mirror, I see me. I feel like I haven't changed. My shape is the same. I am just smaller.
What has changed are guys paying attention to me. I mean attractive, cute guys that I couldn't even fathom before. Now I think I find them checking me out. And, honestly, it scares me. I don't know how to be confident and flirt. I freeze up.
For most of my life, I have been the ugly one. Not to me.. but to them. I was the girl with speech issues or a little on the chubby side in school. It was not cool to like me. Now I am a nice size 12 and I have all kinds of guys on my hands.
I am sure they are all very nice guys.. but they are not for me. How do I know? I honestly don't think they can understand my insecurities. Can they understand why I don't feel confident? Can they be patient with me when I mess it up when they try to kiss me? You know the awkward silence at the end of the date? I tend to mess that up.. every time!
More importantly, can I trust them? Most of the time in High School, I was ridiculed by the most popular boy. Now, I don't trust popular athletes. More and more, I am finding some are nice but dating wise I want nothing to do with that heart break.
If that wasn't enough, my ex-boyfriend, who I was close friends with, is like putting a move on me. Or it sure feels like it. To me, putting your hand on MY knee is more than friends. Either way, I feel its one big game.. something I don't know if I want anything to do with.
There is a guy that has taught me to laugh again. Seriously, I didn't realize I was so serious and didn't have laughter in my life until about a month ago. According to SHERYLDS, laughter burns calories so just for that reason I will keep him in my life.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
It is that time again. The end of the month where some post their goals for the next month. Sometimes I do this. Sometimes I don't. I thought I would try it for October. I know I have done it in the past and not followed through. This month I am going to try really hard to stick with the goal. Yup, I have ONE new goal.. ST 3x a week consistently for the month of October.
When I first started losing weight, I would lift 3x a week. But, I hated it! Seriously, I find it SO boring. With that said, in the first couple months of my journey, I experienced more weight loss in a single month and feeling, overall, stronger.
I will gain weight.. muscle weight, not fat weight! The problem is that I weigh myself twice a week. I know if I see a gain on the it will upset me.. even though I know it's a muscle gain. I know I will. I like the idea of weighing in just twice a month... but also, I know I will let myself weigh in more than that.
I think I am going to try to run and do ST on MWF. Weigh in on Sundays. In fact, I am going to try to start this week - the last week of September. The sooner I do it, the sooner it will become a habit and the sooner I will become !
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Today, I completed a 5K.
Before I started the race, I had two goals.
1. Run it fully without walking
2. Complete it under 42 minutes
Well, I walked about 3-4 times. I figured I walked half a mile and ran the rest. I really wanted this to be the first 5K I run as it was the first 5K I walked. I am okay with having walked some of it. There is another 5K to try to run completely. Besides, I haven't finished the C25K program yet!
Maybe, I am not that upset about walking because I did my best 5K time yet! 37:38! My running buddy, Jared, and I figure without the walking, I would have finished around 30 minutes and I know that would be NO small feat! If you do the calculations, that is like 10 minutes/mile.
Here is a photo of my running buddy, Jared, and I after the race.
Anyhow, I did good today. What a great start to a Saturday! Hope everyone has an amazing weekend!
Friday, September 24, 2010
to everyone that gave me advice and support in my last blog. I really appreciate it! I think I have a made a decision. As much as I would like to do the marathon with my aunt, I think it would best if I waited.
1. I am not ready. Clear and simple. I do not want to rush it, hurt myself.. and maybe lose my love for running.
2. I have heard if you rush it.. yes, you can do it.. but it is a deal where it is an one time deal. For me, I want to become a marathoner.. and do many marathons and other such races.
3. When my aunt does the marathon, I hope to cheer her on. I have never attended a marathon so by cheering her on, I could get a good feel of what it is like.
4. When I am ready to do my marathon (hopefully the summer after this one), I would be ready for the marathon and have someone to show me the ropes. This race that my aunt is doing will be a great starter marathon for me. It is close to family and not super expensive.
5. I think as soon as I am done with the C25K, I am going to take the next step and train for a 10K. I figure by doing this and eventually running a 10K, I can have a new goal and help her with her training by running a 10K together before her race.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Everyday I check my emails before I head off to campus. This morning I had an interesting message from my aunt. The same aunt I THOUGHT was telling my sister that I couldn't run a HM or Marathon. I was wrong. The email basically congratulated me on my weight loss (she heard how good I look from another aunt that saw me recently). She told me when she is planning to start her training for the marathon and invited me to join them.
I really want to say YES... but I am hesitate. I haven't even completed the C25K. This weekend is supposed to be my first 5K that I run completely. Could I be ready by June to run 26 miles when right now I can't even run a FULL THREE miles? Maybe a HM would be more my speed? Am I ready to make more of a commitment to running?
I don't want to try to do things too fast and burn myself out of running. Also, I think it would be a great experience for me, personally and professionally. My career goals is to graduate by June 2012 with a degree in Exercise Science. Once I graduate, I want to become a running coach. The best way to be a coach, in my opinion, is to experience it at some level. By training for a HM or Marathon, I would participate in even more 5Ks than I already do... and meet more people in that field area.
On a personal level, I know I want to eventually run a HM or Marathon or both. I really want to, one day, the marathon that is HUGE where I live. It is so huge that people that run it are selected through lottery. To run it, would be a great accomplishment. If I did the marathon with my aunt, I would have the support there with me. I wouldn't be all alone and would have a better feel of how an event like that works so when I am ready to do one in my area.
Oh! Also, a guy I know kinda put a dig in about being able to out me and I haven't quite gotten over it yet. Part of wants to prove to him that I can outrun HIM. The other part of me knows that is not going to drive me when I do the training.
Anyhow, lots to think about. I think I am going to think about it for a few days.. or at least today.. before I reply. And, of course this is all brought up when I decided not to work out in the morning due to my start of a cold.
What are your thoughts on this?
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